The Nothingness of Ben (17 page)

“Something to keep in mind.”

B
EN
left the kitchen. He looked for Travis in the living room, but he wasn’t there. When he got back to the bedroom he found it empty too. Maybe Travis had crossed the street to his room in Mrs. Wright’s house. Or maybe Travis was only a figment of his imagination, like his father—an imaginary character that Ben created to cope with the death of his parents. Or maybe he was still delirious from the fever.

Ben crawled under the covers and let his heavy eyelids close. He would figure it out tomorrow, he thought, as exhaustion overcame him. He slowly drifted away into the space between consciousness and slumber. And that’s when he saw it, a vision dancing across his mind. He was sitting with Travis, holding his hand. The horizon had vanished. All he could see were clouds and sky, no earth, and no line where the two should meet. The present disappeared and only this future horizon remained. As the last minutes of night slipped away and Ben surrendered himself to sleep, the corners of his mouth curled into a smile and he mumbled a question under his breath.

“Will you put lights on the house this year?”

Chapter 13

“
B
EN
? Wake up.”

Ben opened his eyes and squinted to block the morning light.

“What time is it?” he asked.

“It’s after nine.”

“What day is it?”

Travis laughed.

“Saturday. Your fever broke last night.”

“Where did you go? I got up and couldn’t find you.”

“You must have been dreaming. I didn’t go nowhere.”

Quentin stuck his head in the door.

“You gonna live, big brother?”

Ben rubbed his head.

“I think so. I talked to Dad last night.”

“Oh, really?” replied Quentin, looking at Travis and then rolling his eyes. “Did you have your very own
Lost
flashback?”

“Something like that.”

“I’m fixin’ to head to the shop,” Travis interrupted, “now that you’re out of the woods. I’ll be back when I get off at six.” He leaned down and kissed Ben on the lips.

“Aw, shucks,” Quentin said. “Look at you two.”

Travis glared at him as he headed out the door.

“Take care of your brother while I’m gone.”

“Bye,” Ben said to the back of his head. “What’s wrong with him?” he asked once Travis had left.

“Who do you think’s been taking care of everything all week? He’s Nurse Jackie and Phil Dunphy rolled into one.”

“Is he okay?”

Quentin waved off the question. “He’s fine. Just a little frazzled. He missed a lot of work and his boss wasn’t exactly thrilled. You were pretty out of it for a while there. We even discussed putting you down at one point.”

“Very funny,” Ben said.

“So are you gonna get out of bed or what? I need help with a history project if you can walk.”

“I can walk,” Ben insisted, throwing back the covers. “What’s the project?”

“We’re supposed to trace the civil-rights struggles of African-Americans, Latinos, or gay people in Austin. I was going to do the gay one since… well, since I have two gay brothers. But there’s not much online.”

“I can help you out,” Ben replied, sitting up on the edge of the bed. “I knew someone at UT that did his master’s thesis on the gay rights movement in Austin. There’s a hard copy in the graduate library.” Ben got up and went into the bathroom. “Hey,” he called, “did Travis mention spring break?”

“Yes,” Quentin yelled back. “It’s not going to work, you know? Taking him there.”

“You don’t know that. He’s never even been to New York. Anything is possible.” He grabbed a bottle of mouthwash and took a swig.

“That chick Stephanie called me.”

Ben poked his head out of the bathroom door, talking as he gargled. “The one that Colin showed your napkin to?”

Quentin laughed. “Yeah. She’s serious about the drawings.”

Ben stuck his head back in and spit the mouthwash out.

“She told me she can really sell the teenage-artist angle,” Quentin continued. “The art crowd eats that shit up. And she says the fact that I’m so good-looking doesn’t hurt either.”

“It’s a curse we all share,” Ben said, crossing through the room. Quentin followed him into the kitchen, talking to the back of his head as he went.

“Art is 90 percent marketing these days. Seriously, she asked if I could speak with a Texas accent.”

