The Nothingness of Ben (13 page)

Muddy waters
, he reminded himself.

In the meantime, Ben occupied himself with figuring out how to run a house—or at least who he had to hire. If he could pay someone to do a task, any task, he would. Laundry, house cleaning, even many of the meals—Ben outsourced them all. His father left behind plenty of life insurance, not to mention Ben’s salary from Wilson & Mead, so the Walsh boys had no problem with money.

His brothers adapted because life really didn’t give them a choice. They didn’t want to move on. In fact, their grief deepened as winter unfolded. With a fire in the fireplace and the cold banished to the outside, they often spent evenings and weekends on the couches watching movies, even though Travis constantly suggested dinner out or a basketball game for Cade.

Travis became an integral part of their lives. He helped out with the meals and getting the boys here and there. Ben needed a caretaker as much as his brothers, and Travis did that too. He would listen to Ben ramble on for hours. He had been in his shoes; he knew what it was like to have no parents left in the world. When Quentin, Jason, and Cade looked at Travis, they saw a constant, a through line, but when Ben looked at Travis, he saw a goddamned hero.

Ben spent the rest of his time planning the Walsh transition to Manhattan. His boss had agreed to the five-month sabbatical, something else Ben chalked up to Colin’s intervention. As for his first brushes with parenting, well, no one would have said it came naturally to Ben.

Cade got into a fight at school because someone called his brother a fag. Ben didn’t ask which brother. Cade had little to say about the incident, except that he would do it again, and at the end of the day, Ben chose not to discipline him. Cade knew what the word “fag” meant and that Ben was one of them. Ben understood the expectations of the moment—he was supposed to tell Cade about other ways to deal with conflict. Peaceful ways. But he didn’t do that and dropped the whole thing instead.

Jason hated his school, but when Ben asked him if he was being bullied, he said no. He withdrew even more than usual, staying in the living room when the rest of them watched a movie but reading a book instead. Somehow Ben managed to avoid the topic of Jason’s make-out session. The time never seemed right and the topic made Ben uncomfortable for some reason. Colin steadfastly refused to disclose anything he and Jason discussed, standing in stern defense of Jason’s right to privacy.

Quentin managed to keep Ben on his toes. “Look,” he told Ben one evening, “I understand the pressure you’re under. Really, I do. And I’ll do my best to respect that. But I’m sixteen years old. We both know this will probably mess me up a little. I promise you, I’m gonna make mistakes. Big ones. Well, not the pregnancy one, but something stupid, I’m sure. Still, I promise to do my best because I know you’re gonna do the same.” He paused for a moment, then said, “And, speaking of my age, I need to take my driving test.”

“You haven’t done that already?”

“I flunked the first time.”

“Really? Did you choke or what?”

“Kind of.”

Ben wanted to support Quentin, not make fun of him.

“It’s not a big deal, Q. Colin doesn’t even know how to drive. We’ll go down there next week and get you squared away.” Quentin passed his test the second time. Ben gave him a long leash, even though secretly he decided to use technology to his advantage, sneaking a GPS tracking app onto Quentin’s phone so he could at least see where he went.

By the end of January, Ben noticed that, one day at a time, despite their funk, he and his brothers had survived the initial shock of an unspeakable loss. Ben could see the outlines of a plan starting to form. Maybe life wouldn’t suck after all.

Finally, Ben tried to wrap his brain around the situation with Travis, a straight guy who turned out to be not so straight. Gay for Ben, maybe? It was confusing. And certainly the move back to New York made any step toward a relationship… insane? Irresponsible? Unnecessary? But then there was the kiss. It was a game changer. They couldn’t deny that, either. During January, every lingering hug good night, every casual touch in the kitchen, every whisper in his ear reminded Ben of that kiss. He knew all the reasons why they had backed off, but Ben thought that if he brought them out into the open, maybe they could figure out a way to move forward together.

