Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (19 page)

Slow Penetration Step by Step

Step one:
Woman must spread her lips and can keep her hands there for some time while holding the lips apart. This clearing of the pathway allows for unimpeded penetration, graceful and highly pleasurable, especially when lubrication is used. Opening the lips will bring crystal clarity into the contact and heighten the correspondence between the dynamic pole (penis) and the receptive pole (vagina). At a certain point woman may have to move her hands away because they no longer fit between the pelvises, however I strongly recommend that woman repeat this spreading action of the lips frequently during the union, and not be shy about doing so. Man will need to pull back a few inches to allow space for woman’s hands, but the slight interruption has great rewards in terms of thrilling magnetic contact.

Step two:
The next step is for man to place the head of the penis at the entrance of the vagina and wait for a few moments. Then you can make eye contact in a gentle way and, should you wish to, you can maintain eye contact for the duration.

Step three:
And then man can, literally millimeter by millimeter, begin to glide in with utter consciousness, the focus of his awareness in the perineum as well as the head of the penis. Be aware that if woman feels the penis is entering her too fast or without a loving awareness, she will unconsciously (or consciously) tighten the vagina to prohibit deeper entry.

Stop along the way and feel the moment, as if you are pausing on a riverside walk and appreciating the waterfalls, the damp air, the silver bubbles, the silently streaming undercurrent. Slow sex enjoys and values the immediate present, what is happening for real, and not what the mind thinks should happen. The journey has a variety of moments along the way, and there is no real final destination in mind. The first (or any) penetration can last several minutes (or hours), and the penis can remain in the glory of the depths of the vagina (provided this is comfortable for woman; if not, please see chapter 8 on pain and the healing or purification of the genitals). There is no need to regularly move in and out of the vagina. When the moment feels right, all moves within the vagina should be done with consciousness and slowness. In general, rapid, friction-oriented movements are avoided, as these cause woman to shrink on a subtle level, lose her receptivity, and lead in exciting directions instead.

Through using the awareness the immediate instant is highlighted and you will find yourselves slipping into another realm, one in which you are invisibly yet powerfully connected to some higher force. You become totally engaged in, and utterly enthralled by, each and every moment. Seconds effortlessly roll into hours of flowing beauty and grace.

There should be no attempt to keep the erection going; if it fades away, then relax down into the side-scissors position (see fig. 10.2) and remain in genital union.

Fig. 10.2. In side-scissors position woman lies on her back and man lies on his side, their legs intertwined in a scissors-like fashion. Head support for both partners, as shown here, is helpful for sustained relaxation.

Without Erection: Connect Using Soft Entry

Soft penetration is suitable if there is no erection, and has been described in detail in chapter 4. Soft penetration is a perfectly valid way to begin. In fact, for many couples starting out soft becomes their standard way. From there many things can happen, including erection, but erection per sex loses its significance. In fact, my lover and I had the curious experience over many years that he would usually go in soft to start and come out hard when we had finished. Everything turns on its head when the approach to sex is simplified. Obsessions and insecurities about the need for erection gradually fade, for both man and woman, and are replaced by the simplicity and innate sensitivity of the genital connection.

Soft Penetration Step by Step

Woman can help a man to enter her, and some positions are particularly suited for soft penetration, such as the so-called side-scissors position, shown. This is a position in which both partners can be physically comfortable for an extended period and it lends itself to relaxed nondoing because neither partner is on top.

Step one:
When you are both in position the very first thing a woman should do is open the vaginal lips by moving them aside to expose the vaginal entrance.

Step two:
Then woman can reach behind the head of the penis, taking it between the index and third finger with a gentle yet firm squeeze.

Fig. 10.3. Woman’s finger position for soft penetration

Step three:
Then she lies down on her back (to keep belly relaxed and vagina open) and guides the head toward the vaginal entrance pushing the first inch or so into the vagina; even just the head is enough to start. With a little dexterity, practice, and moving the fingers back a few centimeters, step-by-step the rest of the penis can be fed into the vagina.

Step four:
Then relax back into yourselves, keeping awareness on the genital connection, breathing slowly and deeply and maintaining eye contact—not as a rule, but as a tool. You may want to close them now and then, perhaps to sink more fully into yourself.

Fig. 10.4. In a nice variation on side-scissors position man and woman can hold hands and gaze softly into each other’s eyes.

The side-scissors position is just a start and has value because both partners can relax simultaneously. However, you can alter your position at any time, according to what is needed. For example, if erection arises spontaneously, you may wish to adjust position to be more present and involved. Or you may feel movement will disturb what is taking place.

FINISH SLOW SEX BY RETURNING TO YOURSELF

Couples often tell us that once they get the knack of slow sex they sometimes find it surprisingly difficult to stop. And they ask us, “How do you, in fact, stop?” Indeed, in the beginning it can feel a bit strange to complete sex without having a climax to mark the end. An orgasm functions like a full stop at the end of a flowing sentence. However, once you become more accustomed to it, not “finishing” feels normal and not unusual in any way at all. We usually reply to such questions by explaining that you have to be practical. If you need to go somewhere or do something, then you must; just be sure to separate as you have been together—with awareness. So you simply disconnect the genitals and bodies gently and gracefully, bowing to each other, or find a way that completes the union for you.

Then take a few minutes to lie on your back and dive into your own body again, bringing all the wonder back home to yourself as an individual. I was interested to hear from a participant recently about the magnetic fields that surround a person because he had the capacity to measure such energies using a pendulum. He measured his own and his girlfriend’s individual magnetic radiance prior to making love. And then he measured them while joined in sex and established that the magnetic field was greatly increased—and much larger than the sum total of their two individual fields. Then afterward, when they were physically separated, he discovered that each individual had retained the larger magnetic field. In union they become one large field, and in separation two identical twin energy fields remained. Fascinating!

I have always found it very important to finish a slow sex encounter by coming back to myself before leaping out of bed and getting involved in the next steps required of me. If I leave the sacred space of awareness too quickly, later I find I sometimes feel a bit wobbly, fragile, or oversensitive (slightly emotional—see later in the section on issues that may arise). If there is no real or urgent need to stop having sex, then don’t! Why on Earth stop having sex? The bodies will naturally come to an easy completion in due course. When the bodies become fully engaged and get on a roll of their own, spectacular moments unfold between you, and before you know it you have been plugged in for hours on end.

How you finish is as important as how you start. Separate consciously, disconnect slowly, and come back to yourself and into your own space for several minutes.

Usually it is quite nice to have a period without physical contact so that you can reconnect with yourself as an individual. Lie down or sit and be with yourself, attention in the body and being present to the delicate sensations now streaming within you. Take fifteen or twenty minutes. If you disconnect too quickly and run off to do some urgent task, then you may later start to swing the other way. After an experience of expansion in consciousness it is good and appropriate to ground the experience in your own body, so that the opposite swing is not encouraged. When you take time for yourself and remain present in the awareness, there is a natural balancing force to any swings, and you are less likely to feel disoriented or vulnerable.

SUSTAINING YOUR SLOW SEX PRACTICE

Like any practice, slow sex needs to be sustained for a good period of time in order to reap its benefits and transformative powers. This means that to keep your slow sex commitment alive, you’ll want to make dates to meet as often as possible. Below are some guidelines to keep you on track, comfortable, and curious in your exploration. Sometimes people say that the journey looks long and arduous, and wonder how long it will take to get there. The truth is that you never get anywhere! You only get more and more here. And this cannot be a goal because your body is
already
here
.
It’s more a matter of appreciating your here-ness, getting your mind to pay attention to your body in the present moment, feeling rather than thinking, and generally shifting your perception from the outer to the inner.