“I really appreciate you taking the time to meet me,” I said, sounding very business-like.
“No problem, Kat; actually it was a really nice surprise seeing you. You want to go in?” he said, opening the door for me.
We walked into the coffee shop that looked more like a library. It was two stories and there were shelves of books lining the walls as people sat drinking coffee absorbed in their reading or on their laptops. The smell of freshly brewed coffee and freshly baked desserts hit me in the face immediately upon walking through the door. I looked at the huge fireplace that took up one of the walls. I began to picture this place in the winter thinking that it must be a nice cozy spot.
We sat at a small table which was thankfully out of the way. “Sorry for making you wait; I just had some catching up to do. I had just taken a few days off to spend with my sister and niece who were here visiting.” His sister and his niece. I instantly became mad at myself for thinking all of the mean things that I had about him last night. I looked at him dumbfounded - he didn’t have a family after all.
“So what have you been up to?” he asked, staring intently into my eyes.
Let’s see—working, and raising our son for the past five years. “Nothing special,” was all I could muster.
“Did you ever get married?” he asked, getting right to the point. I shook my head no, giving him an uneasy smile.
“What about you?” I asked, making sure that I had been wrong in my callous assumption that I had made about him last night.
He began to laugh, as if I were ridiculous for asking such a question. “I barely have time to sleep, let alone maintain a relationship.” He leaned back in his chair with his hands intertwined behind his head, assessing me up and down, so much like that first day I had met him. “You look great, Kat.”
“Thanks,” I whispered.
I sat nervously, too uptight to make conversation with him. I knew that he sensed my edginess. I was always able to talk his ear off, but today, given the circumstances, I felt like I couldn’t get any words out, even though there were a lot that had to be said.
“So how’s work?” he asked, trying to make small talk.
“Fine,” I answered shortly.
He nodded as if running out of things to say. I sat nervously twirling my hair around my finger, finally catching myself and stopping.
“How’s James doing?” he asked.
“He’s doing well. He and Tricia are engaged now,” I said, trying to add more to the conversation.
“Yes, I knew that. I haven’t talked to him in a while. I owe him a phone call.”
“So you’re Chief of Oncology now?”
He nodded.
“Well congratulations, I always knew you were destined for great things.”
He gave me a warm smile. “So what did you need to talk to me about?”
“Bone marrow transplants,” I said abruptly.
He seemed to be caught off-guard by my brusqueness. “What?” he chuckled.
“What do you know about bone marrow transplants?” Stupid—what are you saying? He’s an oncologist; of course he knows a lot about bone marrow transplants.
He explained to me what I already knew, but I sat listening as if I were clueless. “This is pretty common knowledge that you learn in medical school,” he said, as if he wasn’t buying into my naïve act.
“Yes, I know, I just wanted to get your advice, since you are one of the top doctors in your field.”
“So you came almost one thousand miles just to ask me that? I’m sure you have doctors just as versed as me and a lot closer. That must be some special patient.”
I felt like I was frozen and my stomach dropped. “It is,” I said, biting my bottom lip and taking a deep breath. There was a brief moment of silence. “It’s my son.” I paused for a moment as he looked at me compassionately. “It’s our son,” I continued, feeling the blood rush out of my face with those words.
“What?” His eyes widened and his face showed pure confusion. He stared at me, speechless. I looked at him as my eyes filled with tears. There was a tormenting brief moment of silence. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked with an edge to his voice.
“Because you made it clear to me what you wanted out of life and that didn’t include a child,” I said, not able to get the words out quickly enough.
The waitress came over to take our order. “Not now!” he snapped. I looked at her apologetically.
He sat silently staring into space. I was wishing that he would say something so I could gauge how he was feeling. I pulled my wallet from my purse and took out Matty’s preschool picture. I placed it down in front of him, in case there was any doubt in his mind.
“His name is Matty, he’s five-years-old, he’s a great kid, and he has leukemia.” I could feel my voice starting to crack with emotion. I had basically summed up everything that I wanted to tell him. I watched as he picked up the picture and stared at it intently. I could see the amazement on his face and I was sure it was over just how much Matty resembled him. “Almost like looking in the mirror, isn’t it?” I asked, finally breaking the silence. He was unable to answer. His eyes were fixated on the picture. He finally lifted his head. I could tell that he was getting emotional by the look in his eyes.
