Authors: Natalie Ward
Today, 12:55pm – Jared
“You know what Mia,” I
say, cutting her off. “Right now, I really don’t give a fuck about Luke.”
I am furious now,
absolutely fucking furious, sitting here trying to decide whether I should just
walk out of this room and never come back.
“What?” she whispers as
though unable to believe what I’ve just said.
I take a deep breath. I
don’t really mean that, I’m only saying it because I’m angry, pissed off. But
I’m angry enough to repeat it because right now, all I want to do is hurt her.
Hurt her like she’s hurt me. Yeah it makes me a prick, but right now, I don’t
give a fuck.
“I said I don’t give a
fuck about Luke and what he’s got to do with us. Although I know that you do,
because from where I’m sitting, it’s pretty fucking obvious you picked him over
me.”
“Jared, no…” she gets out
and I finally look at her. She looks upset, I’ll give her that, but I just
don’t know how real any of it is anymore. All I know is she pulled away from me
and never told me
why,
never said what I did wrong or
how I could possibly even begin to fix it. And the more I’ve thought about it,
the longer I’ve had to deal with it, watch her act as though nothing even
happened, as though I didn’t mean anything to her; the angrier I’ve gotten. I
thought I was angry five months ago, that I couldn’t possibly get any angrier.
But I realise now, I was wrong.
Very
wrong.
“No?” I ask. “How else
would you describe it Mia? I wanted to be with you, I thought you wanted to be
with me. You said you did, but you pushed me away.” I
stop,
take a deep breath before continuing. “You were coming back to Boston, for
Luke. Then you weren’t.
But you sure as shit weren’t letting
me come to Chicago.
So I don’t get it Mia, I really don’t fucking get
it?”
“Jared…” she begs, but I
don’t want to hear it anymore.
“No Mia,
I
need to speak now. You’re telling me
it’s all because of Luke, because of what would make him happy? What about me?”
I spit out. “What about making me fucking happy?”
Does she even fucking
care, did she ever fucking care? I’m starting to wonder if she did, if she ever
felt for me even half of what I feel for her.
I get up off the bed and
walk towards the door, knowing I have to go, that I have to leave, right now. I
hear Mia inhale and I know she’s afraid. I am so fucking pissed off right now,
that I slam the door shut, stupidly staying in the room, but not looking at
her.
“I never meant to push you
away Jared, I really never meant to do that.”
When I don’t say anything,
she goes on. “I only ever wanted to be with you. I loved you, I really did and
nothing
about that has changed. But
something...something happened after that last time you came to visit.”
I can’t turn around. I
can’t bear to look at her anymore.
“Something I couldn’t let
happen, despite
how much
I wanted it
to. Something which made me do what I did, but which I know was wrong…”
I stop listening to her. I
don’t want to hear it anymore and I turn to face her, ready to just ask her to
leave, to get the hell out of here and never come back. I can tell she’s trying
not to cry, even after all this time, I can still read her. A part of me wants
to comfort her, but the bigger, angrier part of me just wants to watch her, let
her feel some of the hurt I’ve been feeling for the last twelve months. Yeah I
guess I really can be an asshole at times.
Mia lifts her eyes to mine
as she brushes away a tear she can’t stop from falling now. I start to feel a
part of me caving in as I watch her do this. I take a deep breath, hardening
myself.
I will not give in.
For too
long I have put up with it, not understanding what was really going on and just
going along with whatever Mia wanted. I’m tired of doing that, tired of all it.
Tired of never fucking knowing what the hell happened.
“Just say it Mia, just
tell me what happened,” I say, exhausted by all of this now.
Mia doesn’t look away from
me. “You wanted to move to Chicago, Jared. You wanted to give up the band, give
up everything, for me.”
She sounds devastated,
destroyed, and still, I can’t understand why. It’s driving me crazy and I can
feel myself starting to get angry again. Angrier maybe. “Because I was in love
with you Mia,” I shout, louder than I should. “Why was that a problem, why was
that
such
a bad thing?”