“So are you going to do it?”

Quentin shrugged as Ben opened the fridge and took out a carton of orange juice.

“I ain’t gonna pretend that I talk like Travis,” Quentin said, imitating his Texas drawl.

Ben pulled a glass from the cupboard and filled it with juice.

“No. I mean, are you going to do the drawings?”

“I don’t know. I guess so. She said if I wanted to get into LaGuardia that a Soho gallery exhibit would seal the deal. I could become an art world celebutard at sixteen.”

Ben took a swig of the juice. He grimaced before turning around and spitting it into the sink. “Gross. Mouthwash and OJ don’t mix. Anyway, thanks, Q. For giving this a chance. The city will make you think big, I promise. You’re really talented.”

“Whatever. Get dressed so we can go to this place you mentioned. What’d you call it again? A library?”

“That’s right, kid. Before Wikipedia there were these things called books.”

B
Y
M
ONDAY
, Ben felt normal again. Travis had been quiet for two days, and they hadn’t had sex in over a week. When the brothers came home from school that afternoon, Ben explained to them that he needed some alone time with Travis.

“I gotcha covered, big brother. Since I have my license now, I can drive us up to the Highland 10 to catch a flick. Jason’s been wanting to see
The King’s Speech
.”

“Yes!” Jason confirmed with glee.

“That should give you until nine or so.”

“Thanks, Q.”

“You’re paying for the movie, though.”

“And the popcorn,” Cade said.

They headed out to the movie around six thirty, and Travis showed up shortly after that. Ben noticed that he didn’t knock anymore. He just walked right in. He must have made that transition while Ben lay dying.

“What’s that smell?” Travis asked, hanging up his coat on one of the pegs near the front door.

“Pot roast,” Ben answered as he sat up on one of the sofas in the living room. “Come here.” Travis walked over to him. “Sit down,” Ben said, letting slide an evil grin. “Put your feet up.”

“Pot roast, eh? You’re cooking?”

“I have a few tricks up my sleeve.”

“Did you put some balsamic vinegar in with the beef broth?”

“Sit.”

“But it really makes a….”

“
Sit
,” Ben insisted.

“Okay, okay.” Travis sat down and plopped his feet onto Ben’s lap. Ben unlaced and removed his work boots and thick white socks. Travis lay back and closed his eyes while Ben began to massage his feet.

“That does feel mighty nice. What’d I do to deserve the royal treatment?”

“You took care of me when I was sick. Thank you for that.”

“I was in a sorry spot last week, Obi-Wan. I was missing a heap of work and wondering if I should take you to the hospital or call a doctor or something.” Travis opened his eyes and sat up on his elbows. “But Quentin said no, it’s the flu, don’t overreact. He was right—the sixteen-year-old was right. But with you in a coma, I was the only adult within spitting distance. Me! I took ’em to school, made sure they ate an’ all. I was the back-up plan and it scared the bejeezus out of me.”

“Wow, someone’s been holding their stuff in.”

“Sorry about that.”

“Don’t even. This is the first I’m hearing about it, that’s all. Trust me, I can relate to your panic. I
share
your panic.”

“Yeah, I know.” Travis closed his eyes and lay back again, obviously enjoying the attention Ben lavished on his feet. “I missed you.”

Ben grinned. “I missed you too.”

“I’m glad you’re back in charge. I like being the right-hand man but I don’t like being you. Does that sound strange?”

“Not at all. I don’t like being me either. But oh well—here we are.”

“Yep. Here we are.”

“Whatever it is we’re doing, it involves those three boys. So we suck at it sometimes and it scares the shit out of us. The bottom line is, they don’t feel alone. Score a point for us.”

“So just what is it we’re doing?”

Ben paused.

“You want to DTR?”

“You know I do,” Travis answered, sitting up again.

“Well, then, I’m ready. But I want you to go first. What do you want out of this? I know you’re going to visit New York, and a big part of me is excited about that, but do you really see yourself with a man? I mean, long term?”

