Authors: Natalie Ward
Five months ago – Jared
I’m out on the deck when I
hear the door open behind me. Without even looking I can guess who it will be.
“Can’t sleep?” Mia asks.
I’m sitting with my feet
up on the railing, staring out at the beach and without turning I answer her,
“No.”
The sea looks black from
here, no longer the colour of Mia’s eyes, like it was earlier today. Fuck,
earlier today. That was just painful. Sitting out on the sand, trying not to
stare at
her
as she lay there in a bikini so tiny, she
may as well have not been wearing it. Watching her laugh and talk and basically
act like nothing had ever happened between us, it was fucking agonising. All of
those forced bullshit conversations, like some strange mutual agreement had
been reached not to rock the boat, not to make things awkward for everyone
else.
It was making me sick.
Acting as though Mia and I
had never happened, that there had never been anything even remotely important between
us.
That the four fucking
years we spent together, meant nothing.
“Yeah me either,” she
replies, walking over to the balcony and hoisting herself up on to it. I can’t
help but look over at her now, my eyes drawn to her no matter how much I try to
stop it. She is wearing boxer shorts, fuck, my boxer shorts. Did she take them
from my drawer or did I leave them at her place in Chicago? God I can’t believe
she is wearing them, and together with her tight tank, she looks fucking
gorgeous, as always. She never slept in anything all the times she’d slept with
me, but I knew she wore this kind of stuff back when we’d been sneaking around.
I’d peeled it off her often enough to know that.
I feel my stomach tighten
at the sight of her, just like it always did and I have to look away. Once
again I wonder how much more of this I am going to be able to take. No matter
how much I try to avoid it, I am always going to see her, because she will
always come to see Luke. Why had I even come with them to the Cape in the first
place?
“Why can’t you sleep,” she
eventually asks when it becomes clear I’m not going to start the conversation.
Without looking at her I
answer, “My room is next door to Ash and Luke’s.”
The reason hangs between
us, the obviousness of what’s going on in their room, but what’s missing
between us now.
“Oh,” is all she says.
Despite myself, I risk
another quick glance at her and even in the moonlight I can see the blush that
creeps onto her cheeks. She looks at me then for the briefest of seconds and I
quickly meet her eyes, eyes that do look like the sea tonight, before I have to
turn away again.
“He’s happy with her
though, isn’t he?” she asks quietly.
“Happier than I’ve ever
seen him,” I answer. “He’s wanted her for a long time.” And now he has her.
Unlike me, who doesn’t have you anymore, my bitter inner voice can’t help but
add.
“Yeah,” she adds quietly.
“I’m glad to see him so happy.”
I don’t want to talk about
this anymore, don’t want to discuss how happy Luke is now that he has the woman
he wanted. Don’t want to talk about how happy I am for him, for both of them,
or how fucking pissed off I am because I can’t have that anymore.
“Why are you awake?” I ask
Mia, my voice harder than I mean it to be.
“I don’t know,” she
answers quietly. “Just couldn’t sleep I guess.”
I exhale loudly, running
my hands over my face. “Are you okay, is everything alright Mia?” I eventually
ask, unable to stop myself, as I finally look right at her. I’ll always worry
about Mia, I have since the day I met her and I will until the day I die. I
guess that’s what love does to you, and even though she doesn’t love me back, I
don’t think I will ever stop worrying about her. I won’t stop loving her
either. I haven’t now, even after all these months. Months of not knowing what
the fuck I did wrong.
Her leg stretches out, the
tips of her toes just reaching the armrest of the chair I am sitting in. I want
to reach out and touch her, run my hand up her smooth, soft skin, like I used
to. But I don’t, I’m not allowed to do that anymore, she made sure of that and
I don’t want to torture myself with the possibility. I’m sick of it, sick of
being so close to her, sick of wanting her and not being allowed to have her
anymore. I’m not even sure if I can stay living in the same apartment as Luke now.
