Read The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad Online
Authors: Karl Pilkington
Tags: #General, #humor
The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad (46 page)
I was fine with meeting a Zen Buddhist.
Odd one, that. If he wanted to meet me, too, then I’m up for it, but if he’s just doing it out of politeness I don’t see the point, and, as nice as he is,
surely it must get on his tits having to meet strangers all the time. It’s like playing the part of Santa in a grotto but all year round. People say they’d like to ask him
questions, but we have Citizens Advice Bureaux for that. He seems easier to meet than my bank manager.
After looking up why people want to meet him I also read that the Dalai Lama was found by Tibetan monks when he was two years old. The monks tested him to see if he was the reincarnation of
the thirteenth Dalai Lama. He passed the tests, and had physical traits that the monks were looking for, such as moles in certain places and long ears. That was an easy job interview for him,
wasn’t it? You need more qualifications to be a lollipop man. Has anyone else ever said they fell into a job due to the length of their ears? What else did he do, try on a glass slipper?
He took the throne at age four and became a monk at age six. I was just joining the Desperate Dan fan club at that age, and yet here he was trying to find enlightenment.
I think it’s mainly other monks who look up to him and ask questions like ‘What’s the meaning of life?’ and ‘What are we here for?’ because monks
aren’t allowed access to the internet. He’s basically Google with long ears. The thing is, I reckon if I’d been taken at the age of six and had been protected from the
day-to-day shite life throws at you I would be able to come up with answers. He can do it, because I bet he’s not once been put on hold by his internet provider or had to sort car
insurance or try and pay for parking using the new park and phone service.
I got to the temple where I was to meet the Zen Buddhist. I put on some slippers and met Matsuama, who gave me some Buddhist clothes to change into. I’ve always thought of myself as a bit
of a Buddhist. I try not to upset anyone and I never kill anything, I save any insects from swimming pools when I’m on holiday, I like peace and quiet . . . and I’ve got a bald head.
The clothes were my bag, as well: grey in colour, loose and roomy, and decent pockets. They were like pyjamas. Plus, with the slippers on, it was a look you normally have to be in hospital to get
away with. I got a quick tour of the temple. Smart place with a relaxing atmosphere. Paper walls dividing the big space, spotless wooden floors and bells dotted about. The place was immaculate and
minimalist. If Matsuama was to sell up and move, he could do it with one carrier bag.
I’d only been there a few minutes and thought this was the religion for me. It’s like how they say when you walk into a house when house hunting, you know if it’s the one. That
soon changed though. I was expecting quite a relaxing morning, maybe doing some meditating, but that was not to be the case. He had me mopping the wooden floor within ten minutes of meeting me.
Now, I’d been in Japan long enough to know that no floor needs mopping. No dirty shoe ever touches the floor. Even if they were to leave their house to go food shopping and then remembered
they had forgot their bag for life and had to nip back in, they would still take their shoes off.
He handed me a wet rag from a bucket and showed me how to hold the rag and run along the floor in a straight line as if pushing a tiny moist go-kart.
MATSUAMA
: Mopping, cleaning is the most important training in the temple.
KARL
: I thought we would be sort of relaxing, meditating.
MATSUAMA
: Oh.
KARL
: I’ve just turned up and you’re saying get the mopping done!
MATSUAMA
: I’m sorry, but the main purpose is to keep cleaning.
KARL
: Alright, when was this last cleaned?
MATSUAMA
: Erm, this morning.
KARL
: Well, why are we doing it again? What’s the point in that if it’s already done? Our kitchen floor only gets cleaned every other
week, and I walk about in there with my shoes on!
MATSUAMA
: To clean the floor is important. But to practise cleaning is more important for us. See it as kind of training.
KARL
: What do you think about?
MATSUAMA
: Nothing. I become the mop.
KARL
: How do you become a mop?
MATSUAMA
: You have to imagine that you yourself are mopping the floor, you run and you clean.
