Science...For Her! (44 page)
Now, I know more than anyone (except for maybe Shirlene, my best friend who has never dated anyone and never will because she isn’t confident enough, I tell her that all the time) that it’s hard to find the right guy. Not all of us are lucky enough to have slipped into a life-threatening coma and gotten set up with our soul mates while on a breathing machine. If you don’t find your guy right away, you might want to freeze your eggs.
FIG. 7.10
FIG. 7.10
FUN WAYS
to
FREEZE YOUR EGGS!
1.
Throw those eggs in a chilled Martini-ini™
(martini with a bikini coozie around the glass)! Make sure your martini glass has its beach bod ready!
2.
Freeze them in a huge block of ice and sculpt it into an ice luge!
Send some Absolut™ vodka down your EggLuge™, or, for a little fun, try oySTARS™ (oysters + starfish meat rolls) instead!
3.
Take them in a little FantaPack™
(fanny pack to carry Fanta) on a cruise to Canada™ (Canada was recently purchased by China which now owns the trademark)! Brrrrr! Chilliest place on Earth™ (Earth presented by China)!
4.
Live in Finland™!
I can’t talk about men and the Internet without bringing up
pornography
. Pornography is defined as printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity. It’s apparently a huge part of technology. I’ve never actually seen porn on the Internet, but I believe it exists. It’s like God—you don’t have proof that He exists, but you have to believe it and
self-flagellate
until you have righted your wrongs. Look at how good I’ve gotten! I can flagellate myself a tramp stamp!
FIG. 7.11
FIG. 7.11
Here’s what I imagine porn looks like, based on the hearsay and rumors that float around.
Economics
is the science of the production, distribution, and exchange of goods and services. Can I get a “$$$”? (Pronounced “
Sssssstchkzh.
”) I love money! That’s what I use at malls! Money comes in different forms:
cash
,
coins
,
credit cards
. I’ve always been fascinated by credit cards: how do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card? Answer:
nano-tubes
!
Political economics
is different from me balancing my checkbook after going on a shopping spree. It’s how an entire country balances its checkbook after going on a shopping spree (which is one of my top two types of sprees, right before “killing”!). The United States of America has to handle the economics of 314 million people (aka 157 million eligible bachelors, that’s what I’m talking about, babes! Plenty of fish in the sea!). It’s not easy to finagle, especially since America has been hemorrhaging money in the twenty-first century. That’s why the United States has turned to the crowd-sourcing fund-raising site Kickstarter to fill in the cracks!
by the United States Government
ABOUT THIS PROJECT:
Hi you guys! Joe Biden and the rest of the gang here! :) We’re looking for some awesome people to help us Kickstart our dream project of having a functioning federal government! That’s where you come in: all we’re asking for is a little help. And twenty trillion dollars.
As you may know, we (the United States government) are a little strapped for cash. Salvage a first-world government’s economy? In
this
economy?! As the kids say, “LOL!” (Laugh On Line!) We may be the ones responsible for “this economy” in the first place but still. Uncle Sam may have gotten us into this mess, but WE WANT YOU . . . to GET US OUT!
There is little if any funding available for small-to-midsize debt-based projects such as this. Through Kickstarter, with your support, the country that you live in can remain a free sovereign nation instead of having to sell Ohio to China, ’cause then Ohio would probably start speaking Chinese, and that’s
FUCKED UP
.
A LITTLE BACKGROUND:
For those of you who don’t know, the USA is the best! Originally from England, the United States government has been a major world power since it was founded in 1776. The US has brought you such great things as sugar, mistresses, and obesity. Proud home to milk and Ashton Kutcher. Really into righteous wars!
For those of you into civil rights: no slavery! For those of you into slavery: we used to have slavery!
Imagine that famous picture on the cover of the
Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Issue of Terri Schiavo
holding an American flag. That’s
our
flag! On second thought, I think that was a painting I did in 2004 after doing grass for one of the first times. Still, she looks great in a tankini. As the kids say, “LOL!” (LOL A Lot!)