He has Ash anyway, so he doesn’t need me around, cramping their style. And I
sure as shit don’t need to be reminded of who his sister is.
Mia doesn’t answer my
question and neither of us says anything more. We sit in silence, with my hand
resting just inches from her foot but unable to look at each other now. I’ve
watched her all day. Watched her act like nothing ever happened between us and
it has made me so fucking pissed off. I have no fucking idea why it all went so
wrong. And I know I should be sorry for everything I said and did back in
Chicago. I know I should regret it, I said some awful things, things I can’t
undo. But I can’t, I’m just too fucking pissed off this time.
Seeing her today changed
something. I don’t know what it was, being out here, seeing her happy, seeing
her in a tiny fucking bikini, but tonight, around that fire we’d built on the
beach, something changed. Somehow all of the sadness and hurt that I was
feeling,
has materialised into anger, hard fucking anger
that I have no hope of letting go of right now.
Anger at how she pushed me
away.
Anger at having no fucking clue as to what I did wrong.
Anger because she still won’t
fucking
talk about it,
even though I thought we’d gotten passed all of that shit. But I think most of
all,
my anger is about her acting as though none of it ever
happened, as though
we
never even
happened. It’s like all those years we spent together, sneaking around, living
together, none of it meant anything to her. And I have no fucking clue why, or
how she can act like that.
Not when she means the
world to me.
I can’t fucking handle it
anymore. Not now, not again. We’re done. We are so fucking done.
I push up out of the
chair. “I’m going to bed,” I say, glancing quickly at Mia before I turn and
head inside.
“Jared?”
I stop,
even now
,
I just can’t help it
. But don’t turn
around. Stupid really, because I can see her reflected back at me in the
sliding glass door. Can see everything about her, illuminated by the nearly
full moon hanging in the clear night sky behind us. A sky filled with stars
that remind me of the bedroom we used to share, the stars we used to sleep
under, wrapped together every fucking night.
I watch as she lowers
herself off the railing. Watch as she walks slowly towards me, stopping when
she is just behind me. How easy it would be to just turn around and pull her
into my arms, drag her towards me and press my mouth to hers. I wonder if she
would resist or would she just cave like I know I would if the situation was
reversed. God I want to kiss her so bad. I want to turn around, pull her into my
arms and press my mouth against her. I want her arms to wrap themselves around
my shoulders as I pick her up and take her down to the beach, to a hidden spot
where I can kiss her all over. Where no one will find us, where we can pretend,
for just a minute, that nothing else, including all of our problems, even
exists.
But I don’t. I do nothing
but stand here, watching our reflections in the glass door.
Unable
to move at all.
“I miss you,” she finally
says, her voice barely a whisper.
I feel like all of the air
is pushed out of me. I can’t breathe, and I want to ask what she means, but I
don’t even dare, too scared that it doesn’t mean anything. Too pissed off that
I’m finally hearing the words I needed to hear six months ago, but not for one
minute believing they are actually true. So I don’t ask her, instead I say the
only true thing I can, hoping it gets through to her. Knowing that even if it
does, it probably won’t change anything.
“I miss you too Mia,
really fucking miss you,” I say, lowering my head so I don’t have to see her
reaction before walking back inside and leaving her standing there alone.
Today, 12:45pm – Mia
“So you quit your job, you
just gave up that awesome opportunity, for Luke?”
I take a deep breath,
forcing the air into my lungs before I give up and pass out. “Not just Luke,” I
tell him. “You too.”
“Right,” he says and I
know he doesn’t believe me.
“You have to understand,
Jared, none of what I did was easy for me, please don’t think I didn’t hurt
because of it.”
Jared laughs, but it’s
bitter now. “What, and you think it was somehow easy for me?”
“No,” I say quietly.
“Because I can tell you it
wasn’t, Mia,” he says, his voice harsh now. “It was anything
but
easy. In fact it was fucking awful,
has been…” He looks right at me and I can see the pain on his face. “Fucking
awful.”
