TTFN (25 page)

mad maddie:

P.S. i googlewhacked “marshmallow nipple.” four fucking million hits!!!

zoegirl:

maddie, you need therapy

mad maddie:

i'm just saying, that's A LOT of marshmallow nipples …

zoegirl:

once and for all, *no*!!!

zoegirl:

angela! where are you???? you told me to include you in things, but how can i if you're never there? i've been calling you for over an hour!

SnowAngel:

hi, zo! i just this second got home from school, which, btw, sucked. can i tell u something depressing?

zoegirl:

uh, sure

SnowAngel:

i was watching this girl during lunch, one of the many girls who have no idea i exist. she was sitting in the courtyard, talking to someone on her cell, and she was so animated. yip yip yip, like a little dog. and then she said good-bye and snapped shut her phone, and all of a sudden there was just … nothing. her face was blank, her body was blank, it was like she'd snapped herself shut along with her phone.

zoegirl:

yikes

SnowAngel:

and i thought, “that's me, that's totally me.”

zoegirl:

i feel that way sometimes. like when i'm around other people, i put on this show of being interested and eager, and then when i'm
alone, i don't always know who i am. and i think how if someone were watching, like my dead grandfather or God or someone, all they'd see is this incredibly boring person.

SnowAngel:

for me it's u guys who make me feel alive, u and maddie. without u, i'm just this floating blob of nothingness.

zoegirl:

angela, ur not a floating blob of nothingness.

SnowAngel:

seriously, i am!

SnowAngel:

someone had on a shirt today that said, “if i seem to be getting smaller, it's because i'm walking away.” that's me, zo. i'm getting smaller and smaller, only i don't WANNA be walking away.

zoegirl:

oh, angela

SnowAngel:

*recedes into smaller and smaller dot* *POOF!* *disappears*

zoegirl:

you are never never never going to disappear

SnowAngel:

what do u think my aunt sadie would do if i just showed up on her doorstep? she couldn't turn me away, could she?

zoegirl:

um …

SnowAngel:

aaargh, i don't mean to be so boring *gives self firm shake*

SnowAngel:

so why all the calls? u said u needed to talk.

zoegirl:

oh, right

zoegirl:

er, it was stupid, actually. i'll bug you about it another time.

SnowAngel:

u sure? cuz if ur sure, i think i'm gonna go take a nap.

zoegirl:

try to feel better, ok?

SnowAngel:

ttfn!

mad maddie:

u gonna do it?

zoegirl:

leave me alone, i'm supposed to be doing research.

mad maddie:

maybe we should ask peaches what she thinks. why look, there she is at her desk. should i call her over?

zoegirl:

leave peaches out of it!

mad maddie:

at least i didn't say you had to do the great marshmallow-nipple dare at school, zoe.

mad maddie:

think about it!!!

mad maddie:

u gonna do it?

zoegirl:

*no*!

mad maddie:

u gonna do it?

zoegirl:

go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mad maddie:

ur not gonna do it, r u? i mean, not that i care. i'm just saying.

zoegirl:

oh, right, you don't care. that's why you've been buzzing in my ear like a fly for the last 5,000 years. if i had a swatter, i'd swat you flat.

mad maddie:

i only care cuz i care about U. i don't want u going thru life like a scared little mealworm, that's all. isn't it better to be a fly than a mealworm?

zoegirl:

what?

mad maddie:

quiet desperation … quiet desperation … quiet desperation …

zoegirl:

fine. meet me at the mall in half an hour.

mad maddie:

seriously?

zoegirl:

but afterward, you belong to me. i'm going to give
you the worst possible dare, and you'll HAVE to do it!

mad maddie:

wh-hoo! i'll bring the marshmallows!!!

SnowAngel:

uh, maddie?

mad maddie:

hey, angela! man, what a day. wazzup?

SnowAngel:

i just got a really strange email from mary kate. she hasn't been in touch at all since i moved, and suddenly she emailed me this wacko message about zoe. u don't know anything about this, do u?

mad maddie:

u got an email from mk? omg, this is great. what did she say?

