Authors: Natalie Ward
Today, 3:45am – Mia
Eventually, I pull myself
from Jared’s arms, my body almost crying out in protest as I do. I can’t think
straight when I’m wrapped up in him, especially with his warm, hard body
pressed against mine. It makes me want to do all sorts of things, things I know
I can’t.
I move over, sitting
beside him now and leaning back against the headboard, sliding my legs under
the duvet without asking if he minds. Jared watches me, but doesn’t say
anything.
“He fucked up both of our
lives, but Luke’s more than anyone’s,” I say. “I don’t know how you come back
from that, how you ever get over it, especially after the last incident. But
that day you finally picked up his phone and called me, that was the day I found
out.”
Jared turns to look at me,
his head leaning against the wall, mirroring my position. “What do you mean?”
I stare up at the stars on
his ceiling, see no glowing constellations yet, only the dull stickers in this
light. I’d love to turn all the lights off and see nothing but our stars, the
stars I spent so many nights lying under, wrapped in Jared’s arms.
I take a deep breath,
trying to continue even though my heart is practically screaming at me to crawl
back into his arms. I shouldn’t have moved.
“You were right to push me
away that first night Jared. I didn’t know what I was really doing and you were
right, whatever it was, I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was using you,
and I never wanted to use you,” I tell him. “I mean when I saw what you’d done
for Luke, everything you did for me. I finally started to realise there were
good people in this world, people who would do good things for us, for me. But
you were always so much
more
than
just a good thing to me.”
“I wanted to be
everything
to you, Mia,” he says, his
head falling back against the wall again. “I wanted to be your everything,
including someone for you to talk to.”
I smile at him, but it’s
not a real smile, it’s sadness and regret and loneliness, all wrapped up in
something that’s supposed to look like a smile. “You were my everything,” I say
quietly.
“But I wasn’t quite
enough, was I,” he says, running his hand through his hair. “I wasn’t ever
quite enough for you.”
“What do you mean?” I ask,
my hand sliding closer in the hope that he reaches for it again.
“You never wanted to talk
about it, about any of the stuff that happened to you back then, about any of
the things that were going through your head. Any of the things that you’re
telling me now.”
“I couldn’t,” I say, my
fingers gripping the duvet.
Jared runs his hand
through his hair again; it’s practically dry now. “Why Mia? Why couldn’t you
ever tell me these things?”
I suck in a quick breath.
“I don’t know,” I say sadly. “I didn’t know how to, I was afraid, I wanted to
pretend none of it existed, didn’t want to disappoint you. I just don’t know…”
Jared stares at me, his
blue eyes boring into mine as though he’s searching for something, anything. I
stare back, wanting him to find it, wanting him to see the truth in what I am
telling him.
“And now?” he asks.
“Now?” I respond.
“What do you want now?”
“So many things, Jared…” I
say, knowing it all really boils down to just one thing.
Jared scoots a tiny bit
closer to me, his hand finally touching mine as his fingers move closer. My
eyes close as I savour his touch.
“Baby,” he whispers, my
heart skipping a beat as he calls me that again for the first time since it all
went so bad. “You deserve everything, everything you could ever want.”
Everything inside of me
melts. At the words he says, at his touch against my skin, at his hand in mine.
I would do anything, give anything, just to be able to roll over and kiss him
right now. Just to melt right into his arms, his body,
his
touch and completely lose myself in him like I once did.
“There’s only one thing I
ever really wanted Jared,” I finally tell him, my heart racing.
“What?”
“You.”
Jared opens his mouth to
say something, but he doesn’t. I’m sure he’s going to ask me how only wanting
him could possibly be true when I seemed so happy to push him away.
I watch as he turns away
now. Sliding further under the covers as he stares up at the ceiling and
doesn’t say anything. I wonder what’s going on inside his head, what he could
possibly think of me. I don’t think I’ve made myself very clear at all.
I’m about to ask him, when
Jared suddenly yawns and I immediately glance at the clock radio beside his
bed.
“Shit, it’s really late,”
I say. “I should let you sleep.”
Jared is shaking his head
before I even finish my sentence. “No, I’m fine. Besides, I want to hear this
Mia, I need to hear it.”
I nod at him, knowing
there’s no chance of me sleeping anytime soon anyway. “What time do you need to
be at practice tomorrow?” I ask.
“We’re supposed to do a
quick one at four, but I’m not sure if it’s happening. We might just do
something before the show.”
“Really, why’s that?” I
ask him.
Jared gestures towards the
door. “Luke, he’s getting another
tatt
, isn’t sure
how long it will take.”
