Kevin had to do something when Hugo confronted him, so he’d defended his position, using his father as an excuse in his flawed logic to try to dismiss Hugo’s hurt. He hadn’t realized he would be pushing Hugo away entirely and doing exactly what his father had probably intended all along.
It had hurt Kevin more than he was willing to ever admit when Hugo had cut off all contact, even refusing to look at him anymore. Kevin would watch Hugo arrive in classes or the lunch room, walking with purpose, making eye contact with a friend as if they were the lifeline towing him to the opposite side of the room, saving him from whatever Kevin’s gaze might do if they accidentally looked at each other. He’d get engaged in conversations with people around him and quickly leave when the bell rang so he could avoid Kevin altogether.
Then, at times, he was gone from school entirely. Kevin often headed to Hormel to see if Hugo would arrive at work on those afternoons, to see if they could talk before Hugo went in to work his shift, but he never showed.
Kevin had accidentally left an essay in his locker while he was at gym class one day, so he had to quickly head back to the locker room to get it before English. His economics teacher had allowed him to leave early since his assignment for the following day was already done. When he arrived, guys were walking between the shower and the rows of lockers to get dressed for their next class. He went to his locker and opened it, relieved to find the typed assignment still dry and unsmudged in the damp room.
He bent to retrieve it when he heard, “Kevin’s totally fucking Tricia. She plays sweet and innocent, but Todd Jones was in her pants on their first date and fucked her on the next.”
Kevin stood, ready to walk to the other side of the locker bay to confront the boy who had no clue what he was talking about, but the bell rang, and the mass exodus of the locker room started. He didn’t know who had spoken, didn’t recognize the voice.
He did recognize the haunted look in Hugo’s eyes when he spotted him in the hallway a few minutes later, hair still dripping from his shower. That had been Hugo’s gym class, and he most certainly heard what the boy had said. When he tried to reach Hugo, he was blocked by a flock of giggling freshman girls who seemed to swarm in front of him, not giving him an exit route to get to Hugo before he disappeared.
Not that Kevin had any idea what he would’ve even said to Hugo.
It’s not the truth.
What good would that even do? But it made Kevin wonder what other things had been said that he didn’t know about. He and Tricia had been dating for a month. What had people been saying? What had Hugo seen, for that matter? More often, Tricia was making out with him at school, yanking his head down by wrapping her fingers in his hair. It hurt, so he followed and kissed her. How many times had Hugo seen displays like that or heard rumors about his and Tricia’s false sexual exploits?
Hugo looked lost. He looked sad and flat. And then his dad died.
Kevin’s father had a stupid trip planned for the family the day after Hugo lost his dad because there were a few days off from school for a teachers’ convention. Surrounded by the aqua-blue water and white sands of the Hawaiian Islands, Kevin wanted nothing to do with any of it.
He watched as his father sat behind his mom, rubbing sunscreen across her shoulders and down her arms as he pressed kisses against the exposed skin of her neck. Then he urged her to lean back on his chest while he talked to Kevin about the activities available at the resort.
How could his dad do that, be so affectionate with his mom and then so cold and hard with Kevin? Why couldn’t his dad even manage a bit of compassion for him?
“What time’s your massage, love?” Peder asked Linda in a gentle voice that made Kevin roll his eyes.
“Three. What were you planning on doing this afternoon?”
“I was hoping to entice Kevin to go scuba diving,” Peder said so his voice carried, raising a brow as he looked at Kevin.
“Not interested,” Kevin said.
“Bob Anderson said the fish were beautiful, and he and his son had a great time when they were here this summer.”
“I’m still not interested. I just want to hang on the beach and relax.”
“Jesus Christ, Kevin,” his dad practically roared, causing his mom to scoot forward in the beach chair. “You can really be an ungrateful, spoiled son of a bitch, you know that? There’s something to be said about playing hard after working hard.”
“Peder,” Linda warned, looking back and forth between him and Kevin, but that didn’t stop Peder.
“This is a reward to you, for keeping your grades up, for making such a smooth transition to a new city, and for fitting in so well at a new school, not to mention the effort you’ve put into your accounting class. You’re acting as if I’ve strung you up by your toenails and tortured you.” Even when Peder Magnus tried to be nice, he was an ass.
