Authors: JJ Harper
I keep reading the Twitter post;
Grande Valley 10 year reunion class of 2005 June 25
th
Marriott Hotel, Grande Valley 7.30pm till late. Don’t miss it!
I click the accept button quickly so that I don’t change my mind.
I have missed being there, or more truthfully I miss the man I left behind. My life turned to shit overnight and for over two years I hardly lived, my life became an existence, and I was just an object. Something that was used and then when it became too damaged was thrown out, again.
The life I lead now has become so… I struggle to find the right word for it, frantic works, along with crazy or hectic but most importantly secure and safe. I hear Troy enter the room and wait for him to speak. His hand strokes down my hair and over the nape of my neck before resting on my bare shoulder.
“Franco would want you to go Nico. You know he wanted you to face him. You need to apologize, to explain.” His voice is low and musical as he speaks.
I cut him off before he can say the name, the name I can only dare whisper in the night. “I’ve accepted the invite, I’m going to go. It’s time. He may laugh in my face, he may introduce me to his husband. I know it’s gone on way too long.” I turn to look at the painfully beautiful but so sad and broken man. Troy’s rich brown eyes contradicting the paleness of his skin and virtually white-blond hair. Franco loved seeing us with each other saying we each had the others eyes, my bright blue really doesn’t go with my skin tone but the cameras love it. I turn back to the computer screen.
“Good, I’m pleased for you. I think you might be surprised when you get there,” Troy says quietly.
I whip my head around again, scowling at the handsome blond man standing in front of me with his hands on his hips. “Troy, have you looked him up? Shit! You have. I told you to leave it, I don’t want to know. I have to go without any preconceptions or hopes. I need to see what he is now for the first time without knowing more about him than I should. He owes me nothing. Absolutely nothing!”
“I’m sorry Nico. I thought I may have been able to persuade you to go if you knew more about who he is now. I won’t mention it again.” Troy strokes my shoulder and smiles softly. “Franco would be very proud of you right now. He only ever wanted the best for you.”
“I know Troy, and thank you for staying here with me. I know it’s hard for you too. I need to get out of here for a while, will you be okay?”
“I’ll be fine, I’ve got some friends coming over.” His eyes have filled with tears and I pull him into a hug.
“Franco loved you so much. So very much. He wanted you to be happy, to not mourn him for too long. He said you are far too pretty to stay sad, that your smile lights up the room. Keep smiling for him, Troy.”
Standing up I walk past him towards the bedroom, grabbing a T-shirt I pull it over my head then grab my keys and wallet. “I’m going out, I won’t be late.”
“Don’t do anything stupid Nico, stay safe.”
“Always, it’s just an itch that needs scratching. Nothing more.” I smile and walk out.
I’m standing by my pride and joy, my Mustang GT350. She’s a real beauty; white with blue racing stripes. She’s more than just a car to me; she’s a reminder to make the most of my life because it can so easily and quickly be taken away. The pain and grief I have endured and what led to me having her makes me want a better life. Maybe being here isn’t giving me that anymore. I tear down the long private driveway out onto the now quiet and dark streets.
Leaving Grande Valley was never part of my plan, I thought I would be with Ryan and that nobody would care, I had a great home life; my parents were kind and loving so nothing prepared me for their reaction. How could they love me one minute then deny and reject me the next? I shake off the thought. I have tried not to look back, even when looking ahead has been hard and dark many a time. The ache for Ryan has been so strong and so real it has taken every ounce of strength I have to keep away, to let him lead his life without me. With me being a deadbeat, a loser and no good for anyone. Or so I’ve been told. Not for a long time now admittedly, but the crap stuff is always easier to believe than the good stuff.
Driving through the streets I head for the nearest gay bar. It’s not the nicest one here but tonight I need hard and fast, I need to take the need to go home away. As I walk through the door the smell of male sweat, sex and beer hits my nose as I breathe in deeply before looking around, Checking out who is here. I spy Lyle in the corner; he is a huge man standing at six and a half feet tall and well-muscled. He trains at my gym so I know how strong he is. I’ve heard all the stories about him, I know he’s a hard top and more than happy to give it as rough as you need, and tonight I need it hard.