S
O
ON
a Saturday night at the beginning of February, as Ben and Travis sat in the living room of the Walsh house, Ben decided to make his move. They had finished a movie and Travis was off work until Monday. The brothers had already gone to sleep. As Travis put on his boots, Ben stood up and went to his father’s rolltop desk and took out two pads of paper. He grabbed some pens and tossed them onto the sofa next to Travis.

“What’s this for?”

“We’re going to play a little game,” Ben answered.

“What kind of game?” Travis asked.

Ben sat down and took one of the pads and a pen.

“We are each going to make a list. The top five things we’re afraid of… ”

“What is this? Have you been watching Oprah’s final season?”

“… with each other,” Ben finished.

Travis paused. Without saying anything, he picked up the other pad.

“The top five things, eh?”

“The top five reasons that, one month later, we sit here having never repeated that kiss. There, I brought it up. Remember? A month ago we made out and then went back to being friends. But I think the bromance portion of this little adventure is over.”

Travis considered the proposal. He picked up a pen and wrote “My List” at the top.

“Let’s gitty on up, then,” he said.

Ben looked down at the blank pad of paper in his hand. He didn’t want to go too fast and rush Travis. After all, this was Ben’s idea, and he had already thought his list through. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched as Travis thought, then wrote, then thought some more. When it looked as if Travis was nearly finished, Ben wrote,

Ben’s List

1. I’m afraid you’re not gay.

2. I don’t want to screw up your relationship

with my brothers.

3. It’s a lot of pressure being your one and only guy.

4. I don’t see a future for us.

5. We’re moving to New York in four months.

They put their pens down at the same time.

“How do we do this?” Travis asked.

Ben didn’t answer. He tore the top sheet off his pad and handed it to Travis. The two men exchanged lists. Ben looked down and began to read.

My List

1. Not sure I’m gay

2. What if I’m not a bottom

3. Quentin/Jason/Cade

4. Don’t trust you (bastard)

5.
Y’all are moving to NYC in 4 months

They sat in silence for several moments. Ben took his time mulling over every word choice. He felt a bit stung, but at least he could see they were on the same page, more or less.

“You don’t trust me?” asked Ben.

“Not a hundred percent.”

“Why did you call me a bastard?”

“It was a joke. Well, kind of. Actions have consequences, Ben. No matter what you say, you were ashamed to tell Colin that I’m a mechanic. I wish to God that’d never happened. Things can change with time, but right now that’s how I feel.”

Ben decided to cut to the chase.

“Do you think about sex? With me?”

Travis blushed, but he didn’t look embarrassed.

“Of course I do. All the time. If you want to play a game, let’s play top five reasons we should.”

“Okay,” Ben nodded. “Let’s play.”

“Number one. Who cares if I’m gay or not? I spent the last month thinking about nothing but you, so right now I’m feeling pretty gay. And I reckon I’m doing just fine.”

“My number two and your number three are the same. My brothers.”

“We can’t do nothing to upset ’em.”

“So, then, let’s agree to that. No matter what we do, nothing changes with them.”

“I’m good with that.”

“There’s only one way to find out if you’re a bottom.”

“And you’re gonna have to get over being my one and only man. I think you can handle the pressure, Obi-Wan.”

“You don’t trust me.”

“Not yet. But then you don’t see a future for us.”

“Not yet.”

They stopped and read the lists again, each considering reason number five. Travis took a deep breath and spoke.

“It’s difficult reading those last ones considering the past six weeks. Like I said before, we of all people know that nothing in life is certain. Should we really make decisions based on what might happen four months from now?”

“You’re saying we could both be dead.”

“That’s what I’m saying.”

Ben paused.

“I had a dream about you.”

Travis grinned. “When?”

“The night David was here. In the morning. I had a dream that it was you. In bed with me. I run that kiss in the street over and over again in my head. Travis, I want to have sex with you. I know there are five really good reasons why we shouldn’t, but right now, all I can think about is the one amazing reason why we should.”