I glance at the door, even
though I know Luke isn’t standing there. “Tomorrow? Why’s he getting it done
tomorrow?”
“Ash’s birthday the
following day,” Jared says, his eyes closing for a moment. He looks like he can
barely stay awake right now and a part of me feels so bad for doing this to him
tonight. He needs to sleep, especially in light of the big show tomorrow. The
last thing he needs is
me
, dumping all of my shit on
him.
“Oh,” I finally say,
knowing this must mean he’s getting a tattoo for her. I wonder where, and what
it will be. I wonder if she’s finally managed to say those words out loud to
him tonight. I imagine if she has, that will make the whole thing even more
special, not that it’s necessary between those two. You’d have to be completely
blind to see they weren’t head over heels in love with each other. I don’t
think it would matter if Ash never told my brother how she felt about him, he
must already know, we all do.
“Ash is supposedly telling
him she loves him tonight.”
Jared laughs a little, his
eyes slowly closing again, before he forces them to open. I really should let
him sleep. “Like he doesn’t already know,” he eventually says. “Everyone
fucking knows.”
“Yeah I know,” I say. “But
it’s a big thing to actually say it out loud, isn’t it?”
Jared turns on the pillow
so he is half lying on his side, looking up at the stars. Our hands are still
joined and I don’t dare move in case he notices and pulls his away.
“Yeah,” he whispers. “It
is.”
It makes me think back to
when I finally admitted how I felt about Jared.
I
couldn’t even do that part right
,
the
I love you
.
It’s fucking laughable really, what I was saying to Ash tonight.
Tell him, you have to tell him, everyone knows, even he knows. What a joke,
when I couldn’t even say it first to Jared. I took the easy route, a cop out
definitely.
But in the end, it didn’t
stop him from saying it back and when he did, then we both found our voices.
Two years ago – Jared
Mia and I have been out of
the closest so to speak, for nearly a year now and it’s been nothing short of
amazing. We are heading to my folks for Christmas today, the two of
us and Luke
. My Mom can’t fucking wait because naturally she
adores Mia. What can I say though, so do I.
“Come on!” I yell at both
of them. “Let’s fucking
go
already!”
I can hear Mia laughing as
she walks out the door. “Alright, alright, geez keep your pants on Jared.”
I smile at her in a way
that says; actually baby, I’d really like to take you somewhere private and get
these pants off. The wink I get in return tells me she is thinking the exact
same thing and because of that, I just can’t help myself when I grab her wrist
and quickly pull her around to my side of the car we’ve rented.
“Jared, what are you
doing?” she whispers breathlessly as I press her up against the driver’s door.
With my body pinning her
in, I answer, “Temporarily putting myself out of my misery,” before kissing her
hard on the mouth. I feel her gasp when my lips press against hers, but I don’t
stop. Pushing my hips against her, I smile when I feel her hands grab my waist,
her fingers digging into my sides and pulling me even closer. I can feel her
grip even through the thickness of the jacket I’m wearing. As our breaths come
out in hard white puffs of air, I give up caring whether Luke is coming out or
not and my eyes finally close as I reach a point where all I can think about is
Mia.
Nothing, but kissing Mia.
Well that and possibly
peeling off the layers of clothing that separates us and doing a whole lot more
than just kissing her.
But it’s Mia who
eventually ends it, pushing me away as she whispers, “Watch it you,” in a low
growl that only turns me on even more.
“Watch what?” I can’t help
but ask, grinding my hips even harder against hers and showing her exactly how
turned on I am now.
Firmly shoving me back she
smiles and says. “You’ll get in trouble if you’re not careful.”
Smiling back at her I can’t
help but ask in a low whisper, “What, from you. You
gonna
punish me for it baby?”
Leaning in, Mia moves her
hand to a very compromising position at the front of my jeans and presses a
quick kiss on my mouth as she gently squeezes her fingers. “Maybe, you’ll just
have to wait and see won’t you,” she replies in a throaty voice that leaves me
moaning with desire, before she ducks under my arms and jumps into the back
seat of the car.
“Fuck,” I say through clenched
teeth. I am in serious trouble now. I have a hard-on like you wouldn’t believe
and now I’m supposed to get in the car with Mia and
her brother,
and drive. Fuck.
And even though I should
be thinking about cold showers and shit like that, all I
can
think about is climbing onto the back seat of this car and
doing something about the raging hard-on Mia has just given me. Just as I’m
about to push Mia down on the seat and really teach her a lesson, Luke finally
walks out to the car carrying a mountain of bags.
“What the fuck is all
that?” I can’t help but ask, subtly readjusting my jeans and momentarily
distracted from climbing into the car with my gorgeous woman.
