The Nothingness of Ben (12 page)

“I’m not dating a mechanic.”

“Not yet. But there’s clearly something going on.”

“I know, but what? The whole thing makes my head hurt.”

“It doesn’t matter. You know I don’t really like the term, but in this case it’s appropriate. You were a douche, Ben. You owe Travis an apology, prospective boyfriend or not. And I’d do it tonight, if I were you. Honestly, do not go back in there and face your brothers until you patch things up with him. Now, across the street with you. Git, as he would say.”

“Okay, I’m going. Tell them where I am?”

“Of course. As it was so eloquently pointed out to me this evening, I always cover your ass, Walsh.”

“I know. Thanks for that.”

B
EN
headed across the street and knocked on Mrs. Wright’s side door. He knew that Travis would be able to hear him. He could see light coming from underneath the closed door of the back bedroom. As soon as he knocked, he saw a shadow dart randomly along the thin strip of light at the bottom of the door.

Mrs. Wright called from the living room. “Travis! Someone’s knocking.”

A few moments later, Travis opened his door and saw Ben’s face, visible through the glass panes. Travis looked panicked and uncertain, but finally grabbed his jacket and passed through the living room to the kitchen.

“Who’s at the door, Travis?”

“It’s just Ben, Mrs. Wright. From across the street.”

“Oh, those poor boys. Tell him we’ll be praying for his family tomorrow at church.”

“I will.”

Travis opened the door and Ben stepped off the stairs onto the driveway. Travis locked the door behind him and then turned to face Ben.

“Your eyes are red.”

“We should take a walk,” Travis said, ignoring Ben’s comment. “Mrs. Wright says she’ll be praying for you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I heard. God knows I need it.”

“You ain’t gonna hear no arguments from me.”

Ben turned and started to move down the driveway, lagging enough until Travis caught up with him. The street where they lived was a cul-de-sac, though in Texas they didn’t bother with the French and just called it a dead end. They walked in the middle of the dark street, making their way onto one of the main thoroughfares and then past St. Paul’s Lutheran church, which had a bell tower that played seasonal hymns every day at noon and six. Ben considered it one of the perks of living in its shadow, infusing the neighborhood with an air of grace. Eventually, Travis stopped and took a seat on a bus-stop bench.

Ben pulled out his phone and looked at the time.

Eight thirty-eight.

He sat down next to Travis on the bench. They gazed out at the street, watching the cars race by.

“Why are we here?” asked Travis.

“Catching the bus?” Ben’s attempt to lighten the mood fell flat. “Sorry. I want to apologize.”

“So apologize.”

“I need to know something first.”

“What do you need to know?”

“Who I’m apologizing to.”

Travis glanced over at Ben and frowned.

“What does that mean?”

Ben turned his head and looked at Travis.

“Who am I apologizing to? Because it makes a difference. Are you the guy across the street who’s helping out in a pinch, maybe even a good friend? Or are you something more than that?”

“Like what?”

“You tell me. You look like shit, Atwood.”

“Geez, thanks a lot.”

“Does that have anything to do with what happened a few days ago? People don’t usually lose sleep over something like that unless….” Ben stopped short of saying it himself.

“Unless what?”

“Unless they feel something more than friendship.”

“I’m not gay, remember?”

“Yes, I remember. Then why all the Sturm und Drang?”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“It means that one minute you’re calling me a faggot and the next minute you’re showing up on my….”

“Okay, okay.” Travis paused. “You were right about the knees under the table thing.”

Ben exhaled. “Finally. So, you acknowledge something’s going on here?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I thought we were friends, Ben. At least that. But then something changed and… damn if I ain’t baffled by it. I don’t think of nothing else. I can’t eat or sleep. And I sure as hell don’t know where to go from here.”

Ben turned toward Travis.

“I think I do.”

Without any warning, Ben leaned over and kissed him. Travis’s lips trembled from the shock, his eyes wide open. But he didn’t pull away. Ben backed off for a second and then kissed him again. And again. Six, then seven. And eight. On the eighth kiss, Travis kissed him back.

Ben had his answer.

He pulled away and stared into Travis’s eyes. A number 10 bus drove up. Ben turned and waved it on, then settled himself back on the bench.

“David and I broke up. I don’t want you to think I’m kissing you while I have a boyfriend. Now, the apology. I’m a defense attorney, and if I were my own client, I would suggest going with temporary insanity.” He looked down, talking to his hands. “I’m not always a strong person. Like you said, I’m Lonely Boy. I don’t really fit into Colin’s world, but I can certainly act like a dick trying. It was a moment of weakness and I apologize.”

“Well, I’m sorry I used the F word.”

“We’ll chalk that up to a moment of weakness too.”

Travis yanked his coat collar up to stay warm. “Maybe I’m the wrong person for you, Ben. Are you ashamed of being…
whatever
with someone like me?”

“No. Absolutely not. I promise you right here that nothing like this will ever happen again. I’m a work in progress, Travis. God knows I know that. But this is not going to be an issue and I was a fool to lie to Colin. I am truly sorry.”

“Why did you kiss me?”

“Why did you kiss me back? Because you did—on number eight. You definitely kissed me back.”

Travis turned away and stared out at the traffic.

“I don’t understand what’s going on.”

“I know you’ve never fooled around with a guy. But you avoided my question last week. Did you ever want to?”

Travis paused and bit down on the corner of his mouth.

“The thought has crossed my mind. Recently.”

“Recently, as in since you met me?”

“Yes.”

“But not before that?”

Travis shook his head.

Ben huffed and rolled his eyes. “See, I just don’t buy that. I know there are supposed to be these straight guys out there who go gay for that one special dude. But it’s a fantasy. It doesn’t really happen, except maybe in romance novels and gay porn.”

