TTFN (24 page)

SnowAngel:

hey, zo. have u ever had wasabi cheese spread? it is sooooo good.

zoegirl:

isn't wasabi that super-spicy green stuff u get with sushi?

SnowAngel:

yeah, but this is a cheese spread with wasabi in it. it makes my mouth sting, but it's thoroughly addictive. *swipes last little bit up with cracker and smacks lips*

zoegirl:

mmm, you're making me hungry

zoegirl:

want to hear something sad? i saw mr. h hitting on cameron bryant—well, sitting really close to her in backwork—and maddie told me that cameron is his “special” student this year.

SnowAngel:

that's not sad. that's gross. he needs to go to a sex offenders' home.

zoegirl:

i know

zoegirl:

but the reason it's sad is because when maddie told me that, it made *me* feel sad.

SnowAngel:

WHY?

zoegirl:

i don't know

zoegirl:

because i wanted to be the only one?

SnowAngel:

zoe, no. u r soooooo much better off w/o him.

SnowAngel:

i take it u and maddie r talking again, tho?

zoegirl:

sort of, i guess

zoegirl:

huh. wonder how that happened?

mad maddie:

can't talk long—meeting chive for a night of wanton indulgence—but DUDE, am i brilliant. i have given zoe the best frickin dare ever.

SnowAngel:

dare? what do u mean, dare?

mad maddie:

it's just this thing we're doing. u gave me the idea, actually.

SnowAngel:

i did?

mad maddie:

i gave her the first one last week, and i just gave her the second. it's frickin genius.

SnowAngel:

what is it?

mad maddie:

can't tell. top secret. but it's going down tomorrow, on sunday, the day of our lord.

SnowAngel:

it's “going down”? what r u, a jewel thief?

mad maddie:

please. we're not stealing anything—in fact, the opposite.

mad maddie:

heh heh heh, it's so perfect to do it while he's at church.

SnowAngel:

do WHAT?

mad maddie:

g2g. byeas!

SnowAngel:

zoe, what r u and maddie up to? what's this “dare” business she's talking about?

SnowAngel:

zoe!

SnowAngel:

txt me!!!

zoegirl:

oh man, angela. are you up?

SnowAngel:

yes, but only cuz U NEVER TXTED ME LAST NIGHT and i'm dying to know what's going on!

zoegirl:

omg, i haven't laughed like that in *forever*. at first i was like, “no, maddie, we can't!” but we did, and it was totally … purging.

SnowAngel:

will u please explain????

zoegirl:

we plastered bumper stickers all over mr. h's car while he was at church! we were very sneaky. we were like spies. and we stuck them on with super-glue so they'll be really really hard to get off!

SnowAngel:

no way! what did they say?

zoegirl:

one said “sticks and stones will break my bones, but whips and chains excite me,” and another said “i'd rather be spanked.”

zoegirl:

also included were “ass pirate,” “i heart llamas,” and, my personal fave, “jesus loves you, but i'm his favorite.”

SnowAngel:

holy cats. he's gonna die.

zoegirl:

he already did. maddie and i hid at the other end of the parking lot until church let out, and we watched him walk to his car. he was with some friends—including a woman!—and when he saw the bumper stickers, he about had a heart attack. the woman got a pissy look on her face, but his other friends cracked up. it was *supremely* satisfying.

SnowAngel:

i'll bet

zoegirl:

it was also supremely satisfying to see him try to peel them off. hahaha.

SnowAngel:

right, hahaha. when did u guys decide to do this?

zoegirl:

we didn't really *decide* anything. maddie dared me to do it, and so i did.

SnowAngel:

how come u didn't tell me?

zoegirl:

oh. well … i guess it didn't occur to us.

SnowAngel:

it didn't OCCUR to u?

zoegirl:

it wasn't that big a deal.

zoegirl:

wait a second, are you upset?

SnowAngel:

no, of course not. why would i be upset?

zoegirl:

if anything, i thought you'd be glad that maddie and i are doing stuff again.

SnowAngel:

i am, i am

zoegirl:

you want us to be happy, don't you?