KARL
: Right. Become the mop.
MATSUAMA
: You’re the mop.
KARL
: I think me mam had higher hopes for me, to be honest.
MATSUAMA
: So, errmm, just imagine, say, a football player. If you’re very good at football, like Rooney
KARL
: Rooney. OK.
MATSUAMA
: If he can kick the ball with each foot, he practise every day, so it is something like that.
KARL
: But I understand doing this if you’re a cleaner, because practice makes perfect.
MATSUAMA
: Yeah.
KARL
: And Rooney, kicking a football, because he’s a footballer. I’m trying to get my head around what I’m meant to achieve from
this. When I am cleaning this floor, what am I meant to be thinking?
MATSUAMA
: Nothing.
KARL
: Absolutely nothing?
MATSUAMA
: Nothing.
Buddhists believe in reincarnation. I think I know what Matsuama wants to be coming back as. I agree that we have taken away things in our lives that gave us time to think – like washing
up and ironing, not shirts though, they’re hard to do. Tea towels are good – and mopping is a good job for thinking, but not when doing it with a cloth. I got a right sweat on. I
couldn’t clear my mind and think of nothing, I was just thinking, why doesn’t he have a proper mop? We’re in the land of the robot yet no mop! Isn’t it the Buddhists’
mission to free Tibet? If they’d get some proper mops in, they’d have more time to focus on that.
After an hour’s worth of mopping he had me raking his gravel garden. I thought this would be easy, but he wanted the lines perfect, so he kept redoing the areas I’d already done.
Thank God he has a bald head, otherwise he’d spend half the day getting his parting in a straight line.
Matsuama then introduced me to a Buddhist puzzle:
MATSUAMA
: OK, so I would like to introduce the way of thinking of some Buddhism. Please tell me, how many stars in the sky?
KARL
: Lots.
MATSUAMA
: Lots.
KARL
: Yeah.
MATSUAMA
: But there is one single Zen answer to this question. So, please think about it. A lot is not the right answer in Zen.
KARL
: Erm, as many as you can see with your eyes. That’s good?
MATSUAMA
: Closer.
KARL
: How many stars in the sky. Oh, hang on, day or night?
MATSUAMA
: Of course night.
KARL
: I thought it was a trick question. Erm, let me think. I do like puzzles. Is the answer a number, is it a number? Is that what you want from
me?
MATSUAMA
: Yeah, a number. Please tell me the number. How many?
KARL
: Well, I have read it, but I can’t remember the answer. It’s millions, it’s trillions, isn’t it? It’s loads. Go
on then, what’s the answer?
MATSUAMA
: The answer, as you say, the scientific answer is the trillion, billion. The Zen answer is just count one, two, three, four, five and so
on.
KARL
: What do you mean?
MATSUAMA
: So, the purpose to answer this question is to just do it, start counting, right.
KARL
: I don’t know what you mean.
MATSUAMA
: So, of course, there are lots of stars in the sky. But, if you don’t start counting you never know, so just count. Start something
is very important.
KARL
: Surely though, you get one life, yeah . . . Who would want to do that? Say I’m going to dedicate my life to counting stars, then it
becomes daylight, how do you know where to start again? It’s impossible.
MATSUAMA
: Yes, as you say, I am sure that it’s impossible. But it is kind of an illustration, just example. Stars is example. In your
everyday life, you have some problems. You think it’s impossible, or out of the question, and . . .
KARL
: So, you’re saying, if you have a problem deal with it?
MATSUAMA
: Yes, just go forward. I wanted to say that point.
KARL
: Honestly, if you’d just said deal with your problems, I would have understood that, but the stars thing . . .
MATSUAMA
: So, sometimes we think the problem is too much, and the job is too much. So, it is example. So, if you have very big jobs or works to
do, sometimes we give up before we do anything, right? So I want to say that.
KARL
: I understand that, people can do it, but they don’t even try. They give up. That what you mean?
MATSUAMA
: Yes, just try.