Walking over I watch his eyebrows rise and whether he is aware or not I see his hips jut forward, yeah I see you. My dick strains against the zipper of my jeans, almost bursting out from my briefs, fuck I can feel the fluid forming and dampening the fabric.
“Nico, long time no see,” Lyle’s voice has already lowered; ready to dominate.
“Yeah Lyle, it’s been a while. What are you up to?” I really don’t give a shit what his answer is. I reach out and cup his tight balls through the denim of his black jeans. My mouth is up against his throat before I speak the words I know he wants to hear, “Fuck me Lyle, Fuck me hard.”
“Wha…? Fuck yeah! Where?” His eyes are black and I can feel the heat rising from them.
“Let’s go upstairs, we’ve got people over at mine.” I never take men to my home, I don’t want them to see the real me. My private life is always that; private.
With a small nod of acquiescence, Lyle takes a tight hold of my hand and we weave through the crowds, I can feel the eyes of the envious men bore into me but I shrug them off. Tonight this man and the demon he keeps in his briefs are mine. It takes just minutes to reach his place, he lives above the bar. I have been here a few times but we haven’t fucked, a few hand or blow jobs but never anything more.
As soon as the door slams shut he presses me hard against the wall behind me. Lyle’s tongue invades my mouth. I can taste not only his cigarettes and the beer he has just drunk, but the need, the desire and the lust. It took me a very long time to work out that I’m a bigger commodity than I ever imagined. Apparently I have the ass most of the guys are after. Am I proud? Fuck No. I don't give a shit who fucks me or my ass, my head and heart belongs to Ryan Connelly.
“How do you want to do this? Because I’m happy to do this here. Fuck Nico, I’ve been ready to have your ass for years.” His breath has turned acrid against my neck. I no longer want any intimacy with this man I just want fucking.
“I don’t give a fucking shit. I just want your hot hard cock pounding in and out of me. If you can’t manage that then I’m out of here.” I can feel the tension flowing from his body and the exact moment his body stiffens.
“Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited to hear you say those words?” His warm breath sickens me but the desire for a hot hard cock overwhelms any of my other emotions.
“Stop fucking talking and take my ass!” I hiss the words at him before he takes me seriously and spins me around to face the wall. He then reaches around my waist and rips open the button on my jeans, before dragging the zipper slowly down the hard length of my cock. “For fucks sake Lyle I’m a sure thing, you don’t need to piss about.”
“You may regret what you’ve just asked for.” He pulls my face to his and drags my mouth against his, pushing his tongue deep into my mouth. His hands push the waistband of my jeans and my briefs from my hips and down over my ass, taking them only to mid-thigh before I hear his zipper lower and his hard wet cock slaps against my lower back.
I hear him tear the foil of a condom wrapper open and feel him wrap it over his solid length, and then hear the pop of a lid as he opens the lube.
I watch over my shoulder as his smears the liquid over his latex covered cock, then dribbles it down my ass cheeks to my hole. The feel of his cock between the cheeks of my ass makes me moan and push back against him, grinding against his hips.
“Fuck Nico! What the fuck has got into you? Not that I’m complaining.” His rough calloused fingers pull my cheeks apart and with a less than graceful shove, his cock suddenly sinks balls deep inside me, impaling me.
”Fuuuck!” The muscles at the entrance to my ass are screaming at me, but it feels so damn painfully good I ignore the sting of pain and push back against Lyle. “Again! Again! Fuck I want it harder!”
I know I’m punishing myself for no reason, but just to have this one thing back under my control gives me a kind of relief. Lyle takes heed of my words and in seconds my ass is being pounded. I can tell from his grunts and moans that it won’t take him long to finish, his balls are slapping against me so hard. I know it won’t happen for me. I know I will have to wait until I’m alone in my shower or my bed before I succumb to the feeling of relief, of happiness. Although I relive the act it’s never with the man who’s just fucked me, in my head for just a few moments I’m back with Ryan.