SnowAngel:

i suppose

SnowAngel:

but maybe i don't want u to be DELIRIOUSLY happy, that's all.

zoegirl:

oh, angela

SnowAngel:

it IS pretty funny, tho. what u did.

zoegirl:

it would have been even better if you'd been with us—and i'm not just saying that!

mad maddie:

hellooooo, zoe. prepare to face your darkest fears, for i am about to issue the best and most thrilling dare yet. r u ready?

zoegirl:

what? no!

mad maddie:

well, get ready, cuz this is not a dare to be denied. it is the Dare of the Century.

zoegirl:

i hate to break it to you, but i think we should be done with dares.

mad maddie:

done with dares? surely u josh!

zoegirl:

i think we're making angela feel bad.

mad maddie:

ohhhhh, the old “we're making angela feel bad” ploy. sorry, charlie, but i'm not letting u off the hook that easily.

mad maddie:

r u ready to hear the dare?

zoegirl:

no

mad maddie:

good, cuz first i need to give u some background information. imagine if u will a brightly lit classroom. it is 6th-period english, and all the students are filing in. but—what's this? instead of taking a seat, theresa ketchum scowls and drags her desk to the other side of the room. “theresa,” mr. phelps says with a look of confusion, “why r u moving your desk?”

zoegirl:

maddie, i'm serious—no more dares.

zoegirl:

plus, i just realized something: why are *you* the only one giving dares? why don't i get to give *you* a dare?

mad maddie:

and theresa says, “i'm moving my desk cuz i don't wanna stare at wendy's butt. her crack's peeking out of her jeans.”

mad maddie:

btw, didn't i point out long ago that low-riders r not for those who r substantially endowed in the buttock area? why yes, i believe i did.

zoegirl:

i don't know where you're going with this, but i am not taking any more dares. and i am most definitely not taking any dares that have to do with butt cracks.

mad maddie:

plz. but watching this little slice of life got me thinking: what stresses zoe out more than anything? and my brain answered, “BODIES. bodies stress zoe out more than anything.”

zoegirl:

what? that is so not true!

mad maddie:

so what does zoe need to do? zoe needs to loosen up. yes, that's right, she needs to overcome her fears of being a woman, with all that being a woman involves. she needs—drumroll, please—to embrace her sexuality!

zoegirl:

no no no no no

mad maddie:

the other dares have been warm-ups. rehearsals,
if u will. for it is this ultimate dare that will bring u to the peak of self-awareness.

zoegirl:

good grief, maddie. could u be a little less full of yourself?

mad maddie:

here is your dare: you are to glue two marshmallows to yr shirt—the OUTSIDE of your shirt—at approximate nipple location. then you are to stroll from one end of the mall to the other.

zoegirl:

*maddie*!

zoegirl:

you have lost it. i'm leaving now.

mad maddie:

“the great marshmallow-nipple dare,” i call it.

mad maddie:

is it illegal? nooooo. is it dangerous? nooooo. will ppl stare at u? hmm, they very well might. i would, if i saw some chick prancing along with marshmallows glued to her nipples.

zoegirl:

no way i'm doing that, so just forget it.

mad maddie:

then ur a wimp, and u finally have to admit it.

zoegirl:

wait.

zoegirl:

i told chase dickinson to shut the hell up. i pasted lewd bumper stickers on mr. h's car. u can *not* tell me i'm a wimp!

mad maddie:

but this one's the real dare, the dare that's about U. and if u don't take it, then u have to admit that ur afraid to live your life fully.

zoegirl:

prancing around with marshmallows on your nipples does *not* constitute living your life fully!

mad maddie:

wimp

zoegirl:

this is so unfair! *no one* would do this dare!

mad maddie:

i would, and u know it.

mad maddie:

it's very simple if u think about it. u just have to get over your inhibitions, which is something u've needed to do for a long time.

zoegirl:

you're doing me a favor, that's what you're saying?

mad maddie:

tell ya what, they can be mini-marshmallows.

zoegirl:

gee, thanks

mad maddie:

so?

zoegirl:

noooooooooooooo!