Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (12 page)

When sex became a sin it was swept under the rug and reappeared again as secretive short-lived sex and thoughts circling around in our heads. The thoughts persist because of the relative lack of sex. When you don’t have satisfying sex you fantasize or dream about it, you pervert it, or you masturbate. When we have eaten a fully satisfying meal we stop thinking about food. When we are hungry we look at the object of our desire in a very different way from when we are satiated.

THOUGHT AS DESIRE FOR ORGASM

Orgasm as the goal of sex is a reflection of our sexual conditioning. Some men and women who have explored sex in depth have shared their observation that the thought of orgasm is needed before there is the desire for orgasm. In other words, the goal is basically a mindset, and the body can be talked into it. I have observed this as well. Thought precedes compulsion, desire, and orgasm, and the exciting-climax fixation is, in fact, part of our inherited conditioning in sex and becomes a great disturbance in true human sexual expression.

THOUGHT AS SEXUAL FANTASY

For many people sexual fantasy goes hand in hand with sex. Fantasy can fuel sex. It turns you on, sets you on fire, and keeps you burning, especially when the actual reality fails to do so. It is considered totally acceptable to use sexual fantasy as a stimulant, and even encouraged as a way to find sexual satisfaction. Fantasy has become the trigger for the physical responses of the body, but fantasies are a projected world and not happening for real, so therefore have absolutely nothing to do with the inner reality of the human body. In fact, fantasy makes us absent to the present. The function of pornography, which is a type of fantasy, is to stimulate the imagination and inflame the body. Regular use can cause a dependence on sexual stimulation and excitement, and slowly the body’s true sensitivity will be lost and become unresponsive, going kind of numb through overuse and misuse. Impotence is a sign of the body losing its innate sensitivity to the pressure and tension of stimulating sex.

Eyes open or maintaining receptive eye contact is the best way to reduce sexual fantasy. Eyes open anchors you in the present, in your immediate situation, and helps you to avoid drifting off into a world of fantasy.

POSITIVE THOUGHT AS VISUALIZATION OR IMAGINATION

Thoughts directed in a positive way can anchor the mind in the actual bodily reality and counteract the “absence” of fantasy or distracting thoughts. Our minds have a tremendous influence over the body and its responses, often to our detriment, but fortunately also very much for our benefit. When there is a change in mind about sex, followed by a new kind of experience, there will be a corresponding change in the nature and content of the thoughts one has in relation to sex.

The power of thought in the form of visualization or imagination (as opposed to fantasy) can be used with intention to connect with the inner realms of the body. This is a world apart from sexual fantasy and stimulation. Visualization or the imagination can help to cultivate “right thoughts” in relation to the body, so that its inner wisdom can be awakened and expressed. You imagine and support what is—something that
does
exist, and not something that does
not
exist, as is typical of fantasy. Imagination awakens energy or energy follows the imagination, and soon these extraordinarily delightful subtle inner sensations actually will begin to be felt.

A few examples of how visualization can be used: Visualize light vibrating in your cells, the color gold streaming and flowing through your body, or connecting your own positive and receptive poles. Or man can visualize energy, love, light, or gold flowing from his penis as a positive pole. And woman can imagine receiving these golden light emanations into her vagina. Woman can use her imagination in the same way and visualize love energy radiating from breasts and nipples, where her positive poles lie. Man can imagine the love and light being received into his heart and chest.

RIGHT THOUGHT AS INTENTION

Making a change to our sexual patterns usually does not happen accidentally; it requires intention and commitment. Any intention and commitment should not become a tension; it’s more a matter of the willingness to pay attention. It’s a relaxed orientation that includes intentionally using the awareness in order to make a shift from being mechanical and routine to being conscious and spontaneous—to going with the flow. The attention is being “inverted” and shifted back to the intelligence of the body. To help support any intention, a willing spirit, curiosity, and a sense of adventure are definite assets when stepping into the unknown.