“Presents and food for
your folks,” he answers grinning.
“Shit Luke, you didn’t
need to do all that, you know that.” Man, I am constantly amazed at the things
he does, Mia too. They are just so damn generous, it is truly amazing,
especially
given everything I know about their childhood and
the shithead parents they’d been stuck with. So much has changed since the
incident with Luke’s dad and although the two of them are definitely not
speaking to each other, Luke is doing a whole lot better. He’s dropped the
defensive, pissed off at the world attitude he used to walk around with. He’s
actually laughing these days and while he’s practically a natural at playing
guitar and totally on board for getting the band together, he isn’t entirely
convinced about the singing part yet.
“Yeah, yeah I know we
didn’t,” he replies, dumping the contents of his arms in the trunk when I open
it for him. “But we couldn’t show up empty handed now, could we.”
Slapping him on the back,
I smile and say, “Well come on then, get in, or we’ll never get there!”
Laughing, Luke jumps in
the front passenger seat while I slide in behind the wheel. Glancing in the
rear view mirror as I pull out into the street, my vision is filled with Mia.
Lifting her eyes to mine, she winks at me before silently blowing me a kiss and
turning away to look out the window. Fuck, this is going to be one long ride to
Connecticut.
Three hours later we pull
into the huge drive that leads up to my parents’ house. Mansion is probably a
better way to describe it, because it really is fucking huge. My parents are
loaded, always have been, courtesy of my dad’s construction business. He’d done
well, very well and they have basically created an empire that let them retire
at fifty and actually enjoy life. My two older brothers Andrew and Simon work for
the family business, but I’ve never really been that interested. Dad is cool
about it though and they’ve supported me regardless, even when I ditched school
to move to Boston and work in Damien’s record store.
“Oh wow,” I hear Mia
whisper from the backseat. “The house looks amazing.”
Glancing in the mirror I
can see the look of wonder on her face at everything in front of her. My Mom
always goes nuts for the holidays and there is Christmas shit everywhere, all
over the house. It seems
borderline
overdone and I
wonder if it’s too cheesy, that they would think she is crazy for doing all of
this. But when I glance over at Luke, he just smiles at me and turns back to
the window. It makes me wonder whether they ever celebrated the holidays at
their place.
As soon as I stop in the
drive, the front door opens and my mom comes out, her black Labrador bounding
after her. I hear Mia squeal as she jumps out of the car and crouches down in
front of Buddy. Smiling, I turn off the engine and climb out, watching as Mom
embraces Mia in a huge hug.
Man, I have it bad,
because I am so in love with this girl.
It is well after one in
the morning by the time I finally head to bed, my brothers having kept
me and Luke
up for hours with Xbox challenges. Mia went to
bed a couple of hours earlier, tired from school and an exhibition she is
getting ready for. As I slip in the door to our room, I notice the light is
out. I can see Mia curled up under the covers, facing away from me. Tugging off
my sweats I walk over and slip under the covers, wrapping my body around hers.
She is naked, as though she’s been waiting for me, but she is also sound
asleep. As I slide my arm over her stomach and pull her back towards me,
kissing her shoulder, I feel her stir in my arms.
“Hey baby,” I whisper.
“Couldn’t wait up for me?”
“Why’d you take so long?”
she mumbles back.
I can’t help but laugh.
My beautiful Mia, as impatient as ever.
“Well I’m here now,
so what are you going to do with me?”
Turning in my arms so
she’s facing me, I can see the tiny smile on her face, her eyes only half open
as I brush her hair back and cup her cheek. Leaning up and pressing her lips to
mine, she whispers, “Oh no Jared, I think it’s you who owes me for taking so
long.”
I can’t stop the groan
that slides out of my throat at her words. Fuck she is so damn sexy and she
turns me on so bad. Pulling her even tighter against me so she can feel just
how ready I am, I whisper, “I owe you? After what you did to me before we drove
up here?”
Mia laughs and I press my
mouth firmly against hers, but kiss her gently as my hand slides from her cheek
to her neck. Wrapping it around her shoulders and pulling her into my arms, I
can feel the touch of her skin against my bare chest. Mia lets out a soft moan
as I push my tongue between her lips, tasting the minty flavour of her
toothpaste.
“Mia,” I whisper into the
darkness as her leg hitches itself over my hip, pulling our bodies even closer.
“
Mmm
,”
she lets out, pushing herself harder against my body, her tongue further into
my mouth.
