Shattered (11 page)

“Don’t worry Ryan we can do all sorts of things that don’t involve sex.” My breath caught in my throat and I just sat there. Oh lord what am I going to do? “Well goodnight everyone.  I hope you all get home safe and I will see you ladies on Monday and sis I will see you tomorrow. 
Text me in the morning.” I stood up ready to bolt not sure if I wanted to go home with him or if I just wanted to run the five miles home. “Goodnight ladies, hope to see you all again real soon.  Renee and Anthony see you tomorrow. And fella’s see you in two weeks for the trip.” Caleb got up with me shaking hands and giving kisses on cheeks to the girls.  We headed to the front door hand in hand.  Caleb stopped to let Luke know we were leaving and to make sure everyone was taken care of for the night.

My heart was beating out of my chest and my legs felt like limp noodles.
I didn’t know what to do or what to say, I just knew that I was going home with Caleb, to be alone, for the first time.

Don’t freak out Ryan, yeah right. Just stay calm, you don’t have to do anything with the man but sleep that’s it.
Yes that’s it I can do this I can go home with him and not have to worry about anything.

“How about we go to your house so you can pack a bag because I don’t plan on letting you go
home until Monday morning.” I couldn’t formulate the words as we walked to his truck.  I just nodded knowing that was going to be my best form of communication.

Before opening the truck door he pushed me into it pressing his body to mine taking my head into his hands staring deep into my eyes.  He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my lips then trailed his lips down my jaw line.  I let out a small moan and he caught it with his mouth.  That kiss had a little more intensity behind it than the first one. Letting go of my face he broke the kiss off and reached for the car door. “Better?” Oh did I ever want to tell him how better it was but like before I could only nod.
   

Pulling into my driveway the anxiety was getting to me.  The only man that has ever been in my house was the ex.  And honestly I didn’t want him there to begin with but I had to.  Having Caleb here is a completely different feeling.  Oh God I hope my house isn’t a wreck.  That would be terrible. 

I was shaking so bad that I was having a hard time getting the key in the lock. Taking a deep breath and focusing I finally got the door unlocked.  We stepped in and I turned the entry light on so we could see.  This felt so weird.

My living room set off to the left.  I have four big windows along the front wall and an all brick fireplace that sits against the far wall. My
dark cream colored couch and love seat was placed in an L shape facing the fireplace with a big black ottoman in the center of the room.  Off the living room I have a formal dining room with a dark high top table that seats six. Straight ahead from the front door is the kitchen.  It has dark cherry cabinets and brown granite counter tops with black appliances’.  What sold me on the house was the island in the middle of the kitchen.  It was big enough to place bar stools around so that way I didn’t need to put a small table in the corner.

I placed my purse on the dining room table and motioned Caleb to have a seat. “Make yourself at home.” I walked down the hall and headed to my room. “There is water in the fridge and the restroom is the first door on the left. Let me know if you need anything.  I shouldn’t be very long.” Not waiting for a response I picked up my pace heading to my room.

Once I escaped into my room I let out a huge breath that I didn’t realize I was holding.  How can one guy make me so nervous about everything?  Walking into my room I started to feel better.  My room has always been my little escape.  When I bought my furniture I wanted a place that I could retreat to and just be myself and that’s what I did.  I had a queen sized platform bed because let’s face it I didn’t need a big old bed just something big enough for me. It was dark cherry wood; yes I love dark cherry, with a big head board.  My comforter was white with big black flowers on it, not too girly and not too manly. It was just right.  I had two night stands, one long bureau and a taller bureau that held my TV on it.

Walking into my closet I pulled out a small duffel bag and began to put stuff in it for tomorrow and tomorrow night.  The last thing that I put in my bag were pajama’s.  Would I need them?  The thought sent chills up my spine. “You won’t need those trust me.” Holy crap he scared the shit out of me.  I placed my hand over my heart trying to catch my breath.

“Shit you
can’t just sneak up on someone like that. You nearly gave me a heart attack.” He started laughing at me.  Apparently me being near death was hysterical. “I am so sorry.  I have been standing here for a while.  I figured you knew I was here.  I promise I won’t do it again.”

Calming my heart I rolled my eyes and playfully hit is chest.  Damn the contact and the fact that we are in my room almost made me want to yank him all the way into my room and
have my dirty way with him.  Goodness I need to pull myself together.

Heading into my bathroom I gathered the rest of the things that I will need. “You know I am pretty scary in the morning.  No makeup and all can be a pretty terrifying experience.  Are you sure you are up that.” I was trying to keep my tone light and not let him see how nervous I was.

“Are you trying to get out of coming over to my house tonight Ryan?” Ugh how could he tell?  I want to go so bad but I am scared shitless. So I let him know. “Look I don’t do this.  I like you and I mean really like you but this stuff inst me.  I don’t go home with people……ever.”

Sensing the agitation in my voice he walked into the bathroom with me. “Look I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do. But just know I want to spend the night with you, hold you in my arms.  I
won’t do anything you don’t want me too. I just wanna be with you.”

After everything was said and fears pushed to the side
, I got back in his truck and headed to his house.

Chapter 10

So very nervous, hands shaking, I am to the point of tears. 
Too much anxiety going on in my chest that I can’t breathe.

“Hey Caleb can I ask you a question?” He left one hand on the steering wheel and used his other to hold my trembling hand in his. Damn I need to act like this isn’t bothering me.
Get it together Ryan!

“Sure fire away.” Ok so how do I ask him about that girl from the gym? I don’t want to sound like a jealous person but I need to know.  I will not fight over a man.  I did that too many times in the past and it got me a divorce.  “Ok so that girl at the gym, I am not going to have any problems with her am I? Because look I am not the type to fight over a guy, I don’t get my claws out and start pulling hair.  I have done that too many times in the past and lost.”

