The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad (21 page)

Rodney told me not to worry, as the chances of that happening were slim. I’m sure the chances of having Monster Munch nicked off you by a monkey were slim, but it happened to me.

It wasn’t long before I started to feel seasick. What made it worse was, a woman who worked on the boat let it slip that I would be staying on the boat for two nights, when I thought
we’d be back first thing in the morning. I was shown my room. It was a nice enough room with bunk beds and a little toilet, but it stank of fish. I lay on the bed where the sound of the
chugging engine put me to sleep.

I woke up in the night when the boat took a bit of a bad knock from a wave. We must have been anchored up, as there was no chugging engine. The only sound was coming from the sea sloshing about
outside. I felt sick. My stomach was churning. I went and sat on the toilet. I remember being sick into the sink, as seawater was landing on my back from the open porthole. I was pretty fed up
although apparently I shouldn’t have been. This experience is on the list of things to do before you die. I crawled back into bed. What’s annoying is, I’m putting meself through
this and I might not even see a shark. I sometimes find it hard to find Suzanne in Tesco if she wanders off, so what are the chances of seeing a shark in this vast ocean?

A few hours later I could hear movement on the boat. Friendly chatter between boat crew and film crew. I was in no mood for friendly chat. The smell of fish seemed worse. After lying there for
an hour I thought I best get up, as feeling sorry for myself wasn’t doing much good. I stood up and felt really sick again. I went and saw everyone. Rodney was full of beans. I didn’t
want to seem ungrateful, so I sat and had some toast and scrambled egg. Rodney told me that he worked on the film
Jaws
. He told me how they used a dwarf to play the part of Richard
Dreyfuss in some of the sea scenes, so the real shark looked bigger than it was.

I went out onto the deck to get some fresh air. It was freezing, and the sea was quite choppy. There was no fresh air, as Andrew was already out there chucking in big pieces of tuna the size of
house bricks to attract the sharks.

I was told to get a scuba suit that fitted me. Feeling sick, rocking side to side with the smell of fish in the air while trying to climb into something as tight as your own skin isn’t
easy. I’ve never liked tight clothes. I’ve never understood skin-tight jeans, and this outfit was even tighter, to the point that I couldn’t really stand up straight. I reckon
this is how it would have felt if one of those king cobras had swallowed me.

I sat on the edge of the boat as the cage was lowered down into the sea. I then had to wear a belt of heavy weights to keep me under. Andrew continued to throw out bait. The director, Luke, got
in the cage first with a small camera to film me. I climbed down. The sea was bashing the cage about. I clung on for my life. It was strange to put my head under water while breathing normally. It
was difficult to know where to grab as looking through the glass mask made things seem nearer than they actually were. The only fish I could see were chopped-up tuna chunks floating about.

The pressure on my body made my sickness seem worse. I couldn’t believe I’d travelled to the other side of the world for this. I got out.

Luke got out to find his camera’s protective casing hadn’t worked and the camera was now knackered. It wasn’t going well. I stood in the shower and let warm water into my wet
suit. I read the messages other people had scribbled on the wall of their experiences.

I was a bit confused by Michelle’s message about having a ‘major chubby’ the whole trip. Thought men could only have ‘major chubbies’. Maybe Michelle was a woman
from Thailand. One thing for sure though, I didn’t have a major chubby. The outfit I was wearing would have shown it.

I was brought a hot mug of veg soup while the hot shower warmed me up. This was the happiest I had been since being on the boat. All this just proved I like the simple things in life. Being warm
with a Cup-a-Soup. Isn’t that the best way to be?

The director said he wanted me to give it another go tomorrow, as the weather was going to be calmer, and they had another camera to film with. I had another bowl of soup and then an early
night, so the time would go quicker. I used to do that as a kid at Christmas, so the big day would come sooner. I used to make myself sick with excitement at Christmas, but here I was feeling sick
for a different reason.

Freddie the sound man woke me up in the morning to say we were going for it a second time. Once I was awake he got out pretty quickly. I found it a bit odd. Over breakfast Freddie said he
didn’t know how I could sleep in that room with the smell. I thought everyone’s room had stunk like that. Turned out it was just mine. No wonder I’d been feeling ill. I asked
Andrew about it. He said, ‘Oh, the fridge we put the bait in is above your room and it leaks in through your porthole.’ Typical.

I got ready again and got in the cage. I was determined to get this done, as there was no way I wanted to be forced into another night out at sea. It wasn’t as choppy. The cage
wasn’t rocking as much. I got myself in a corner and waited. Rodney spoke to me in my ears via talkback and calmed me down, then warned me a great white shark was getting close. Then there it
was. Not a sound. It drifted past like a ghost. It was massive. Like a three-piece suite with teeth. Its eyes looked dead. Sort of a bored expression, as if scanning biscuits in a supermarket
aisle, looking for Custard Creams. Rodney said a large female was close by. He wasn’t kidding.

The female was huge. It was an odd feeling being so close to something that could rip me apart. The last time I had this feeling was when I was on jury duty and was stood facing a lunatic that
was just a metre away.

For some reason I remember reading somewhere that if sharks attack they don’t like being punched on the nose. Weird how the brain remembers certain things. I have no other skills on how to
tackle any animals, like how to get a bear in a headlock or drop-kick an otter.

I was down there for 45 minutes and although I never felt completely relaxed, now that I’m safely back on dry land I can say that it was an amazing experience. We even managed to see
dolphins on the way back to harbour.