My hand moves slowly down
her back to her ass as I roll over, pulling her on top of me. Mia lets out a
throaty laugh as she sits up on my hips, looking down at me. Her hair falls
down over her shoulders, covering her breasts and I reach up with one hand to
brush it to the side, my other hand firmly grasping her hip so she can’t move.
“Mia,” I say again as she
lifts off me and
rearranges
us so I can slide into
her. “Fuck baby,” I groan. “You feel amazing.”
She bends down to kiss me
as she slowly starts to move on my hips. As she pulls her mouth away from mine,
I follow her, sitting up and wrapping my arms around her body, slowing her
movements so this won’t be over too quickly.
“I want you so bad,” I
whisper against her mouth as she rakes her nails down my back.
“Jared,” she moans.
I groan again. I don’t
want this to be over yet, so I fall back onto the bed, taking Mia with me and
rolling us over so I now lie on top of her. Slowly kissing along her jaw as I
pull out of her, I hear Mia whisper, “What are you doing?”
Smiling I look up from
where I am now kissing her breast. “I owe you, remember?” is all I say as I
kiss a slow trail all the way down her body.
“Jared,” she groans, but I
ignore it, focusing instead on what I can do to make up for taking so long to
come to bed. I settle myself between her legs, putting my mouth against the
most intimate part of her, tasting her. I want to go slow, to make it last, but
the sounds that are coming from Mia are not letting me. As Mia’s thighs start
to shake on either side of me, I tighten my grip on her hips; work my tongue
harder against her body. Sliding two fingers inside of her just as she starts
to moan, I push her harder and harder until I feel her, hear the loud groan she
lets out, followed by my name. It sounds sexy as fuck.
Quickly kissing my way
back up her body, I push inside her before she’s finished coming, feel the last
of it as she wraps her legs around my hips and presses her mouth against mine,
tasting herself. Knowing I’m not going to last very long, I start to move,
pushing myself into her body. Mia continues to kiss me, her fingers digging
into my back and holding me tightly as I feel myself about to lose control.
“Mia,” I let out with a
gasp as I come, pushing into her one last time.
My body falls against
hers, the heavy weight of me pushing her into the bed. I should move but I
can’t, and Mia only wraps her body tighter around mine, as though she doesn’t
want me to be anywhere else.
“I love when you do that,”
she whispers.
“What?” I ask, lifting my
head to see her smiling up me. Did she just say she loves me?
“I said, I love when you
do that,” Mia answers, a playful
smile
now lighting up
her face.
“Oh yeah?” I ask, wishing
it were something else. “You love it huh?”
Mia shrugs. “Yeah, it
definitely earns you brownie points.”
I pull my hands from under
her back, moving them so I can tickle her. “Brownie points Mia? Well in that
case I better do it every night and every fucking morning,” I say as she laughs
beneath me, the movement of her body already turning me on all over again.
Mia suddenly goes very
still and my hands stop what they’re doing. “Think you’re up for it?” she asks
me, her laughter completely gone as she looks me dead in the eye with nothing
but want all over her face.
“Oh I’m fucking up for it
alright baby,” I growl at her before I press my mouth hard against hers and
start showing her how much I am.
I wake up late the morning
after we get back from my parents’. It’s the New Year and I know Mia had to get
back to school, finish the project she’s working on for this exhibition, so I
don’t expect her to still be here. When I roll over though, I find a note,
which is better than the cold bed I used to get. Picking up the paper, I smile
at Mia’s writing.
Hey you, back to school for me.
Miss you already.
Loved Xmas and New Year though.
And you. M x
My heart is pounding in my
chest at her final line. Is Mia seriously telling me she loves me? I read the
line a couple more times, trying to work it out. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Is she for
real? I glance at the clock, realise I am already running late for work. Quickly
pulling on a pair of sweats, I run out to the living room, desperate to see if
she’s still here. But the apartment is empty, both Mia and Luke gone. Knowing I
really need to haul ass to work, I grab a post-it from beside the phone on the
kitchen counter. Walking back into our room, I grab a pen, scrawl a note back
to her and leave it on her pillow. Taking a step back, my heart racing in my
chest right now, I glance down at the words I’ve written.
Loved Xmas, New Year &
definitely
you too.
Then I turn and walk out
of the room to take a shower.
It’s late by the time I
get home, as the shop stays open till ten on Friday nights. The apartment is
quiet, no one around. As I pull out my cell phone, ready to text Mia and find
out where she is, I notice the light coming from under my door. Smiling, I walk
towards it, tucking my phone into my back pocket. When I walk in, my smile only
gets bigger as I find Mia curled up on the bed, fully clothed, but sound
asleep. I notice my note sitting on the bedside table.