Shattered (4 page)

Choking back the tears I tried to compose myself.  It’s Monday night and I just got the kids back today.  My ex and I have joint custody of our ten and eight year old.  He gets them every other week.  We live about two miles from each other so that way they could spend one week with him and one week with me.  I didn’t like this arrangement at first but the kids seem to tolerate it for now.  This is my week to have them.  I will have them until next Monday morning.  They will go straight to their dad’s house after school. 

After my emotional turmoil a few minutes ago I find myself over the stove preparing myself to make dinner.  One thing that has changed since the divorce
is my cooking skills.  They weren’t bad in the beginning, I knew how to make a few easy plates but Jason loved to cook and he was always home before me so it worked out. Now that I am on my own and work in the salon I can set my own hours.  When I don’t have the kids I stay until seven.  When it’s my week to have them I am home by five. It just gives me more time to spend with them. 

After dinner has been
eaten and messes cleaned up I get the kids ready for bed.  I sit in my bed and pull out my Kindle wondering what fantasy I can get lost in tonight.  It’s been three days since my orgasmic night at Barneys so reading a love story just may do me in.  I have dreamt of Caleb every night but let’s face it, nothing compares to the real thing. As I lay in bed I contemplate texting Jason about his parenting skills. Against my better judgment, I do.  I don’t like drama but sometimes you have to put your foot down.

Ryan: 8:45
pm: Will you please me sure that Michael does his homework first and then plays his video games?  He is getting a 68 in math.  Thnks.

Jason: 8:50
pm: My house my rules.  He wants to relax after school, not get right back into it.

Ryan: 8:52
pm: I realize that but he needs to get his grades up.  I can’t be the only one to work on that.  I need some help with that too.

Jason: 8:54
pm: When have you ever cared Ryan?  You where never around for it to matter when he was younger! So my house my rules!

Wow this was getting
nowhere and fast.  I have to admit the two years of our marriage was pretty rough on all of us.  I lost my mother to breast cancer and then my dad decided he would start making appearances in my life. Not only that but I ended up losing my job at the hospital and fell into a great depression because we fell behind on bills. That in turn started tearing our marriage apart.  I wanted to grieve and try to process but I couldn’t function.  I lost myself somewhere along the way. And by doing so I lost my family.  Things where never the same after that.

Ryan: 9:15
pm: Just please try and help him pull up his grades.  That’s all I can ask.

After that I shut my phone off and curled up with my book.  There is no since in bring up the past
, what’s done is done and we just need to move on.

I went to bed that night with a heavy heart.  My brain likes to remind
me of the bad mother that I used to be and the crappy wife that he still calls me today.  Reminders hurt.  The pain never fades.

Chapter 4

After a long restless night fighting with my covers and pillows it is finally morning.  Thankfully the sun is out on this beautiful April day in Houston.  I rushed the kids off to school and got myself ready for the gym.  I didn’t want to go in today but I need to fight this aching in my heart and beat the crap out of a punching bag.  Loading up my car I high tail it to the gym to let some frustration out. 

About half way through my battle with the bag I decided it was time to hit the treadmill.  Starting off slow
, I paced myself for my five mile jog.  I plugged in my head phones and searched for some Alanis Morissette to get me through my battle. 

Drifting off to my daydreams of last Friday night, recalling the most embarrassing moment I thought of him and where his hands were.  Thinking about the Greek God named Caleb I about fell flat on my ass.  Getting my stride back I decided to look around to make sure no one saw another plunder of embarrassment.

To my total shock there was Caleb staring right at me.  The man was glorious in his gym wear.  His body was glistened with sweat making him that much yummier. Trying to compose myself yet again and pick up my jaw I tried to look away.  But I just knew he saw me watching and thinking of only him.  Thank God for the fact that I was already flushed, hot and sweaty, I was hoping he didn’t notice that I was turning even redder than before.  At least I can make it look like it was the running and not my body reacting to him standing just a few feet away.  How did I not notice him before?  I have been coming here now for the last two years and this is the first time I have seen him.

Trying to keep my composure
together he started towards me.  Oh God I hope I don’t fall and die of embarrassment once again.  This man unravels me like no man I have ever known. 

Trying to keep a brave face Caleb approached me with a sly little grin.  I take my head phones out and slow the treadmill down to walking. 

“Hey Ryan, how are you?” he asked while letting his eyes roam up and down before they landed on my eyes.

“I am good Caleb, fancy seeing you here today.” Oh my God did I just say fancy. Please
someone kill me now. Chuckling, Caleb shook his head and tilted it to the side and running his hands through his hair, that almost did me in.  If only I could be the one to do that.  He snapped me out of my fantasy and just stared at me.  I was waiting for a reply but he just kept looking at me. Staring into my eyes making my heart beat faster than it should and my face burning hotter than normal. It was like he was trying to read my sole or something at first it creeped me out but now I am just flustered trying to figure out if he sees the real me behind these eyes.

I cleared my throat trying to come up with something else to say
and break him away from his soul searching. So breaking off the staring contest I looked out the window.  I was about to ask him how he was when a leggy brunette bounced her perfect little body over to us. Great, just freaking great, just what I need another disappointment walking up all perky in my life. How do you compete? Tell me. The past two 20 something’s that have walked into my life have yet to defy gravity while I am here contemplating whether I want a boob job just to fit in.  I knew he had to have had a girlfriend.  No guy that good looking could be alone. I felt my heart sink to the bottom on my stomach as she proceeded to pull him away from his constant staring.

