The Life and Afterlife of Charlie Brackwood (The Brackwood Series Book 1) (19 page)

Russ looked at her with sadness. "I guess we just need to focus on the healing part of that sentence."

As they travelled through the dense greenery I could hear the distinct sound of water. There was a river nearby no doubt.  The trees parted to reveal a clearing devoid of undergrowth but shrouded in a canopy of branches with a hole at the centre where the branches didn't quite meet.  I stared at it in wonder as I began to realise that I had been here before.  This was the clearing Lucy and I had returned to every year since the summer we released Archimedes.  I started to wonder if this year she had returned for a different reason.

"So this is the famous clearing, is it?"

Russ was never included in our yearly treks into the wild to find our feathered friend.  It was an outing reserved solely for Lucy and me and it was an annual event that I’d always looked forward to.

"This is it," Lucy said, looking up at the gap in the trees overhead.

"So this is where you two used to disappear to every summer... well, don't I feel privileged today?" Russ said sarcastically. Lucy glowered at him as he petted Snoop’s head, the dog staring up at him adoringly.

"I can't believe it's been a year already," she said, ignoring Russ’s comment and choosing to stare at the patch of blue sky instead.

"I know. They tell me that one-year anniversaries are the hardest," Russ said as he unzipped the rucksack he had brought.

Anniversary
?
I thought. 
They were celebrating an anniversary?
  I didn't understand. 
Why had they driven to the middle of nowhere?  My funeral could only have been a few weeks ago, why weren't they more upset?

Russ pulled out a flat, large, square-shaped package and held it up.

"You ready, Luce?" he asked sympathetically.

"Ready as I'll ever be," she called.

On top of the package was a note in Lucy's handwriting.  Suddenly the reason they had come here and the importance of the date all became clear to me.

Dearest Charlie,

It's a year since you left us.  For me it's been a year of torment, nightmares and invisible pain.  Looking back, I can hardly comprehend how I got through the loneliness, how I got myself dressed every morning... how I carried on living without you.  Instead of planning a wedding, I planned a funeral.  In place of hymns to celebrate our marriage, I sang hymns to celebrate your life. I left the church in a black funeral car, not the white horse-drawn carriage I had always imagined. Life didn't go the way we planned but I know you would have made a handsome groom and a phenomenal husband.

It saddens me that I will never meet you at the altar.  We will never exchange vows.  You will never tell me how beautiful I look in my big white wedding gown.  You will never place a gold ring on my finger and we will never get the chance to live the rest of our lives together.  But I will carry you always in my heart and our lives will always be so delicately intertwined.  Your friendship made me the person I am today.  Thank you.  I will remember you.

I've been spending a lot of time in the treehouse you built, reminiscing about you and our time together, and I find myself feeling grateful for the time we did have, for the opportunity to watch you grow into the most wonderful man I've ever known and to witness you accomplish so much in your short life.  You always treated me as though I was the centre of your world and for this I am grateful.  I am proud of you.

I miss so much about you.  I miss your laugh, your smile, how it always took you ages to brush your teeth, your failure to put anything away, instead preferring to keep things in an organised pile on the floor... I even miss your snores (it's ironic that I always complained about your snoring and now I can't sleep without the sound).

I miss telling you about my day, teasing you, laughing with you, but most of all I miss your warm embraces.  I yearn for physical contact and would give anything for just one last hug from you.  I just miss you.

Our life together had only just started before you were taken away from me and I believe there was a reason for that.  Wherever you are, please know that I won't forget you, that the sun still rises and sets with you, and that you were and always will be important to me.  But I need to move on now... I need to let you go.  I have carried the burden of loss and pain for too long.  This letter is a way for me to find closure for your death and by doing this I hope that the weight that has been holding me down for the past year will be lifted.  So, for the last and final time, I need to say something to you and I hope to God you hear it.

Goodbye, Charlie.

I love you. I miss you.  I forgive you. You are significant.

Your Lucy

I watched through my tears as Russ folded out the flat package he had brought.  It was a Chinese lantern.  He attached Lucy's letter to the square base of the object and then took another piece of paper out of the rucksack and attached it to one side.  This time the letter was written in his hand.