She finally looks at me
again. “Because of Luke, and…”
Fuck.
Again with her brother, I don’t even hear what she’s saying
to me anymore as it all suddenly clicks into place. She gave me up for her
brother. She gave up any future we might have had together, because she didn’t
want to take away the one her brother had finally gotten. In the end, she took
the job, gave her brother everything and me, fucking nothing. The new knowledge
literally breaks my heart all over again as I realise his happiness meant more
to her than mine.
Or hers.
“So basically,” I spit
out, needing to make sure she understands I get it now. “You gave up Chicago
because you didn’t want to ruin whatever it was that Luke had going here, is
that right?”
Mia’s answer is a whisper.
“Yes.”
I exhale loudly, wondering
how this all got so fucked up. In the beginning Mia would always clam up, not
say anything when it all got too hard. Never more so than when I tried to talk
to her about her dad, or what happened to Luke, or even coming clean to him
about us. But I thought we’d gotten past all of that. I thought once we started
dating and everyone knew about it, that none of that shit mattered anymore. And
I ask that exact question to Mia right now.
“We had,” she says, as if
the answer is simple and obvious.
But it’s not to me. “So
what the fuck happened?” I ask, frustrated all over again.
“I’m sorry Jared. I know
there is nothing I can say or do to make what I did right,” Mia says. “But
please know, I am so sorry. Sorry for what I did, but most of all, sorry for
hurting you like that.”
I want to ask why, why she
did it then, why she won’t just spit it out, how she could knowingly hurt me
like that, why the fuck it all turned to shit, because I still don’t fucking
understand.
But right now, I also
don’t trust myself to speak. Mia gets up off the bed and walks towards me,
tries to take my hand. And despite everything, just the feel of her, even her
simple touch, hurts me. I want to push her away, not give in to her. I just
need to know, I need to understand everything.
“I know I don’t deserve
your forgiveness,” she whispers. “But please know, there hasn’t been a single
day that’s gone by that I haven’t regretted what I did, that I don’t wish I
could go back and change everything.”
I look up at her and I can
see the sorrow in her beautiful blue eyes. Eyes
that always
get
darker when she cries. The last time I saw her cry was when she saw
what her dad did to her brother. That was the day I met her and my life changed
forever. I have no idea what would have happened if he hadn’t come to our
apartment that morning, if he hadn’t somehow found Luke and did what he did.
Maybe one day I still would’ve met Mia, but maybe it would’ve all been
different. Maybe it was only seeing what their father did that brought us
together in the first place.
I don’t know how things
would have been different, but I do know that I would have loved her
regardless. Whenever we met, I know I would have loved her. She’s impossible
not to love. But it doesn’t stop the anger that’s churning inside me, trying
desperately to get out.
“Yeah,” I spit out,
throwing it all back in her face now. “But what you’re really saying is he was
more important to you than me, than us?” I know I’m being a dick, but I can’t
stop myself. The fact that she chose him over me, over us, hurts. And it hurts
even more, because in my mind, there was no choice to even make, that it didn’t
have to be this fucking hard at all. I go to walk
past,
ready to walk out of the room and forget I ever met her. Walk out this room and
away from her, our past and everything. I don’t ever want to come back and I
don’t ever want to see her again.
Mia holds out a hand,
putting in on my chest and stopping me. “Jared, please.”
I stop. Of course I
fucking stop. Fucking pussy.
“That’s not it at all, not
even close,” she says, her voice raw. “I, I just, I couldn’t bear to take
something else away from him. You
know
what it was like for him growing up, Jared.” Mia grabs my shirt now, as though
trying to convince me, trying to hold on to me or something.
I do know what it was
like. I saw the fucking fall out from it myself. Saw what their
fucktard
father was capable of, first hand. I’m the one who
threw him out of the fucking house, who took Luke to the hospital and who sat
with him every fucking day he was in there. I’m the one who tried to get him to
go to the police, who tried to get him better and who called Mia in the fucking
first place. If I hadn’t seen exactly what their fucking father was capable of,
I never would have even met Mia.
