Something Like Summer (38 page)

“
That’s it exactly,”
Allison said. “The way you feel about Tim needing you is exactly
how Jace feels about you. He’s always been there to support and
guide you, and I bet that makes him feel complete. There’s no way
he can just shrug that off. If you can’t say good-bye to Tim so
easily, then don’t think Jace cares so little about his role in
your life.”

Ben’s mind was abuzz with
this new perspective. “God, you’re awesome.”

“
I know.” Allison smiled
before getting back to business. “You can reward my excellence by
promising me something.”

“
What?”

“
Go see Jace tomorrow.
Don’t call him, just go over there, look him in the eye, and talk.
That’s all.”

Ben nodded.

The next day he began the
drive to Jace’s apartment, but then he imagined telling Jace that
he had slept with Tim. Jace would probably confess his own
infidelities then, which would hurt almost as bad. The entire
scenario sounded heart wrenching. Ben just couldn’t face it.
Allison would want a full report if he went back home, so instead
he drove to Tim’s house.

No one was home, but Ben
found the sliding door in the back unlocked. He let himself in
after allowing Chinchilla to potty in the yard. Entering the silent
home felt like unearthing a tomb that had been sealed for
centuries, one full of potential treasures and traps. As much as
Ben felt he knew Tim, he always had the nagging sensation that
there were details he didn’t know, too many thoughts kept hidden.
As Ben explored the house, he knew that he was searching for those
answers.

One thing stood out.
Despite the house being full of art, none of it was Tim’s. Even in
their youth Tim had one of his paintings on his bedroom wall. Maybe
this was a hobby he didn’t pursue anymore, but Ben found that hard
to believe. Surely he had a studio hidden away
somewhere.

Ben explored the house from
top to bottom and turned up nothing. While looking out the
staircase windows he spotted the garage. Tim never parked his car
inside, even though he still fawned over his vehicle like a beloved
pet. Ben tried the door on the side of the boxy building, but it
was locked. This led to another search. Finally he found a set of
keys in a kitchen drawer, and one worked.

The garage was flooded by
natural light from a skylight. Except for a clear area in the
center where a lone easel stood, the rest of the room was lined
with paintings, stacked three or four deep. Tim had been a busy
boy!

Ben began looking through
his work. Some pieces he recognized from the past; others were new.
Tim’s painting had become much more expressive. Some were wild and
daring, with shocks of vivid color dominating the canvas. Others
were dark, small, and claustrophobic. Is that how Tim felt when he
hid from the world? Or were they from his time alone after Eric had
died?

Then there was a third
style found in only a handful of paintings. These contained
elements of realism, usually an object in the center that was
surrounded by small wisps of color, making it glow with an etheric
light. Ben had never seen anything like it before.

The painting on the easel
was done in such style. It featured an older man who looked sickly
and tired. This was no doubt Eric, but bathed in the radiance of
Tim’s new technique, he looked more like an angel than a dying
man.

The sound of Tim’s car
pulling into the driveway snapped Ben out of his thoughts. He
hurried out the door, which was thankfully on the opposite side of
the building, just before he was spotted.

“
Wow,” Tim grinned. “Think
hard enough about something and it’ll come true.”

“
What do you
mean?”

Tim took him upstairs to
his bedroom and showed him. Afterwards, Ben lay with his head on
Tim’s chest, idly finger-tracing the lines and contours that shaped
his body.

“
What are we?” Ben
asked.

“
After that?
Exhausted.”

“
Seriously.”

“
Well,” Tim replied, “I’d
like to think that you’re my boyfriend.”

An unasked question hung in
the air. What about Jace?

“
Are you staying in Austin
after you graduate?” Ben asked, changing topics.

“
I guess so. I don’t
really want to go back to Houston. Do you?”

“
No. Do you ever
visit?”

Tim shifted underneath him.
“For the holidays, yeah.”

“
Your parents will be
surprised to see me in your life again.”

Tim didn’t say anything.
His silence spoke volumes.

“
They don’t know you’re
gay, do they?” Ben prompted.

“
Why bother telling them?”
Tim said. “They’re hardly a part of my life.”

Ben propped up on an elbow
so he could better scrutinize his would-be boyfriend. “You said you
came out!”

“
I did! To friends and
lots of other people. I don’t tell my family anything about
me.”

“
But what if they found
out?” Ben said. “Last time that almost happened you ditched me
rather than be discovered.”

“
I’ll tell them if you
want,” Tim grumped. “Am I supposed to call them right now, or can
we relax?”

Ben wanted to retort with
something smart, or ask why all of his paintings were hidden away
in the garage, but he didn’t want to ruin the afternoon. Instead he
offered to make something to eat, the cooking time buying him some
solitude to think before he served the meal. Ben debated whether or
not it mattered that Tim’s parents didn’t know. Now that Tim was no
longer dependent on them, they had no say in his life. Ben could
imagine that they weren’t close to their son. Still, it hurt him
that the one secret that had ruined their relationship the first
time was still being kept. If Tim wanted Ben to be a part of his
life, that would have to change.

* * * * *

When Ben thought of
defending his thesis, he usually imagined a trial—judges sitting
high above him in a cold and stony courtroom, scrutinizing his
every word and demanding answers to questions he had never thought
of. As he discovered Monday morning, the process was much more
relaxed than that. He faced one of his professors and two other
faculty members who were politely bored throughout his
presentation. They asked a few token questions before informing him
that he had passed. Ben was glad a graduation ceremony was still to
come—otherwise his academic career would have ended with a yawn
rather than a bang.