My head comes back into the zone when I feel his arms wrap tightly around my waist, then his body stiffens. I feel his cock lengthen and harden further inside me before he fills the condom with his cum, shouting out loud. His sweaty forehead rests between my shoulder blades while he gets his breathing back under control. I just want the fucker off me.
Seconds later Lyle pulls out of my back passage making me wince as my delicate skin tugs against the condom. “Shit Nico, let’s take this through to the bedroom. I’ve got plenty more of that to come y’know.” His eyebrows twitch making me feel even cheaper.
“Sorry Lyle, I’ve just remembered there’s a guy I need to see, can I take a rain check?” I don’t let him know that the man I need to see is in another state. I finally realize that the emptiness in all the crazy that is my life, is because the only man I need in it is the man I have no right to claim.
“Whatever dude, it’s your loss.” I know I’ve offended Lyle but since I never plan on being fucked by him again I can’t find it in me to care. Pulling my briefs and my pants back up over my now stinging ass, I turn back to the front door, grateful that we never made it out of the hallway. “Thanks Lyle. Be seeing you.” I step through the door into the cold, dark corridor and head off back down the stairs.
I make it quickly back to my car and head home. I walk into the sight of Troy and his friends squabbling and messing over the Xbox and controllers. I forget how young he is sometimes, for him to have aged so much because of the loss of his life partner. I’m happy to see him having fun.
Inside my room I grab a bag and start to pack, I don’t know how long I’ll be away. This may be the shortest trip I’ve made; I may not even make it to the reunion. There’s a strong chance I could be told to fuck off and not come back, but I may be able to at least explain before I leave. In my wildest, barely dare to imagine dreams he welcomes me back. I don’t expect that to happen in real life though, I’m pretty sure he has moved on, ten years is a damn long time.
My laptop, iPad and all the chargers and leads get packed along with enough clothes for a week. That should be enough, anything else can be bought. Wash bag and all that shit get added and lastly some running shoes and shorts go in. Logging on to the internet I search for a decent hotel in Grande Valley, the Marriott, the same place as the reunion, still has a decent room available. My new life has given me the means to stay in nice places, I do a shit load of travelling so I know what I like now.
I glance quickly around my room for one last check then pick up my luggage and head out. I walk slowly down the stairs taking a long look around the beautiful home I have, realizing how empty it has become. I stop at the entrance to the games room, I see the fun and games have settled down. Looking around for Troy I see him wrapped around some other young twink and smile, then his eyes meet mine and I mouth goodbye, his eyes widen for a second before he nods mouthing ‘I love you’ back to me, then with a small sad smile, I leave.
I see Lyle as I drive down the street and he raises his arm to stop me. This makes me laugh, I’m sure as hell not stopping for him ever again.
I keep driving through the night, the adrenaline buzzing through keeps me focused and awake. I’m hardly aware of the scenery around me. But as the sun rises sending the darkness away, casting bright lights over the red mountains I pull over and stop the car. Stepping onto the still night-cooled asphalt taking a deep breath in, I can feel my lungs expand and fill with the cool fresh air. My heart beats faster as I embrace my epiphany. I no longer want to hide; I want to show the haters that I have survived, that I am a good man. I refuse to dwell on what I have left behind, the business I love and the clients I will miss. Clients are always transient, they get the results they want and then walk away. Now it’s time for me to get the results I want. I’ll talk to Troy, we can make a decision about the gyms later. I know Franco only wanted me to be happy.
My cell phone buzzes with text messages a few times but it won’t be anything important. I have no important meetings or engagements scheduled; I made sure my diary was clear around this date. I didn’t ever think I would be brave enough to do this, to go back, but now I have a fire raging through me that’s pushing me forward.
My ruminations are interrupted by the shrill ring of my cell, when I look down I see Troy’s face. “Hey Troy, are you okay?” I’ve been looking after him for so long it’s my go to question.