The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad (49 page)

People always ask what I have taken from all my travelling and I always say health and safety. I never used to even bother reading the fire escape on the back of hotel doors
but after staying in some pretty dodgy places I want to know what to do if the worst happens.

After finishing the Bucket List trips, Suzanne wanted to go on safari in Africa. We stayed in the middle of nowhere in a big tent that had no proper zipped entrance, which
meant a lion could easily have walked in. The man in charge said the chances of this happening were slim, but to me that didn’t mean it was impossible, so I made a plan of action just in
case. It involved Suzanne having to get into the small wardrobe at the back of the tent. I made her practise several times, so she could do it as quickly as possible if a lion suddenly appeared.
She wasn’t happy that I used the first half hour of our holiday making her get in and out of a wardrobe like a magician’s assistant, but it meant she was prepared for the worst. I
practised getting under the bed where the lion would struggle to reach me.

In the end no lion ever came in, only bluebottles from a dead hippo that lay outside the tent. A couple of nights into the holiday we could hear some growling. I went out of the tent to see a
pride of eight or nine lions. Normally on holiday you worry about a mosquito in the room, here we were with the cast of
Lion King
sat outside. I called the manager on the walkie-talkie
they had given us. He came down fifteen minutes later and brought some Masai men with him who then stayed by us for the rest of our holiday drinking the bottles of coke from our small fridge. I
didn’t mind though as an empty fridge is another good hiding place.

When Suzanne and I got back from Africa, Ricky was already planning on sending me away again. This time he had sorted someone else to come along with me. Now, if you were to travel around the
world, who would you want to take with you? A close friend who knows you well? Maybe someone who can bring some extra skills to get you through the trip? Well, Ricky had arranged Warwick Davis, the
dwarf actor from
Star Wars
, to come along. That’s good innit?! Edmund Hillary had help from Tenzing Norgay, Ben Fogle had assistance from James Cracknell. I ended up with an Ewok.
Still, it gave me a chance to tick off two more things from the list.

I started the trip with Warwick in Venice as we took on the route that the explorer Marco Polo did. He was keen to have a go on a gondola, me not so much, but we did get in one in the end,
’cos it’s the only way of getting about. Having all that water is a right pain in the arse. I do wonder if it could be sorted if they had their grids cleared. Babies need to learn to
swim before they can walk in Venice. It’s only a good place to live if you’re a mermaid.

Down the back streets it’s less busy but it stinks as the water is more stagnant. Venice has no sewer system; household waste flows into the canals and is washed out into the ocean twice a
day with the tides.

I did this recently with Warwick near the Dolomites in Italy. I was a little bit on edge as the whole thing is kept in the air by a bloke blasting a flame from a gas burner. I
don’t have much luck when it comes to gas boilers so I was worried about being so high up and relying on a giant pilot light to keep me up there.

It’s a good mode of transport as long as you want to go where the wind is going as that dictates your destination.

Warwick said he enjoyed it but I don’t know how and why as he couldn’t see over the edge of the basket so he may as well have been sat in a food hamper in Harrods.

Another mode of transport we used, thanks to Ricky, was a pushbike. Course, I had to do all the pedalling as Warwick couldn’t reach the pedals so sat in a basket on the
front. At least when ET did this, he helped by making the bike fly, whereas Warwick just sat there. I tell you, he might be small, but he’s bloody heavy.

We had our ups and downs but in the end I had a good trip with Warwick. It was nice to have someone to moan at and share the mad experiences that we went through, even though we had different
opinions on what we saw and did, now and again he gave me a new way of looking at things. It made me wonder if I would have appreciated the Seven Wonders more if he had come along with me.

Tick. Done this. And to be honest each one was pretty underwhelming. I remember calling Suzanne from China, the day before I was due to visit the Great Wall, and telling her that I
couldn’t really be doing with the Wonder part of the trips. Suzanne told me that it was supposed to be the icing on the cake, but the trouble with me is that I don’t really enjoy the
icing on a cake. I often pull the icing off and leave it to one side. The icing is just there to get your attention, but I wouldn’t say it is the best bit. And that’s how I feel about
the Wonders – they were the reason I went travelling for six months in 2010, but they were never my favourite bit.

The Great Pyramid of Giza is the biggest pyramid ever built. I think what made the job easier is the fact that when building with cement you need to mix it with sand and
there’s loads of that around the pyramids. I’ve seen the pyramids and they’re in a bit of a state, with most of the render chipped off. This is what happens when you use too much
sand in the mix.

The bloke who did the work didn’t want to be named as he knew he hadn’t done a great job so they just said some geezer had built it. Hence the name The Pyramid of Giza.

I also rode a camel. I can’t be bothered going into detail, but I will never get on one again.