Reunion (9 page)

“What? Nothing. I just liked it, it’s a nice house.” He walks ahead of me and enters his bedroom. “C’mon let’s get cleaned up.”

We get ready without any more talk of the house. I’m waiting for him to pick up on it again, I suppose I’ll have to tell him, but I know it will hurt both of us to bring up my past.

“We’ll get a cab, then we can both have a beer if we want.” I look up at him as he finishes dressing and I take a long time checking him out.

“Stop staring at me Ryan, you’re making me nervous.” He laughs, brushing his hands down the front of his charcoal grey, fitted, button down shirt. It fits him across his chest and I can see the outline of the jewelry through his nipple. “Do I look okay?”

The shirt tucks neatly into a pair of smart black pants showing off his trim waist and his fantastic ass. “Fuck Nico, you look edible! Your ass is driving me wild. I’m not sure if I want to share you with two other gay men.”

“Whatever babe, it’s you they’ll be drooling over.” He leans across to me and pecks my mouth quickly then groans. “God you smell so good.”

“Come on let’s go. I think we’ll have a good time tonight.” I grab my wallet and cell phone as he walks out of the bedroom in front of me. He gives his ass a wiggle as he steps away but I manage to give it a hard smack. “Don’t tease me Nicky or we won’t be going anywhere.”

We had arranged to meet Marcus and Tate at a steakhouse not far from the hotel. When we get there, it’s really busy. With the reunion taking place tomorrow there are a lot of faces I recognize many I haven’t seen in a long time. There isn’t that much to do here therefore when most finished at college they just didn’t come back. Hell, even I escaped for a few long years.

The hostess leads us to our table but only Marcus is sitting down, waiting.

“Hi Marcus, where’s Tate?” I expect him to say he’s in the restroom or something but Marcus looks pissed.

“He couldn’t make it; he said he had a migraine coming on. I’ve never known him have one before.” He looks hurt that he has to come out alone.

“Maybe it’s all a bit too much for him? There are so many people here that are strangers to him.” Nico tries to sooth Marcus’s nerves.

“Yeah maybe, I gave him the choice to come here or stay at home and he was all for coming along. My parents moved away down to Florida when I went to college so I haven’t had any reason before to come back here.”

“Then maybe it is a migraine from the tension of being here.” I sympathize with Marcus.

The conversation relaxes after that and it’s a good evening, which surprises me I suppose. I had never really been friends with Marcus and I had no idea he was gay. I am envious of his relationship with his husband though, I feel cheated out of time with Nico and reach out to hold his hand for confirmation that he is back here with me, and he gives me a tiny half smile and a wink in return.

There is no surprise that Marcus now owns a computer software design company specializing in online security, but I am surprised that he has so quickly become one of the best in the country. Rivaling only one other.

The conversation moves on to Nico’s injuries and about the attackers, as we recap at how awful the three assailants were at school with only a small amount of power and how easily they have become powerhouses in this town.

“They were bullies all the way through high school so it’s no surprise they are still like it.” Marcus was at the receiving end of their jibes and taunts throughout his high school years, not for his sexuality but for being smart and studious.

“I wasn’t always this cool.” He jokes. “You know I was the school geek, the nerd. No good at sports, so I spent most of my gym classes stuffed in my locker.” Marcus doesn’t sound bitter which is admirable, I’m not sure I would be as pragmatic as he is.

“I got away with it because I was on the football team with them, Nico was on the track team so he had his fair share of hassle.” I look at my man. “You didn’t let it bother you too much, did you?”

“Nah, I had you, I didn’t care what they thought, I think they were just jealous.” He lifts our joined hands and kisses the back of mine.

Nico seemed really quiet all through dinner, not that he didn’t join in, he did but he didn’t disclose much about himself and was uncomfortable talking about his work, he never mentioned where he lived which made me curious as to why he wouldn’t.

We laughed over many old memories, and when the evening comes to a close it feels like we have made a new friend who luckily lives reasonably close to here so I think we will keep in touch. Of course we will see Marcus and Tate tomorrow at the reunion too.

