Science...For Her! (22 page)
Radon
and
X-rays
were discovered by Marie Curie. You could say this next section is
X-ray-ted!
Because she invented X-rays, and because here’s a peen!
Marie
CURIE
vs. Marie
CLAIRE
In this piece, I will pit Marie Curie, possibly the greatest female scientist of all time, against
Marie Claire
, a women’s magazine that recently featured a ripped, shirtless Justin Timberlake on the cover. It’s anyone’s game!
MARIE CURIE
Marie Curie was the first woman to win a Nobel Prize, the first person to win two Nobel Prizes, the only woman to win in two fields, and the only person to win in multiple sciences.
MARIE CLAIRE
Has a thing about hairstyles!
—
MARIE CURIE
In 1995, she became the first woman to be entombed on her own merits in the Panthéon, Paris. The curie (symbol Ci), a unit of radioactivity, is named in honor of her and her husband, Pierre. The element with atomic number 96 was named curium.
MARIE CLAIRE
Has a thing about punk-rock nail art!
—
MARIE CURIE
Probably had a bunch of burns on her face from the radiation she was exposed to while discovering radium. Probably didn’t even have the right-shade concealer to hide her radiation burns.
MARIE CLAIRE
Even though she’s a magazine and doesn’t technically have a face, she would never leave the house without looking impeccable.
—
MARIE CURIE
Died from radiation poisoning.
MARIE CLAIRE
Can’t die and will continue to put out magazines FOREVER!!!!
—
MARIE CURIE
A 7 in the right light. The right light does NOT include the glow coming from the radon she kept in her desk drawer. She was a dog in her radiation lab. Like, a 5, at best.
MARIE CLAIRE
Has a thing about beach-ready looks!
—
MARIE CURIE
Real butterface. Because of the radiation burns. Real butterra-diationburnsonherface.
MARIE CLAIRE
Only weighs like a pound. At the most three pounds in September. Lucky!!
—
MARIE CURIE
Didn’t know who Justin Timberlake was. Like some sort of lesbo. Butterfaceisfallingoff.
MARIE CLAIRE
Had him on the cover! And he was RIPPED!!!!!!!!!!! Yo, Justin, are you the condom we use when we have sex and I try to trap you forever by secretly getting pregnant? Because you are SECRETLY RIPPED.
WINNER?
MARIE CLAIRE
!!!!!!!
Obv.
Marie Claire
is my number-one role model and best friend. Sorry, Marie Curie!! Maybe try winning a Nobel Prize in being a BUTTERFACE!!!!
How fun was THAT? No actually, I’m asking. I really don’t know what’s fun or not anymore. I’ve totally lost all concept of “fun.” But that was fun, right?
And, P.S., I’ve been doing some thinking over these few months (but never while I’m driving, don’t worry!). I think I’m ready to end this long-distance relationship with Xander. I’ve even slept with a select few of my favorite football teams to ease the transition! So it looks like I’m back on the market, ladies!
QUESTION 1:
How quickly did you come in the Bucking Bronco position?
ASSERTION 1:
That was a trick question, women can’t come!! (More on this later!)
QUESTION 2:
How do you get vomit off a chicken bone?
QUESTION 3:
Has your menstrual cycle synched with mine yet?
QUESTION 4:
If not, why not? Do you hate me? Are we not best friends anymore? Because I was about to invite you to meet my mom. We were going to have a
Clueless
-themed party and all watch
Clueless
together.
QUESTION 5:
Did question 4 count as one or three questions?
ASSERTION 2:
I love you girls even more than I ever thought I could. :)
PhysicsWhy, Scientifically, Women Can’t Drive . . . for Her!
The Top Woman Driver in America
Get Down on All “Force” and Stick Your Finger in My Butthole
Weight
Laws
Tips, Get It, Instead of “Weight Loss Tips”!
Laws of Physics . . .
Jude
Laws
of Physics! I’m Talkin’ Hotties of Physics! ;)
Flat Planes, Or: My Best Friend Lauren Who Wears a 32A Bra
Let’s Get Physics, Y’All! Recap
LET’S GET PHYSICS, Y’ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEE—I REMEMBERED!!!!!!
LET’S GET PHYSICS, Y’ALL!
