The Escape Collection: (The Escape Collection) (74 page)

I pushed up from my chair and took her in my arms. It was my turn to offer comfort. I held her while she exhausted her tears. “I know,” I said. “And it’s okay. We’ll be here to help.”

“Oh, Becca,” Connie said and pulled away. “I feel terrible. I shouldn’t have dumped this on you right now.” She wiped at her tears and all at once was the strong and in-control woman I’d always known. “You have enough to take care of right now. Don’t even give this one more thought until Jordan is out of the hospital.”

“Connie, it’s—”

“Nonsense.” She stood from the table. “You just leave Kayla here for the night. She’s asleep and comfortable. You can get her in the morning,” she said. “Besides, I’m sure you have something you need to take care of tonight.” She looked at me knowingly, but before I could say anything, she added, “You don’t need to tell me the details.” She waved her hand in the air. “Just tell me that you’re okay. I need to know that you’re okay now.”

I nodded and smiled at her intensity. “I’m fine now, Connie. I swear.” She tilted her head and narrowed her eyes. “Well,” I added, “I will be.” I laughed. “I promise. I know now what I need to do.”

For a second she didn’t say anything, and just when I thought I’d have to try harder to convince her, she straightened and smiled. “I knew it. You’re a strong woman, Becca. Even if you don’t always see it. And you can have it all. You just need to decide what that looks like for you.”
 

She walked me to the door, where I gave her another hug.
 

“You can do this,” she said. “Be true to you and everything else will fall into place.” I didn’t have to ask what she was talking about.
 

Her words replayed in my head as I navigated the car through the familiar streets towards home and my husband.

***

The house looked bigger somehow. I pulled into the driveway and went in the front. The door was unlocked, as I knew it would be. Only one lamp burned in the living room. Jon sat, head slumped in his hand, fast asleep. I sat in the chair across from him and watched him for a minute. Even in his sleep, he looked troubled. His hair was still wet from his shower, but the worry etched into his face, combined with the stubble that was beginning to turn into the makings of a beard on his chin, made him look much older than he was. I didn’t want to wake him from his much-needed sleep, but I needed to talk to him. It couldn’t wait any longer.
 

I stood and went to him. Kneeling in front of him, I put my hand lightly on his knee. The gentle touch woke him. He didn’t startle. Jon opened his eyes slowly and a slow, sad smile worked across his face.
 

“You’re home,” he said.
 

I nodded and sat on the chair across from him.

Jon shook his head, clearing it of sleep, and focused on me. “Jordan? Is she—”

“She’s fine,” I said before he could panic. “She woke up, but she’s sleeping again. The doctor said she would be fine.”

He sat back in his seat. “I knew she’d wake up for you. She wanted to see you.”

I laughed. “She never wants to see me,” I said. “A teenage girl never wants her mother.”

“That’s not true. She’s asked about you every day since you left.”

“She has?”
 

“Of course she has, Becca.” Jon ran his hands through his hair, making it stand out at odd angles. “You’re her mother. She missed you.”

“Point taken.” I pulled my legs up and hugged them tight to my chest.
 

“You look good,” Jon said. “Different. But good.”

“Thanks. They’re not my clothes.” I smoothed the skirt over my knees.

“I figured.” Jon let out a tight, controlled laugh.
 

It wasn’t much, but I took it as a sign that he was open to talking things through. I took a deep breath, and said, “A lot has happened.”

He nodded. “And, I’m not going to like what you have to say, am I?”

I looked away. I wouldn’t lie to him.

“That’s what I thought,” Jon said without malice. “So, this is it then?”

My stomach flipped. I didn’t want to think about our marriage being over, but I knew it was a very real possibility, once he learned the truth. I had to accept that.
 

I swallowed my fear. “I’m not going to apologize for leaving. I needed to do it. I admit it wasn’t the best way to handle things.” I watched Jon try to smile as he agreed with me. “But I didn’t know what else to do,” I said. “I was lost, totally numb and completely confused about who I was or what I wanted. And then I found Rainbow Valley and Sheena.”

“Dylan tried to tell me about her,” he said. “But I still don’t understand it all.”