SnowAngel:

she said she saw zoe at the mall and that zoe had MARSHMALLOWS GLUED TO HER NIPPLES! *bores eyes into friend in extreme concern*

mad maddie:

it was awesome, angela. u should have been there.

SnowAngel:

it's TRUE? oh my freakin god. zoe won't answer my calls, and all i could think was, “maddie, maddie is behind this.”

SnowAngel:

u made her glue marshmallows to her nipples?!!

mad maddie:

well, to her shirt, not her bare skin. and i didn't MAKE her. it was a dare.

SnowAngel:

another one of your stupid dares? that's sick!

mad maddie:

don't think “sick,” think … whimsical. playful. a breath of fresh air.

SnowAngel:

i can't believe she actually did it. i can't believe it.

mad maddie:

imagine if u will: the mall is packed with irritable shoppers, bored to tears with their predictable lives. but hark! from the distance comes a hazy apparition! it's … it's … it's zoe! she's charging thru the crowd, nipples a-blazin'!

SnowAngel:

omfg

mad maddie:

her face was bright red and she kept her eyes straight ahead, playing the “if i can't see u, then u can't see me” game. she was walking so fast that ppl had to dive out of her way. if it wasn't for the security guard, she'd have been home free.

SnowAngel:

the security guard?!!

mad maddie:

but now zoe can add “run-in with the law” to her resume too. i'm so proud of her.

SnowAngel:

but is she ok?? she must be mortified!

mad maddie:

if only she'd made it to Macy's. there was a group of nuns out front collecting money for the poor.

mad maddie:

damn that pesky security guard!

SnowAngel:

*shakes head in disbelief*

SnowAngel:

u don't understand, maddie. zoe isn't equipped to handle something like this. if i was there, i would have stopped u!

mad maddie:

but u weren't, were u? heh heh heh!

SnowAngel:

u should be ashamed of yourself, madigan kinnick!

SnowAngel:

i keep calling zo, but still no answer. i'm really worried.

mad maddie:

oh pshaw

SnowAngel:

so does she get to dare U to do something, now that u've publicly humiliated her?

mad maddie:

yeah, i have to do whatever she tells me to do. i'm sure she's gonna make me quit smoking pot, but i don't care. i was gonna quit anywayz.

SnowAngel:

really?

SnowAngel:

i mean, good! serves u right!

SnowAngel:

zoe, why haven't you answered your phone? r u too embarrassed to talk to anyone? even ME?

zoegirl:

huh?

zoegirl:

i guess my ringer's on mute. oops.

SnowAngel:

well, i just want to say how SORRY i am that maddie did that to u. i don't know what she was thinking. and i'm so sorry u felt like u couldn't tell me that day when u txted and said u wanted to talk, only i was so depressed that all we did was talk about ME. i'm so sorry i let u down!

zoegirl:

angela, hold on. you didn't let me down, okay?

SnowAngel:

ur nice to say that, but i know i did.

SnowAngel:

i called u a zillion times yesterday and never got u. what were u doing—hiding out under your covers?

zoegirl:

well, actually …

zoegirl:

i *was* under the covers, but they weren't mine, and i wasn't exactly hiding …

SnowAngel:

i don't get it. what do u mean they weren't

SnowAngel:

OMG, what r u saying???

zoegirl:

oh man, angela. it was nuts. the security guard at the mall lectured me for half an hour about “proper behavior for young ladies”—while maddie stood there smirking!—and after that, i was so embarrassed that i fled to my car and zoomed off. i just wanted out of there. but then about halfway home, i was filled with this incredible rush.

SnowAngel:

cuz it was over, u mean?

zoegirl:

no, cuz i *did* it!!! i actually did maddie's ridiculous dare. and having that knowledge inside me was like, WOW.

zoegirl:

it made me feel so liberated!

SnowAngel:

yes, but the covers …

SnowAngel:

just how liberated were u?

zoegirl:

liberated enough to drive straight to doug's house instead of going home. his mom wasn't there,
and we had the whole house to ourselves. and it was really, really great.