(A PARODY OF “PHYSICAL” BY OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN)
I’M SAYING ALL THE THINGS THAT I KNOW YOU’LL LIKE
ABOUT PHYSICS AND SCIENCE
I GOTTA TEACH YOU FACTS JUST RIGHT
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! ;) (PERFORMANCE NOTE: For the winking face, you can either actually wink or sing the words “winking emoticon.”)
I TOOK YOU TO A CHAPTER ON BIOLOGY
AND THEN A REAL CHEMISTRY CHAPTER
THERE’S NOTHING LEFT TO TALK ABOUT
UNLESS IT’S PHYSICS OR ALL THE OTHER CHAPTERS
LET’S GET PHYSICS, Y’ALL
PHYSICS, Y’ALL
I WANNA GET PHYSICS, Y’ALL
LET’S LEARN ABOUT INCLINED PLANES, INCLINED PLANES
LET’S LEARN ABOUT INCLINED PLANES
I think we all agree, that song that I wrote was amazing, gals! So, physics is kind of difficult to teach because it’s not just a soft science like bio and chem, it’s a super
hard science
. Usually I like when things are hard (Can I get a “dick as hard as a diamond and as red as blood, aka a blood diamond”?!), but when it comes to sciences, I like them soft and flaccid, like my boyfriend when I showed him my “twin.”
Physics comes from the Greek φυσική (έπιστήµη), which, loosely translated, means “illegible.” Physics looks at matter through space and time. So, while chemistry studies the mixing of matter, physics studies how matter moves and exists.
Physics is probably the most important science. There are international committees that are charged with making advances in physics. You’d think we as a human race would figure out that there are more important things to spend money on than physics, but I guess not! All that money could be going toward figuring out more kewl things to top frozen yogurt with (NOTE TO SELF: try regular yogurt???), or why you could
be a grown woman and your titties could still look like two little mosquito bites,
Lauren
. Lauren is my best friend who has the tiniest titties. They basically look like two Girl Scout merit badges, except that it’s the opposite of merit. It’s like her chest is a Girl Scout vest and you get badges for worthlessness and she got both the worthlessness badges you get when you have tiny boobs. Boom, Lauren. You got
burned.
And guess who also got burned? Xander, for being a little bitch! I’ve finally moved on! I know you were worried I wasn’t going to get over him so easily, but I am doing great, girls. In the time since I last wrote, I’ve slept with every member of Xander’s ninth-grade hockey team! I am SO OVER HIM!! Over him like his old high school hockey friends were OVER ME as they GANGBANGED ME IN THE PARKING LOT OF AN OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE!!
Before we get into the meat of physics, we gotta review some basic math. Physics is very math-heavy, so if you don’t know math, this is not going to be a fun Wednesday night for you! You might as well break out the Wednesday wine and give it all up!
Let’s quickly cover math basics. Here’s a mnemonic device: 4 before 5 except after 6! Also, remember this little joke to figure out the order of numbers: Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9! And why was 9 afraid of 10? Because 10 is a Crip-affiliated black man!
THIS WINTER’S
TOP TEN NUMBERS
BETWEEN
1
AND
10
Gals, don’t be caught dead using last season’s numerals! This is a list of the new latest trends in counting numbers to warm you up on these cool, flirty nights!
1. 5 | 2. 7 | 3. 10 | 4. 4 | 5. 8 |
6. 9 | 7. 3 | 8. 1 | 9. 6 | 10. 2 |
Up-and-coming numbers: 16, 21, 100
Well, there we go—that’s pretty much all of math! Congrats!
As the old saying goes, women are like snowflakes: they can’t drive. This is a part of science that I feel very passionate about. If I can save even one life of a lady driver or pedestrian (male or female), this whole book-and-writing ensemble will have been worth it.
Fashion check-in time! Right now I’m wearing a white cotton T-shirt that has the left boob cut out, an eye patch over my left nipple, and the bottom half of one of those huge cakes a stripper is supposed to pop out of. I tried to pop out of one for my current boyfriend Anton’s birthday (he played goalie), but I think I’ve put on a little weight in the hips and I couldn’t quite get out. :( I hate that I can’t still fit into my stripper cakes from high school.
We’ve all been there: you’re in your cute little car, singing along to “Firework” by Katy Perry, and suddenly you’ve mowed down six pedestrians and a family of geese
FIG. 3.1
like they were blackheads and you were a super good Bioré blackhead remover strip (SPONSORED TWEET).
Here’s the thing: it’s not your fault! Due to your inherently poor grasp of physics, there is no reason that you
should
be able to drive.