Travis took a deep breath. “Where are the brothers?”

“They went to see
The King’s Speech
.”

“Damn, I wanted to see that.”

“Relax, Atwood. We’ll go see the late show if you want. Now talk.”

Ben continued to rub Travis’s feet.

“Okay. Obviously, this whole business has been crazier than tits on a fish. I never expected nothing like this to happen to me. Ever. But like I already said, I ain’t confused no more. I can’t explain it, mind you, why I would one day wake up in bed with another man. But that’s a whole other thing than being confused. I want to be with you, Ben.”

“Exclusively?”

“Yep—110 percent.”

“What if you don’t like New York and we end up moving anyway?”

“I’ll skin that cat when the time comes.”

“But otherwise, you’re ready to be gay?”

“Well, I ain’t thought about marching in no parade or nothing. Do I got to buy a T-shirt to get into the club?”

Ben shook his head and laughed. “No, the T-shirt is free. In theory, everyone gets to define themselves however they want. Or not. But we don’t live in a theoretical world. If we’re holding hands in public and someone calls you a fag, they’re not going to apologize just because you tell them you’re only gay for me. Not to mention that marriage isn’t even an option for us. Once you experience some of that and realize being with me means you’re now a second-class citizen—regardless of what you call yourself—well, you might rethink that whole ‘marching in a parade’ thing.”

“Then call me gay. I’m fine with that. I told the boys at work that I’m dating a dude.”

“You did?”

“Of course. I told you I was gonna. When I missed all that work last week, it was the perfect opportunity.”

“How did they take it?”

“They were kinda quiet for a day or two. I think they thought you were gonna croak or something. But now they’re giving me all kinds of grief, which means they’re just fine with it.”

“So can I come by some day and bring you lunch?”

Travis laughed. “You can come on by anytime you want.”

Ben smiled.

“So it’s your turn,” Travis said.

Ben took a moment. “I feel vulnerable. Which I know makes me sound like a total pussy, but there you have it. I’m crazy about you. I want this to continue and that’s the problem. We’re probably moving in three months and I don’t know if you’re coming with us. I wish I shared your ‘skin the cat’ attitude, but I don’t. How can we define the relationship until you make that decision? You have to see New York. I get that. But if you choose to stay in Austin, I don’t know what other options are available to us. My job is important to me and it’s back there. I haven’t signed my soul away yet, but this deal is in motion, and we both know that the deadline is approaching. Fast.”

Travis grinned. “Sounds like we could both end up getting hurt real bad. Guess that means there’s only one question left to ask.”

“What’s that?”

“Is the possibility of eight seconds of glory worth the risk of getting thrown off the bull?”

Ben thought it over.

“Yes. It’s worth the risk. I love that metaphor, by the way. And if things don’t work out, we’ll pick up the pieces and move on. Travis, I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I’ve never wanted to be with someone so much.” Ben broke out laughing. “I want to fuck you all the time. My stomach hurts when you go to work and I check my messages to see if maybe you said howdy or forgot something. But as much as all that’s true, I have got to get back to New York.”

“I understand.” Travis nodded. “I’m not opposed, really. It’s worth the risk to me too. But frankly, I’m scared to death and more than a little bit cautious.”

“As we both should be. Cautious, I mean, not scared to death. I don’t want you to be scared to death. But how do you feel about waiting to use the B word?”

“What’s that?”

“Boyfriend.”

“I ain’t never used that word.”

“I know. It’s just that Jason asked me the other night if we were boyfriends now. And I didn’t have an answer for him. I still don’t.”

“So you want to wait until I decide? Before I get the title?”

“Something like that.”

Travis sighed and rolled his eyes, clearly unhappy with the proposition. Ben, however, silently stood his ground.

“Fine,” Travis conceded. “But I would like to know that you’re not sleeping with no one else. Can you at least give me that?”