“I know that I was wrong to have kept this from you, but what would you have done if I told you back then?”
“I would have taken responsibility for my son,” he answered quickly.
“I’m sorry, but I did the wrong thing for the right reasons,” I said.
“What were those reasons? Can you please tell me what your reasons were for keeping my son from me for the past five years?” he asked sharply.
I wasn’t sure what was worse—the anger in his voice or the sadness in his eyes. I looked around to see a few people noticing what was transpiring. “You left and we never spoke again because you didn’t want kids, do you remember that?” I asked, trying to lower my voice.
“Really? So you felt that gave you the right to do this?” he asked. “What, were you trying to punish me for not wanting what you wanted?”
“No, that’s not at all what I was trying to do!”
He shook his head as he looked away. “I can’t believe that you just assumed I wouldn’t want to be in his life.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to feel trapped into something you didn’t want,” I replied.
“I missed out on five years of my son’s life because you actually thought that’s what I wanted. Why didn’t it ever occur to you to ask me what I wanted? Would I have ever known if he hadn’t gotten sick?”
I looked away knowing that he was right - I wouldn’t be here now if Matty weren’t sick. He shook his head in disbelief, making me feel as if I had to defend my actions.
“Right before I found out I was pregnant I was planning on calling you to tell you that I would go to Germany. I was willing to up-root my whole life, forgo everything that I wanted just to be with you. Once I found out that I was pregnant that changed everything. There were days that I had wished that you would have called to tell me that you would be willing to rethink your plan for me, but you didn’t.” I was looking for some softness in his eyes - but there was none.
“You told me not to,” he said defensively.
“Exactly. I thought I knew what you wanted and you thought you knew what I wanted,” I said, a little more calmly.
“You had no right to just assume what I wanted,” he said with disgust.
“I know that I was wrong and you can hate me if you want to,” I said with tears streaming down my face. “But Matty needs you now. Please, Julian, I’m begging you.”
He didn’t reply and just stared at me coldly, which upset me even more. “I came here to ask you if you would be willing to be tested to see if you’re a match and to oversee his medical treatment.” I grabbed a napkin from the table and wiped my eyes. “I want you to be part of his life; to be his father. I want you to fall in love with him the same way I have.” He was unresponsive, unable to look at me.
I quickly pulled out Dr. Fowler’s business card, which had my cell phone number written on the back, and handed it to him. He snatched it from my hand and glared at me with an unfamiliar look in his eyes. He got up from the table without saying a word and abruptly walked out the door.
I was unsure of what to do. Part of me wanted to go running after him and beg him. I sat there for a few moments, trying to get myself together. I wished that he would come back through the door and tell me that he forgave me. I realized that this wasn’t going to happen, so I composed myself as best I could. The secret that I had harbored for all these years was finally out, and it was bittersweet.
Chapter 26
I arrived home as planned - just in time to tuck Matty into bed. The look on his face as I walked through the door was priceless.
We spent my last day off together. We walked up to the bay and had a picnic lunch. I tried not to think that tomorrow would have been his first day of school. I had emailed the principal making her aware of the circumstances. I was very appreciative of her email back, telling me if there was anything that the school community could do to help out to please let her know, and that she looked forward to welcoming Matty as a kindergartener next year.
We went back to the house to have some burgers on the grill for dinner. I was able to relax a little by taking in the sun and watching Matty play with his dump trucks in the backyard. It was the perfect day.
Before I knew it, Tuesday was here and I was back to the same old routine of working. I felt bad, putting a heavier burden on Charles and Claire. With Matty no longer attending preschool and Samantha back at college full-time, I had no one else to watch him. I knew that they didn’t mind one bit. It was only for another few weeks. Soon Matty would be spending most of his days in the hospital.
