The Exception to the Rule (30 page)

I woke up early from a horrible night’s sleep, immediately calling the hospital to check on Matty. The nurse informed me that he had had a very good night and was still sleeping. I wanted more than anything to be there with him today. I just had to get through a few hours of work until I could be by his side. I was happy when I received a text from Julian telling me that he was there with him and even happier to hear that Matty was eating his breakfast.

I made it through my very short work day, wasting no time getting to the hospital. I entered Matty’s room, finding him looking terrified as he vomited uncontrollably. I immediately panicked seeing him this way, wanting desperately to help him. Julian remained completely composed, rubbing his back trying to calm him down. Matty looked weak and pale, crying even harder upon seeing me in the doorway. It took every ounce of energy that I had not to cry myself. I knew that I had to stay strong for him. I ignored the burning in my eyes and held the tears back.

“I’m all dirty,” he sobbed.

“That’s okay, sweetie, we’ll have you cleaned up in no time,” the nurse said.

Julian wiped off Matty’s face with a damp cloth as the tears streamed from Matty’s eyes. “Now my favorite pajamas are ruined,” he said in between sobs.

It amazed me how the mind of a child worked. With everything going on his worst fear was that his pajamas were dirty. “No, they’re not; I’ll take them home and wash them right away for you,” I said, rinsing them off in the sink.

“Matty, how about if you take a nice shower to get cleaned up?” the nurse asked.

“I don’t know how to take a shower; I take baths,” he said sweetly.

“Oh well, then how about if I help you?” she said just as sweetly.

He looked at me for approval. I nodded as he walked into the bathroom dragging his IV pole along with him.

I went through his bag to get him clean clothes, looking at Julian sadly.

“It’s going to happen,” he said. “That’s one of the biggest side effects.”

“I know,”’ I replied.

“You’re a doctor—you should be used to this,” he said nonchalantly.

“Yes, I am a doctor but I’m Matty’s mom first and it takes on a whole different perspective when it’s your own child that you’re watching suffer. Maybe you would realize that if you stopped treating him as one of your cases and more like your son.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” he asked.

“Don’t you see; this isn’t one of your patients - this is your child? Perhaps you should stop thinking a little less like a doctor and more like a father.” I realized that I was sounding a little harsher than I intended.

“Well forgive me Kat if I don’t have this whole parenting thing down as well as you. I’ve only had a few weeks’ experience as opposed to your five years.”

“Are you going to hold that over my head for the rest of my life?” I asked.

“I don’t know – are you going to stop acting like it’s my fault that you’ve been raising him alone for the past five years?”

“Well, isn’t it, in a way?” I snapped back.

“Okay Kat – I can’t wait to hear this one. How the hell is it my fault?”

“Oh don’t you remember – your career came first. You left me no choice, Julian.”

He shook his head in disgust as he moved closer to me and his voice became harsher. “You always had a choice; you could have picked up the phone at any time and told me and I would have been there for him in a minute. Don’t blame me because you wanted to play the victim. I don’t walk away from my responsibilities – when I know they exist.”

“I wanted to play the victim? Are you kidding me? You have no idea what I went through or how I felt. You think that I actually wanted to raise my son alone without his father?” I realized my voice was growing louder and I was hoping that Matty didn’t hear me while he was in the shower.

“Then why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.

I looked away, suddenly my strong demeanor was disappearing. “Because I wanted you to want to be with us, not because you felt like you had to.” I said finally meeting his gaze.

He was silent as he stared at me intently before exiting the room. I heard the shower turn off in the bathroom and knew that Matty would soon be coming out. I tried my best to pull it together.

I sighed deeply. The last thing I wanted to do was to strike up a fight with him. I just wanted him to see things differently instead of his black-and-white way of thinking. But this was his livelihood; what he had trained for most of his life, to cure cancer. He didn’t have any experience with being a father. Just a few weeks ago he didn’t even know he had a son. Deep down inside I knew he was right, I had to try to pull it together a little better for Matty’s sake but I would never be able to see Matty as just another patient – he was my reason for living, my whole world, and for feeling that way, I would never feel guilty.