My oldest friend,

I'm not the best at writing letters as you know (maybe I should've got Lucy to write it). You have been gone far too long, buddy.  You’d probably tease me for this, but I still save you a seat in the pub every night, in our old spot by the fire.  I keep expecting you to walk through the door, saying that it was all a big joke, that you're not really gone. But you well and truly did it this time, there's no coming back.

I blame myself.  Why did I let you go alone?  What were you doing up there by the church that night?  I saw you head in the wrong direction and thought nothing of it.  Why didn't I stop you?  I should've made sure you got back safely.  I am a bad friend and I hope you can forgive me.

You were like a brother to me, Charlie.  You always steered me in the right direction. I didn't do the same for you when you needed me to... I'm sorry.  Again, I hope you can forgive me.

I look up at the sky sometimes and expect to see your face.  I know you have gone to a better place and are no doubt having the time of your life too. (What are the lasses like?)  Don't worry about Lucy, I am taking good care of her.  I have spent many nights in my car watching the house to make sure she's safe.  I know she doesn't like a lot of fuss so looking after her from afar seems to be my only option.  But she is safe, Charlie.  As long as I'm here she always will be.  She misses you and I'm trying so hard to love her the way you did.  I think I mostly piss her off though... that'll happen.

This will sound strange but sometimes I can still feel you around.  I can feel your presence.  No ogling me in the shower now... it'll only make you insecure.

Love you, buddy.  Wherever you are, I hope it's a happy place.

Your brother Russ

I felt the pain in the words he had written.  Russ had poured out his heart in ink and paper and that was something that didn't often happen.  He and Lucy had bled the emotions they had held in their hearts for too long and their words caused me to grieve for them and all I had put them through.

With a heavy heart I watched them set fire to the tiny tealight at the base of the lantern.  They stood facing each other as they held on to the glowing cube of light.  Russ looked at Lucy and they counted to three, then released it.  They turned their faces up to the sky as they watched it disappear through the hole in the forest canopy and then carry on its journey.  Its mission was clear: to reach me with their heart-felt but sombre messages.  Just like the balloons we’d released for Gilly all those years before.

Lucy let out a sigh of relief and wiped away the tears that had formed in her eyes.  Russ stared at her with sympathy in his eyes.  She looked back at him beneath her thick eyelashes, her embarrassment obvious. He moved swiftly, put an arm around her shoulders and led her over to a fallen tree trunk where he sat her down.  She was breathing fast.  Deep heavy breaths.  It was almost as though she could not get enough air into her lungs.  I had seen Lucy react this way many times before over the years.  Overwhelmed with emotion, she had got herself so upset that she had begun to panic.

Russ guided her towards him and stroked her head as she rested it against his chest. 

"It's OK, Luce," he told her, "you need closure." 

He rested his chin on top of her head and closed his eyes while breathing in deeply.  No doubt he could smell the fragrant shampoo on her hair.  I felt envious of him.  He got to hold her when she was in turmoil, talk to her about her day, and all the other mundane things I yearned to experience again.  He was clearly in love with Lucy, and from what I had observed today had felt this way for a very long time.

Slowly, her breathing became normal again.  Russ stared down at her face.  Her eyes were tightly closed and she had disappeared inside her mind, which was a form of coping mechanism for her.  He sighed as he gazed at her still features, then he looked up at the sky and finally allowed a single tear to roll down his stubbled cheek.  It was obvious that witnessing Lucy's distress was breaking his own heart.

She stirred.  "Hey," he said softly, looking down at her.

"I think the sound of your heartbeat soothes me, Russ." She smiled up at him. 

He stared at her a while as if struggling to decide something. Then he placed his hands on her shoulders and forced her to look at him.

“Luce, I need to tell you something and I don’t want you to go crazy.  It’s just... I think about you all the time.  Alone in that big house, with nobody around to take care of you.  I want to... what I’m saying is, I’ve been looking out for you all your life. Hell, I even broke into our old school gym to steal the biology paper that you never got a chance to sit due to a crazy ex-girlfriend of mine giving you sleeping pills... do you remember that?  Anyway, I stayed up all night filling that paper with the correct answers so that you could get your A and be accepted on to your university course. And I know it must sound crazy…”

“That was you?”