“Peder, stop,” Kevin’s mom defended him, gentle pressure from her palm pressed to Peder’s forearm. “His best friend lost his father yesterday. He doesn’t care about scuba diving right now.”
Kevin stood from his beach chair and gave his mom a grateful look before he walked silently back to their room. He didn’t want to hear anything else his father had to say. He just wanted to be away from the man he would never understand, the man who would never take the time to ever really get to know his own son. Instead, he lay on the bed in their suite and thought about how alone Hugo must feel.
Kevin knew how important Hugo’s father was to him. Even if Hugo didn’t talk a lot about him, he wore his emotions on his sleeve. When Kevin had gone off on how awful his own father was, Hugo listened but was always there to pull him back and help him redirect his anger. That was probably another reason Tricia felt so comfortable to Kevin; he could bitch about his asshole of a father without feeling guilty as hell. Bitching to Hugo felt like breaking some unwritten rule. You just shouldn’t complain about your dad to someone who was losing his own father, plain and simple. Tricia’s dad was healthy as an ox, and she easily joined in.
Kevin now realized that Hugo had truly tried to see things from Kevin’s perspective with respect to his father, even when Hugo’s feelings had been hurt because of Kevin’s involvement with Tricia. Hugo had put his hurt aside as long as he could so Kevin could get along with his own father, even reluctantly accepting Tricia’s presence.
A soft knock sounded on his closed door. He turned to face it before telling whoever it was to come in. Kevin’s mom came and sat beside him on the bed, rubbing her tiny hand against his back.
“He didn’t know about Hugo’s dad, Kevin. He thought you were just being inexplicably moody, but I explained the situation.”
“Yeah. I bet he still didn’t get it, did he?” Kevin challenged.
Kevin’s mom looked at him with very sad eyes. “I don’t think he understands your relationship with Hugo. Your father hasn’t ever really had a friend like that.” The way she said it made Kevin’s heart race and his stomach clench. Did they know? He tried to make his face impassive. “Dad’s more of a networker, a partnership person than a friendship person. He has a hard time letting anyone in besides family. I think if you were to ask him, he would say his best friend is Uncle Erik or Aunt Kirsten.”
Kevin’s terror subsided as she continued to speak, but he was still frustrated. Why did everyone have to tiptoe around his dad? Kevin hadn’t wanted to leave Minnesota and had even found the strength to ask his father if he could stay home, only to be shot down. That’s what probably led to his dad’s easy anger over scuba.
“Well, I’m not him. I do have friends, and I want to be there with Hugo right now. He needs me. You should’ve seen him, Mom. He was lost. He refused to let go of my arm when I walked him to the office, and that’s why I ditched Chem that day. I know he’s been expecting this for months, but still. And I’m pissed at Dad.”
“Why?”
He sat up and looked at his mom with fierce, watery eyes. “Because he’s the reason I haven’t been spending time with Hugo. Dad told me I had to start charging Hugo for tutoring. He gave me a stupid rate sheet to show Hugo, and he won’t let me leave in the evenings unless Tricia comes to the door. It’s somehow okay to spend my free time making out with Tricia but not with Hugo doing homework because I’m not getting paid. I don’t get it!”
“Oh babe. I had no idea. I’ll have a talk with him. I think you’re old enough to choose who you spend your time with.”
“He’ll just twist his reasoning around into some crazy logic that makes us both think, ‘Wow, when he says it like that, it sounds like a great idea.’ But it won’t be. He plays mind games with both of us, and I’m fucking sick of it.”
“He has his own ideas on how things should work.”
“I just don’t get what’s wrong with me hangin’ out with Hugo, even if we weren’t doing homework. It’s like Dad doesn’t give a shit about me.”
“He loves you, Kevin, but he’s not very good about showing it in ways that makes sense to you.”
Kevin scoffed. “You can say that again.”
Kevin’s mom pushed her fingers through his long hair to slip it behind his ear and off his neck. It was something she used to do to soothe him when he was a little boy and still had blond curls she had been too heartbroken to cut off until he was five and ready for kindergarten. That’s when his father insisted he get a
boy’s
haircut for school so no one would get any ideas about his son or himself. Both his mom and Kevin had cried when the first towheaded curl hit the ground. It might’ve been the real reason Kevin refused to cut his hair now. He relaxed into her touch, lying down again, and allowed his eyes to close.