It took him a moment before he answered which did not make me feel any better about this situation that we have going on.
“I ended it with her when I saw you at the gym.  She means nothing to me.  You pegged her right.  She just wanted to be with me because I am in a band.  I promise there will be no cat fights.  But just so you know that would be pretty hot.” I looked over at him and he winked at me. I felt the flush creep up my neck.

We pulled into his driveway.  He had a nice two story home.
All brick with a front porch that had a swing.  I have always dreamed of having a front porch and swing.  I sat there daydreaming about eating my cookie dough ice creaming and watching my kids and his little girl playing in the front yard.

Snapping myself out of my fantasy we rolled into the garage. Off to the right sat a motorcycle and a bunch of tool boxes.
Just your normal man garage.  To say that I was interested in what the inside of his house looked like was just a tad bit false, I was fascinated.  I couldn’t wait.  He came around and opened my door and grabbed my bag. Pulling me out of the truck he led me into his home. 

The garage door opened into his large kitchen.
His cabinets where the same cherry oak as mine, his counter tops where a black granite.  Still holding my hand he guided me to the living room. It was big and open. He had an all brick fire place, on the mantel hung a huge 60 inch flat screen.  All his furniture was black leather.  Typical I thought.

  “Here have a seat, make
yourself at home, I will be right back.” He left me standing in the living room, not knowing what to do, I went ahead and sat down.  Looking around he had pictures of him and his little girl all over. She was a cute little thing.  She had brown curly hair and big blue eyes like him. 

“Here the girls said this was your favorite. I thought maybe it would help you feel a little more at home.” I turned around to look at what he had.  My heart soared with gratitude. “A little presumptuous weren’t we?” I smirked at him. I didn’t want him to know that I really loved the gesture of the gift.

“A man can have hope cant he?” He sat down and handed me a spoon. I noticed he had one for himself also. We both dug into the pint of cookie dough ice cream. I tried to keep the moans to a minimum but a few escaped my throat.  He just shook his head and laughed.  “You really do love this stuff don’t you?” My mouth was full and I nodded with full enthusiasm.   

“It really helped me get through some tough times the past three years.  It was like my life line.”

“Tell me about it?” He could sense my hesitation. “Only if you want to.”

Now was the time I think he needed to know about me and my past.  I wanted him to know what he was in for.  I just didn’t want any
pity from the man.  I can’t do pity. So taking a deep breath I began to tell my story.

“My mother died three years ago in August.  She was my rock.  She had breast cancer.  She fought it tooth and nail until the very end.  She never wanted us to morn her death but to celebrate her life.  I tried to do that.  My sisters tried to help anyway they could.  They were so much stronger than I was. It was hard being so far away and trying to grieve for the woman who meant everything to me.  So I shut myself out and found ice cream.” I took another bite.

“My ex-husband Jason wasn’t much of a supporter. The only things he helped with were the kids. I have two, Michael, he is ten, and McKayla, she is eight. He acted as both parents for a while.  I know it was hard on him and I tried my best but for a while I couldn’t function.  Finally he got tired and just started leaving me and the kids at home.  I finally kicked myself in the ass and picked myself up off the floor. I started to be a better mom and really try to be there for my kids.” I was trying to hold back the tears because I was getting to the bad part of my life.

“One day I was sitting at home looking for jobs, because I had lost mine after mom died and there was a knock at the door.  I got up and there was a messenger person standing in the doorway.  He handed me a package and took off.  I went inside opened it and found divorce papers.  I was stunned.  I didn’t know what to do. I called up Jason right away and asked what the deal was.  He told me that he couldn’t be with me anymore and that I was a terrible mother and wife.” By now the tears where streaming down my face.  I tried to hide my head so he couldn’t see how hurt I was.

  Taking my spoon from me and placing the ice cream on the coffee table he pulled me to his lap. “Then what happened.” He whispered in my ear. Taking a big breath and letting it out I calmed myself down and relaxed. He needs to know why I am this way.

“I lost it.  I knew that I had lost myself in the depression of losing my mother and not being there for my kids. So I decided that I needed to go see someone and that’s what I did. For six months I tried to work on my marriage to only have it fail.  He was too far gone.  And I found out later that he had another woman on the side.  I felt betrayed. It wasn’t the first time that he had been with someone else, that time I won him back.  I thought he would get better but he didn’t. See the thing is I wanted to fight and keep my family together.  But in the end it fell apart. So after the divorce was final I made myself a vow that I would never let anything destroy me again for me and for my kids. That’s why this is so difficult for me.”

Turning myself in his lap to look at him I continued. “You bring out things in me that no one, I mean no one, ever has before and I am so scared.  I can’t, no I won’t go down that path again. Being broken is something that I don’t ever want to live through again.”

“I
won’t break you Ryan.  I may fuck up and make some choices that are not smart but I won’t break you. I just want a chance to make you happy. Let me make you happy.” He leaned in a pressed a little kiss on my cheek.

“Come on lets go to bed.” Pulling me off his lap he grabbed the ice cream put it back in the freezer and took my hand and
grabbed my bag.  He pulled me up the stairs toward his bedroom. 

“Bathroom is
off to the left. Go ahead and get yourself ready for bed.  You can put all your stuff on the counter if you would like. Nodding I grabbed my bag and headed towards his bathroom.  Walking in I was stunned.  He had a claw foot tube that was very inviting at the moment. A separate shower that I swear you could fit at least three people in. His vanity had double sinks and it was the same counter as down stairs. I could see myself spending long hours in this place.