Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (16 page)

A Shift in Consciousness, Not a Special Technique

Slow sex is definitely not some kind of special technique, as in a-b-c leads to x-y-z. It is not something that you
do,
but rather something that you become. You enter yourself so as to meet your own body from the inside. Slowing down in sex is based on a shift in consciousness, where the emphasis is on
how
you do something, not
what
you do.

To become slow in sex requires a mental reorientation, a new way of looking at it.

You’ll first want to understand the why and the value of trying something new in order to drop or transform the ideas and expectations commonly associated with sex.

Even with good intentions and a fresh orientation, the very first few times you meet you may feel at a bit of a loss as to how to begin. Perhaps you’ll even feel a bit confused. This is what happened to me at the outset. I also realized how strange it was that I felt very comfortable with sex when I had a specific and known routine, but as soon as any unknown element entered the picture, I got shaky and unsure of myself. I didn’t know who I was, really. When I was relatively unconscious I felt secure, but upon being asked to be a bit more conscious, I felt insecure and thrown into doubt. In reality, feeling confused or insecure is a very natural human response to many situations, so there is absolutely nothing wrong or unusual with any initial hesitation, shyness, or awkwardness.

As much as we live in a society in which sex is very evident in advertising, media, and the like, when it comes down to the reality of this very moment and divesting ourselves of our protection (clothing, the masks of the personality), there can be challenges. You may also feel shy or exposed. But these are not such big hurdles that you need to hold yourself back or prevent yourself from being interested in exploring your higher potential. Confusion and lack of confidence make one feel more vulnerable, open, and present, so any feelings of awkwardness also have positive value. And when feelings are admitted and communicated to the other person in simple words, such as “I feel lost as though I don’t know anything anymore,” as if giving an inner weather report, then you will immediately feel more relaxed, at ease, and lighthearted. You are being more honest, more authentic, more human. You begin to trust yourself. You will find some more specific suggestions on how to begin later in this chapter.

Slow Sex Is Most Suitable for Long-term Committed Relationships

Our Creator designed human beings for slow sex, so in this sense slow sex is suitable and appropriate for one and all. Simple evolution is available to anyone willing to explore taking sex to another level through being slow. Any person who takes it slow is likely to feel the heightened love and sensitivity that being conscious brings into the exchange, and usually the partner will have a similar experience.

In general, slow sex is most sustainable for heterosexual couples in long-term committed relationships. They have a stable partner with whom to practice over an extended period of time, which is, of course, a great advantage. An opportunity not to take for granted.

Many couples eventually are forced to give up having sex for a number of reasons—the most frequent being women’s loss of interest or physical discomfort, or male impotence—so slow sex offers a wonderful opportunity to reawaken their sexual life and begin again within a “polarity” framework, a new understanding of the why and how of sex.

For those couples who are having sex anyway, being conscious and slowing down in sex usually opens the way to a colorful mosaic of experience and expanded love and well-being. A partner is clearly required for the slow sex practice, and at the same time, much can be done as an individual to increase your own awareness and inner sensitivity. As mentioned earlier, inner sex—in which electromagnetic energy streams between the positive and negative poles within your own body—is the most evolved form of sex. Inner sex is valuable whether you are single or in a relationship. At the end of the day you are still a single, in the sense that you are left with yourself and your body. The more interest you invest in exploring your personal inner world, the easier it will be to tune in to the sensitivity called for in slow sex. Many of the exercises in this book are suitable for the individual and can be used as a foundation to grow in awareness and awaken to the cellular light essence of the body.

If you are single and meet someone with whom you wish to be intimate, be alert in your body and senses right from the very first sitting beside each other, bathing in each other’s presence, the initial reaching touch, and any ensuing embrace or kiss. This alertness also applies if you are already in a couple and wish to start anew. Begin with being more conscious of what you are doing and how you are doing it. Incorporate awareness into your approach and physical engagement in general, and on each occasion, not just now and then. Small shifts in behavior, such as attempting to pay attention to your own body (and inner body) rather than focusing on your partner’s outer body, will usually have a profound impact on the situation. A quality of silence and stillness enters the atmosphere, the senses are alive, and each moment is a jewel to be treasured and valued. Using the awareness in this way (for instance, scanning the body and relaxing tensions, being aware of the breath, relaxing into being rather than doing), you will experience for yourself the positive, transforming, uplifting vibrational influences of the universal metabolic enhancers.

Commitment to the Present Moment

Above all, the personal slow sex journey begins with you and your personal commitment to slow sex. This will be based on your desire, inclination, and willingness to explore new terrain by investigating sexual ways. Transforming or changing old sexual patterns requires a full commitment, not to another person or a relationship, but to oneself. It’s not a heavy, burdensome yoke to bear; it’s simply the commitment to make a shift, to become aware of what you do and how you do it.