Lucy’s eyes grew soft as she took in what Russ was telling her and they stared at each other for a long, intense moment.  In one quick movement he cupped her cheek and brushed his lips over hers.  I heard a sharp whack as Lucy slapped his face, anger burning in her eyes.  She was glaring at him in a reaction that showed his declaration was unwelcome.  Russ stared at the ground, no doubt ashamed of his move on her.

Lucy stood up and ran out of the clearing the way they had come in.  Russ groaned.

"Luce, wait," he said as he took off at a fast pace behind her, whilst Snoop ran at his heels. 

The greenery that surrounded him was a blur as he fought to catch up.  Lucy was a regular runner and extremely fit, this was a walk in the park for her, but Russ was out of shape and struggled to keep up.  I watched as he bent over with his hands on his thighs, trying to catch his breath.  I guess he had let his fitness routine slip lately. 

I was worried for Lucy but also angry that my best friend had caused this reaction in her. 
Come on, Russ, find her!

After a few minutes he set off again, Lucy was now out of sight.  Suddenly he stopped and looked around as if he had heard something.  "Help," he heard someone scream.  The voice was female but unfamiliar.  He raced towards it and found an elderly woman with a dog. One arm was extended and her finger pointed down past the grassy verge to a ravine.  Russ stared and a look of horror slowly spread over his face.  Lying in a mass of vegetation was a woman’s body.  Curly dark hair covered some of her features but I instantly recognised the face as Lucy's.

Chapter Seventeen

My heart was pounding as the door slammed behind me.  The anger raging through my body was something foreign to me. 

Russ kissed me tonight
. 

The words went round in my head and fanned the flames of anger burning within me.

Someone behind called my name − pleaded with me to come back.  But I ignored them as anger cast a furious haze over my mind.  I trudged through the snow and as the cold bit at my skin I realised I had forgotten to put on a jacket in my hurry to find the individual who had caused this outburst of fury.  The crunching sound of snow under my feet was satisfying to my ears, for reasons unknown to me.

How could he do this... how dare he?

My anger at Russ's actions only increased the more I thought about him with Lucy.  A vision of his lips on hers regularly entered my mind and set my stomach twisting. I heard frantic footsteps behind me and was reminded once again of Lucy’s presence.

"Charlie, where are you going?"

"Stay out of this, Lucy," I said, staring straight ahead.

"I can't stay out of this... Where are you going? Are you looking for him?" she said, a little out of breath from trying to catch up with me, she was still wearing a pair of my slippers.

I turned around to face her and she stopped abruptly, looking startled.  I would never hurt her but in that moment she seemed afraid of me.

"Go back inside, Lucy, it's far too cold out here for you to be running around," I said sternly.

She was completely shocked by the way I was treating her.

"I will not," she said stubbornly, arms crossed tightly over her chest.

"Fine," I said, and continued my hunt for my best friend.

"Maybe you could point me in the direction of where you last saw him?" I was aware of the rare, unfriendly tone in my voice and was shocked myself by how hard I was being on her.

"No, not if you're going to start trouble with him.  I don't want anyone getting hurt."

Trouble was an understatement

"That’s OK. I think I know where to find him," I said bitterly.

"Charlie, stop!  I've never seen you like this before." Lucy was panicking. "Please slow down, we can talk about this."

I ignored her pleas and headed towards the path that ran alongside the river.  There were a few picnic tables there and I knew it was a place Russ often liked to retreat to when his head was full of confused thoughts.  The snow was coming down in thick flakes and the wind had picked up. This made it hard for me to see far in front of me.  Fortunately, I knew the village like the back of my hand and moved swiftly towards my destination.

As I approached the picnic area I saw a figure hunched over one of the tables.  It was male and he had his back to me.  I always knew where to find Russ.  Still seething with anger, I strode over and grabbed his shoulder so hard that it caused him to spin around. The stench of alcohol smacked me in the face as Russ greeted me with a smile.

"Hey, bud... what's up?" He was slurring his words slightly but he wasn't completely intoxicated.

