Summer was quietly leaning over the side of the canoe, trying to reach the cool water without tipping the canoe, it seemed. She rested her head on her arm and started to softly hum to herself.
Hugo leaned back again and closed his eyes, enjoying the heat of the day without the direct sunlight. He heard Jet Skis and speedboats in the distance, far enough away so their waves didn’t disturb the unstable canoe.
“I think you’re right.” Hugo cracked an eyelid at Summer’s declaration. “I mean, I think I’ve been doing it since college. Do you remember that gorgeous redhead, Russ?”
“How could I forget? Creamy-white skin, eyes like ice, a dirty mouth that set you on fire, and me by proxy every time you shared his words.”
“Yeah,” Summer said in a breathy voice as she appeared to get lost in memories, but then quickly brought herself back. “Maybe I’m misremembering.”
“Misremembering?” Hugo snorted at the unusual word choice.
“Don’t be a dick. Yes, I’m misremembering. Just go with me here.”
“Okay.” He smirked, loving how easily she brushed his teasing aside in favor of focusing on her memories.
“He was so creative. I remember this one night. There was a group of us over at his place listening to him play the guitar and talking about what we would do if we ever had studio time. We all ended up heading over to a recording studio he knew of somewhere on campus in a building I’d never seen. He basically sat there writing music with input from everyone, wrote lyrics, and then helped us all learn different parts, even taught me how to play the bass line on the guitar, and we recorded it in one night. Five songs from scratch in one night. I mean”—she sighed, her eyes glassy—“he was amazing. And gah! In bed, he knew exactly what he was doing. He wasn’t afraid to try new things. He was generous… flexible… kinky.”
Summer closed her eyes, and a contented smile spread across her face as she obviously got lost in her memories. Hugo gave her the time to go there, to wade around in such happy history. He’d certainly been allowing himself the same thing with his history with Kevin.
“I ended up breaking up with him because he spent so much time writing music or in the studio, and he seemed to always be distracted around me, like he couldn’t wait to get back. I felt like I came second to his music. How could I compare? I never made him feel that inspired.”
“Oh babe. You sell yourself short all the time. I bet you did inspire him, but it hurts to feel ignored or second-best. That’s never good.”
“Yeah, but he was in college and was finally given the freedom to really explore his talent. He had access to tools at the university he could’ve never afforded on his own. I’m sure he was on a high just from the technology alone.” They both laughed, Summer’s ending with a note of sadness. “I get that now. Back then, I didn’t. I was so practical. I just wanted to get my teaching license so I could find a job and start living. Russ was
already
living.”
“Regret?”
She nodded with her eyes closed. When she opened them, she admitted, “Gigantic regret. I was young and stupid, and I thought I was being mature. Aside from feeling passion over his work—and I realize it was passion now because you have the same thing—he was the perfect boyfriend.”
“Are you sure you aren’t just misremembering?” Hugo smirked.
“Nope. I shot myself in the foot even when it was good.”
“I shot myself good and hard with Kevin. He had a girlfriend in high school. At first I thought she was just a friend because of how we were together, but the more I heard and saw things, I realized he and Tricia were actually dating. It wasn’t just for show. We quit talking because of it, and when we started spending time together after my dad died, it was weird.”
“That sounds far from perfect, if you ask me.”
“Not perfect. No. But with Kevin I didn’t need perfect. I just needed Kevin. Besides, at the time, Kevin didn’t have the strength to be himself. It was his dad. Well, it was Kevin, but his dad was a total prick, and Kevin didn’t know how to deal with him aside from folding. He pressured Kevin to be perfect, and having a beautiful girl on his arm was part of the flawless package. One of the things he admired about me was that I was willing to be myself. And I was so far from the real me. I wasn’t even out yet. I was so far from who I am today. But he loved me. I really think he did. When it was just us, everything worked. It was when other people were around that it all got fucked to hell and back.”
“You can’t have a relationship in a bubble. Even Danny and Sandy at the beach had to change when they went back to Rydell High, and it was never the same sweet, innocent love again. She had to sex herself up to get his attention. The bastard.”
Hugo gave a sharp laugh, causing the canoe to rock. “Geez, Summer.