“Neither do I,” I said with a little laugh. “But she’s my mother. Sheena used to be just like me.” I absorbed that. We were very much alike, but very different, too. I needed to remember that. “She ran away from us when I was little, just like I did.”

“But you—”

“I came back.”

“Because of Jordan?” he asked. I could see the hurt in his eyes but I didn’t look away again. I needed to feel it.
 

“Of course,” I admitted. “I couldn’t sit there while my baby was in the hospital.” He looked at his feet. “But it was more than that. I would have come home anyway. It took a bit, but I realized what I should have known years ago.” I waited until he met my gaze again. “For so long, I’ve been caught up in what I thought I should be. But I totally forgot about who I was. Now I know that the person I should be is me. I’ve been going through the motions for so long, that I didn’t even remember who Becca really was or is. Up until a few days ago, I couldn’t tell you what I was feeling at all. I was numb.”

“And now?”

His eyes were tired and full of sadness. But when he looked at me, I could still see the love he held for me. After everything, there was still love. “Now I know more. And I know that I have a lot more work to do on myself. I started painting again.”

Jon’s face lit up. “You did? That’s excellent.”

“It is. It feels so good and it’s not too bad.”

“I bet it’s amazing,” he said. “You’re good at everything you do.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is, Becca. I know there’ve been some hard times, and I agree with you that the Becca I knew years ago has kind of been in hiding for a while. But even through it all, you’ve always been a great wife and a fantastic mother.”

“Now I know you’re lying to me.” I grabbed the hem of my skirt between my thumb and forefinger. “I’m not a good mother. And I haven’t been a very good wife lately, either.”

“What do you mean?” I didn’t answer right away and I could see it in his eyes when he realized the truth of what I wasn’t saying. He made a sound that was a painful combination of a laugh and a cry. “Becca?”

“I’m sorry, Jon,” I said softly. “It wasn’t about you. It was about me. I thought it was over. I thought it was all over. This,” I said with a gesture around the house. “Us. Everything. It doesn’t make it okay. But I was totally lost. You’d told me you wanted to separate, I thought the girls hated me, I was failing at everything, and then Jason—”

“Don’t,” he interrupted. “Don’t tell me his name.”
 

I resisted the urge to look away from his anger. “I’m sorry,” I continued. “I wasn’t looking for it to happen. It just did. And I can’t remember the last time I felt the way I felt with him. It was like I was living a whole different life. Maybe I was. I’m sorry if it hurts you. Like I said, I never intended for it to happen. But I’m not sorry for the way he made me feel. He was part of this whole thing, like it or not. And if it had to happen to help me realize what was missing, then I’m glad it did. I don’t want to be like my mother and run away from everything and everyone I love. Because I do love you, Jon. So much. And I realize that you may not want anything to do with me after all this. I won’t blame you if you want to go through with a separation or even a divorce. But I need to tell you that whatever happened to me in Rainbow Valley—all of it—I’m glad it did. Because if it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be able to sit across from you right now and tell you that I know now what I want.”

“And what’s that?” The anger I’d seen in Jon a moment earlier was gone. “What do you want, Becca?”

“I want to be, no, I need to be, true to me.” I smiled as a tear fell. “It’s like a dam has released, Jon. I can’t even explain it. A long time ago I thought I could be happy just by being the wife and mother you wanted me to be. But I need more.”

Jon hung his head between his knees and used one hand to rub at the back of his neck.
 

“Jon?”

“I really screwed things up, didn’t I?” he asked when he looked up.
 

It took me a moment to realize what he’d said. It was me that screwed things up. Not him. “What do you mean? It wasn’t you, Jon. It was me.”
 

He shook his head. “No, Becca. You don’t understand. It was me that pushed the wedding when we got pregnant. I wanted us to move. I let you give up everything. Your art, your passion. All of it. I knew it wasn’t you, that you wouldn’t be happy. But I let it happen because it was easier that way. It was easier to have you at home with Jordan and then Kayla, instead of following your own dreams.” I tried to interrupt, to disagree with him, but he held up his hand. “No,” he continued, “please let me finish. I saw it, Becca. I’ve seen for years that you’ve been unhappy. I should have done more. I blame myself. And I have blamed myself. I just didn’t know what to do. I was losing you. In many ways, I’d already lost you. We’re so far apart, Becca. I just didn’t know what to do to reach you.”
 