“I can’t explain it.”

Ben decided to drop the subject. He had more important things on his mind. “Say you forgive me, Travis.”

“Of course I forgive you. As long as you forgive me for using that word.”

“Deal.”

Ben thrust out his hand and Travis shook it. Firm and sturdy. Travis looked at Ben and then pulled his hand away, turning his gaze back to the street.

The two men sat in silence for several moments.

“So,” Travis said. “Here we are.”

“Here we are,” Ben repeated.

“You’re not gonna ask me to decide anything tonight, are you?”

“Of course not.”

Ben looked over at Travis. He had a worried look on his face. That’s when Ben realized.

“You’re not okay with this. Are you?”

“With what?”

“Liking a guy. Kissing a guy. The possibility of being with a guy.”

Travis paused. “I….”

For a moment it looked like he might lay it all out on the proverbial table, but then he stopped himself.

“I don’t know.”

Ben nodded thoughtfully.

“Okay, then. Muddy waters.”

“What’s that?”

“Something my dad used to say. When everything is confusing and murky, he told us to treat it like muddy water. Stop. Sit still. Let the dirt settle and eventually the water will clear up.”

“Does that mean you don’t want me coming around no more?”

Ben laughed. “No, that is not what I mean. I’m just saying that we need to step back. Take it easy. See how things go. Before we decide if we want to take our bromance to the next level.”

Travis laughed and rubbed his eyes. “Our bromance? You crack me up.”

“I know. It’s one of the things I like about you. Now, let’s go. I’m sure everyone is wondering what’s going on.”

They got up off the bench and walked back to their block. When they reached Mrs. Wright’s house, they stopped under the streetlamp. Travis looked down at his feet but clearly wanted to say something.

“What is it?” Ben asked.

Travis kicked a pavement stone with his boot.

“There’s something you should know about me. That is, mostly I’m a sorry-ass coward. But since I met you, well, it’s made me not want to be a coward so much. It’s made me want to take chances, which is what I’m trying to do here. We both know that nothing in life is for certain. So if we decide not to”—he grinned meekly and looked up—“you know, take our bromance to the next level, could you do it one more time?”

Ben looked confused at first, but then he understood.

“You mean kiss you?”

Travis nodded. “Yeah. Just so I’ll remember what it feels like, in case things… don’t work out.”

Ben looked at him and swallowed. He didn’t need any arm-twisting. He leaned down slowly until their lips were about an inch apart. Then he stopped. They looked into each other’s eyes.

“What will the neighbors think?” Ben asked softly.

“We need a good scandal on the block.”

Ben arched forward and brushed Travis’s lips. A little at first, and then, after a moment, more intense. Travis wrapped his arms around Ben’s neck as Ben invaded his mouth with his tongue. Ben pulled Travis close to him, wrapping his arms around his waist, unleashing all his pent-up frustration from the past two weeks. He pushed, grabbed, and practically strangled Travis, allowing him to open up the unexpected floodgates of his grief. Soon Ben could taste his salty tears as they melted into their kisses. He stopped and rested their foreheads together.

“I feel it,” Ben said. “It’s here. They’re not coming back, are they?”

Travis held him as he broke down weeping.

“No, Ben. This is it. They’re not coming back.”

Chapter 10

A
FTER
Ben regained his composure, he and Travis sat on the curb and talked for another hour. Ben explained how the New York solution came about and it gave them another reason to put the brakes on their budding relationship. After they finally said good night, Ben went inside and convinced his brothers that he had patched everything up with Travis. The next day, after Colin and David left, Travis knocked on the door. He had a new recipe and wanted to know if he could try it out.

“Jesus,” Quentin muttered under his breath to Ben as Jason and Cade helped Travis carry groceries to the kitchen. “He comes up with some moronic excuses to hang out with you.”

Ben looked surprised. “What are you talking about? He was hanging out here for months before I showed up.”

“But he never came up with something like trying out a new recipe. I don’t know, big brother. I think he might be gay for you.”

After the kiss, Ben was pretty sure Quentin was right, but he was also sure that full disclosure to his brothers wasn’t a good idea yet, so he played dumb.

“You don’t go gay for one person,” Ben said, rolling his eyes.

“According to Kinsey….”

“That dude was a quack. There was no control to his studies, and they were anecdotal at best. The latest research from 2005 suggests sexual orientation in men is fixed. Google it.”

“Mark this day on the calendar,” Quentin announced. “I know something you don’t.”

“Not possible.”

“Afraid so. Because I
did
Google it, loser. A Northwestern study last year used new criteria to select people for their study. Their conclusion was that bisexuality is totally real and comes in all different system configurations. Which is so obvious. You’re using an outdated argument to cover up what you know is true.”

“I’m a lawyer, Quentin.”

“Travis has been acting different since you got here.”

“Differently,” Ben corrected him.

“That’s just my natural aversion to adverbs. And then last night, when he found out you threw him under the bus like that, did you see his face?”

“I didn’t throw him under the bus.”

“Heartbroken. That’s how I’d describe it. Wouldn’t you?”

“He was not heartbroken. I told you, we patched things up.”

“And I’m impressed. Really. What is it about you that everyone finds so damned charming?”

“When you figure it out, please let me know.”

“Shit,” Quentin said. “I bet you a hundred bucks he’s into you.”

Ben considered it. As he saw it, either way he won.

“You’re on.”

That night, neither Travis nor Ben mentioned the kiss. The next day would be the boys’ first back to school since the death of their parents, and Travis didn’t stick around long after dinner. A couple of nights later, though, he came back. The two of them got along great as long as they didn’t discuss the elephant in the room. So they didn’t, and after a few days, they found it easier to pretend that the kiss never happened, even though Ben thought about it every time Travis said good night.