Shattered (7 page)

I was still sandwiched in between
Ky and Kris.  I was feeling pretty guilty about not saying thank you to Caleb.  He looked like he was enjoying the conversation and it was nice seeing him mingle with my friends.

I sat there daydreaming and trying to commit all his features to memory.  I was trying to go for subtle but I guess he felt my gaze and turned his eyes onto mine.  He stood up and walked around
the table, his eyes never leaving mine.

When he got to me he stopped and held out his hand. There was like an unspoken language that passed through us but who am I kidding that was the universal code for come dance with me.  I got up from the table and headed to the dance floor with him. He stopped in the middle of the dance floor and held me in his arms. 

Ours bodies started to sway to the sultry voice of Seether.  Singing about how broken he is or something like that.  I am not really sure because I was transfixed in the movements of our bodies taking me away.  I promised myself when I got home I was going to download the song and listen to the words a little more. Next thing I knew we were swaying our way over to the opposite side of the bar getting lost in each other’s arms.

Finally we stopped and he leaned me up against the wall.  This time I wasn’t scared to be plastered against the wall by a man.  This time I was placed gently.  Looking into his eyes I could
see that they were full of lust and desire.  I am well aware that mine were probably a little of the same but mine also masked the pain that was in my heart.

Leaning his forehead on min
e and placing one hand on the wall and one arm around my waist he started to speak.  “I was so worried.  I was trying to figure out why you were taking so long.  I thought maybe you ran out on me again.  Just left me hanging to fend for myself.”

I started to explain but he cut me off. “No please let me finish. I need to say this or I may not say it again.  I want you Ryan.  I want to be inside you.  I want to claim you as mine.  I want the world to know that you are my girl.  I want to kiss and suckle every inch of your body.  I want my fingers and hands to have free rein to caress your body.  I want to know what makes you come.  I want to use my tongue, fingers, and cock to explore every inch of that glorious body of yours.”

I couldn’t breathe I could only stare into those deep pools of blue eyes.  Every part of me was screaming that this was not real that I would wake up and find myself in my bed wrapped up in my sheets.

Trying to
catch my breath I finally found the urge to speak. “I can’t Caleb.  I want you more than you could ever imagine and you bring out things in me that I have never experienced in my 32 years. But Caleb I can’t let myself get involved in a one night stand.  As bad as I want you I can’t let my heart go there right now. I am sorry……my heart has been shattered.” I pushed off his embrace and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you Caleb for being my knight in shining armor tonight, but your ten years too late.” With those last words I left him standing in the hallway with disappoint in his eyes. 

I couldn’t look back,
no I wouldn’t look back.  My heart is still on the mend and I wasn’t ready for it to be shattered again by the Greek God.  My body may have wanted him but my heart wouldn’t be able to handle him.

I have my kids to worry about and I won’t let myself go down that road again of being the lost and lonely mom.  I have missed too much in their lives the last three years.  I can’t let them see
me go down that dark path again.  I tried to hold my head high as I walk back into the bar to retrieve my purse.  Luckily everyone was still out on the dance floor having a great time.

I took one look at them smiled and headed for the door.  Once I made my way to my
SUV, then I could break down and release the tears. I don’t want to let my heart go there again that’s why I had to let it go tonight.  I know the sex would have been out of this world, but I know I would have lost my heart to him and I don’t know how much of it is really there to give. As the years went by little pieces of my heart started to break off more and more. 

After ten years my heart looked like a broken mirror.
Shattered. And everyone knows that once something is broken it’s really hard to glue it back together.

Chapter 6

Driving home with watery eyes was not something that I panned on doing on our celebration night. As I pull into my drive I wonder how my life got so turned around in such a short time.  I tried to pull myself together and move past all the doubt and self hate.  But right now I need
ed the comfort of my kids and cookie dough.  I headed straight for the freezer. Tonight I am going to drown my broken heart in the big clumps of doughy goodness. 

Self loathing doesn’t get you anywhere in life but what it does get you is the feeling of unworthiness. I thought I started a new chapter in my life.  I was finally painting my own picture. But now the only thing that I am painting is the constant let down of my love life. Two years ago I let go of a life. Before that I let go of myself. I wonder a path of struggle and self pity. Tonight I wondered the line of lust.  I have never been turned on by a man in so many ways.  I was never that type of woman to just let her heart have no room for the bedroom.  Giving
myself to Caleb would mean giving him my heart.  I just don’t think I could do that anymore. Better yet I don’t think there is anything left for me to give.

As I sit here in my drunken state eating my life saver habit
, in the dark, my phone starts to ring.  I have no will power to get up and turn it off or even look to see who is calling. I told a man too good for me that I was shattered.  Which is not far from the truth. “Gawd could this night get any worse! Mom I could use a little sign, a little heads up.” She was always my rock when it came to things that I didn’t understand and things that I couldn’t control in my marriage. Still trying to eat the pain away in my solitude of loneliness my phone goes off again. 

I should probably get up and figure out who is calling so they don’t freak out.  Stumbling to the counter I pull out my phone. I check the call log to see that all three girls have tried to call me twice.  I don’t want
them to worry them so I sent them a mass text.

Ryan: 1:15
am: Girls I am ok.  I am tired and ready for bed. Ttyl <3

There I hope that holds them off until tomorrow.  After letting the girls know I am ok I put my phone on silent and make my way to my room.  After I have stripped out of clothes I curl up for another restless night of dreaming of Caleb.

I am running fast, trying to figure out how he found. 
Trying to find an escape. I don’t know where I am or how I got here all I know is that I just need to keep running. Faster. Faster. Keep going Ryan. The further away the less chance he has of getting to you. My heart is slamming into my chest. Where am I, why am I running?  I feel big hands grab the back of my shirt throwing me down to the ground.  Slamming me hard against the uneven pavement. Just kick Ryan, fight your way out of his grip, but I can’t he’s too strong.  I am so tired so very tired. I want to let go because I am so tired………….

