Read Real Ultimate Power Online
Authors: Robert Hamburger
Real Ultimate Power (18 page)
A Ninja Makes a Telephone Call
| Guy: | Hello |
| Ninja: | Hey. |
| Guy: | What do you want? |
| Ninja: | Just called to see if you enjoyed getting your ass beat? |
| Guy: | Wouldn't know. |
| Ninja: | Yeah, right. I beat your ass so bad, you must have forgot. |
| Guy: | Maybe, I beat YOUR ASS so bad YOU forgot! |
| Ninja: | The only thing I forgot was how stupid you are, but you just reminded me. Thanks. |
| Guy: | What kind of person gets their ass beat and then turns around and thinks they beat somebody's ass? |
| Ninja: | You. |
Ninja Sword
The scene opens up to about a billion pirates laughing their asses off.
What could they be laughing at,
the audience will probably ask. All the pirates look SOOO confident. The audience will then see the back of a ninja, facing all the pirates. His uniform is pure black. He's alone and he doesn't even blink, but the pirates do and when they start thinking about blinking and their eyes being dry, they can't stop. Then one pirate runs over and hands the ninja a note. He opens it up and it says, “There's no way you're going to beat the pirates. You're just one retarded ninja and there are so many of us and we're awesome.” The ninja calmly folds up the piece of paper and places it in his front pocket. Then he takes out a pen and writes them a letter that says, “Yeah, right.” He folds it hard and throws it at the messenger's face and it cuts his forehead. Then the pirates take turns reading it and they get so mad. Finally, one pirate rips it up, because he's so full of anger. All the pirates start running to kill the ninja. As they run toward this lonely simple ninja, pump-up music starts playing slowly. Everybody is running at him real slow. The ninja pulls out his sword and his hand grips it so hard that blood drips from his knuckles, and when the blood hits the ground, grass starts exploding in slow-mo. Then the ninja digs his feet into the ground and the pirates get their toys ready. And, as they're about to get the ninja, BOOM! the ninja swings his sword so hard, a nuclear explosion happens right on one guy's frigg'n face and pump-up music comes harder than it was playing earlier and the ninja grows about a thousand feet tall and his suit grows, too, and the pirates' butts pucker because of fear and the ninja's voice sounds like an angry monster and WHAM! he would just frigg'n stomp on the frigg'n wimps and they would explode so hard. And the ninja chases them down a hill where they start slipping because it rained earlier and the ninja starts cutting down mountains and mountains start screaming and he sees the last bunch of pirates crumpled up in a pasture, squealing, and the ninja bends over and starts munching on them like a crazy cow. And then the ninja slams his sword in the ground and flies off into space because no one understands him and the sword is still there somewhere in that silly pasture where a bunch of animals sniff it and don't even understand what the hell happened on that badass Sunday.
What could they be laughing at,
the audience will probably ask. All the pirates look SOOO confident. The audience will then see the back of a ninja, facing all the pirates. His uniform is pure black. He's alone and he doesn't even blink, but the pirates do and when they start thinking about blinking and their eyes being dry, they can't stop. Then one pirate runs over and hands the ninja a note. He opens it up and it says, “There's no way you're going to beat the pirates. You're just one retarded ninja and there are so many of us and we're awesome.” The ninja calmly folds up the piece of paper and places it in his front pocket. Then he takes out a pen and writes them a letter that says, “Yeah, right.” He folds it hard and throws it at the messenger's face and it cuts his forehead. Then the pirates take turns reading it and they get so mad. Finally, one pirate rips it up, because he's so full of anger. All the pirates start running to kill the ninja. As they run toward this lonely simple ninja, pump-up music starts playing slowly. Everybody is running at him real slow. The ninja pulls out his sword and his hand grips it so hard that blood drips from his knuckles, and when the blood hits the ground, grass starts exploding in slow-mo. Then the ninja digs his feet into the ground and the pirates get their toys ready. And, as they're about to get the ninja, BOOM! the ninja swings his sword so hard, a nuclear explosion happens right on one guy's frigg'n face and pump-up music comes harder than it was playing earlier and the ninja grows about a thousand feet tall and his suit grows, too, and the pirates' butts pucker because of fear and the ninja's voice sounds like an angry monster and WHAM! he would just frigg'n stomp on the frigg'n wimps and they would explode so hard. And the ninja chases them down a hill where they start slipping because it rained earlier and the ninja starts cutting down mountains and mountains start screaming and he sees the last bunch of pirates crumpled up in a pasture, squealing, and the ninja bends over and starts munching on them like a crazy cow. And then the ninja slams his sword in the ground and flies off into space because no one understands him and the sword is still there somewhere in that silly pasture where a bunch of animals sniff it and don't even understand what the hell happened on that badass Sunday.
Â
Now, I bet you can't stop thinking about ninja swords. I will never stop thinking about them. The best way to express your feelings about somebody you don't like is to cut off their head. That way, there's no misunderstanding. Oh, hello, didn't you say that I'm the only kid you'll ever baby-sit? Oh, you don't go around town and baby-sit anybody with two legs? Then BOOM! That neck is spitting sap all over the front lawn. And, oh, you want to be buddies till we die? That sounds really nice. Oh, wait, you changed your mind? I understand. And then I start punching you until my hand breaks through your chest and I rip up all the cords. And oh, we're not having spicy chili tonight? Nobody cares what I want for dinner? Then how about I stomp on your face till it looks like spicy chili and then I'll eat it in a fancy restaurant full of people just begging to hang out with me.