Reflection. Everything Kevin did was supposedly a reflection on his father. Kevin wondered when he’d be allowed to finally make his own decisions, make his own mistakes, suffer through his own consequences, and stand on his own without his father standing in the wings judging. Time and time again his father loomed into his space, taking credit for Kevin’s successes as his own but being the first to criticize and tell him he wasn’t working hard enough or doing things the “right” way when something wasn’t perfect.
All Kevin wanted was to hear the words “I’m proud of you” once without there being a “but….” attached along with a list of all the other things he could’ve done to improve upon his performance or appearance or choice in friends. Or maybe to have his dad hug him or take the time to find out what Kevin thought about things going on in his life.
His father hadn’t even given Hugo a chance, dismissing him outright because he wanted to be an actor and had an uncommon name. He’d even used a few derogatory words to describe Hugo as the weeks had gone by, calling him limp-wristed or a fairy, even joking about the way Hugo dressed, which wasn’t so unusual. Well, maybe he didn’t insist on the uniform of jeans and a Western shirt or a flannel and would wear well-fitted pants in brighter colors that were more noticeable than the standard indigo-blue, light-stonewash, or black. But he did so with short- and long-sleeved T-shirts layered on top of each other, nothing crazy, and leather shoes with silver buckles rather than beat-up Converse or cowboy boots. He dressed more like the guys on college campuses Kevin had been to than the high school boys in Austin. At least that’s how Peder had seen him dress. At school it was always just plain old jeans.
“Shhhh,” Kevin’s mom soothed. “Just relax and take a nap if you want. I’ll deal with your father.”
That sounded like a good idea.
Sure enough, she worked her magic like no one else in the world could, and Kevin’s father was manageable the rest of the vacation, even if he was still short with Kevin from time to time. When they flew back to Minnesota on Sunday and were finally in the car heading home in the dark, Kevin wondered if he’d missed the funeral. Hugo’s mom hadn’t made any plans yet when he’d dropped Hugo off at home last Wednesday after Hugo had gotten the news in school.
The newspaper was delivered in the early morning light on Monday. Kevin headed into the house and started poring over the pages. He found Jim Thorson’s obituary and read through it.
His dad arrived in the kitchen, poured himself a cup of coffee, and sat across the table just as Kevin finished reading. Peder pulled the opened newspaper toward him and scanned the page. He looked up at Kevin and studied him critically. He took a sip of black coffee and then pointed at Kevin.
“You won’t miss school for the funeral. You got it?”
Kevin bit his lip and nodded. “Yes, sir.”
His dad took a few more sips, all the while studying Kevin’s face, looking for the defiance he was hoping to see, Kevin was sure. He wouldn’t give his dad the satisfaction.
After his dad had left for work, his mom arrived in the kitchen, and Kevin pushed the paper toward her.
“I’d like to go, but Dad said no.”
“Don’t worry about it,” his mom said the second she saw the obituary. “I’ll call the school and say you’ll be arriving late today. Hugo needs you there.” Even if she wasn’t always there for him, his mom was there when he needed her most. If nothing else, she showed him that he still had some control, even if he had to be covert about it.
A Clusterfuck, Extra Credit,
& Candy Canes
A
S
K
EVIN
sat in the church pew beside his mom, watching Hugo speak about his father with wet eyes, needing to stop to swallow or wipe tears away so he could continue, Kevin squeezed his hands together in a tight knot until it hurt.
But Hugo’s words, they hurt even more.
“My dad let me be me. And he loved me in spite of all of my faults. And there is no greater gift a father can give to his son or his daughter. Thank you, Dad, for loving… just me.”
Just me
, Kevin thought. The words struck a chord with him and seemed to reverberate again and again over the coming days.
The first, and most obvious, had been with his father, once again, when he told Kevin he needed to have even greater discipline in his work, striving to be more or better if he was going to be competitive in the modern marketplace. His dad was going off again about Kevin’s hair, telling him he was a disgrace because it was long.