* * * * *

Thankfully the week was over and so was the first round of treatments. Julian had gone back to Chicago. It had been just me with Matty for the past few days. I was very impressed with myself in dealing with his bouts of nausea, which made me realize that I was a lot stronger than I had thought, where Matty was concerned.

We checked out of the hospital and headed home. Claire was over, stocking up my freezer. She had cooked enough dinners to get me through the next week. She also bought a couple boxes of ice pops to help with Matty’s mouth sores that he had contracted; another side effect from the chemo.

“Welcome home!” Claire hugged him and handed him a bag containing one of the new action figures that he had wanted.

“Thank you,” he said, smiling.

“You are very welcome.”

He slowly made his way into his bedroom to add it to his collection.

We sat down for a cup of coffee. She told me that Charles had wanted to come see him but was just getting over a bad cold. Matty’s immune system was weakened and he couldn’t take a chance of picking up any germs.

I went into Matty’s room to check on him and he was fast asleep on his bed. I covered him up, placing his teddy bear next to him.

“He’s sound asleep,” I said to Claire as she prepared to leave.

“Well maybe you should go take a nap too; you look exhausted,” she said.

I walked her to the door and watched her drive away. I stood in the kitchen not knowing what to do next. The ringing from inside my purse startled me when I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Julian.

“Hey,” I answered.

“How’s Matty?” He got right to the point.

“He’s fine; he’s sleeping now. He’s dealing with some mouth sores but he’s toughing it out,” I said.

“Just make sure you keep on him about washing his hands and don’t let that dog around him.”

Here we go again,
I thought to myself. “Yes - I know.”

“Is he still vomiting?”

“Yes, but not as much.”

“Well, just have him eat smaller, more frequent meals with more protein and fats, not all of that junk that you allow him to eat.”

I wanted to scream, but I tried my best to stay calm. “Okay, Julian.”

I heard a women’s voice in the background. “Julian, are you ready?”

“I’ll be right there,” he responded. “Kat, I have to run, are you going to be okay with everything?” he asked.

“Yes I’m fine; I’m a doctor, remember? Go lecture your girlfriend there with your medical advice.” I knew I was sounding catty but I was beyond annoyed with him at this point.

“What?” he laughed. “That’s not my girlfriend, she’s –”

I cut him off and did my best to mimic him. “Look, Julian, I really don’t care who you date, just as long as you don’t introduce her to Matty. You wouldn’t want him to become attached to someone who’s not going to be in his life permanently.”

“You are incorrigible,” he said.

“I’m incorrigible! Oh, so it’s okay for you to make assumptions but – ”

“Goodbye, Kat.” I could hear a little laughter in his voice as if he were amused by the rise the he had gotten out of me.

“Ugh!” I screamed as I tossed my cell phone back into my purse. I hated when he did that. Every time he would get my blood boiling, he would just walk away or hang up the phone calmly.

I knew that I was probably just being overly sensitive because I was so tired. Maybe Claire was right; maybe I should try to take a nap. I had no idea what kind of night Matty would have on his first night home, so I should be prepared with at least a little rest. I went into my bedroom to lie down and tossed and turned, unable to relax. I finally gave up after about twenty minutes and a million thoughts running through my mind.

I decided to opt for plan B instead, which was more coffee. I walked past Matty’s room and peeked in on him. He looked so peaceful. I went into his bedroom, slipping under his blanket, curling up with him. I felt a wave of calmness overcome me as I laid there with him, listening to him breathe. I loved that Julian was in his life now. I loved it even more how much Matty had taken to him. But the selfish side of me missed my one-on-one time with my little boy. I closed my eyes, hugging him tightly, finally able to relax a bit.

Chapter 31

Matty was done with his third round of treatments and it had finally taken its toll on him. He looked like a cancer patient now. His already thin body was emaciated, he was pale with huge dark circles under his eyes, and his hair was completely gone. I had been working one day a week, but decided to take a complete leave of absence. There was just no possible way I could mentally have my mind at work. He had a few infections in between treatments that scared me a great deal. I knew that the worst was yet to come with the bone marrow transplant, scheduled in three days.