Grease
references?”
“Give me another second. I’m not done,” she sassily snapped, forcing Hugo’s hands up into the don’t-shoot position. “And Danny starts running track, not to mention wearing that hideous letter sweater. All of those changes, those compromises, when they had
already
fallen in love at the beach. Why, I ask you? Why?” she finished with a flourish, all topped off with a gentle bow.
Hugo started clapping, smile wide and happy. “You, fair lady of mine, are about as wonderful as they come. Do you know that?”
With a quick shrug, Summer said, “I guess I am.” Then she blew him a kiss.
“So, what’s the moral of the story?” Hugo asked with a smirk.
“Be me. Don’t change. Expect to be treated right. But don’t expect to find perfection, right?” she asked, suddenly sounding unsure.
“Either that or we’ll end up making babies together and being happy even if our sex lives suck.”
“Oh no you don’t. I said nothing about no longer having sex with straight men. I may want your sperm and to parent a child with you and your friendship and your cuddles, but I still want a guy to go down on me without getting squeamish because I have an actual, honest-to-God pussy.”
“You make it sound like I’m terrified of your kitty.”
“Shut it, I already know you are. Don’t pretend. You just called it a kitty, for God’s sake.”
Hugo shook his head and chuckled but didn’t argue. “Are you planning on getting back on the dating horse anytime soon or just hanging back?”
Summer shrugged noncommittally.
“I wasn’t ready for a while,” Hugo said, “but Michael and I were together longer, and you know he did a number on me. I think it’s important to take your time. Don’t rush this.”
“I won’t. I’m not really ready for anything serious. Or not serious. I feel like I need to get to know myself again. It’s been a long time since I’ve really allowed myself to be a free and single girl.”
“I like being a free and single girl,” Hugo joked. “Less pressure. I can fart whenever I want.” Summer took her oar and soaked Hugo with lake water.
Expectations, Doubts,
& Ill-Timed Vacations
Autumn 1994
“K
EVIN
!
Is that you?” Peder had shouted from his office in the back of the house just as Kevin opened the front door several weeks after Tricia and Kevin had started dating. It had already been a long day at school, and after school had been even worse. Kevin wasn’t quite ready to be yelled at by his father, but he knew if he delayed, his dad would be even more of an asshole.
“Yeah,” he hollered back.
“Get in here.
Now!
”
Kevin reached down and untied his shoes, kicking them into the front closet right on top of his dad’s Italian loafers as soon as they were loose enough. He didn’t bother taking his jacket off because he knew if he took the time, his father would yell louder and get angrier than he already obviously was. As expected, Kevin lightly knocked on the heavy wooden door that was ajar and waited until he was invited in.
“So you decided to come home,” Kevin’s dad sneered. “Were you over at
that Hugo kid’s
house again?”
He refused to answer even though he’d actually been over at Tricia’s house trying to fend her off. Kevin kept his hands behind his back in an open stance, something his father had taught him portrayed confidence rather than insecurity or guilt.
“You spend too much time with that kid.”
“Dad, he needs my help right now. He’s missed a lot of school and needs someone to help him get back on top of his schoolwork.”
Peder gave a quick grunt and glared at Kevin a moment. “That’s not
your
job. Is he paying you? Because this is a good money-making opportunity. You could charge him for tutoring. I wonder what the going rate for a tutor is? I’ll have Darlene check it out tomorrow, and you can present a pricing schematic to him. If the actor can pay, then great. If not, you need to focus your time and energy in other places, like your own schoolwork or that lovely girl Tricia.”
This wasn’t the first time Kevin’s dad made an insinuation about Hugo and it wouldn’t be the last. Unfortunately, the implications were becoming more frequent and much more harsh. Kevin always kept his face as placid as he could because about the last thing he wanted to do was give his father any new information. When Peder Magnus picked up on a scent, he didn’t let go until he sniffed it out. Kevin felt like a marked man.
Kevin wanted to argue, to tell him there was no way in hell he was going to fucking charge his friend for getting together to do homework. It was ridiculous. They studied
together
. Sure, it often took Kevin longer to do his homework because he had to take time out to explain concepts and formulas to Hugo before they could get to work on actual problems, but by doing so, he reinforced a better understanding of his own homework. In the end, the real time he spent working on assignments had decreased dramatically.
