“I’ll give you a few minutes.”
“Thanks,” Kevin said, thankful the librarian had the sense to set the books on a table far away from the door. After several minutes, he found what he needed and hastily jotted down some notes for himself. He reshelved the books and smiled at the man who’d helped him, giving him a short wave before heading back to the assembly line.
He worked filling candy cane orders for another hour before he got enough privacy to do what he wanted to do. It took him some time to get his written words to say exactly what he wanted, but it helped that he had the symbolism of the rainbow flag to guide him. He gathered all the candy canes together and tied them tightly with a pipe cleaner. It looked too obvious, too
gay
, so he pulled out a sheet of paper and wrapped it all around the straight end of the candy canes to disguise the rainbow somewhat. Using another pipe cleaner, he secured the paper to the candy, pushing the card through an end before twisting the wire to make it look something like a bow. It almost looked like a bouquet of flowers. Kevin stood and walked to where the girls were sorting the gifts by classroom and he searched for Hugo’s name.
“I’m not sure we’re going to have enough green candy canes,” he said, tilting his head toward the dwindling buckets. “Maybe we should take inventory?” As the other volunteers started to count, he found the basket going to Hugo’s classroom and slipped the bouquet of candy canes in unnoticed.
A B
EARD
,
A
B
OYFRIEND
, &
T
HE
J
OY
OF
G
AY
S
EX
T
HE
doorbell rang, and Hugo eagerly walked toward it, knowing Kevin would be on the other side. “Hey,” they both greeted, and then Hugo was thumbing over his shoulder to get Kevin moving past Charisse, who was camped out in the living room pouring over a textbook.
The moment Hugo’s bedroom door was shut, he had Kevin shoved against it and was kissing him. It had been months, but both knew immediately how to fit their mouths together again, tongues slipping between parted lips and hands sliding into hair and gripping clothes to bring them closer.
Hugo stepped away from a breathless Kevin and gestured for them to sit on the bed together.
“What was that for?” Kevin asked with a smirk.
“Your note. Thank you.”
Kevin shyly looked down at the worn knee of his jeans and reached out tentative fingers toward Hugo’s. “I’m glad you liked it. I haven’t really known how to tell you all of that, but I’ve been feeling it since this summer. And I’m sorry about Tricia. I really am. I’ve tried to put the brakes on that as much as I can and still keep her around because my dad is a perpetual ass.”
“I’ve heard some rumors.” Hugo could feel his own face souring.
“Well, they’re probably not true, considering the ones I’ve heard.” Kevin sounded pissed.
“So you aren’t having sex?”
Kevin shook his head and boosted his answer with, “No. She wants to and won’t take no for an answer, but I keep playing the innocent boy who wants to wait. I might have to start talking about God’s plan for me or something like that so she stops. But she’s agreed to help me with my dad. She’s even willing to say I’m over at her house if I’m over here.”
“Kevin. What does she know?” Hugo was freaked. “I mean. Does she know we’ve… you know…?”
“No, no, no. Nothing like that. Homework. That’s it. I never told you this because I thought it was insulting, but my dad wouldn’t let me come over here to help you with homework unless I charged you for tutoring. It was stupid, but after your dad died, I just started lying to him, saying I was with Tricia so he’d think I was with her instead of you.”
“You lied to your father?” Hugo asked, not quite believing it.
“Yeah. Demand stupid things for long enough, and I’m eventually gonna lie. Not that I hope he finds out. I hope he won’t
ever
, because who knows what he’d do then. I’m not willing to see, but my mom will stand up for me if he does. I’m doing photography for the yearbook now, so I have another excuse to get out of the house without Tricia on my arm. Anyway….”
“Don’t let him change you, Kevin. Don’t let his bullshit change who you are.”
Hugo took a good, long look at Kevin, studying his full lips, which were flushed from their kiss. His eyes were still the smoldering gray Hugo loved so much, and they were smiling at him as he gave Hugo a little nod.
“So is Tricia your
girlfriend
girlfriend, or does she just play one on TV?” he finally asked, needing to know what was really going on inside Kevin’s head.