I feel an ache in my
fingers and when I glance down, I see
they are twisted around
each other so tightly
,
they are white
. I can’t
even begin to work out how to undo them, it’s as though they are locked in
place. When I glance up, I can see the anger all over Jared’s face. What was
pain has now morphed into anger and it’s a side of Jared I’ve only seen once
before.
“I know Jared,” I say. “I
know it wasn’t easy for you. It wasn’t easy for me either. And Luke…”
“You know what Mia?” Jared
suddenly says, cutting me off. “Right now, I really don’t give a fuck about
Luke.”
“What?” I ask, shocked.
“I said I don’t give a
fuck about Luke and what he’s got to do with us. Although I know that you do,
because from where I’m sitting, it’s pretty fucking obvious you picked him over
me.”
“Jared, no…” I try to say.
“No? How else would you
describe it Mia? I wanted to be with you, I thought you wanted to be with me.
You said you did, but you pushed me away,” he says, stopping to take a breath.
“You were coming back to Boston, for Luke. Then you weren’t.
But
you sure as shit weren’t letting me come to Chicago.
So I don’t get it
Mia, I really don’t fucking get it.”
“Jared,” I plead, needing
him to understand.
“No Mia,” he says cutting
me off. “I need to speak now…
You
’re telling me it’s
all because of Luke, because of what would make him happy? What about me? What
about making me fucking happy?”
Jared is yelling now, the
anger and frustration he is feeling is evident in his voice, on his face, his
whole body. He gets up off the bed and stalks towards the door. I hold my
breath as I wait to see if he is storming out. But he doesn’t, he just grips
the edge of it tightly before slamming it shut and standing with his back to
me.
“I never meant to push you
away Jared, I really never meant to do that.” I watch as he continues to stare
at the door, not looking at me. “I only ever wanted to be with you. I loved
you, I really did and
nothing
about
that has changed.” I stop, bracing myself before continuing, “But
something…something happened after that last time you came to visit. Something
I couldn’t let happen…” my voice catches and I have to clear my throat before I
can go on. “Despite
how much
I wanted
it to. Something, which made me do what I did, but which I know was wrong.
Something I did to protect someone I love, but something that ended up hurting
the person I love the most, even more.” I stop now, not sure how to continue.
I can feel the tears
threatening, but I don’t want to let them out. I need to say all of
this,
I need to just get it out once and for all. Jared’s
right, I do owe him an explanation. I owe him everything. I lower my head,
closing my eyes as I force the tears away, before looking back at him. Jared
turns now and I see his face is a mask of hurt and betrayal and it literally
kills me to have him looking at me like this. I didn’t think it was possible
for my heart to break anymore, but right now, it feels like it is being ripped,
piece by piece
, from my chest.
He stares at me, saying
nothing.
I force my eyes to stay on
his as I tell him. “You wanted to move to Chicago, Jared. You wanted to give up
the band, give up everything, for me.”
“Because I was in love
with you, Mia, why was that a problem, why was that
such
a bad thing?” he suddenly yells.
The pieces of my heart are
all on the floor now, surrounding me. I wonder if it’s possible to pick them
back up, force them back inside my chest where they belong, so I can have any
chance of surviving this.
“Because of Luke,” I whisper.
“And because of that I quit…”
Jared explodes now, his
face red with fury as he interrupts me. “So, basically,” Jared spits. “You gave
up Chicago because you didn’t want to ruin whatever it was that Luke had going
on here, is that right?” His voice harsh,
“Yes,” I say quietly.
Jared exhales loudly. “I
just don’t get it, I mean, I don’t get why you couldn’t say any of that to me,
Mia. I thought we’d gotten past all of that shit.”
“We had,” I say, knowing
that everything that’s been said, it’s all been to get to this point, right
now.
“So what the fuck
happened?” he asks, his hands running through his hair in frustration again.