I take a deep breath.
“Trust me Mia, I know what he went through okay.” My hands are clenched at my
sides now. I am so angry, so fucking angry that this is still affecting us. That
their
fucked up family is still messing with them,
years later.
Mia is talking, but I’m no
longer listening.
I’m done
,
I am so
done
. Her head
drops
as her tears become sobs.
It falls against my chest and a part of my hardened heart wants to crumble. I
can’t bear to see her upset, even after everything that has happened. But I
don’t move
,
I do nothing to comfort her.
Mia’s hand is still
griping my shirt, pulling against it, pulling me towards her as though she
wants to pull me into her body, her arms. My stupid heart is starting to cave,
it’s crumbling and I want to give in, I want to understand her, I want her
back.
But I can’t, I won’t
because I am still so fucking angry, so before my stupid heart gives in
completely, I pull her hand from my shirt, turn and walk out of the room,
slamming the door behind me as I wonder how the fuck I am ever supposed to get
over Mia.
How the fuck I’m ever
supposed to stop loving her.
Today, 1:35pm – Mia
As I lie on Jared’s bed,
my face buried in his pillow crying, all I can smell through my tears is
him
. I remember after he left Chicago for the last time, the
last real time anyway, I didn’t want to wash my sheets for days, just trying to
hang on to the smell of him. I’d made him leave me one of his t-shirts, just so
I could wear something that smelled like him, feel as if I was going to bed
wrapped up in him.
And right now, despite everything
that’s just happened, I feel like I’m right back there again. Breathing in his
scent, surrounded by him, but at the same time, not.
Wondering whether I am
ever going to be surrounded by him again.
I miss him so badly…but
I’ve lost him now.
It’s too late, we are too
broken and I can’t have him back.
And right now, all I can
think about, is how the hell do I ever get over him.
How am I ever supposed to
stop loving him?
Today, 1:35pm – Jared
I get as far as the
kitchen before I realise I am not dressed to leave the apartment. In any case,
I know I won’t really leave. That really, I’m all fucking talk about walking
out of here and never seeing her again.
Because it’s
impossible for me to leave her.
It’s been my biggest problem all along.
She might think I left her
that day back in Chicago, but nothing could be further from the truth. I
thought by giving her space, she’d realise what a huge mistake she was making
by pushing me away. I thought she’d come to her senses and let me come back.
Of course I forgot how goddamn
fucking stubborn this girl could be.
But what she doesn’t
realise, is that I can be stubborn too. I didn’t leave her, I’ve never fucking
left her. And, deep down, I know more than anything else in the world, I never
will, because it’s impossible for me to let her go.
No matter how hard I try,
I just can’t let her go. I cannot walk away from her. Of course I want her
back, I’d fucking kill to have her back because I never really gave her up in
the first place.
I never gave her up because
I never fucking stopped loving her. Ever.
“Fuck!” I say, my hands
griping my hair and pulling hard.
My mind is reeling with
everything she has told me today. I can’t believe the shit that has gone on,
all so fucking simple and so pointless. Although ironically, the very thing
that brought us together now seems to be the one thing that broke us apart.
I should fucking hate Luke
right now.
But I don’t.
How can I? Not when I’ve
seen first hand exactly what he had to go through.
And really, like I said to
her before, that is part of why I fell in love with her in the first place.
Because she cares so much for her brother, that she would actually give up her
own happiness to protect his. Once again, I should hate Luke because she’s done
that, but I don’t. I know he has no idea about any of this, all the things Mia
has done for him. I wonder what he’d think if he did know.
“Fuck!” I say again, not
really sure what to do right now.
I should go back in there,
but right now I
can’t
. I am so fucking angry, I’m
actually afraid I’ll say something I might really regret. So I walk to the
fridge, open it and grab a beer. As I twist off the cap and drink half of it,
something Mia said comes back to me…
something
happened after that last time you came to visit…
and as I remember her
words, a question forms.
She was leaving Chicago
for Luke.
But she never left
Chicago.
She never came back.
Why the fuck didn’t she
come back?