Read Rita Lakin_Gladdy Gold_01 Online
Authors: Getting Old Is Murder
GETTING OLD IS MURDER
Contents
Chapter 4: The Designated
Driver
Chapter 5: Going into Town,
Or Trying to
Chapter 7: No Rest for the
Weary
Chapter 8: Library and
Liberation
Chapter 10: A Waltons' Good
Night
Chapter 12: Getting Old Is
Murder
Chapter 13: Funerals on the
Run
Chapter 16: Keystone Kops
and Nosy Neighbors
Chapter 18: Old-Timer's
Disease
Chapter 19: Gladdy's
Gladiators
Chapter 21: Kronk Strikes
Again
Chapter 22: Ye Olde
Curiosity Shoppe
Chapter 25: Sing Gypsy, Cry
Gypsy, Die Gypsy
Chapter 27: Digging up the
Dirt?
Chapter 28: Where Did
Everybody Go?
Chapter 34: Back in
Business Again
Chapter 35: Warning the
Victim-to-Be
Chapter 37: Stuck in the
Minimall
Chapter 38: No Way to Treat
a Mother
Chapter 39: Death by Poppy
Seed
Chapter 40: The Cop and the
Private Eye
Chapter 41: M Is for
Mothers and Murder
Chapter 43: To Sleep,
Perchance to Dream
Chapter 47: The Very Sad
Story of a Very Foolish Mother
Chapter 50: The New Old
(Not an Oxymoron)
Preview of Getting
Old Is the Best Revenge
For
MY BELOVED MOTHER, GLADYS,
Who coulda, woulda, shoulda
been Gladdy Gold
and
MY DEAREST AUNT ANN
Who inspired me all my life
You know that old trees just grow stronger
And old rivers grow wilder every day
But old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say,
"Hello in there. Hello."
Hello in There
BY
J
OHN
P
RINE
"Let's face it.
We all have the same five relatives."
Billy Crystal
If one life matters
Then all life matters
A Christian meditation
"The golden years have come at last
Well, the golden years can kiss my ass."
Hy Binder, taken from the Internet
Introduction to Our Characters
GLADDY & HER GLADIATORS
Gladys (Gladdy) Gold, 75
Our heroine, and
her
funny, adorable, sometimes impossible partners:
Evelyn (Evvie) Markowitz, 73
Gladdy's
sister.
Logical, a regular Sherlock Holmes
Ida Franz, 71
Stubborn, mean, great for
in-your-face confrontation
Bella Fox, 83
"The shadow." She's so
forgettable, she's perfect for surveillance, but smarter than you think
Sophie Meyerbeer, 80
Master of disguises,
she
lives for color-coordination
Francie Charles, 77
Always optimistic,
Gladdy's best friend
YENTAS, KIBITZERS, SUFFERERS:
THE INHABITANTS OF PHASE TWO
Hy Binder, 88
A man of a thousand jokes, all
of them tasteless
Lola Binder, 78
His wife, who hasn't a
thought in her head that he hasn't put there
Denny Ryan, 42
The handyman. Sweet, kind,
mentally slow
Enya Slovak, 84
Survivor of "the camps" but
never survived
Harriet Feder, 44
"Poor Harriet," stuck with
caring for her mother
Esther Feder, 77
Harriet's mom in a
wheelchair. What a nag
Tessie Hoffman, 56
Chubby, in mourning for
her best friend
Millie Weiss, 80
Suffering with Alzheimer's,
and
Irving Weiss, 86
Suffering because she's
suffering
Mary Mueller, 60
and
John Mueller, 60
Nosy neighbors
ODDBALLS AND FRUITCAKES
The Canadians, 30ish
Young, tan, and clueless
Leo (Mr. Sleaze) Slezak, 50
Smarmy real
estate broker
Greta Kronk, 88
Crazy like a fox
Sol Spankowitz, 79
A lech after the ladies
THE COP AND THE COP'S POP
Morgan (Morrie) Langford, 35
Tall, lanky,
sweet, and smart
Jack Langford, 75
Handsome and romantic
THE LIBRARY MAVENS
Conchetta Aguilar, 38
Her Cuban coffee could
grow hair on your chest
Barney Schwartz, 27
Loves a good puzzle
AND
Yolanda Diaz, 22
Her English is bad, but her
heart is good
Gladdy's Glossary
Yiddish (meaning Jewish) came into being between the
ninth and twelfth centuries in Germany as adaptation of German dialect
to the special uses of Jewish religious life.