Travis looked at Ben directly. “I get the picture. And I’m in.”

“I don’t want you to be confused.”

“I’m a big boy, Ben. I know what I’m doing. Maybe I was confused a month ago, but I ain’t no more.”

They looked at each other.

“If we do this, it will be your first time with a guy.”

Travis kept smiling. Ben saw something new in his eyes.

“I’m more excited ’cause it’ll be my first time with you.”

“Are you ready?”

Travis sat up.

“Yep. I’m ready.”

Ben got up off the sofa and waited. Travis stood in front of him.

“No more guest room,” he said.

Ben laughed and took his hand. They went into Ben’s room and closed the door. They sat down on the bed, side by side.

“Those boys know better than to barge in here, don’t they?”

“What do you think?” Ben replied.

Travis kicked his boots off and grinned.

“I think I been on my feet all day. I could sure use a foot rub.”

“You turkey,” Ben joked.

Travis jumped onto the bed behind Ben. He scooted forward until his chest rested against Ben’s spine. Travis wrapped his legs around his waist and put his white-socked feet in Ben’s lap. Ben reached down and peeled the socks off, revealing little slices of heaven. He touched and rubbed Travis’s feet, feeling their perfection between his fingers. He pushed Travis back and flipped over as they came face to face with each other, Travis’s legs still wrapped around Ben’s waist. Ben leaned down and kissed him, allowing the length of their bodies to press together. Travis wrapped his arms around Ben’s neck.

“You’re a good kisser,” Travis said.

“Thanks, so are you.”

“I like the way your stubble feels. But we got too many clothes on.”

Travis began pulling at Ben’s shirt. They stood up and everything flew off at once until, seconds later, they faced each other in the open room, naked.

“Good golly,” said Travis, staring at Ben’s hardening cock. “It sure is big.”

Ben reached out and took hold of Travis’s dick. It looked like a solid seven inches. Ben could see the blue veins running underneath the pale skin. Travis moaned as Ben ran his thumb through the soft red pubic hair and then cupped the smooth balls with his hand. He watched as Travis stared down at Ben’s now protruding erection.

“Go ahead,” Ben said. “Touch it. I want you to.”

Travis hesitated at first, but then reached out, determined. He wrapped his hand around the base of Ben’s now rock-hard cock. He slowly moved his hand back and forth, sometimes squeezing, sometimes running his fingers lightly along the underside of Ben’s shaft.

“What do you think?” asked Ben.

Travis smiled and laughed.

“It’s hot.”

Ben dropped to his knees and looked up at Travis, then down at the throbbing prick in front of him. Ben put his mouth on Travis’s cock, all the way to the base. Ben could easily deep throat him and enjoyed engaging those skills now. He grabbed Travis’s hands and moved them to the back of his head, encouraging him to be a little rough. When Travis resisted, Ben pulled off his dick and looked up at him.

“I won’t break. Sex with guys can be a little more….”

“It’s not that. It’s just that if you keep sucking me, I’m gonna blow a load right off and I want to take my time with this.”

“Oh,” Ben said, standing up. He reached out and took Travis into his arms, and the two men embraced. “Lay down,” he said.

“On my stomach?”

“However you feel comfortable. On your stomach, on your back, whatever you want.”

Travis lay down on his stomach.

“I know what you want to see,” he smirked, wiggling his butt. “Ain’t that right?”

Ben looked down and the sight of Travis’s ass practically knocked the breath out of him. It looked just like it had in his dream—as if sculpted from marble. He reached down and caressed it, spreading the cheeks and revealing the virgin puckered hole waiting for him in between. Ben dove in with his tongue and showed no restraint. He lapped at the asshole with hunger. Travis reacted as if he knew exactly what he wanted. He didn’t yelp or pull away, but instead pushed back against Ben’s assault, reaching around and forcing his tongue in deeper. Ben lifted his hand and brought it down on Travis’s white ass cheek with a loud
whack,
but that only made Travis push back harder.