Science...For Her! (43 page)

Earth is the only planet known to harbor life, but there is a lot of research going into finding life on other planets. We call life outside of Earth
extraterrestrial life
, or
alien life
. Alien life is different from just aliens from Mexico or whatever, though maybe they’ll be as good at being maids as the aliens from Mexico! I honestly don’t know what I would do without my maid Pilar, who is one of my
mejor amigas
and DEFINITELY a naturalized citizen WINK WINK. Like I always say, cleanliness is next to godliness which is diagonally across from Mexicanliness (LUV U, PILAR!).
FIG. 7.7

FIG. 7.7

The best part of finding intelligent life in space is that we’ll
finally
have competition for Miss Universe! I’m sick of all these Earth bitches winning year after year. Sorry I called them bitches! I am honestly so happy every day with my coma-man (“coman”???) that I don’t know why I even use the b-word anymore. The only b-word I’m going to use from now on is “bathing sponge”! That’s when my coman and I are the closest, when I’m softly sponge-bathing his bedsore scars. ;) It’s like, ever heard of manscaping, guy?! Use a little scar cream, babe! Hahahahaha we’re in LOVE!

When we
do
find intelligent life on other planets, you’re going to want to be first in line to date them. And hey, if it’s
intelligent
life, that’s still better than most male life on Earth! Haw haw! My guy has a post-coma IQ of 23, but a DICK-Q of 10 . . . inches! Read this next segment to hear the pros and cons about dating the microbes that scientists recently found on Mars.

Let’s transition smoothly into the technology section of this chapter!

Transition accomplished! I am so happy to be living in the time that I am. A hundred years ago, they didn’t have any cool technology, like computers or calculators or 2014 editions of the Zagat guide! I know they say the economy is bad, but sales of 2014 Zagats have never been better.

Before we get too deep into technology, I’d like to issue a small warning. Technology does not equal safety. As a young modern woman (yes, babes! Can I get a “ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR”?!),
FIG. 7.8
we have to be careful everywhere at all times. Not even your e-mail is safe from hackers and spammers.
Spam
tries to hack into your accounts so it can get your credit card numbers (Can I get a “4766 6359 1249 5985 Exp. 03/17 CVV 476”?! That’s my favorite credit card number, it’s SO CUTE!) and buy shoes for itself.

Spamming
is the use of electronic messaging systems to send unsolicited bulk messages, especially advertising, indiscriminately. Spam has been around before the Internet was even invented.

FIG. 7.8

Men are on the Internet, too! Though it sometimes feels like women are the only ones who are single these days, there are plenty of dating sites. It can be overwhelming. When should I use OkCupid, and when should I sit on my butt eating a pint of some fun Ben & Jerry’s ice cream (the Passion Fruit of the Chrust, which is passion fruit and the crusts of French toast)? Use this fun, flirty quiz to find out!

Before you meet someone off the Internet— BE CAREFUL! More than 70 percent of women currently will be murdered by someone off of Craigslist. Are you in public? Look to your left. Look to your right. Both those people will be murdered off Craigslist. By you! Take control of your destiny, bebs—not just men can be serial killers! Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t kill the two people next to you! As someone with a healthy image of mortality, I think I’ll be great at killing someone when I feel ready. Your first time is very special! Don’t use it up on just
anyone
!

Remember that going out on Internet dates can be VERY dangerous. You have no idea if they’re dangerous criminals or ugly! Those two things are equally bad! Take all precautions to protect yourself, goils.
FIG. 7.9

FIG. 7.9