God, this next part is
going to hurt so much more than anything I’ve said so far. “I’m sorry Jared. I
know there is nothing I can say or do to make what I did right. But
please know, I am so sorry
. Sorry for what I did, but most
of all, sorry for hurting you like that.”
Jared stands there,
staring at the floor now. His body is tense and I can’t tell if he’s listening
to me or not. He opens his mouth, but then shuts it as though he doesn’t trust
himself to speak.
I get up off the bed and
walk towards him, nervously reach over and take one of his hands in mine. He
resists at first, his fingers remaining curled in a fist. My thumb brushes
lightly over his knuckles, which are white with tension.
“I know I don’t deserve
your forgiveness,” I whisper, silently begging him to look at me. “But please
know, there hasn’t been a single day that’s gone by that I haven’t regretted
what I did, that I don’t wish I could go back and change everything.”
Jared looks at me with a
face that’s full of fury, and I don’t think he’s heard a single word I’ve said.
I hold my
breath,
hoping, wishing he could just read
my mind, understand all of this.
“Yeah,” Jared suddenly
says, his voice like venom. “But what you’re really saying is that he was more
important to you than me, than us?”
The way he says it tells
me he hasn’t heard what I’ve said and as he lets go of my hand and starts
pacing in front of me, all I want to do is get down on my knees and beg him to
forgive me. To apologise for the stupid fucking mistake I made
,
to make him understand me.
“Jared,” I plead, putting
my hand on his chest as he walks past. “Please.”
He stops, so I continue.
“That’s not it at all, not even close. I just, I couldn’t bear to take
something else away from him. You
know
what it was like for him growing up Jared.” My fingers grip his t-shirt now,
trying to get him to listen, to understand.
He exhales, his chest
moving against my hand. I want to pull him closer, pull him into my arms and
never let him go. “Trust me Mia, I know what he went through okay.”
“Jared, please believe
me,” I beg. “I never meant to hurt you like that. I never wanted to do that to
you. I know now how very wrong it was. I know I was wrong.” My voice cracks
with sobs as I realise I am crying now, unable to stop the tears. My fingers
tighten in his t-shirt, pulling on it. “I never wanted to let you go. I don’t
want to let you go now. I want you back Jared, I love you and I just want you
back. I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry. I never should have listened to him, I
should have fought harder, tried harder…he’s so…” my voice cuts off.
The room is completely
silent. I can’t move and I can’t breathe. Jared is staring at me and his blue
eyes are filled with tears, which he doesn’t even bother trying to hide. I open
my mouth to finish this, but Jared shakes his head once. My head falls now and
lands against his chest, my fingers still gripping his shirt. I’m holding on,
desperate for him to believe me, desperate for him to stay, but he pulls my
hand from his t-shirt and storms out of the room. As the door slams behind him,
I exhale on a rush.
A loud sob escapes me, as
though the last bit of air I was holding in, finally pushes its way out. The
ache in my chest, which I didn’t think could ever get any worse, suddenly
starts to hurt in a way that literally has me doubling over in pain.
I have no idea what to do,
whether I should go after him or wait and see if he calms down and comes back.
As my sobs start to get harder, I do the only thing I have the energy left to
do. I climb back into bed, curl up in a ball, burying my face in Jared’s
pillow, and cry, wishing I could somehow magically fix this.
I’d wanted to try back at the
Cape, but I didn’t. I’d wanted to try when I saw how happy Luke and Ash were
and I’d longed to get back to that with Jared. But it hadn’t happened. We’d
barely been alone enough to talk and whenever we were, the tension between us
felt tighter than ever, as though it was only a second away from exploding. I
don’t know why it had been so different out there, why it felt like we were
precariously balancing somewhere between screaming at each other and never
talking again or crashing together in a way that meant we’d never be able to
part.
But I hadn’t said
anything, just like I hadn’t been able to say anything for a year.
Not since he’d shown up
and changed everything. Forced me to do something that has caused me nothing
but pain since.
And, it still hurts now,
more than ever.