And he was already spending enough time with Tricia. She was cute and nice, but she had only about four topics she was willing to talk about lately. He was done hearing about the latest cheer routines she was planning on using during her senior year, and the drama in her friends’ lives was dizzying. She talked a lot about how excited she was for college and escaping from the oppression of her parents, especially her dad, which Kevin could easily talk to her about, but that was about it. Sex was the other topic of discussion, and he did everything in his power to redirect those conversations.
Tricia was pushing hard to have sex. Kevin had tried to derail her by talking about not wanting to take advantage of her or make her feel pressured. “I respect you, Tricia, and I’ll wait. I’m not in a rush,” he’d told her, but apparently Tricia was the one in a rush, not wanting to be a virgin when she left for college. It was harder and harder to keep her off his dick. So, spending more time with Tricia wasn’t where Kevin wanted to be at all.
But that’s not what he told his father. Instead, he said, “Yes, Father. I’ll focus more on my studies and spend more time with Tricia.” He knew if he didn’t say this and refused to give up his time with Hugo, his father would expect proof of payment for tutoring, most likely in the form of a deposit receipt or check.
His father beamed at him with pride and dismissed him with, “Just like your old man.”
He sincerely hoped he wasn’t.
He’d thought dating Tricia was a smart move when she asked him to the homecoming dance, but the longer it went on the worse it seemed. She wasn’t who he wanted to spend time with at all, but it had seemed logical at the time. Hugo was at work every day after school, and Tricia had taken an interest in him.
Maybe it was because Kevin was the new guy at school. He was different, mysterious, she’d joked. Then again, Tricia had gone to school with nearly everyone in the high school her entire life, so some fresh meat was probably nice to consider. But when he found out who her ex-boyfriends were, he was surprised. Kevin was nothing like them. She preferred guys with short, buzzed hair whose muscles bulged. Football or hockey players—at least the hockey players who didn’t have mullets. Kevin was long and thin and not anywhere near the hypermasculine guys she was used to. But something about him had made Tricia pursue him those first weeks of school.
She was Kevin’s type. Dark hair, fair skin, lean, and curvy. Especially the pale skin.
He’d thought he had been managing things with Tricia well enough until Hugo had confronted him, asking what was really going on between them. He’d noticed the hurt in Hugo’s eyes and immediately suspected he had seen him touching or kissing Tricia in public. Kissing was expected. They were dating after all, and Tricia made it very clear she wanted to be kissed, often pulling him against her while they stood at her locker or by her car.
When Kevin had first kissed Hugo in the woods, it had freaked him out, sending doubts and fears spiraling around him. He’d started questioning who he was even though he’d managed to bury those doubts so he could explore his sexuality freely with Hugo during the summer. The attention Tricia initially gave him had been flattering, and he’d really felt attracted to her, sending more seeds of doubt into his mind.
What if he’d initially kissed Hugo to rebel against his father? Or maybe he was only with Tricia to appease his father. He had a hard time sorting out his own feelings with the omnipresence of his dad, and he felt horribly guilty about that. He hadn’t wanted to treat either Tricia or Hugo like he was, but he’d felt like he’d trapped himself in a corner.
Rather than doing the right thing and telling Hugo he’d made a mistake by accepting Tricia’s invitation to homecoming and with the public displays of affection, he’d defended himself and, by proxy, his father. It had been just days prior that his father had said, “It’s not like Hugo’s your boyfriend, so why are you spending so much time with the kid? Tricia is where you need to invest your time and attention. You can go places with her. I like her.”
Kevin had known Tricia took attention away from his mounting interest in Hugo, which was initially a good thing, but now all the time he spent with her just made Kevin obsess about Hugo. He was more interested in Hugo than ever. And his interest was getting to the point that he actually wanted to mount Hugo or for Hugo to mount him. He dreamed of Hugo at night. Wonderful dreams and horrible ones. He didn’t want to lose Hugo, but he was even more afraid of losing Tricia and giving his father yet another reason to be disappointed in him.