I jolt out of bed covered in sweat and my bed sheets are
all tangled between my legs. My heart is still racing from the nightmare. Looking around my room I am starting to calm down.  I just chant over and over again that it was only a dream.  Just a dream. I finally start to relax and look over at the night stand to see what time it is. Its 4:37 in the morning.  Ugh I just wanted one night where my dreams didn’t cause me restlessness. Laying back down I try to fall back asleep which I know will be hard but I need to try.

The sound of my a
larm startled me.  I look over and its 7:30 am. I am sprawled out all over my bed. I start to move trying to stretch my muscles from the restless nightmare. I decide that I should probably look at my phone to make sure that the girls got my call. Reaching over I take the phone off the charging dock and unlock it.

Kris: 1:30
am: God woman are you crazy. Don’t ever just leave like that I am coming by in the morning to kick your ass!!!!

Amanda
: 1:48 am: Really?!!!???? Really what the hell!!! Caleb just came over and said you left! WTF woman!!! I am coming by in the morning taking all your snickers and cookie dough!!!

Kylie: 2:15
am: Coming to kick your ass in the morning, just saying!!!!

Great, just great.
  I get to have my house flocked with cranky little white girls throwing hissy fits because I left the bar.  Feeling deflated and not looking forward to the hens clucking in my face I decide to get my ass up.  I don’t I decided not to go to the gym today so I instead I am going to jog around my neighborhood a couple of times.  I get my laces tied up and ear buds plugged in and I am ready to hit the road.

My jog
was exhilarating and relaxing.  Running gives me a chance to clear my head and get my thoughts in order. I tried not to think about him.  I tried really hard.  But his memory kept flooding back into my thoughts.  The run also prepared me for the ambush of questions that I am sure I will be getting from the girls.  As I enter my house I am not shocked to see all three girls cooking in my kitchen.

“Hope you don’t mind
Ry, we got hungry and we were tired of waiting on you.” Kris stated as she was flipping pancakes.

‘No its ok.
I am hungry too.  So about last night.  Look I am fine.  Everything is fine. The guy scared me and so I decided that maybe it was just best for me to come home.  I didn’t want to be a Debbie Downer around you guys so I decided to leave. Look I know I should have said something but you guys looked so happy on the dance floor.  I promise next time I will let you know. “

“Yes please do. No more running off like a mad person just because some guy wants to screw your brains out. Let him and move one.” Shoveling food in her mouth
as Kylie was spitting out the words.

“Um….
Ky, that’s not what I am talking about.  I was talking about the big lug that attacked me, not Caleb.”

“Right, so the reason you left has nothing to do with the fact that the Greek God wants to jump your bones? Sure, I don’t buy that.” Amanda said.

“Well it’s not.  And I am not going to let Caleb just “jump” my bones.  I am not that kind of girl.”

“You could be”

“Kylie, you little slut. Leave her alone and let her wallow around in self pity and loneness. Because God knows that, that is such a better way of living than taking a chance on romance. “There was such a sarcastic tone in Kris’ voice, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or throw a pancake at her head. So Instead I sat there with arms crossed shooting daggers at her head. “Look alls I am saying is you don’t need to run anymore.  It’s been over 2 years.  Do you think your mama would want you it drown yourself in ice cream?” Holding up a hand to cut me off she starts shaking her head no. “No Ry she wouldn’t she would want you to live and have a great time doing it.”

“Are we done with mini intervention?
Because if we are I need to shower.  You guys need to clean up this mess and then we can do some retail therapy.  Sound good? Ok be out in 30.”  I head for my room and start undressing. Tension is pouring off my body and I feel like I need a release. I have never been the type to touch myself but after last night I feel the need to.

I am standing under the stream of water
letting the hard pellets of the showerhead hit me and smooth away my tension all while thinking about that moment by the wall.  His skin up against mine, his breathe heavy with need, his eyes filled with lust. His words come back to haunt me;

I want to be inside you
…..I want to kiss every inch of you….

Those simple words had turned me on so bad that
I could barely concentrate on my shower. I just want him out of my head.  I keep telling myself that I can’t cross that line again.  I gave my heart away and it was returned to me I like a pile of broken glass. I need to get myself together and find myself before I lose myself once again.

Stepping out of the shower I thought I would feel better but now I just feel worse. Maybe my release isn’t based on sexual tension, maybe its internal combustion that I am fighting back.
Sitting here debating on what type of release I am going to have isn’t going to get me through the week let alone the year.  Pulling myself together I get myself ready for the day. 

As I enter the kitchen and here the tail end of a conversation that I am not so sure I should have heard. “I know she is hurting but she needs to move on.  And what better way to move on than to move under another……I am just saying that he is a lot better reason than the tub of cookie dough ice cream.” I think that was
Ky giving her two cents into the mix. “I know what you’re trying to say but we all know how she is.  She doesn’t need to get under she just needs to get over.”Kris sounded defensive with her comeback to Ky. “Look maybe we should just call Renee.  We all know she is the only one that can snap Ryan out of her funk and get her to move one.” A reasoning Amanda chimed in. “Maybe your right but she is three hours away how is she supposed to come in and get her in gear.”

“I don’t know but something is worth a shot.  She
can’t keep turning down every guy that comes her way.  I don’t want to see her as the lonely cat lady.  Plus this stuff with Jason and his new girl could really break her even more.  I mean come on what if they get married and what if they decided that they want to have kids.  What then?  How are we going to pick her up from that? Hell I don’t even know if I would be able to get over that.  He has always been Uncle Jason to my kids.” All three agreed with Amanda’s statement and her statement hit home.