"WHAT'S UP? You’ve hit a new low this time, Russ," I shouted, taking him completely off guard. "You think you can use her like one of your bimbos, huh?" I said, pushing him backwards.

He stood up with his hands raised defensively.

"Oh, I see, this is because I kissed her," he said, glancing at Lucy.  The way he said it, so casually, sparked anger in me once more.  I gritted my teeth and jabbed a frozen finger at Russ.

"I will not let you damage Lucy with your self-destructive behaviour, Russ.  She is not one of your sluts."

"What the fuck, Charlie?” he said, holding up his hands in a gesture that incensed me.  “She doesn't belong to you," he shouted over the howling wind that was whipping around us, "you don't have any rights over her."

A sarcastic chuckle escaped my lips.

"Neither do you, Russ."

"Who says I don't? You just can't accept she'd rather be with me than with you." He stood up and moved closer, trying to provoke me.  He wanted a fight.

"Please stop this," Lucy shouted. "I can't bear to see you talk to each other this way."

Russ turned to her. His eyes fleetingly held hers in an angry glance before he concentrated on me.

"Tell him... tell him how you feel about me!"

"Russ, you don't know what you're talking about. Let's go back to Charlie's house and discuss this like adults," Lucy answered, rubbing her arms and looking at him pleadingly.

Russ made an exasperated sound as he looked at her.

"I didn't see you putting up much of a fight, Luce!  You wanted it as much as I did an hour ago, but you play the innocent little girl as soon as
he
gets involved.” Russ scowled at her. “You're just a little tease, aren't you? Playing me off against him all this time, to boost your own ego.  You're a cock tease, Lucy!" he yelled.

I had heard enough. His words intensified the anger that was bubbling below the surface and I felt myself give way to it.  I planted my back foot and raised my fist.

"Charlie, no!" Lucy yelled.

Without considering the consequences, I hit Russ square in the face.  He didn’t even have time to defend himself. Time seemed to slow down as I watched my best friend hit the frozen ground hard.  The fresh snow was splattered with a pretty red pattern where he landed.

Russ looked up at me from his vulnerable position, a smirk on his bleeding face.

"Is that all you've got?" He spat into the snow, tarnishing the whiteness with droplets of deep red once more.

The sight of his blood was enough to make me feel guilty for what I had done. In a naive attempt at reconciliation, I stretched out my hand to help him to his feet.  Russ shook his head in disdain. "Wanker," he muttered under his breath as he scrambled up unaided. 

The anger that had started to dissipate came back full force then and before I realised it I had hit him again.  Lucy's scream could be heard over the violent whipping of the wind.  It seemed to reverberate against the darkness. I closed my eyes as a mixture of shame and fear washed over me.  Lucy rushed over to where Russ had fallen back into the snow. She bent over him, cradling his head.  His nose and mouth were now pouring blood. He had a split bottom lip and a black bruise was beginning to form around one eye.  I had never hit anyone before and the sight of such injuries caused by me were enough to make me swear never to allow myself to lose control like that again.

"How could you? You've knocked him unconscious!"  Lucy said accusingly before gathering up a handful of snow and pressing it on to the swelling that was causing Russ’s eye to close painfully.

"He deserved it," I said calmly, despite the guilt that was creeping in.

"He's your best friend!" Lucy wailed, clearly struggling with what she had just seen.

"Was... he
was
my best friend, Luce."  There was no way of forgetting the callous words that had spilled out of Russ’s mouth, no way of forgiving them.

I watched with regret as tears started to roll down Lucy's cheeks. The sense of what I had done suffocated me. 

"I can't do this any more,” she sobbed while tenderly stroking Russ’s hair off his forehead. “This isn't how you treat people! My life is surrounded by enough violence and never ending arguments as it is."

Russ started to stir. Before long he had opened his eyes and was looking at us with a confused expression on his face.  He groaned loudly as the pain returned and touched the swelling around his eye.  Lucy managed to get him into a sitting position before attempting to haul him to his feet.

"Here, let me help," I said, moving towards her with arms outstretched ready to lift Russ from his position on the ground.

She swiftly held up one hand in front of her, a flash of anger in her eyes.

"I think you've done enough.  I'm taking him home with me."

