Read The Honorable Barbarian Online

Authors: L. Sprague de Camp

Tags: #Fiction, #Fantasy, #General

The Honorable Barbarian (21 page)

"Superhuman Sire," said Aki, "this puddle of filth has with him Master Litsun of Jobe, a respected merchant. He has just returned from his latest trading visit to Mulvan. On a previous journey, he met Wizard Ghulam and his chela Rao. Now he assures me that he who stands before you, professing himself that Rao, be nought of the sort."

"Thine Ineffable Majesty!" cried Toga. "This mote of dust has proof that the self-styled Rao be indeed he! Behold, O Master of the Universe!"

From one of his baggy sleeves, Toga produced the paper bearing the sketch by which he had identified Kerin at Koteiki. Heads, including the Emperor's, craned to view the picture. Aki cried:

"O Sovran of the Universe, heed not this notorious barbarian-lover Toga! Anyone can draw a picture. How know we that he have not limned it within the hour, for this very purpose?"

"Liar!" cried Toga. "You blind ass, this is the very paper you gave me to identify the barbarian—"

"You white rabbit, ever truckling to dirty foreigners—"

"You thing!" Both were screaming and waving fists.

"You less-than-a-thing!" yelled Aki.

"Shut up, both of you!" barked the Emperor. "Down on your bellies, to beg our divine forgiveness!"

Both officials broke off and flopped down in the
kotou,
murmuring: "O Universal Ruler, forgive this heap of excrement. . . . O Surrogate of the Gods, pardon this slimy slug. . . ."

After a few minutes, Dzuchen said: "Enough! Get up and continue the business at hand. Hold that drawing closer. Ah, it doth indeed match the features of our present Master Rao; doth it not, Aki?"

"Now that I scrutinize it," said Aki, "I confess that it doth. How say you, Master Litsun?"

"True," said Litsun; "but if this loathsome worm may offer his opinion, it also resembles the visage of the genuine Rao, the Mulvanian one. If he who stands before us be the true Rao, he must have been soaked in a tub of bleaching fluid. The other Rao, when I saw him last year, was as dark as if stained with walnut juice."

The Emperor fixed his slit-eyed gaze on Kerin, with a nasty little smile. "Well, Master Rao—whichever of the twain you be—how answer you this, ere we sentence you to the hundred-cut dismemberment?"

Kerin opened his mouth, but for a few heartbeats no sound came forth; such was the terror that gripped him. At last he pulled himself together. "Your Divine Majesty, it is true that I was darker of hue when I left my native land. Wights from my part of Mulvan are naturally lighter, but exposure to the sun in the more tropical sections darkens them. Since I have been traveling above three months and have been under cover much of that time, my skin has paled." Turning to Litsun, he spoke a rapid sentence in Mulvani that he had been mentally rehearsing: "How like you our northern weather for a change?"

When the man hesitated in answering, Kerin added: "Now doubt you that I be an authentic Mulvanian?"

Litsun spread his hands. "He seems to speak fluent Mulvani, albeit with an accent."

"That is the normal speech of my province," said Kerin.

"There appears to be more here than meets the eye," grumbled the Emperor. "Let us not rush to judgment but have the matter thoroughly and impartially investigated. Let us see; for inquisitors, whom shall we appoint—"

At that instant the sweating Dzuchen, having absentmindedly opened the fan, fanned himself. Instantly the Emperor disappeared with a rush of air. The fan clattered to the dais.

Outcries arose. Two guards who had stood beside the dais whipped out swords and rushed around the structure, peering around each corner as if expecting an assassin to spring upon them.

"Master Rao!" cried the piercing croak of Wizard Oshima. "Secure the fan and code book, quickly!"

His wits keyed up, Kerin instantly saw the sense of the wizard's command. Whoever possessed the fan could dictate terms. He vaulted back atop the dais, snatched up the fan, and took the code book from where it lay on an arm of the throne.

"Give them here!" cried Oshima, reaching up.

"Why?" said Kerin. "Think you to make yourself Emperor?"

"Nay, fool! Me, spend my days performing rituals, hearing petitions, and questioning spies? Rubbish! Nor could a foreign barbarian like you aspire to the throne. If we bring back Dzuchen, he
may
be grateful."

"I'll do it," said Kerin, opening the book. Then he realized that the book was written in Kuromonian characters, of which he knew a mere handful.

"Here!" he said, extending the book. "We must work together on this. You shall tell me the code whilst I do the raps."