Ben had planned to meet Tim
in the cafeteria for lunch, but had finished earlier than expected.
He had a good idea where Tim’s current class was and decided to
meet him there instead. The halls began to fill with other students
as he reached the right area. Finally he spotted Tim. He raised a
hand and was about to call out when he saw who Tim was talking
to.

The other person had
highlighted, primped hair and clothes that were a bit too flashy
for someone not on stage. And yet, there Aaron was, chatting
casually with Tim, school books in hand. Ben practically gave a
battle cry as he ran toward them. Aaron was turning away by the
time he reached them, but Ben grabbed him by the shoulder and spun
him around.

“
You go to school here?”
Ben snarled.

“
What the hell?” Aaron
said irritably, but then his face registered recognition. “Oh god!
Leave me alone!”

He tried to pull away, but
Ben grabbed him with his other hand and tightened his
grip.

“
I thought you were from
out of town. You’re a student here, aren’t you?”

“
Ask Tim!” Aaron squealed.
“Leave me out your little love triangle.”

Ben let him go, having
heard enough. He barely spared Tim a glance as he turned to leave,
but now it was his turn to be restrained.

“
Benjamin, wait,” Tim
said. “Let me explain.”

“
You lied! And I was
stupid enough to believe you. And now Jace--” He choked on the
name, tears welling up. He wasn’t the only one. Tim was clenching
his jaw, fighting back tears of his own, but a few had already
escaped.

“
I would do anything to be
with you,” Tim said, voice strained. “Yeah, I lied, but I don’t
regret it. If that’s what it took to get you back, then it was
worth it.”

Ben barely heard his words.
He kept thinking of the pain he had put Jace through, and how much
worse it would be when Jace learned that he had been with
Tim.

Tim tried pulling him in
close, but Ben put all his strength into pushing away. He ran to
the parking lot, Tim trailing behind and saying anything he could
to get him to stay. His words fell on deaf ears until Ben was
unlocking his car door.

“
You wanted to believe the
lie.”

Ben dropped his
keys.

“
You wanted an excuse to
come running to me. You wanted your relationship with Jace to fall
apart just as much as I did.”

Ben turned and leaned
against his car for support; Tim reached out and caught him by both
shoulders. He was right. If Ben was completely honest with himself,
he knew Jace would never cheat. Especially with someone as
superficial and tasteless as Aaron. Ben had shut away any rational
thought when fighting with Jace. He did it to be free. Free to love
Tim again. But why? Jace was everything he had always wanted. Why
throw that away for a little excitement?

“
What is it with us?” Ben
asked. “Our lives are always so fucked up when we’re together. Is
that what makes us attracted to each other? It’s like those studies
where a woman meets a man on a swinging bridge over a crevice and
finds him extremely attractive, but when she sees him in a safe
environment she barely gives him a second glance. We like each
other now, but what happens when the danger dies down, when our
love is no longer forbidden or a secret? What’s left between us
then?”

“
A lot,” Tim said. “I
promise.”

“
How can I even trust you
anymore? You lie about coming out, you hide your paintings. Is
there anything real about you? Do I even know you?”

“
Don’t say that,” Tim
pleaded. “You know me. You might be the only one, but you know
me.”

“
Well, maybe I don’t want
to anymore.”

Tim let go of him. Ben
slipped into his car and roared out of the parking lot.

* * * * *

He was done. Done with
love, done with drama, done beating himself up for his own
mistakes. He threw away the cell phone and the keys to Jace’s
apartment. He would rather let Jace think he still believed he had
been unfaithful than for him to know that the opposite was true.
Allison, his forever friend, agreed to screen his calls. Tim called
every day, and soon so did Jace with graduation looming.

He made sure to be away
from home as much as possible, which was wise, because he once
found a note from Tim taped to his window and a rose from Jace on
his doorstep. Ben decided to go to Houston for the summer and
figure out what to do with the rest of his life from
there.

First he had to get through
the graduation ceremony. Allison agreed to leave after both their
names were called. Thankfully Wyman would be one of the last names
called, so Tim couldn’t follow them out if he wanted to stay for
his diploma. Tim’s calls were coming less frequently, so maybe he
had taken the hint.

Ben’s dour mood faded
during the ceremony. The stadium overflowed with the energy of new
graduates who were both eager and reluctant to start new chapters
of their lives. Ben was nervous when his name was called, proud
when he took the diploma, and nostalgic on his way down the steps.
He cheered when Allison’s name was called, and as soon as she
received her diploma and left the stage, together they ran for the
parking lot.

He saw Jace by the
entrance, looking for him, but the exit was far enough away that
they could escape without him noticing.

“
Jace!” Allison
shouted.

Ben stared in disbelief of
her betrayal.

“
It’s for your own good,”
she said and smiled. “I’m going back to party.”

She left him there as Jace
strutted over, looking sharp in his well-cut suit and holding a
bouquet of roses. Ben wanted to say something meaningful, to
apologize or simply say his name, but instead he started to
cry.

Jace kissed him, and Ben
kissed back, even though he knew he had no right. He blubbered
embarrassingly until he finally managed to ask Jace to take him
home.

“
I thought I’d take you
out to eat?” Jace suggested.

Ben shook his head as
another wave of tears hit him. “I want to go home,” he
said.

Jace made small talk in the
car, and Ben did his best to respond, but it was hard. He wanted to
be selfish and pretend that he hadn’t done what he had, but he
couldn’t. Jace deserved to know the truth, even though it would
mean the end of everything.

“
I meant my home,” Ben
said as they pulled in Jace’s apartment complex.

“
I know what you meant,”
Jace replied gently.