There is an understandable tendency to postpone the sexual investigation for
next
time because you will find (as you have probably already noticed) that as excitement begins to mount, so does the desire for orgasm. That desire and urgency can easily obliterate all alternative intentions, so to make any inroad into the situation you have to take advantage of each and every opportunity presented to you, and not postpone until next time. Deferments will tend to continue, as tomorrow gradually turns into years.

So when can you really start anything at all? Only
now,
and
this
is the moment to begin.

Just a little turn is needed and right around the corner lies the Divine, offering us a new track or direction based on awareness and relaxation and listening to the intelligence of the body.

Awareness and Vitality Replace Excitement and Arousal

The great thing about slow sex is that it does not take much energy and you can enter into it even when you are not feeling fresh. It is more a question of whether or not you are able to hold an awareness of the present. Sex can take energy and be arousing at times but does not depend on high energy or getting excited at the outset. It’s an engagement with awareness, as has been described in a variety of ways in the previous chapters. Naturally, there will be moments where things will get a bit hotter, but the basic level of arousal (eros) is monitored and intentionally kept cool. At other times, of course, it may be that we get caught up in the excitement and take ourselves to a climax, but with awareness so that these events form part of the experimentation.

The significant thing is to do whatever you do with awareness. Nothing is implicitly wrong in orgasm; it’s just the habit of running toward it and the tension that is built up to achieve it that is being questioned.

You attempt to relax into the orgasm. Avoid becoming too tense and focused on the destination, but instead find a way to arrive there at a more leisurely pace. Using the universal metabolic enhancers in this way will transform the situation into something fresh and innocent.

GETTING STARTED AT YOUR SLOW SEX PRACTICE

Here I offer some specific pointers that may be useful as you begin to transform your sexual practice into a spiritually uplifting exchange. Pointers include information on preparation and foreplay, how to make and keep a sustained connection, physical penetration with or without erection, and how to conclude a slow sex encounter and resume other activities.

Make a Date to Make Love

We make dates and appointments for countless things, why not for sex? Human beings don’t have enough sustainable and fulfilling sex, so setting a fixed time makes absolute sense. In fact, the best way to establish slow sex as a sustainable practice is to set aside times specifically for that purpose. It’s of great value to establish a regular place and time for slow sex. Plan it and incorporate it into your life just as you would a yoga practice or any exercise regimen. Choose a date, choose a time, choose a venue. Sit down together and decide, and then write SS down on your weekly calendar. And from then onward, on a week-by-week basis, intentionally create space and make dates for sex. Just as we prioritize certain other activities, we can bring slow sex into the foreground and give human union a higher value.

Dedicating time to sex usually means that you will have to make fewer appointments with friends and family. You will also need to make appropriate arrangements if you have children at home, so that they will be looked after or kept otherwise engaged. Remember that love made between a couple radiates outward onto the children, so children should never be used as an excuse not to make time for slow sex. Be certain to switch off all phones and cellular devices so you can enjoy tranquility and peace without any interruptions or disturbances.

Creating a protected or sacred space leads to a deeper level of relaxation, awareness, and sensitivity. By making a date for sex you make yourselves available to each other; sex is not happening by accident, habit, or routine, or not at all! Instead the meeting and joining is a conscious choice by two consenting and willing people wishing to commune sexually with each other on a spiritual level. The intention behind the sexual meeting will automatically elevate the ensuing experience. You know what you are doing and why you are doing it.

Starting out with a fixed appointment might initially feel a bit unromantic or clinical, but once you get accustomed to it, these conscious meetings feel ordinary and completely natural.

Plan a Time Frame
That Is Realistic and Sustainable

There are no rules about how much time to devote to sex. What you can manage is what you can manage, and at the same time a certain level of commitment is required. Anywhere upward of forty-five minutes is advisable. When at all possible, try to give yourselves a basic minimum of three hours, because it does require time to warm up and enter fully into the situation. This is not necessarily true for men, but is certainly true for women, because female sexual energy takes longer to awaken. This difference in sexual temperatures and readiness is the vital difference between men and women, as explained in detail in chapter 5. When the underlying polarity difference is acknowledged and embraced, sexual communion is easily elevated; there is a shift that leads to a finer tuning. And when man understands that the more open woman is, the higher he himself will be able to fly, he is more than willing to grant woman what she needs.

At the start of our retreats we tell couples that they will be given a three-hour window for slow sex each and every day. Most of them look quite aghast and shy; disbelieving laughter usually ripples around the room. Within a handful of days, however, many are happily and confidently announcing that three hours are simply not enough. These don’t have to be three hours of solid lovemaking, although this may certainly happen on occasion. At any time during slow sex you can simply stop (by mutual decision, or sharing your needs) to drink a cup of tea, take a shower, go to the toilet, change the music, adjust your positions, or whatever. And then afterward, you return to bed and begin again.