"Sense at last, I see," growled Oshima, turning pages. "Here we are: 'Emperor,' three left, three right, four head. No, no, idiot! By 'left' it means holding the fan in the right hand and rapping the left wrist, not holding it in the left!"

Kerin went through the procedure. There was another
foomp
of air. A bulky man of late middle age, wearing a plain green robe over black silken trousers, materialized on the throne. On his head sat a round hat of a long-obsolete style, on top of which sparkled a diamond the size of a small hen's egg.

Kerin started back, saying: "Who are
you
?"

The man goggled, mumbling: "Who dares—what—where are we?" He stared about. "This looketh like unto our throne of audience, in our Proscribed Palace. . . . But all is different—the costumes, the décor—and we see none we know. Ye, young barbarian!" His speech had an archaic flavor.

"Aye, sir?" said Kerin.

"Who are
ye
?"

"Rao the Mulvani, on a mission for the Emperor and the King of Mulvan."

"What Emperor?"

"His Imperial Majesty Dzuchen."

"But we are—at least we were—the Emperor, Tsotuga the Fourth. How explainest that? We were having a quiet game of
sachi
with our Prime Minister, and then
pfft
!
Here we are."

"Superhuman Sire," said Oshima, looking up from the floor. "Suffer this pile of ordure to explain."

"Who art thou?"

"Imperial Wizard Oshima, Omnipotent One. Doth Your Ineffable Majesty recall a magical fan, brought hither by a Mulvani ascetic?"

"Aye. We begin to understand. The accursed Zamben must have exchanged fans and fanned us away. Now we have been recalled.
When
is this?"

Oshima said: "The sixth month of the Year of the Camel, in the Cycle of the Tortoise."

"That is as least two centuries," mused Tsotuga. "All our contemporaries maun be dead, including that sharptongued consort of ours. Who, said the young Mulvani, was now Emperor?"

"Dzuchen the First, Majesty. You see, in a careless moment he fanned himself away.''

"Aha! Is that the same fan in the young man's hand?"

"A replica, Sire, made by this incompetent bungler. The original vanished when your former Prime Minister, having made himself Emperor, inadvertently evoked a dragon. The creature devoured him, fan and all, ere he could defend himself. After His Majesty Dzuchen vanished, we sought to recall him according to the code but got Your Sublime Self instead. Doubtless when one taps 'Emperor,' one gets them in the order wherein they were filed away. Another set of raps might fetch him back."

"Be not hasty, Doctor Oshima," said Tsotuga. "Methinks one Emperor at a time be all the Empire can afford. What wilt take for the fan and the code book? Ask not for the Imperial throne; we are sure neither of you be eligible. But ye shall not find us ungrateful to those who have restored us. Ye first, Doctor Oshima?"

"All I ask, Sire, is to continue my magical researches in the Department of Health and Welfare, and not to have to squabble with the Imperial Treasury over appropriations for the supplies and equipment I need."

"Ye shall have your wish. And ye, Master—Rao, was it?"

"I need to complete my mission for King Lajpat of Mulvan, Majesty. An ample travel allowance, to leave me something over when I get home, and an escort back to Koteiki by horse or carriage would suit me well."

"Ye shall have it, also. The fan and book, pray!"

Tsotuga held out his hands. Kerin handed over the fan and passed the code book from Oshima to Tsotuga, with a trace of hesitation. While he considered nothing so impractical as aspiring to the throne of Kuromon, he mistrusted rulers, knowing too many tales of the perfidies their power tempted them to commit. But, isolated in the midst of this vast and populous land, he could not think of a viable alternative.

Oshima turned to the whispering, jostling throng, who seemed too paralyzed by the rush of events to interfere. "Hail His Imperial Majesty, Tsotuga the Fourth, whom the fifty-seven major deities have given us in place of the late Emperor Dzuchen!" he shouted.

Turning back, he performed the
kotou
to the throne. Little by little, all the others in the Hall of Audience followed suit. Kerin slipped down from the dais and did likewise.

Tsotuga clapped his hands. "All rise! Is the Imperial Historian present?"

A man with a long gray beard stepped forward. "Your abysmally humble servant, Majesty."

"Good!" said Tsotuga. "Ye shall remain with us, to bring us up to date on the events since our—ah—vacation. The rest of you, return to your duties!"