The smile fell from Kevin’s face entirely and was quickly replaced by a look of shame or guilt. He picked at a few loose threads on Hugo’s comforter before he wiped his palms across his knees.
“She’s my girlfriend according to the rest of the world, but to be honest, I don’t want her to be. I don’t want a girlfriend. I want a boyfriend right now, but I can’t. I want you, Hugo. Just you.”
“I see,” Hugo said, unable to make eye contact because he felt like he had a hole beneath his sternum. It was the best and the worst of both worlds.
“I know it’s a shitty thing to tell you,” Kevin said. “I’ve tried to keep it inside and just… I don’t know what I’ve been trying to do. Survive, I guess. But I’m not happy unless I’m with you, even if all we’re doing is ridiculous amounts of homework and nothing else. I wasn’t lying when I told you I feel serenity with you.”
“And what do you feel with Tricia?” Hugo wondered.
Kevin flopped down on Hugo’s bed and stared at the ceiling. “I suppose in a way I feel safe or protected because she gets my dad off my case. He’s eased up a lot since she started coming around. She’s nice. She easily gets me when I’m pissed at my dad because she has a controlling, overprotective dad too. You know the saying, ‘misery loves company’? But she makes me nervous and defensive too, like I always have to be on guard, afraid of her trying something I don’t want.”
Hugo lay beside Kevin and mirrored his position but with his feet near Kevin’s head. He reached for Kevin’s fingers and allowed them to slot together. “If you could have anything in the entire world, and your dad wouldn’t find out, what would it be?” he asked and then closed his eyes, afraid of how Kevin would answer.
Kevin’s fingers tightened around Hugo’s as he thought. Time seeming to move at a glacial pace. He turned onto his side, pressing his cheek to Hugo’s shin.
“I’d have things go back to how they were last summer. I’d still work with you, but school would have to happen too. I’d get done with the yearbook and eat supper and come over here and spend the first hour doing homework and then spend the next one just kissing your mouth until my lips hurt. And I’d touch you again.” Kevin’s free hand skimmed up the side of Hugo’s thigh, fingers curling around his waistband when his hand made it that far up. “I’d explore your skin with my mouth and my tongue and my teeth.” His voice was getting breathy, and Hugo could feel Kevin’s erection pressing against his arm. “And I’d ask to sleep over, telling you I was too tired to drive home, but really, I’d just be lying. I’d lie so I could sleep next to you in this tiny bed so I could press up tight against you.”
Kevin’s hips tilted forward as he grazed his cock against Hugo’s arm. Hugo was speechless, squeezing his eyelids even tighter so he could picture everything Kevin talked about. He wanted that too. All of it.
“And I’d pretend to be too hot so I could take off all my clothes and just lie there next to you all bare and naked, feeling your warm skin on mine.”
“Don’t,” Hugo begged. His cock was pressing painfully against the zipper in his tight pants.
“Why?”
“Because you can’t. You have a girlfriend.”
“You asked me what I wanted. You asked me to dream, and I did. I do.”
“Is there a way you can have all that
and
a girlfriend?” Hugo asked, allowing his longing to linger around the question.
Kevin was silent, pulling his hips back from Hugo’s arm, probably so he wouldn’t be tempted to thrust again.
“Maybe. I mean, she did talk about not being steady one time. It was because she was frustrated I wouldn’t fuck her. I think she was suggesting it to try to manipulate me into having sex, but maybe she’s serious.” Kevin sat up on a bent elbow and looked down at Hugo with curious hope. “Would you?”
“Would I what?” Hugo asked cautiously as he sat up.
“If she was willing to do that, be open to dating other people, would you want to… to be with me again?” Kevin was so serious, the look on his face so determined.
Hugo didn’t know exactly how he felt about the proposition, but he wanted this to be more than just the two of them fucking around. It would mean he and Kevin could be together, and that would be amazing, but….
“Would it be a secret? Because I’m not willing to come out in Austin. At least not now,” Hugo stated. “I mean, it’s not that I’m embarrassed about being gay or of being with you. I just don’t trust people in this town.”
“Oh, I’m not ready to tell people about this.”