Some kind of intention is needed because what we are attempting to do by breaking sexual patterns runs counter to centuries of collective beliefs and experience, so there is very little available in the way of external support. With the new understanding that the intelligence already lies within your body, that the secret lies inside you, there will be a slow evolution of experience that brings many benefits and blessings, and these will support a corresponding gradual shift away from fixed sexual habits.

POSITIVE THOUGHT AS REMEMBRANCE

The practice of remembrance requires awareness. Remember that first and foremost you are a body—and give it a loving thought. The body is so close it’s easy to overlook its significance. It’s the key, it’s the bridge to the higher self. Instead the body is taken for granted and we search for a connection to the Divine outside of ourselves. Certainly the human is more than just a body, but that more follows later on as a by-product, or as a consequence of being rooted in the body, living in the awareness. At any moment during any day, fall back into your body with your awareness, scan your body, and release any tension or holding. Breathe deeply and slowly and just be suspended in the moment, as you hold the awareness within your body for several seconds. Remember, you are more than the mind; your basic truth is the body. The body is not there simply to escort and carry the mind around. The physical form is given to us to serve as a bridge to divine realms. Through intention and with awareness, humans naturally move on to higher spiritual dimensions.

The inner remembrance of any previous ecstatic experience (it is recorded as light in your cells) can be used as a very powerful means for continuing inner transformation and deepening sexual practice.

8

THE SEXUAL POWER OF THE SACRED

S
ex has long been associated with the spiritual and the sacred, in the East as well as in the West, as mentioned in the introduction. Statues and paintings in thousands of ancient temples and places of worship reflect the spiritual orientation of earlier cultures. Sex in its sacred phase is transformed into a generative, creative spiritual force, which is a higher expression than its reproductive aspect. Sacred sex is focused on generating more vitality and life for oneself and maturing as an individual, rather than using sex to produce another life. Sex becomes sacred when you honor the intelligence of the body and create the situation and space for the Divine to enter. To receive the Divine you will need infinite nothingness inside you, because you are inviting the whole of existence into you.

ENGAGING THE METABOLIC POWER OF THE SACRED

Slow, sensual sex is a direct passage into the gentle and sacred arms of the Divine. The miracle is that each and every person who wishes to is able to gain access to the sacred. Sex is made sacred through intention and honoring the God-given wisdom of the body. We simply have to create the right environment and incorporate the universal metabolic enhancers, such as awareness, relaxation, rhythm, pleasure, and so on.

Marc David writes:

Sacred metabolism is the chemistry ignited in the body when we are infused by the Divine. Because the Divine is the source of power behind all powers, the chemistry created when we experience the Divine supercedes all known laws of the body. Sacred chemistry is a meta-chemistry. Its effects can include or incorporate familiar psychophysiologic states, such as the relaxation response, brain-hemispheric synchronization, pleasure chemistry, immune-system mobilization, and others. (
The Slow Down Diet
)

ECSTASY IS BEYOND PLEASURE

Our innate bodily sensitivity opens the door to the Divine, easily, gently, and organically. We are designed by nature for a natural biological ecstasy, a dimension that can be described as being light-years beyond pleasure. Ecstasy is pure bliss, a sacred state of utter contentment, peace, and harmony in which the being merges with the whole of existence and falls into harmony with all that is.

The essential components of blissfulness or ecstasy are timelessness, egolessness, and naturalness. Ecstasy and bliss exist beyond the ego and the “I” that normally wants or needs something from sex. Without the “I” there is no need for orgasm and the body can drop back into the here and now. The energy is contained by remaining present to each moment. There is no moving forward, no pushing through to a climax and release in orgasm, so the vitality remains in the body.