"But, Luce − "

"No! Go home, Charlie," she said in a hard tone of voice that I had never heard her use before.

I watched them stumble off in the direction of Lucy's house.  The snow was coming down thick and fast.  Within minutes it had created a white, wavering barrier between me and my childhood friends as they turned away and made their way back together.

The next morning when I left the house I was confronted with drifts of pure, glistening white and found myself grateful for the sight.  It meant that the evidence of my fight with Russ the night before would be safely buried. 

Everywhere I looked children were laughing and building snowmen, completely oblivious to my sombre mood.  Two boys of around ten years old passed me in high spirits, dragging sledges through the snow behind them.  As I watched them I was reminded of the many times Russ and I had been sledging as children.  The guilt set in again.

I trudged on in the direction of Lucy's house. I needed to apologise and to know that I was forgiven.  The memory of seeing her with such deep anger in her eyes stayed with me and I had spent all night worrying about what she now thought of me. 

However, my anger with Russ still lingered.  I hated his selfish attitude and the sense of entitlement he seemed to have.  I’d always thought that the way he treated women was wrong but now that his arrogance was aimed at Lucy the hatred I felt for him was fierce.  I would protect her from him as much as she would let me, I vowed.

I remembered the desperate words Lucy had sputtered last night, before Russ had intervened and made it all about him.  She had somehow veered off course and needed me to set her in the right direction again. Her life was more turbulent than it should be at the moment.  It angered me that Russ had done this to her.  She needed stability and the warmth of friendship, he hadn't even realised she was in trouble.  His selfishness was astonishing.  I needed to see Lucy and let her know that whatever she was going through at the moment, I was willing to help.  I needed her to know that her happiness was the most important thing to me.

I turned the corner and saw her standing outside her house.  She was wearing a knitted hat with a matching scarf and her cheeks were tinged with red from the cold. For a moment I saw Lucy as she’d looked as a young girl, an innocent child with cherub cheeks and freckles.  Then she spotted me and her expression melted away the happy memories I had of her.  The look on her face told me she was still furious with me. 

"Hey," I said softly.

"Don't even bother, Charlie," she said, folding her arms in front of her as she stared daggers in my general direction.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry for my behaviour last night."

"Your behaviour?" she asked sarcastically. "Oh... you mean messing up your friend’s face so badly that I had to call out the emergency doctor last night?"

"You did? Oh..."  I tried to think of a way to make this better. 
I had caused so much damage to Russ that the doctor needed to be called?
I felt instantly ashamed.

"He needed three stitches by the way," said Lucy as she turned her back on me and started to load the car with a suitcase that stood on the ground beside her.

"Three stitches... I... erm... three?"

She slammed the boot of the car loudly and sighed.

"Yes, three stitches, Charlie! You should see his face. What you did to him was sheer bloody savagery."

Anger started to bubble beneath the surface again.  I tried hard to control it.

"I was defending
you
!  He was saying some awful things about you. How did you expect me to react?"

"You should have walked away! He was drunk... you know how he gets," said Lucy, walking quickly to the other side of the car.  She picked up a few carrier bags laden with food and put them on the back seat.

"I couldn't walk away, Luce. I didn't like the things he was saying."

A voice called from inside the house.

"Are you nearly ready for the off, Lucy?" It was her dad.

"Yes, just a minute," she called back.

"Wait a minute... you're leaving?"

She looked me straight in the eye and said, "Yes, I am."

"But...you can't go.  It's not even Christmas yet... I've hardly seen you." I started to raise my voice in desperation.

"I can't stay here and watch you and Russ ruin your friendship. I can't be the one in the middle anymore. I have issues of my own I can't handle being dragged into yours as well."

"What else do you think I'm doing here, Luce? I want to help you... you need me... I can help you start over... help you with your... problems." I said the last part quietly so her dad wouldn’t hear. "I know I can help you change."

She laughed snidely. "Into what? The perfect princess you've made me out to be in your head? I'm not her, Charlie... she doesn't exist."

"She did once."

"Well, I guess she's grown up now," said Lucy, about to get into the driver’s seat. "I'm setting off," she called into the house.

"Luce, please," I begged, peering through the window of her car.