SnowAngel:

*gulps* r u saying what i think ur saying?

zoegirl:

no, angela, we didn't have sex. geez.

zoegirl:

but we went further than we've ever gone before, and the best part is, i just let myself enjoy it. i was, like, on this adrenaline high, and i felt like i could do anything. so i just let go of all my zoe stupidness and went for it.

SnowAngel:

oh

SnowAngel:

here i was imagining u in the depths of depression. i felt so bad that i wasn't there for u, while all the time …

SnowAngel:

u really DIDN'T need me, huh?

zoegirl:

oh, angela. i *always* need you. don't u know that?

SnowAngel:

i can't believe things worked out so well for u. i mean … whoa.

zoegirl:

it *was* whoa. i never knew my body could feel like that. i know that sounds ridiculous.

SnowAngel:

it doesn't sounds ridiculous. it sounds … u know. like a good thing.

zoegirl:

i've always felt so bad at that stuff. like how i told you i could never get out of my brain?

SnowAngel:

i remember. u wanted to be less inhibited.

zoegirl:

yeah, like maddie. i've never admitted this to anyone, but i've always been kind of jealous of her, of how easy it is for her to give herself over to the moment. secretly, i've always wished i was like that.

zoegirl:

not in a fool-around-with-every-guy-that-shows-up kind of way, but i didn't want to be frigid, either. isn't that an awful word? i hate that word.

SnowAngel:

what, frigid? it doesn't sound like u need to worry about it anymore.

zoegirl:

that's what makes me so happy! because i *did* let go of my inhibitions and i *did* lose myself in the moment! and not to get too graphic, but i was like, “ohhhh, so *this* is what all the fuss is about!”

zoegirl:

i think doug enjoyed it too

SnowAngel:

nooooo, u think?

zoegirl:

all day long i've felt so strong inside, even when mary kate announced to our whole math class about the marshmallow-nipple thing. i just laughed like, “yeah? so?” and everyone looked at me like they couldn't believe it. like, “this is not the zoe we know.”

SnowAngel:

so yr saying yr GLAD maddie made that dare

zoegirl:

no, i'm just saying … i'm not sure. that maybe it's not so bad to say “screw it” to the rules sometimes.

SnowAngel:

oh *blinks in amazement*

zoegirl:

wanna hear something awful, though? in my mad panic from the mall, i completely forgot about the marshmallows. so when i showed up at doug's, they were still there!

SnowAngel:

oh no! what did he do?

zoegirl:

let's just say that once i explained the whole crazy story, he took care of the problem. as in, the marshmallows are no more.

SnowAngel:

uh huh. what a gentleman.

zoegirl:

yeah, i love him

SnowAngel:

for real? u “love” him love him?

zoegirl:

omg, i didn't mean to say that. it just slipped out.

zoegirl:

but … crap, angela. i think i do.

SnowAngel:

*whistles* this is big

zoegirl:

it *feels* big

zoegirl:

hey, thanks for listening. i'm sure it's boring to hear me go on and on.

SnowAngel:

um, no. boring is sitting alone in my room while everyone in my life moves on without me.

SnowAngel:

i'm happy for u, zoe, i truly am, but i swear i'm turning invisible.

zoegirl:

invisible? what do u mean?

SnowAngel:

last night at dinner i didn't say a single word. i didn't have anything to say, so i just sat there and ate my peas. no one even noticed.

zoegirl:

i'm sure they noticed. that's so unlike you not to be chattering away.

SnowAngel:

nope, cuz later i brought it up to my mom, and she was like, “oh, angie, u did so talk. of course u did.”

zoegirl:

hmm. not the most reassuring response.

SnowAngel:

everybody else's lives r so exciting that they forget i even exist.

zoegirl:

angela, i am so sorry, but i've got to go. the doorbell just rang downstairs, and it's doug.

SnowAngel:

oh

zoegirl:

i'll call soon, promise!!!