Something Like Summer (42 page)

“
You will
eventually.”

“
Not if I can’t remember
safety procedures, or what drink someone ordered.” Jace frowned.
“And not before the other surgeries.”

A MRI had revealed two
other aneurysms, not yet ruptured, that would have to be removed.
The doctors wanted to give Jace a few months between surgeries to
make sure he recovered from each. The plan was sensible, but Ben
could understand how it made Jace feel like a ticking time
bomb.

“
I’m just glad to finally
have you home so much,” Ben said, leaning on his arm. “Nearly
losing you was a pretty hefty price, but I’m willing to reap the
rewards now.”

Jace smiled and pulled him
closer. “Maybe I can get a job at one of the check-in counters.
Lifting luggage would be good physical therapy and the computer
does the rest.”

“
Stop talking about work,
you jerk! I’m trying to have a romantic moment here.”

Jace laughed. Together they
watched the ducks slowly lose interest and swim away.

* * * * *

“
Come here.”

Ben looked up from his
script. Jace was standing there, his hand held out to
him.

“
Come to bed with
me.”

“
We just got up,” Ben
said, checking his watch.

“
Come.”

Ben took his hand and
followed. He understood what this was about. There were only a few
days until Jace’s next surgery, and they both had been tense all
week. Jace had lost his temper a few times, nothing major, but for
him even the slightest bit of anger was a transgression.

“
We’re okay,” Ben assured
him as he sat on the bed. Samson blinked at them sleepily, before
continuing his nap.

“
No, we’re not,” Jace
said. He wouldn’t let go of Ben’s hand. He pulled him down,
wrapping Ben’s arm tightly around himself so they were pressed
together.

“
What’s going on?” Ben
asked. He could feel Jace’s heart thudding against his
arm.

“
My head hurts,” Jace
swallowed back tears. “Just like last time.”

Ben tried to get up but
Jace wouldn’t release him.

“
Just stay with me,” Jace
pleaded. “It was a miracle I made it last time. I’m not going to
again.”

“
You don’t know that!” Ben
pleaded.

“
You know the statistics
as well as I do.”

Only fifty percent survive
an aneurysm. Of those only another fifty percent survive the
surgery, and the chances of making a full recovery without
complications were even slimmer. Ben had repeated those facts in
his head over and over again. He could only imagine how often Jace
had.

“
Please, I don’t want us
to argue, not now, and I don’t want to die in a
hospital.”

“
Jace.”

“
Please do this for me. I
love you, Ben.”

Ben held him and kissed
him, and told him a hundred times how much he loved him. He didn’t
stop, even when Jace’s breath became ragged. He held him until his
body ached with discomfort and his stomach grumbled with hunger,
long after Jace had stopped breathing. When the last of the light
had left the room, Ben took Samson and shut the door behind
him.

* * * * *

That the sun still rose the
next morning was incredibly unjust. Someone good had died. People
still woke up, had breakfast, went to work, and it was wrong.
Flower petals still opened in the sun’s early light, and animals
still grazed the day away, their minds untroubled. Someone good had
died and the world had the audacity to move on.

Ben refused to. He no
longer ate, and when he drank it wasn’t to give his body nutrition.
He didn’t read, he didn’t watch TV, he didn’t entertain himself. He
didn’t work, shower, or clean the house. The only task he allowed
himself was making the necessary arrangements for Jace’s body, and
even that was quickly taken over by Allison when she discovered the
state he was in.

Ben knew he would die of a
broken heart long before the funeral. If he didn’t, he would find
another way to be with Jace again, no matter how extreme. Ben had
never given much thought to the afterlife, but now it was his
obsession. If he could get there, they could be
reunited.

Three days after Jace’s
death, Ben realized he hadn’t fed Samson. Everything had been
forgotten in his grief, but the cat’s yowling could no longer be
ignored. He wavered uncertainly before opening the can of cat food.
What was to become of Samson? Who would take care of him after Ben
was gone? Someone would, surely, but what if he was unwanted or
mistreated? Jace had loved Samson more than anything and wouldn’t
want to see him with strangers. What was Ben going to do, kill the
cat before he killed himself?

Samson began meowing
desperately as Ben tried to make up his mind. The cat had been
aloof and unhappy the last couple of days, but obviously he still
wanted to eat. Ben opened the can, his mouth watering at the smell.
Hunger hit him hard, causing his stomach to cramp and his head to
swim. He scooped the food out onto a plate on the floor before
opening the cupboard and grabbing a loaf of white bread.

He shoved a piece into his
mouth. The flavor was exquisite. After seventy-two hours of not
eating, he thought the spongy slice of bread a meal fit for a king.
Ben didn’t think about what he had done until he swallowed. He,
like the rest of the world, had decided to go on, and the thought
made him cry.

Ben promised himself to
never stop hurting, to never let the pain leave him. He would ache
inside and out, just as much as he did today, never letting it
fade. He would never allow anyone to believe he was okay. Time
would never heal his wounds. More than anything, he promised
himself he would never love again.

__________

Epilogue:

Austin, 2008

__________

Chapter 28

The doorbell rang again,
sounding more mechanically grumpy than it had the first two
times.

“
I’m coming, I’m
coming!”

Ben stumbled for the door,
kicking off the shoe that he had been putting on. He expected a
late-night package delivery or someone handing out religious
pamphlets as he opened the door. Instead he found an elegant woman
wearing a black sequined dress and a hairstyle complex enough to
puzzle M.C. Escher.

“
How do I look?” Allison
said, gesturing over her body like a showroom girl selling
herself.

“
Fabulous, but since when
do you ring the doorbell?” Ben asked. “ The door wasn’t locked and
you have a key anyway.”