In the early twentieth century, Yiddish was spoken by
eleven million Jews in Eastern Europe and the United States. Its use
declined radically. However, lately there has been a renewed interest
in embracing Yiddish once again as a connection to Jewish culture.
a choleria
a curse on you (get cholera)
a klog iz mi
woe is me
aleha ha-shalom
rest in peace
alter kuckers
lecherous old men
chozzerai
a lot of nonsense
dreck
dirt, filth
fahputzed
overly done
farbissener
embittered person
farblondjet
bewildered
gefilte fish
stuffed fish
geshrei
uproar
gonif
thief
Gott im Himmel
God in heaven
Kaddish
mourner's prayer
kasha
buckwheat groats
kasha varnishkas
groats & bowtie noodles
kibitz
someone offering unwanted
advice
knish
meat or potato filled
wonton
kreplach
like a wonton
kurveh
whore
kvetch
whining & complaining
maven
someone who knows
everything
meeskite
ugly one
meshugeneh
crazy
mitzvah
a blessing
ongepatshket
overdone, cluttered
oy
an exclamation for
emotions
oy gevalt
an anguished cry
pisher
a squirt, a nobody
putz
penis
rugallah
pastry with fillings
schlep
dragging a load
schmaltz
fat
schmear
to coat with butter or
cream cheese
shayner boychik
darling boy
shayner kindlach
beautiful children
shikseh
non-Jewish girl
shmegegi
a fool
shnapps
whiskey
shpilkes
on pins and needles
vantz
bedbug
vay iz mir
woe is me
yenta
busybody
Death by Delivery
T
he poison was in the pot
roast.
In a few hours Selma Beller would be dead. This was
regrettable because tomorrow was her birthday and she was so looking
forward to it. Her husband, Ernie, had keeled over at seventy-nine.
Having beaten him at gin rummy and shuffleboard, she had gleefully
intended to beat him yet again, this time to the big eight-oh. Alas,
poor Selma.
While she was waiting to die, Selma was dusting.
Dust was her enemy. And she battled mightily. No
fragile feather duster for her. And forget that sissy stuff like lemon
Pledge. She used good old-fashioned Lysol, confident that neither dust
nor germ escaped its lethal dose. Death to dust, she thought and then
laughed, dust to dust.
Looking up, Selma glanced at the clock. Where
had
the
afternoon gone? It was nearly dinnertime. Too bad her best (and only)
friend, Tessie, was busy tonight with out-of-town visitors. She should
have gone shopping this morning. Oh, well, there was always cottage
cheese, with a piece of cut-up peach and some sour cream. She wrinkled
up her nose. What she really craved was red meat. Bloody and rare.
There was a knock on the door.
Selma groped around for her glasses, misplaced, as
usual. Giving up, she moved as quickly as she could manage toward the
door, automatically straightening the doily on the arm of her emerald
green recliner. Glancing toward the array of grandchildren's photos on
her foyer table, she blew a kiss at the smiling faces.
"Who is it?" she trilled. She would never open the
door to a stranger.
"Delivery. Meals on Wheels."
Squinting through the peephole, Selma, though her
vision was blurred, identified the familiar shopping bags with the
Meals on Wheels logo. A volunteer wearing jeans, a windbreaker, a
baseball cap, and sunglasses stood there, arms full.
"Wrong apartment," she said wistfully.
"Mrs. Beller? Apartment two-fifteen?"
"Yes, but I didn't order--"
"Happy birthday to you from Meals on Wheels. A
special introductory order."
"Really?" Selma was feeling the beginnings of hope.
"Something smells wonderful. What's in the bags?"
The volunteer consulted a piece of paper. "Pot
roast.
Stuffed cabbage rolls. Mushroom and barley soup, potato pancakes with
sour cream, and apple strudel for dessert."
Practically drooling, Selma unlocked the deadbolt
her
son, Heshy, had installed, then the other two safety locks.
She squinted again as the volunteer entered with the
packages. "Don't I know you? You look familiar. . . ." But Selma was
distracted as she sniffed the air in appreciation. "I can't wait," she
said as she took the bags and carried them into her spotless kitchen.
She quickly unwrapped the containers and began setting them out on her
best Melmac dishes on her small white Formica dinette table.
"I just hope the soup isn't too salty. My blood
pressure, you know."
A wrought-iron chair was pulled out for her.
Smiling,
she let herself be seated.
"At your service, Mrs. Beller."
"What a way to go." Selma giggled, tucking her
napkin
in.
Those were Selma Beller's final words. The last
thing
she
saw as she was starting to lose consciousness was the logo on the Meals
on Wheels shopping bags as the killer calmly refolded them, and her
last fading thought was that the pot roast had been a little stringy. .
. .