Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (17 page)

Each time will have its own flavor and fragrance. That’s the beauty of slow sex—you never know how it’s going to be. There’s no set routine; it’s always an unfolding according to the constellation of the moment and the presence and awareness of the parties involved.

Two hours, one hour, or half an hour will be fine if that is all you can accommodate. Periodically it is really worthwhile to give yourselves a whole day in bed, eating and showering and refreshing yourselves as needed, but continually going back to bed, lying around, cuddling and snuggling. The more you make yourselves available for experience, the more surprising, spontaneous, graceful, and flowing the bodies become—joining in relaxation and ease.

The slow sex approach includes a version of the famous conventional sexual quickie, too. Does this surprise you? Remember that slow sex is all about
how
you do something more than
what
you do. So the slow sex quickie is a conscious, harmonizing get-together or gentle congress for some minutes, anywhere from ten or fifteen to forty-five, depending on your time frame. The quickie is a gentle fusion of the genitals as described in chapter 4, in the section on soft entry without the need for erection and excitement. If there is arousal and erection, you penetrate extremely slowly, then just flow with or be with what is present.

A quickie suits occasions when there is not as much time as you’d like, but ten or fifteen minutes is feasible. Quickies can be enjoyed any time of the day—morning, afternoon, evening, or all of the above. Mornings are a perfect time to come home to yourself and anchor yourself in your inner reality before you engage with the outer world; this simple type of energy exchange has a subtle yet profound impact on the quality of your day. You will feel more positive, more alert, more alive, more happy. Quickies are also perfect for afternoon siesta hours, and a quickie at night can help send you off to a more peaceful sleep.

Frequency of Slow Sex Appointments

Slow sex needs to take place on a relatively regular basis if there is a wish to develop more sensitivity and experience its beneficial rewards. Two or three or four times a week is good, and every day is, of course, the optimum.

The more loving sex we have, the more we wish for it. The more we practice, the more insights we receive, the more we learn and understand.

If we don’t make love often enough it is easy for complacency and laziness to overshadow our good intentions, as we forget the positive effects of slow sex and how inwardly uplifted, more connected to our partner, and appreciative of life it makes us feel.

As far as regularity goes, maintaining the same time of day every day (or on designated days) will make it easier to sustain a slow sex practice. And any time of the day or night is suitable—dawn, morning, afternoon, sunset, and moonlit midnight are all perfect times. Each part of the day brings its own quality, and experimenting with time of the day or night will introduce more variety and spontaneity into the exchange. It may be easier to be fully present at certain times of the day or night, so decide on a time that works well for both of you. Personally, I have always favored mornings and fortunately my flexible schedule allows for this. It’s a juicy and inspiring way to start the day! I find my mind more empty (less cluttered by daily thoughts), my body more fresh and open, and it’s easier to fall into the innocence of being. Some men may prefer mornings as well, because at that time of day testosterone levels are said to be higher, which is something to consider if there is difficulty getting an erection. However, the option of entry without erection makes union possible at any time.

Impotence Poses No Barrier to Slow Sex

Many aspects of impotence have their basis in man’s mind. Often man equates or identifies his ability to achieve an erection with basic manhood, so when erection is lost he feels so insecure and unworthy that his whole identity can crumble. Without a hard penis, who am I?

When the causes of impotence are understood (as an excess of stimulation leading to loss of sensitivity and numbing of tissues and nerve responses), then a doorway is opened for great healing, penis rebalancing, and a slow style of sexual interchange that is based on sensitivity and not sensation. Impotence is not a dead-end road, as most people imagine or experience. I heard on television the other day that an estimated twenty million men today are regularly taking Viagra! This is a sad situation. It’s sad that so many men have erection disturbances (and certainly there are more who are not taking Viagra), but also, Viagra serves only to satisfy man’s mind (not the body, the body is simply used). Viagra fulfills the man’s psychological need to experience himself as virile and hard, even if it’s chemically orchestrated. The body is simply used as a vehicle to satisfy one of the deepest insecurities in a man—the fear of losing erection and not feeling like a real man.

From the slow sex perspective, true male authority arises through man’s capacity to be present to himself and his penis, and present to woman when he is inside her, and has nothing to do with erection per sex.

In these circumstances erection or half erection may spontaneously arise (even when man is reportedly impotent) because the interplay of dynamic and receptive forces creates the erection. Not stimulation. A magnetism arises within and between the bodies. Certainly men who have shared about their Viagra experiences with me are aware that its main value is psychological—they say having a hard-on gives self-confidence, a sense of self. At the same time, I have also been told that when using Viagra the sensitivity of the penis is not particularly enhanced, that there is not that much genuine feeling. I also understand that sometimes the erection continues after sex is over—it just won’t go down and can sometimes become painful or disturbing for the man.

Preparing the Sacred Space

As a venue for slow sex your own bedroom is perfect. If you have an extra room in your house, you may want to turn it into a love temple—specifically reserved.