Kerin and Nogiri stood at the rail of the
Warabi Mora
as the ship entered Kwatna harbor. Kerin slid an arm around Nogiri's slim brown waist and gave her a slight hug. She said thoughtfully:

"My lord, all my life I have been warned against that excited state called 'falling in love.' The right thing, they told me, was to achieve a stable state of mutual respect with one's spouse. But I fear I have developed that kind of passionate attachment towards you that I was warned against. You don't even seem ugly to me anymore, despite your staring eyes and great beak of a nose. Think you I've done wrong?"

Kerin laughed. "By Astis' ivory teats, no! I ve been trying to tell you I feel the same towards you. So I'm delighted—"

"Master Kerin!" said a faint, tinkling little voice.

"Eh? Who's that? You sound like Belinka!"

"And why not, since forsooth I am Belinka?" said the sprite. Barely visible in the sunshine, the little blue light danced above the deck on a level with Kerin's face. "It joys me to see you returning safely. For a month I have haunted incoming ships seeking you."

"Methought," said Kerin, "you were returning to Kortoli?"

"I was. But I tarried in Kwatna to build up strength for the journey; and then I became close friends with Sendu, Doctor Klung's hantu. He is a sweet fellow, if betimes a trifle stupid. We have been—we are—"

"Carrying on a love affair, like a Prime Plane pair?"

"Well—ah—in a way; albeit we do it differently from you. But pray, when you return home, tell no one! Madame Erwina would punish me."

Kerin grinned. "If you will keep quiet about my blunders, such as twice falling into the sea, and my flight from Janji, and letting Malgo disarm me, I won't betray your little intrigue. But think not I'll give up my princess here, either!"

"Oh, I am reconciled to that. When I think of other mortal women, I realize you could have done far worse. But I must needs warn you! Doctor Pwana is still hostile, the spirits tell me, because that temple guard whom you sworded died."

"I'm sorry for the guard, albeit 'twas self-defense. But about Pwana?"

"If he learn that you have returned, as he probably hath already from his spirits, he will do you mischief."

"Why? With his Mulvani magus, he had no more need for Nogiri."

Nogiri: "Pwana is a man of fixed ideas. Since you defeated him by carrying me off and slaying his guard, he will lust for revenge as long as he lives, for aught you can do."

Kerin grunted thoughtfully. "Belinka, we cannot long remain aboard, unless we wish to buy passage back to Koteiki. So methinks to pay Doctor Klung a speedy visit." As the
Warabi Mora
inched her way up to her quay with shouts of sailors and rattle of rigging, his glance raked the waterfront. "I see no temple guards or priests lurking. But if they appear—how is the paving to Klung's house? There was something about the Sophi's plan to pave the main streets with flagstones."

"Excellent," said Belinka. "The new Sophi hath carried out the plan of the old, to pave the streets and show the haughty Kuromonians he be as civilized as they. So flagstones have been laid down over the dirt and the old cobbles—"

"How comes there to be another new Sophi, after so brief a reign by the previous one? "

"Vurkai died; his nephew, the son of the previous Sophi, succeeded as Dimbakan the Fourth. What dost?"

Kerin dug their roller skates out of his bag and handed Nogiri hers. "We may wish to move swiftly to Klung's. Belinka, pray get word to the balimpawang to expect us."

When the gangplank was hoisted ashore, Kerin and Nogiri rolled down it. Kerin bore their duffel bag slung over his shoulder by a strap. As they reached the waterfront street, Belinka squeaked:

"Master Kerin! They come!"

Some temple guards emerged from a side street and started towards them, shouting: "Halt! Stop! Ye are prisoners!"

"Away!" said Kerin. He and Nogiri skated swiftly off, ignoring stares and exclamations. Waving krises, the guards broke into a run.

"Beware of tripping!" said Kerin. "Oh, oh, look ahead!"

Out of another side street erupted a squad of the Sophi's palace guard. These, also, clattered towards Kerin and Nogiri, shouting: "Halt! Stop! Surrender! Ye are under arrest!"

Kerin drew his sword, saying: "I know not what the Sophi's men want with us, but I doubt they mean us good. Follow close!"

He skated towards the nearest soldier, waving his sword and uttering a bloodcurdling screech. "Way for the fierce barbarian!" he yelled.

Seeing this apparition rushing upon him, the soldier made a tentative swing of his kris. Kerin parried and, as he whizzed past, gave the man a mighty push that tumbled him to the flagstones. He could easily have killed the fellow, but that would have only further complicated matters. Another soldier, unnerved, turned away; Kerin whacked his buttocks with the flat as he flew past.

"Still with me?" he gasped, not daring to look around for fear of tripping.

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