“
We have to conduct
ourselves properly,” Allison said in her best English accent as she
glided into the house. “We are on a date, you know.”

“
Well, I still need to get
my shoes on and check my hair.” Ben found one shoe in the hall
before searching the living room for the other. “Jesus, you look
good,” he said, eyeing Allison as he tied his laces. “I think I
might be underdressed.”

“
Hm,” Allison considered
him over eyelashes that were longer than they’d been the day
before. “Do you still have that grey sports jacket?”

“
I think it’s clean, yeah.
But grey with a pink dress shirt? Isn’t that kind of
eighties?”

“
You can pull it off, and
there will be more colorfully dressed people where we are
going.”

“
I wish you would tell me
where that is,” Ben complained.

“
But that would ruin our
secret romantic mystery date!”

“
Stop calling it that,”
Ben scolded.

“
I need a date!” Allison
pouted. “They never seem to happen when you’re married.”

“
Take that up with Brian,”
Ben said as he ducked into the bedroom to find his
jacket.

“
You could use a date too,
you know,” Allison said when he returned. “It’s been two years,”
she added as delicately as possible.

Ben shrugged in his jacket,
trying to make it sit right on his shoulders. He stopped suddenly
and fixed Allison with a stare. “That’s not what you’re doing, is
it?”

“
What?” Allison asked a
bit too casually.

“
No,” Ben said, beginning
to take the jacket off. “Forget it, then.”

Allison rolled her eyes.
“I’m not fixing you up with anyone.”

“
No blind
date?”

“
Not blind, deaf,
amputated, or anything else. It’s just me and you going out for a
night on the town. Promise.”

Ben eyed her a moment
longer before feeling satisfied. He glanced over at the framed
photo of Jace on the end table. The full-length shot showed Jace
sharply dressed in his flight attendant uniform, every detail
immaculate from the white starched collar down to his pointed
shoes.

Ben smiled. He had grown
tired of Jace’s name being synonymous with sorrow. No longer would
he tarnish his memory. Jace had gone out of his way to make him
happy and it wouldn’t please him to see Ben moping around. The
memories they had made together were all that was left, and these
days Ben tried his best to find joy in them.

“
Ready?” Allison
prompted.

“
Yup.”

The roles were a bit
reversed for a traditional date. Not only was Allison driving, but
she was also paying. Ben had been happy to oblige since he was
perpetually strapped for cash these days. A meal out anywhere was
appreciated, but he was nevertheless taken aback by her choice of
dining establishment.

The restaurant was supposed
to be Cajun, but how Mexican food and karaoke factored into that
was beyond comprehension. Ben and Allison were severely overdressed
considering the rowdy vibe of the dining room, but he was at least
glad not to see any romantic hopefuls waiting at their table.
Knowing Allison, she had only chosen this dive so they could sing
together, which was fine by him. They picked over their greasy
meals before abandoning them for the stage, where they crooned a
number of their favorite songs together.

They continued singing in
the car on the way to their next destination. Ben suspected they
were going to hit a few clubs, but Allison drove them downtown to
Second Street. She found a free parking spot, acting as if she had
just won the lottery. Ben had to chuckle, envying her enthusiasm.
They walked together for a few blocks until they approached an art
gallery where people flittered in and out.

“
This is why we needed the
fancy duds?” Ben asked.

“
Mm-hm.” Allison nodded.
“Piece of gum?”

Ben accepted it from her
with suspicion. “No blind dates?” he asked again.

Allison smiled broadly, and
Ben knew it was too late. He took the gum anyway. Ben scanned the
people standing outside the gallery, looking for someone who seemed
particularly expectant or nervous. He didn’t spot
anyone.

“
We’re here to look at the
art,” Allison said innocently.

Ben glanced through the
nearest window and away again, before doing a double take. The
painting on the nearest wall was of a bulldog, bounding through a
canvas glowing with iridescent colors. Emotion raced through his
system, centered in his chest and nestled there comfortably, glad
to be home again after so many years.

“
Want to go inside?”
Allison asked gently.

“
I don’t know if I can
handle this,” Ben confessed.

“
I’ll sort of make you
anyway,” Allison whispered.

“
Okay,” Ben laughed
nervously. “Is he-- No, don’t tell me. Let’s just look at the
art.”

They browsed through the
gallery, Ben trying to focus on only the paintings, but his head
whipped around every few seconds in an attempt to spot the artist.
He recognized some of the paintings from their younger days. Others
he had never seen before, pieces from a life that he hadn’t been a
part of. One was beyond simple, a finger-painted frog on a box of
some sort, that caused Ben to laugh despite his nervousness. And
then there was the portrait of Eric, completed now and glorious in
its beauty. A small crowd of admirers surrounded it.

The teeth-grinding sound of
microphone reverb cut through the gallery. “Is this thing on? Whoa!
Too loud. Sorry.”

Ben practically ran toward
the sound of that voice. The rest of the gallery moved with him,
clogging halls and frustrating his attempts to get there first. By
the time he reached the main room, it was already half-f. Ben
stood on his toes, straining to see past the people in front of
him. The old man just ahead moved to join his wife before a portly
lady scooted to the side, perhaps sensing the laser beams shooting
from Ben’s eyes.

And there he was. Tim
Wyman. He looked fantastic. The pudginess was gone from his belly,
the tight dress shirt revealing the all-too-perfect physique that
Tim had before meeting Ryan. His jet black hair had grown out some
and was styled messily around the silver eyes that no longer looked
tired. Instead they shone with a light that Ben had only seen in
their most private moments. Those eyes were searching the crowd,
but before they found Ben, the portly woman had shifted back,
obscuring him from view.