Avoiding a climax applies equally to man and woman. However, with woman there is one difference. When a woman is able to have an orgasm easily and with no effort at all, while in a state of relaxation and being (and not doing), then orgasm is perfectly beautiful. But when a woman works with effort and intention to reach orgasm, first, she will be lacking in presence, absent through a focus on the goal. Second, she is likely to cause her man to ejaculate. And third, there will be a buildup and crescendo of physical tension, some of which is discharged in orgasm and some of which remains in the woman’s energy system. These tensions can later give rise to a negative swing either on the physical level (such as vaginal irritations or menstrual pains) or an emotional level (feeling insecure, unloved, abandoned). Woman loses a great deal of energy through the tension of much effort, just as man does. It is very interesting for a couple to begin to observe themselves hours and days after having sex, to watch their mood swings in relation to their sexual choices. When the choice is habitually excitement and orgasm, often there will be a certain level of tension between the two of you, perhaps evidenced by many emotional ups and downs that get in the way of the love you feel for each other.

When the vitality is not discharged and is allowed to gather at the base, the life force will (in time) start to rise upward. And of its own accord. This rising is not something that one can “do,” as such. Actually the only thing you can really do in the situation is to stop doing the habitual orgasm thing. The situation has to be created, then the rising of energy happens by itself, as a by-product. The inner vitality is first contained, then it turns inward, a channel opens gradually, and the life force is able to spiral, or stream, or flow upward through the core of the body. When energy is contained and rises in this way, the spiritual or sacred phase of human sexual energy is stimulated into life as a generative uplifting force that nourishes the entire metabolism with life-enhancing effects.

Slow Sex Becomes a Sacred, Spiritual Practice

As sensitivity increases during sex, the exchange will become increasingly the experience of being here and now. Through remaining present and taking the awareness inward, one naturally engages with spirit and the mysterious sacred forces that breathe life into us. As many people have commented after experiencing slow sex, it feels natural and right, like a coming home to yourself.

THE INNER ROD OF MAGNETISM IS THE SOURCE OF ECSTASY

Containing the sexual energy and creating the situation for its rising involves taking a step over and beyond our inherited patterns and habits. Really what we are wanting to achieve is a shift from orgasm as a hurried event of a few seconds to the ecstasy of a timeless orgasmic state wherein the body loses sense of its physical boundaries and exists as pure, vibrant, vital energy.

The simplest route to the sacred is to take the body into consideration and honor its inner polarity. The potential for the ecstatic or orgasmic state lies within each individual because of this inner polarity, the equal and opposite poles of male and female carried within each individual, as discussed in chapter 4. Between these two opposite poles there exists a difference in potential that gives rise to an electromagnetic streaming of inner vitality, aliveness, chi, prana, or life force. There is an invisible but palpable “inner rod of magnetism” that forms a channel or passage for the flow and expansion of the subtle, electromagnetic energies that are the source of each person’s orgasmic and ecstatic states.

SENSITIVITY IS THE BRIDGE TO ECSTASY

Ecstasy is not excitement. Ecstasy lies way beyond the pleasures of exciting sensations. It could rather be described as a state of pure pleasure, pure delight, and pure bliss. Through being intensely conscious and rooted in the sensitivity of the physical body, you can dissolve into a state of ecstatic bodilessness. I have found that the words from a well-known song, “you gotta get in to get out,” reflect the truth. You need to merge first and foremost with your own body in order to travel and expand beyond your physical boundaries. You are born with a built-in mechanism for a natural biological ecstasy and you need to know how to harness its sacred qualities in order to move beyond the ego, time, and the physical body—to exist as pure vibrant energy.

Ecstasy Is a By-product of Coolness

Ecstasy is a cool experience. It is a state of intense inner vitality, and at the same time it is a cool and serene state. Ecstasy is definitely not hot and not at all overwhelming. Heat can and will eventually lead to some kind of a discharge of energy, whereas in coolness there is automatic retention of energy. Coolness results in an implosion, not a heated explosion. Coolness is oriented around relaxation instead of building up tension. All the contributing movements and actions are more conscious and much slower, and at times there can be stillness, too.