He covered his face with his hands and rubbed his eyes.

I moved to the couch, the cushions sinking under my weight as I sat next to him. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. I put my hand on his leg and waited until I was sure he was listening. “I’m sorry if you feel responsible. But I won’t let you bear the weight of this. I’m not a child. I am, and have always been, responsible for my own happiness. It just took me awhile to figure it out.”
 

He looked at me. “What does this all mean, Becca? I mean—for us. Where does this leave us?”
 

I looked over his shoulder and my eyes caught sight of a picture, framed on the mantle. It wasn’t a formal portrait, or even a portrait at all. It was a photo taken the summer before in Dad’s garden. We were playing a game of lawn darts and were actually all smiling and having fun together. Nobody was fighting. It had been a great day. We could have that again. I looked back to Jon and decided to lay my heart out. “I want us back. I still have a lot to figure out about myself, but I’d like to do it with you, Jon. I understand if you can’t get past what happened. And if you choose to go through with the separation, it’ll hurt, but I’ll be okay.”

Jon turned to me and took my hands in his. “It was never about a separation, Becca. I never wanted to end things with you. Not ever.”

“But you said—”

“I know what I said, and it was stupid. It was me being frustrated and scared. It was stupid. I didn’t know how else to reach you. It kills me to think of you with another man, Becca.” My breath caught in my throat, but I didn’t say anything. “I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I’ll be able to forget about it. I’m not sure if I can.”

I looked down at my hands, still clasped in his. I squeezed tighter, not wanting to break our bond. I looked then at my husband. Really looked at him. I saw all the years we’d shared. Our first date at a dingy cafe that served the best clubhouse sandwiches. The first time we’d made love. How I knew I wanted to wake up in his arms every day. Our wedding day, surrounded by friends and family. I told him then that I’d love him forever. Could that change? The day Jordan was born when he took her in his arms, so gentle but so unsure of how to be a father. Years later when Kayla was born, and he was more confident. How he called us his perfect girls.
 

Looking at him, there was no doubt in my mind. No doubt about what we shared.

“I love you, Jon,” I said. My voice was soft, barely more than a whisper.
 

 
“I love you, too. You’re my heart.”

“And everything that’s happened?”
 

I felt the tears come to my eyes again. The sensation was still so new. My eyes felt wet and awkward and I swiped at them.

“We can’t change it,” he said. “But we can change the future.” He wiped away my tears with his thumb, as his own eyes filled. “You are and always have been the best part of me, Becca. Without you—”

I silenced him with a kiss. It took a moment as my lips found their place again with his, but then Jon’s mouth moved against mine in a way that was both familiar and new at the same time. I let myself relax into his embrace as we remembered each other.

***

Much later, lying in bed next to my husband, my head rested on his chest while his hand gently drew circles on my back. My body was heavy, yet weightless at the same time, and I soaked up the heat radiating from Jon. His movements slowed and I knew he was falling asleep. I placed a soft kiss on his bare skin and snuggled closer.
 

“Becca?”
 

“I thought you were asleep,” I said, and lifted my head to look at him.
 

His eyes were closed, a half smile fixed on his lips. “I’m glad you’re back, Becca.”
 

In response, I pushed up on the bed and kissed his lips, wearing his smile as my own.
 

I cuddled next to him and waited until I could hear the gentle rhythm of his breathing. When I was sure he was asleep, I slipped from bed, wrapping myself in my housecoat.
 

Dylan had given Jon my art supplies to bring home from the hospital; they sat in the living room waiting for me. It didn’t take me long to set up my easel with a fresh canvas and lay out the paints.

My fingers gripped the brush and I got to work, painting fast and feverishly, fueled by the emotions from the last forty-eight hours. I started with the flowers, recreating the vibrant colors, the bursts of blossoms that filled the space. Then I added my family. One at at a time. Jon first, and then Jordan standing next to him. I put Kayla sitting cross-legged on the grass in front. I waited until last to paint myself. I positioned myself next to Jon, hand in his, smiling down at the girls.