“Come on baby lets go.  We are done with ou
r workout and I need to get home and change. I need you to take me to my house so I can go to work.” She whined by pulling on his arm trying to get his attention.

“Looks like
the groupie is trying to get your attention.  You better hurry up Caleb so she won’t be late for work.” I smarted off with a condescending tone.  Not sure where it came from, its not like I have claimed him or anything.  But I was irritated and not in the mood for his come fuck me eyes or his perfect girlfriend.  If that’s who she really is, what I am thinking of course that’s who she is who else would she be.  

He just stood there and kept staring.  I could tell that she was getting irritated by his constant stare so I decided to take matters in my own hands.  I turned off my machine and proceeded to walk away.  I was about to the
girl’s locker room when he grabbed my hand to halt me.  Irritated by his gesture I just turned and shot him with my ‘I could kill you’ eyes for him to let go.  No such luck, he kept holding my wrist in his hands.

“Caleb let go so I can get my stuff and head to work.” I seethed
.

“Let me buy you some coffee sometime Ryan.  I
can’t stop thinking about Friday night and want to see you again.” He said with that pleading eyes and a sly little grin.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.  I wouldn’t want your groupie to get upset and I don’t feel like getting into a cat fight today. 
Maybe some other time.” He let go of my wrist and let me go. And that’s where I left him. Me walking away, again.

After I left the gym I headed to work.  I was running a few minutes behind because I stayed in the shower for too long trying to
wrangle my senses together and if I am being honest I didn’t want to see him as I walked out. 

Walking into the shop I had three sets of eyes eying me up and down.

“What? Can the boss be just a tad bit late?  Is that a crime?” I tried to control my heart rate once again so that way the girls wouldn’t be able to see right through me.  But no such luck each one had their own special ESP power.

“Um
Ry you look like hell and your shirt is inside out.” Manda so thoughtfully told me.

“
Thanks.  I was in a hurry at the gym and I guess I wasn’t paying any attention to what I was doing.  Gawd I walked out like this??” Ugh just great I threw myself into my chair and began to twirl around with my head thrown back. 

“What happened? I haven’t seen you this upset since…..well you know when.”
Ky murmured under her breath trying to make it sound like she cared.  I know she did.  I know they all did.  But I didn’t want them to know that I saw him today.  I didn’t want to have to relive that memory of Friday night.  I only wanted him in my dreams and day dreams.  So that way I could pretend I wasn’t fascinated by the Greek God.

“What did Jason do? Or wait it wasn’t Jason was it. Oh my God you saw him again didn’t you?” Kris’ eyes got wide and her hand flew to her mouth trying to hide he
r shocked expression.

“First off yes Jason pissed me off about Michael last night calling me a bad mom again.  Second…….yeah I am saw him at the gym.  He just stood there staring and that’s not even the worst pa
rt.” I threw my arms up in the air and let out a big exaggerated sigh.

“Well don’t leave us hanging. Hurry up and tell
us before people start rolling in.  We are all interested in your love life or lack thereof.” Amanda said scooting a big cup of coffee under my nose.

“
The worst part was some brunette pulling him by the arm calling him baby.  She made it very clear they were together.  Then he had the nerve to come after me and tell me he can’t stop thinking about me.  He even wanted to take me out for coffee.”

“
The nerve of that Greek God asking you that in front of his bimbo. How dare he try to do that?” Ky said mockingly shaking her head back and forth with a grin on her face.

“Well he asked me once he followed me to the shower room.  He tugged on my arm to get me from running away from him.  But I told him no because I didn’t feel like getting into a cat fight and I didn’t think his little groupie would like that too much since she needed to be off to work.”

“You called her a groupie?!? Oh my God that is great Ryan!” cried Amanda jumping up and down like a little school girl.  That got us all giggling like we were 13 again.

“Well at least you showed him didn’t
you? I am proud you didn’t fall over him with him in sight or have another mini in your underwear. Now let gets your ready for the day. You are booked solid and you need your game face on.  No more thinking of the rock hunk with gorgeous blue eyes. “Kris stated as she tried to fluff up my hair.

“Thank you.  Yes
let’s get this day started.  Turn up the music and let’s get to work ladies!”

The rest of the week flew by fast.  I was thankful that I did not run into Caleb the rest of the week at the gym.  I don’t think my heart or LR could handle anymore hunky rock star.  I wanted to forget
all about him and Jason.  I haven’t spoken to Jason since last Monday when he broke my heart by his words. I never knew the man I once loved could be so cruel. So instead I picked up the pieces and carried on with my kids and kissed them once again goodbye and shuffled them off to school.  This week they will be at their dads and I won’t see them again for a week.  I thought this would be easier with time but it hasn’t been.  Still hurts as bad as it did the first time I let them go.

Walking into the salon
today made me smile.  I am normally a basket case and a real bitch when I have to let my kids go.  But today I was greeted at the front door with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and snickers bar.

“God you are such a life saver
Manda.  I don’t know what I would do without you.  Now hand them over before I rip them out of your hands!”

“Easy killer.
  And you would probably wither away and die if it weren’t for me and the constant supply of cookie dough and snickers that I provide you each week.  Now hurry up with the snickers before Kris comes in and sees you devour it.  She doesn’t need to know about your caramel   fixation too.” She shoved them in my hands and gave me a knowing glance. “You know it’s a wonder your ass hasn’t gotten any bigger with as much dough you intake on a daily basis.”

“I know but it helps that I go to the gym five days a week so I can work it off.” I said with a cheeky grin.

We both laughed at my stupidity for my nasty little habit.