THE PROJECT:
We’d like the United States to be fiscally autonomous. It’s been in the works for many years now, and we think it could be great. Thanks to Kickstarter, we have a chance to reach individuals who will personally bail us out of this mess. How great for us!
I know it’s a crazy dream, but hey—this is a country of dreamers. Dreamers and Christians.
HELP US, BACKERS, YOU’RE OUR ONLY HOPE!:
Just a little Star Wards humor for ya!
“LOL!”:
Live A Little! Give A Lot (“GOL”)!
PLEASE PLEDGE!:
We’ve tried pretty much everything else at this point: war, selling some cars, literally making more money (you’d think that would work!!), blaming people, blaming gay “people,” war, and debt. None of that has touched the debt. Except debt, which has made the debt worse. Also, war!
If we’re able to meet our Kickstarter goal, you will have literally been part of a miracle. A miracle in the great Judeo-Christian tradition of this fair country. Of dreamers!
82
backers
$2,619
pledged of $200 billion goal
4
days to go
Back This Project
$1 minimum pledge
PLEDGE $10 OR MORE
For your fairly useless donation to help the United States of America not founder under the multi-trillion-dollar debt that we have amassed over decades of misspending and unnecessary wars that some may argue constitute war crimes, you get a tote.
PLEDGE $20 OR MORE
If you donate $20, we will list you as an associate producer of the government by carving your name into the Vietnam War Memorial. You can tell all your friends you’re a ghost because you died in the Vietnam War! You know—the righteous one!
PLEDGE $25 OR MORE
I didn’t want to say this to the $20 people, but those guys are assholes. What kind of an asshole only donates $20 to a multi-trillion-dollar debt that is growing by $4 billion every day and has no sign of slowing? Twenty-five dollars, now that’s the MONEY-money! If you donate $25, you get a tote (large).
PLEDGE $50 OR MORE
You’ve finally taken the responsibility of the country into your own hands! I will make you a tie-dye T-shirt and cook you and five of your friends a hot dog BBQ at my gf’s place.
PLEDGE $100 OR MORE
If you pledge $100, which so far only my mom and Barack’s mother-in-law have done (let’s get on this, people), you will not only receive Special Thanks in the State of the Union as well as on the back of all nickels minted this year at the Denver mint, but Stephanie, our videographer, will take you to a Foster the People concert on October 28, and yes, you can tell people it’s a date. This concert’s going to be great! They’re going to play “Pumped Up Kicks” fourteen times and then, maybe if you clap enough, they’ll do an encore and it will be “Pumped Up Kicks”!
PLEDGE $100,000 OR MORE
Well HEY there, Mr. Hollywood producer! A pledge of $100,000 or more will get you a walk-on role in the next meeting of Congress. Your vote for bills and propositions will be legally binding, so have fun! Don’t name any public parks after racial slurs!
PLEDGE $1,000,000 OR MORE
Here’s Louisiana.
PLEDGE $1,000,000,000 OR MORE
We will change the American flag! We will replace each star with your face. Unless you’re black, since the stars are white and it really makes sense for them to be as close to white as possible. Though if you’re giving a billion dollars, we’ll assume you’re white or maybe a Dubaian light brown!
PLEDGE $1,000,000,050 OR MORE
Everything from the $1,000,000,000 level, plus a tote.
PLEDGE $1,000,000,000,000 OR MORE
Start whatever war you want! You want a new Civil War where Asians have to fight their brown Asian brothers? You got it, bucko! Hate-crime Polacks? A PLUS+++. You want to take over Ireland? Those Polacks haven’t done anything in years. JUST want to kill Disney Channel kid stars? THAT’S PRACTICALLY LEGAL ALREADY! Kill a girl. Kill a kid. You got it.
PLEDGE $20,000,000,000,000 OR MORE
Kill so many kids. (KOL!)