Science...For Her! (47 page)

I know what you’re thinking. Any woman can be a scientist, but it takes a
special
person to be a woman scientist who’s
married
. Marie Curie actually worked with her husband,
Pierre Curie.
Doctor
Gerty Cori
shared the 1947 Nobel Prize for medicine with her husband,
Carl Ferdinand Cori
, for researching the
conversion of glycogen.
Mrs. Claus
, worked alongside her husband,
Santa Claus
, in the field of
toys
. Obviously these female scientists weren’t hideously ugly if they were able to land successful scientists for husbands! Or maybe they were but their husbands had blinded themselves with chemicals from the lab! That’s pretty much the best-case scenario for a female scientist! That the man who works in the laboratory with you maims himself so severely that he can’t do anything but marry you, but only if your face feels like you’re at least a 6 in attractiveness when he does the thing where he feels your face to “see” what you look like!

This chapter brings up a broader topic to discuss—women and employment. I’m sure it’s been weighing on your mind throughout the whole book. Should women even
have
a job? It’s one of history’s greatest unsolved mysteries. The women I just mentioned were able to have successful careers in the sciences, but
should
they have? Call me old-fashioned, but I think women should be housewives only and also I might have smallpox from this basement cave. I truly believe that women should not work outside the home. It’s
Steve
Jobs, not
Eve
Jobs.

Women evolved to take care of the young and feed their families. This is irrefutable
fact
. But that doesn’t preclude some women from leaving the home (Mrs. Claus, I’m looking at you). They venture out into the world and leave their families behind. It’s a tragedy on an epic scale. Shouldn’t being your best girlfriend’s best friend be job enough for you? My best friend Emma put “best friend” as her profession on her tax returns! In fact, she put “best friend” in every box on her tax returns! She’s so adorable. I have to go visit her in prison once I get out of here.
FIG. 8.6

FIG. 8.6

I have to say, my opinion on the matter
has
changed a little since I was locked in a basement. That’s probably why I didn’t write about it before. If I had never ventured out into the yard in my sexy pajamas, I never would have ended up here. That’s why I’ve always admired women who
stay in their homes the most. You might be thinking that I’m a hypocrite, because writing this book could be considered a professional writing job. But, in my defense, I am in a basement now! A woman’s place is in the home! Specifically, the basement of someone else’s home!

Sure, the women I’ve discussed in this chapter had jobs that helped the human race and garnered them acclaim. But remember, there’s ALWAYS a place in a home for you, especially if your captor is really stepping up and being a man by fully supporting you! Fuck you, Mrs. Claus, your children are going to grow up as hoodlums!!!!!!
FIG. 8.7
I feel so weak those exclamation points exhausted me please give me more water Daddy.