“Come on Nicky, let’s go home.” I pull him close to me as we wait for a cab. “I’ve waited ten long years to say those words to you.”

“I’ve wanted to hear them every day I was gone. I missed you so much.” Nico whispers in my ear sending shivers down my spine.

I know he’s being truthful when he says that he’s missed me, but he knew where I was or at least where I could be found the whole time and he didn’t come back or even look me up. I didn’t have a choice; I had no idea where he was and although I could have traced him after seeing him in magazines, why should I? He left me. I don’t pay much attention to the journey home and although my hand is still in his I’m lost in my own thoughts. Is he going to leave again on Sunday and disappear again? Will he at least leave me a phone number, shit even an email address would be a start.

We get back inside and I head straight off to the kitchen, there’s a bottle of Patrón with my name all over it. My fears and worries have started roaring at me, I can feel the panic rising at the thought of him leaving me again. Why wouldn’t he? He’s done it before after we declared our love. Shit. He’s going to do it. He’s going to leave me with no way of finding him again!

“Hey, hey Ryan, what’s going on? What’s the matter? Why am I suddenly getting the cold shoulder? What did I do wrong?” I can hear the panic in his voice and I look at his face, his beautiful face. The one I have thought about every fucking day since he walked away from me and I just shake my head.

“You have no idea, have you? No damn idea of what I went through.” The stopper comes out of the bottle and I slosh some of the potent liquid into a glass.

“What are you talking about? Tonight? Did I do something tonight?” He starts to pace and rake his hands through his hair. “Talk to me Ryan, tell me what I did wrong.”

“Why? What difference does it make? You haven’t cared what I thought or what I was doing for ten years. So why were you suddenly bothered tonight? Was it hearing about two incredibly happy, loved-up men and realizing that it could have been like that for us? Because I fucking felt it and I am so very fucking jealous of them.”

“I don’t know Ryan, I guess I did feel envious of how happy Marcus was; how much he talked and knew about his husband. But Ryan, that didn’t happen to us, we weren’t that lucky; to have had years together. I have thought of you and wondered what you were doing every single day.”

I have to interrupt him. “Really how much did you wonder? Enough to make you pick up your phone, hell, you knew where I lived, a fucking letter would have been a start!” I pour another drink and down it in one go not even shuddering at this one.

I watch my lover, my past and my future walk back into the hallway and I see him go to walk up the stairs. I pour another glass but don’t take a drink of it; I’m watching and waiting to see if he comes back downstairs.

It takes him five more minutes and when he does I see his bag in his hand. “I’m going to head back to the hotel, I’ve called them and they’ve found me another room. I’ll come back in the morning, if you’ve gotten over your tantrum by then. So enjoy the rest of the bottle Ryan, if that’s more important than talking things through.”

He turns to walk away again. “Don’t push your luck Nico, I’m not the push over I was ten years ago. You could do well to remember that.” I didn’t expect to sound as harsh as I did, but I realize that I do need him to know that. The grief of ten years ago suddenly builds up inside me begging to be let out. My legs suddenly feel weak and I move to sit down not even bothering to look up at the man that has caused me so much pain.

My hands move up into my hair desperate to grasp on to something real, something that isn’t so transient with my emotions.

“Fuck Ryan, I never thought of you like that.” His voice is pained but I can’t be bothered to care.

I can’t even bring my eyes up to look at him; the pain of the rejection I felt all those years ago suddenly raises its ugly head again.

“Yeah right. It didn’t stop you from walking away without even a backward glance. From leaving me heartbroken and alone, you still did that didn’t you?” My throat is painful, hoarse with raw emotion.

“Yes, but I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to leave you.” Nico’s voice is strong, determined whereas mine is quiet and painful.

“You could have asked me to come with you. I would’ve y’know, if only you’d asked.” I can feel the wetness of my tears on my cheeks but I won’t let him to see them.