• You’ll need a big comfortable bed and privacy. Sometimes couples will move their bedroom furniture around and clear away clutter so as to create more space and a fresh awareness of their surroundings.
  
• Many couples buy a new mattress. The comfort of the bed is vital if you are to spend many hours in it beyond your usual sleeping hours. A large bed with a relatively firm and supportive mattress is best. Mattresses that are too soft cause the bodies to roll toward the middle (which means the mattress gives no support), and the changing of positions and so on becomes more awkward and cumbersome.
  
• Do not restrict yourselves to beds, either. Sofas, tables, and the floor also offer suitable places for bodies in semi- and fully horizontal positions.
  
• Make your room beautiful by adding flowers, lighting candles, and spraying fragrance.
  
• Lighting can play a significant part in creating atmosphere. Use well-placed lamps in corners of the room, for example. Some level of lighting is necessary in the sense that you want to be able to see your partner’s eyes and face. Sex in the dark can also be magical sometimes, but you’ll mostly want to maintain contact with your partner’s eyes. Soft, receptive eyes are also a significant tool for remaining in the present.
  
• Music is enjoyed and valued by lovers because of its powerfully enveloping qualities that help us to relax into our bodies, enter the present, and go with the flow. At the same time, and depending on the piece of music selected, it is possible for a person to get carried away with the intensity of the music, slip out of awareness, and get caught up in making something happen. As the music gets more dramatic you may also get more dramatic. Experiment with music and no music, and observe its impact on you. Choose music that does not carry you away, but helps you to be present. Don’t use music as a habit or crutch; from time to time allow yourselves to be surrounded by sounds of silence or nature, or whatever other sounds are present in the environment.
  

Preparation and Foreplay

When you look at your calendar on the agreed-upon day and see the 8 p.m. to 11 p.m. date scheduled, you are likely to inwardly notice a smile and feel the thrill of joy and anticipation. The “knowing” can act as a kind of a subtle foreplay that inwardly prepares you for the meeting. Throughout the day you can begin to tune in to your body, especially for man in the perineum, and for woman in the breasts and nipples. These are the poles that raise male and female sexual energy, so it builds energy and vitality if you maintain an awareness in these places. Again and again, go to these places and infuse them with your breath and your awareness, as if touching and massaging yourself on the inside.

Connecting to your body and feeling alive and well in your own physical being will enhance the experience.

Sex takes place between two bodies, so begin by entering your own body with awareness and connecting with your inner aliveness.

Your increased inner vitality will have a big impact on your sensitivity and capacity to be present. You may want to take a luxurious warm bath followed by a cold shower, do some kind of exercise that you enjoy, dance a wild dance, massage yourself or exchange massage, sing a few songs, shake for fifteen minutes, maintain conscious breathing, or lie down and tune in to yourself. Anything will do, really. The idea is to channel your awareness into your body and there are a variety of ways to do so. Ritual and prayer can also be used as powerful forms of preparation to harmonize the energy and enter the present. It is not absolutely essential to prepare every time, but good to realize that preparation makes it much easier to tune in and come alive to the vibrant inner realms of the body.

Tools, Not Rules

There are definitely no rules about how to practice; just follow your feelings or intuition in each situation. Be guided by your body and listen to its gentle whispers. If you feel a spontaneous urge or pull arising from your body, follow it, flow with it. Don’t hold yourself back with the thought that this is not how it is meant to be. If you hold back for even a couple of seconds the moment will be lost, the wave you might have ridden has passed through you and is now beyond reach. Any time I ever repressed myself in that way I was always the loser. Learn to trust the body and surrender to its language and undulating expression.

All the suggestions throughout this book are designed to help you keep your attention anchored in the present, to stay aware of what is taking place in each and every moment. The most significant aspect is that whatever you choose to do, you do with awareness; that is all. The guidelines offered are merely tools that can help you root yourself in your body, which is a prerequisite for experiencing slowness in sex.

HOW TO PROCEED—GETTING YOUR FIRST SLOW SEX DATE OFF THE GROUND

Here you are on your very first slow sex date and it is finally time to put theory into practice. For some of you, slow sex comes easily, almost as if it’s your second nature. It is! You find it simple to enter into a shared awareness and fall into a sensuous, non-goal-oriented exploration in which you relate to each other’s bodies in a relaxed, easy way. If this is the case for you and your partner, just keep trusting your bodies doing whatever they’re doing, always being mindful to keep a clear, cool, and conscious connection alive between you.

For others, and perhaps for most, the first slow sex encounter is going to be a bit awkward. You may even feel embarrassed or shy, at a loss for what’s supposed to happen next. This is to be expected. How can one know a language fluently without going through a period of practice, which includes much trial and error? It’s important to give yourselves a big time frame, not to try slowness just once or twice. If it’s difficult for any reason, people will tend to revert to their more familiar, tried-and-true sexual behaviors. The known becomes very attractive because it’s a sexual “comfort zone” and it’s not so comfortable to feel uncomfortable—at any time really, but particularly in sex where the ego is very identified with a certain sexual style.