He was getting depressed because he was allowed only limited contact with anyone. His immune system was at its weakest and they wanted to prevent him from contracting any germs, which meant he wasn’t able to see Charles, Claire, Tricia, or James. I completely understood but he was having a very hard time with it. 

Julian was flying in tonight and had taken some time off as well. He was going in for the donation process the day before Matty  would receive the transplant. This was the step in this whole scary journey that terrified me the most. I knew everything that could go wrong with a bone marrow transplant and the pain that the recipient goes through. 

It was Christmas Eve and I was trying to make it just as special as Christmases past. It was upsetting for Matty to not have the usual people around as in previous years. But having Julian here and spending their first Christmas together would also mean a lot to him as well. I had to do most of my shopping online. I hadn’t been able to get out much due to the circumstances. I made sure that Santa left the same amount of toys that he did every year. I got Julian a watch from Matty, which he excitedly picked all on his own as we shopped online.

Matty was in his pajamas anxiously awaiting Santa and Julian. We were watching TV and sipping hot chocolate when Julian arrived, with a bagful of presents.

“Wow!” Matty responded as he greeted him at the door seeing all of the presents.

“Santa came to Chicago already and told me to make sure that these got to you,” Julian said, smiling. 

“Mommy, look!” Matty exclaimed.

“You must have been a really good boy this year.” I smiled at Matty’s enthusiasm.

“Is it raining out?” I asked Julian, noticing his hair and coat were wet.

“It’s snowing,” he replied. 

 I walked over to the window and looked up at the full moon. There was a blanket of snow already on the ground as the snow continued to fall. I imagined what a picture perfect Christmas Eve this would have been if only Matty weren’t sick.

“Snow!” Matty exclaimed as he looked out the window.

“Tomorrow can we build a snowman, please?” he asked Julian.

 Julian looked at him sadly. “You know what, that isn’t very good snow for a snowman, why don’t you open up your presents?”

He slowly began to open the presents. He normally would rip through each one in no time. This year he just seemed to be missing the whole spark that he had at Christmas, making me very sad. He had finally gotten through the last one, trying to figure out which toy to play with first.

“Hey Matty, I think that Santa dropped off a present for your mom too,” Julian said as he pointed to a smaller wrapped box under the tree.

Matty quickly got up to retrieve the box, handing it to me. I was totally shocked, not at all expecting a gift from Julian. I opened it up revealing a beautiful gold bracelet. I immediately put in on my wrist, and it was a perfect fit.

“Thank you,” I said.

“Mommy, why are you thanking him? Santa brought it, silly,” Matty said.

“Oh, that’s right, thank you to Santa.” I looked at Julian as he smiled.

Matty was so excited, he whispered in my ear asking if he could give Julian his present. I told him where it was as he went off to get it.

I waited until he was out of earshot. “Thank you. It’s really beautiful, you didn’t have to…” I was cut off by Matty, who quickly returned with Julian’s gift.

“This is from me,” he said proudly. “I picked it out all by myself, but Mommy had to pay for it because I don’t have money.” 

Julian and I both laughed.

He opened it up slowly. “Wow, this is cool.”

Matty smiled from ear to ear. “Mommy says its waterprood.”

“Waterproof,” I corrected him.

He continued on, not missing a beat, “so next time we go fishing you can wear it and get it wet.”

“This is the best present ever, Matty.” Julian picked him up and put him on his lap. He gave him a hug and kiss. I grabbed my camera and took a picture of the two of them. I stared at the picture on my camera screen. It didn’t even look like my Matty. The only things that I recognized were his beautiful blue eyes. That was the one thing that these treatments couldn’t take away from him. He looked truly happy in the picture and I took comfort in that.

Matty gasped as if he had forgotten something. “We have really good cookies that my mommy made; I’ll get you some,” he said, jumping down off Julian’s lap. He headed off to the kitchen to grab some.