I stopped at the hospital to do my rounds quickly before heading into the office. I was trying to stay focused as best as I could. I couldn’t stop thinking of Julian. I was hoping that I would have heard from him once he had cooled down, but I didn’t. I had no clue if he had any intention of even calling Dr. Fowler or seeing if he were a match for Matty. I had replayed that day at the coffee shop over and over in my head trying to think of how I could have done things differently. I came to the realization that there wasn’t any good way that I could have broken the news to him, no matter how hard I had tried. I had no choice but to just go forward with Dr. Fowler’s recommendations for Matty. I was praying that I or some random stranger would be a match for the marrow transplant.
“Well if this isn’t a coincidence,” Dr. Fowler said as I literally walked right into him coming off of the elevator. “I was going to call you as soon as I was done here. Do you have a minute now?” he asked.
I nodded. We went into one of the empty rooms. He sat down on the bed with a serious look in his eyes, while I remained standing. I hoped there wasn’t more bad news from Matty’s test results.
“I received a message yesterday from Dr. Kiron regarding Matty,” he said as if he were confused.
“You did?” I asked, sounding somewhat surprised and relieved.
“I had no idea that the two of you even knew one another,” he said, raising his eyebrows.
“Jul—I mean Dr. Kiron and I know one another from years ago, when we were in Nigeria together.”
“I understand you wanting to get a second opinion, but there are other doctors who are much closer.”
“I know.” I said as I looked out the window.
“Well then why would you make Dr. Kiron travel out here to see Matty?” he asked. “I mean don’t get me wrong, he is probably one of the most brilliant oncologists in the country, but I can assure you of what he is going to tell you.”
“Because that’s not the only reason that I contacted him.”
“Oh, then I don’t understand.” He arched his eyebrows.
“He’s Matty’s father,” I said, this time looking right into his eyes.
“Oh,” he said, surprised. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to pry.”
“No it’s okay, you would have found out soon enough,” I said, trying to put him at ease.
“Well Matty has another good shot at finding a match then – this is great news,” he said.
He stood up and asked how Matty was doing. I told him that the fevers had finally subsided but he was still not himself. We walked out of the room together. He told me that he would let me know the outcome after he had spoken with Julian.
I headed to my office, preparing myself for my first patient. Tricia popped her head in to get an update on Matty. I filled her in on my conversation with Dr. Fowler and expressed to her how anxious I was becoming to just get this underway now. The sooner Matty started treatments, the sooner he could put this behind him.
I was finally finishing up for the day, returning phone calls and catching up on some paperwork. I was deep in thought and nearly jumped out of my skin when my cell phone rang. I did not recognize the number on the caller ID.
“Hello,” I answered.
“Kat, its Julian.”
I began to feel the same familiar butterflies in my stomach at the sound of his voice.
“Hi,” I responded.
He was short and emotionless as he spoke. “I’ll have Matty’s records tomorrow to review. I’ll be flying out there on Thursday—are you free on Thursday afternoon to meet with Dr. Fowler?”
“Of course,” I answered.
I could feel the ice coming through the phone. He didn’t even say goodbye as he hung up. I knew I deserved everything I was getting but a small part of me wondered - would he ever forgive me?
* * * * *
I tried to remain focused for the next couple of days. I had gone for my blood test and was anxiously awaiting the results to see if I was a match for Matty. Matty had begun to run his low grade fevers on and off again over the past few days, again making me nervous and just wanting to get everything underway even more.
I was running a little late with my last appointment and realized I had just enough time to make it to Dr. Fowler’s office at our scheduled time. I jumped into my car and drove a lot faster than I should have. “Damn,” I shouted by the time I had hit the third red light. I made it into the parking lot ten minutes late and hurriedly made my way in. There was no one in the waiting room, just the front desk receptionist. She took me back to Dr. Fowler’s conference room where Dr. Fowler, Julian, and another, much younger, doctor were already seated and deep in conversation. Both Dr. Fowler and the younger doctor stood up as I entered. Julian remained seated, not even acknowledging my presence. I apologized for running late. Dr. Fowler introduced me to Dr. Devin, the younger doctor. I took the only available seat, which happened to be next to Julian. I could tell that he was purposely going out of his way to ignore me.