“Shit Ryan, my family, my own flesh and blood had just thrown me to the curb. I couldn’t think straight, I didn’t know what to do!” I can see his feet as he paces in front of me.

“I could have been your family, your future but you chose to throw me to the curb just as painfully.” I draw a painful breath into my lungs wondering how the fuck we went from me imagining him in my life for always to being so painfully broken again.

“You have no fucking idea what you left behind Nico! You don’t know about the taunts and jibes I suffered, from when I just became not just the faggot but the faggot that got dumped. You left before the dog shit got dumped on my mom’s doorstep. All of her friends turned her away. All because I was gay!” I take a deep breath remembering my mom crying and it all being my fault entirely. My glass hits the wall and shatters everywhere as my anger boils over.

“Fuck, shit Ryan I’m s…”

I interrupt him, my eyes meeting his. “Don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry, don’t you fucking dare! She moved away you know? My mom. She left, she said she was too embarrassed, not just because I was gay but because I was a dumped, thrown away gay. So don’t you dare apologize Nico. Do you want to know what I’ve done for the last ten years? With you and my mom gone I had no-one to turn to, so I joined the army.”

I see the look of shock flash across his face. “Yeah, I did one tour in Iraq and two in Afghanistan. I’ve seen humanity at its worse, I’ve had to learn to take life one day at a time in case it’s your last, because it could be, fuck it was to a lot of my buddies! I’ve seen women and children blown to pieces; I’ve seen children armed with guns trained to kill us.” I start rubbing the top of my arm over one of the most important pieces of art I have on my skin.

I’ve opened a huge can of worms now and every bit of anger and resentment is bursting from me and I can’t stop it. “I didn’t even hear about my mother’s death until I’d done my time and left coming back home to find out I wasn’t there for her when she needed me; that thought nearly killed me. I let her down again and although I wanted to blame you I couldn’t because I love you. I stayed here; I bought my house, then I decided to join the police force because I needed to be here in case you ever looked for me. In case you ever decided to come home.” My voice finally breaks and I begin to sob, the tears flowing down my cheeks like a waterfall.

“Christ, Ryan!” I see Nico’s feet and then his knees as he slowly tentatively approaches me, he kneels in front of me, his hands grip my thighs and his head leans down to touch my knees. “Fuck Ryan, there aren’t enough hours in the day or days in the week. Hell, there aren’t enough years left in this century to apologize to you enough. To take away your pain, to repay you. I don’t even know the right words to even start to say I’m sorry.”

“You can’t Nico.” My hand touches the top of his head and I feel the shiver of what? What emotion is he carrying? Shame? Pity? Disdain? Shit I hope not, that is not what I want from him.

But I was wrong on all three counts because when my eyes finally blink through the hurt and tears I can only see regret and remorse in his, because that is the only feeling I have for him. Apart from want, and need, because fuck me I still want him. But I want him to want me as much. His eyes swim with tears as much as mine and our cheeks are equally as drenched.

“You can’t make this better, you can’t take away the snickers from assholes like Palmer because you weren’t strong enough to stick around. Y’know my mom said that she could have coped with me being gay if you’d stuck around. She wouldn’t have been ashamed if I’d been happy. But she said it was all for nothing. How the fuck do you think that made me feel? Knowing she was ashamed of me because of what you did, not because of what we did together but because you left me behind.”

“I don’t know Ryan. I don’t know what you want me to say, what you want me to do. Please Ryan, baby, tell me how to make this better?” His mouth touches my forehead in the softest of kisses, shattering my resolve, melting my heart.

Lifting my eyes up to finally meet his, I sigh almost warily because this is do or die time. “Really? Do you really want to know?” I can hear the heaviness in my voice, the weariness of my tone.

“Yes Ryan, I really want to know,” His mouth brushes fleetingly, desperately over mine, almost but not quite weakening my resolve.

“You can stay.” No more fancy words, no more embellishments. He either stays or he goes, no-one else knows, with the exception of the assholes that jumped him and Marcus and Tate, about him being here. He stands up tall in front of me, watching me before he answers.