Ninjas don't mess around and lie to you like certain people do. Ninjas kill people. And even if they kill you, at least you know how they really feel about you. And isn't that worth dying for? I mean, everybody has to die of something. Everybody. And I don't know about you, but it would be a lot sweeter if my gravestone said, “A sweet ass ninja killed this badass kid,” than if it said, “This moron choked on a plum.” So if you have any brains, you should probably pick the first one. But that's just my personal opinion.
Now, if you can't find a sword laying around your house, you can probably use something else. The bad part is that you have to hit somebody A LOT to kill them with a fake sword, but sometimes that isn't a problem. To make a fake sword, you can either cut one out of cardboard or just use some plastic knives. I would prefer to use cardboard because you can make a much huger sword, but sometimes you just want to have small
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When Ninjas Die
B
efore a ninja leaves his house, he's got to be fearless. There's so much to be afraid of: bats, monsters, clowns, kidnappers, and floating eyes. But everybody's afraid of dying, which is weird because death happens to everyone. It would be like being afraid of peeing in the showerâit's gonna happen, so why get all crazy about it?
efore a ninja leaves his house, he's got to be fearless. There's so much to be afraid of: bats, monsters, clowns, kidnappers, and floating eyes. But everybody's afraid of dying, which is weird because death happens to everyone. It would be like being afraid of peeing in the showerâit's gonna happen, so why get all crazy about it?
I used to be really scared about dying when I was younger. But, listen homey, there isn't much to worry about. I mean, think about when you were in your mother's vagina, before you were born. Everything was fluffy and warm. Nobody was yelling at you; and if they were, it was muffled and funny sounding. And I bet you were pretty cranky and afraid when you had to come out. But now, if I were to ask if you wanted to go back, you'd say, “No way! That would be sick.” Well, that's kinda what heaven's likeâyou're afraid to go, but once you get there you don't want to come back to Earth, because it would be like sticking your head back into your mom's vagina. So when you look at it that way, there's really not much for you to be afraid of, since you'll enjoy heaven in the end. And guess what, in heaven, parents are a faux pas. And ninjas and kids can hang out whenever they like. And in heaven, you use your mind to do things instead of your body. You can just leave your body on Earth for animals to chew on. There are no physical or mental boundaries eitherâyou can even smoke a breadstick, if you have the willpower. And there are bubbles and clouds and floating pillows that play soft music. And if you're worried that ninjas can't kill people in heaven, you can relax and have another sip of pop. Just because they're in heaven doesn't mean they are any less sweet. The game is the same, but the rules are just a little different. Instead of using ropes and pajama pants to strangle people, they use clouds and halos, which really isn't that bad when you think about it. Other than that, everything's pretty much the same. I hope you feel better now, 'cause I know I do. See ya later, amigo!
How to Commit Seppuku with a Frisbee
Did You Know?
With ninjas, there are no new answers, just new questions.
S
eppuku is the ancient art of killing yourself if you get super pissed and can't find anybody else to kill. Ninjas use all sorts of crap to kill themselvesâguns, ropes, knives, lasers, spears, etc.âand don't even think twice about it. These guys would kill themselves for just about any reason and often for no reason at all. That's why there are so few ninjas today.
eppuku is the ancient art of killing yourself if you get super pissed and can't find anybody else to kill. Ninjas use all sorts of crap to kill themselvesâguns, ropes, knives, lasers, spears, etc.âand don't even think twice about it. These guys would kill themselves for just about any reason and often for no reason at all. That's why there are so few ninjas today.
But if you want to commit seppuku and you're like me, you don't have access to stuff like lasers. But there's hope. I tried to commit seppuku by swallowing a Frisbee a couple of timesâand believe me, it's pretty cool. The only catch is you have to be
really
super pissed off to do it.
really
super pissed off to do it.
| Step 1: | Get a frisbee from the store or a friend. |
| Step 2: | Clean the Frisbee. |
| Step 3: | Make sure your parents aren't around. |
| Step 4: | Put something slippery on it, like butter or cream. |
| Step 5: | Get really, super pissed. |
| Step 6: | Fold the Frisbee, hard (this is crucial). |
| Step 7: | Keep folded and insert Frisbee into mouth, hard. |
| Step 8: | Push hard until you can't see it. |
| Step 9: | Wait. |
| Step 10: | Die. |
If you succeed, everybody will be like, “Holy crap!” But if you don't succeed, try again tomorrow, but do it even
harder.
harder.
Â
Little Tiny Hippo (continued)
S
CENE
2:
CENE
2:
After a bunch of ninjas finish completely beating the pirates' butts, the ninjas go searching for the little tiny hippo. They find Roberq hiding in bushes/leaves and he's completely freaking out. One ninja nicely leans over and says, “Yo, do wanna hang out with us?” And the little tiny hippo asks, “Like best friends and everything?” And the ninjas are like, “Totally, and that's a fact.”
Â
Then Roberq's new best friends take him to a super safe place
hidden deep inside a huge magical forest full of sweetness
where no little hippos are insulted or beaten
and hippos can be whatever they want
and most importantly
where someone
would listen
to
me.
hidden deep inside a huge magical forest full of sweetness
where no little hippos are insulted or beaten
and hippos can be whatever they want
and most importantly
where someone
would listen
to
me.
Fin
(ished)
(ished)
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