“Not even Tricia? I mean, wouldn’t you have to tell her? Or maybe she’d suspect something if you were suddenly open to this and then started spending more and more time with me. What if she figured it out?” It worried Hugo. He wanted this, even if it did mean he had to share Kevin, but not at the risk of getting beaten up or bullied at school.
He’d had long talks with his sister about this exact thing since he came out to her, and she agreed being discreet until he was at college was probably the smartest thing, even if it meant he had to lie and not be entirely himself at school.
What a sad thing to learn how to do as a kid just to survive, but at least he could be himself at home, unlike Kevin.
“She knows you’re my best friend. Well, at least she does now. She was surprised at first because we didn’t talk for a while there. She’s seen it since, though. And she knows I’ve been coming over in the evenings to help you. I don’t think she’d suspect we were more than friends. Why would she?”
“Well, if you go to her and say you want to go out with other people, won’t she expect you to
date
other people?”
“I was going to tell her
she
could. Maybe I could fake date someone from Albert Lea or Rochester or Owatonna. Mankato, even. Somewhere close enough to drive but not so close she could easily check up on me. You know what I mean?”
Hugo nodded but then looked worried.
“I feel like I need more rules or something. Like, can I see other people if I meet someone?” Hugo asked with a shrug. He didn’t want to date anyone else, but he was afraid to ask Kevin if they could simply be boyfriends to each other and no one else.
Kevin’s eyes grew wide, but he bit his lip and nodded. “Yeah. It’s only fair, right?”
“Yes. Especially if she still wants to fool around with you. And if anyone has sex, you have to use a condom no matter what.”
“That’s just smart.”
“Well, I suppose you should talk to Tricia if you’re really serious about this.”
“What about you? Is this something you’d be willing to do? Seriously?” Kevin asked, easily giving Hugo a way out, he realized.
Hugo considered it for long minutes, trying to feel out how this would affect his heart, most of all. He knew his body was up for it because he was still hard. His cock would be just fine in this arrangement.
“I think I can do this,” he shared. “You might just break my heart, but it’s not like I’ve been living the life of happiness this school year. I may as well get some pleasure out of something, even if I can’t have one hundred percent of Kevin Magnus.”
“You look so sad when you say that. Maybe this isn’t a good idea. I’m being really selfish.”
“No. It’s just hard to watch you kiss her at school, but I haven’t seen you do that in a long time.”
“So what you don’t know won’t bother you? Is that what you’re saying?”
Hugo smiled and chuckled softly. “Maybe.”
T
HE
next evening Kevin walked into Hugo’s house and smiled as he kicked off his shoes. Hugo grabbed them each a pop from the fridge before they headed to his bedroom and got comfortable on the bed, like usual, to do their homework. Hugo pulled out his Advanced Algebra to study for their test the following day and was just about to ask a question about their exam when Kevin cleared his throat.
“She said yes.”
“Oh? What happened?”
“There’s this college guy she’s been curious about. I guess she met him at some party, and they’ve been talking on the phone every night. She asked if I had someone in mind, but I told her I just wanted to give her the option to see other guys since I wasn’t willing to give her everything she wanted right now. I thought she was going to break up with me, not that that would’ve been the worst thing in the world, but she thought this would be better. Her dad thinks I’m fairly safe, and he won’t let her date college guys, so we’ll still
date
,” he said, using finger quotes. “PDAs for show might still happen at school, and I’m sorry about that. But she really wants to give it a go with this guy, and she agreed to put us on ice otherwise. So I guess it’s a mutually beneficial fake relationship.” Kevin shook his head as if disgusted.
“What’s wrong?”
“I feel like my dad, using people to make some sort of deal.”
“It’s not like we don’t all know what’s going on. You aren’t keeping secrets or lying anymore. Well, for the most part.”
“Yeah. You’re right.” Kevin abruptly shifted gears, obviously ready to think of something else. “So during the review today, remember we talked about….”
W
INTER
break was amazing. Not only was Tricia gone for the entire thing, but so was Kevin’s father. When Hugo wasn’t obligated with family get-togethers, Kevin and he could spend time together.