Real Ultimate Power (16 page)

There was this huge doghouse on top of a hill. Nobody had ever been in it, but people knew it was either full of ghosts or dogs. So either way, it was basically
off limits.
One simple boy was so curious that he decided to find out what was going on up there, but his sister was like, “Wake up, Zach! Let sleeping dogs or ghosts lie.” And it made sense to him. So the kids never went up there. And they ended up dying when they were really old, like normal people.

White smoke is everywhere. Plus, there's soothing music. And way up in the air, a hippo is flying and smiling down at the people below. He's laughing. Everybody is clapping, because the hippo makes them all feel so good. “That damn hippo is something else,” one girl says. “He's so frigg'n nice.”

“Yeah, I know. One time, my older brother went up to him and told him he was a stupid butthole right to his face. Guess what the hippo did?” said one kid.

“What?” asked the girl.

“Nothing. Isn't that hilarious? He didn't do anything.”

“Are you serious? He didn't even get mad?”

“Nope. That hippo is nothing but a worthless piece of crap. He doesn't even know what it means to be alive. In fact, he's so concerned with gaining acceptance from others that he has failed to form anything resembling a personality.”

“I heard he can't slam dunk either,” the girl said.

“I'm not surprised.”

There is this Chinese guy, right? And he's just sitting on bench. Nobody understands why he's sitting there, but he just is. Then, when a nice, happy family with a good father and good mother stroll by with their skinny, fit children, the Chinese guy looks up at them and smiles. And then BOOM! he explodes and rice flies all over the place. The family doesn't say a word and starts running. Their weekend is ruined. After everyone chills, several animals approach the bench where the rice lay. The hippos are the most scared, but also the most intrigued. They sniff, look around, and sniff some more. “What do you think?” one says. “I don't know,” says another. Finally, one hippo, the brave one, whispers, “Let's eat that rice.” And most do. As the rice lay in their stomachs, it wiggles, causing a warm feeling inside. They leave the scene and go back to a field where they lie down in a pile of clean grass. It's warm outside, but there is a nice breeze. They have nothing to do for the rest of the day, so they stare over the field.

There's these aliens who want to blow up the Earth one day. So they capture a bunch of hippos and take them up to space. The aliens are like, “Please, act like how you did on Earth so we can study you, NOW” But the hippos can't because they are so scared. They just pile up in the corner of the spaceship and moan. So the aliens fill their ship full of plants and parents and toys and lake water, but nothing seems to work. The hippos just sit on top of each other, looking out the window back at Earth, afraid of falling. But, before the hippos start to think that space sucks, they look to their left to see another animal there with them—a dog covered with human hair! The hippos and dog talk all day about dog bones and whatever hippos eat—who cares? But while the aliens are doing something stupid, the dog gives the hippos a secret note that says,
Maybe it's time that these aliens learn what hippos are all about.
After secretly reading the secret note, the hippos secretly look right in the dog's eyes. And they see flames, but those flames are really a reflection of
what in the hippos' eyes.
Then the pump-up music really begins. The audience will see the aliens drinking coffee in the control room, laughing about how wimpy the hippos are. And they'll hear a little knock at the door. “Sounds like a wimpy knock,” says one stupid alien. The music will get louder and harder when the alien walks toward the door. Then, as he opens the door, the music stops and dark smoke pours in real slow. Then a huge scream comes out from the smoke, which makes one alien spit coffee all over his bib. The hippos explode through the fog and pump-up music busts out hard, too. The hippos go nuts, like all these juices are pumping through them and it won't stop and they start rocking the spaceship,
hard.
They trample down the aliens sitting in their high chairs and smash them into the wall till their bones explode. Then the hippos run around the whole damn spaceship, causing it to flip around in space, and everything is falling off the shelves and the hippos are falling all over each other, but they don't care, because they are crazy and
they know it.
Then one hippo jumps up and grabs a chandelier and starts spinning around and screams,

“Yo, homies! WE'RE GOING HOME!” The spaceship starts flipping harder and harder and its rocket boosters are going crazy and it starts crashing down toward Earth and then WHAM! they land in this gigantic pond. The door pops off and the aliens jump out because of fear, but they drown right away because they never even heard of water. Welcome to Earth, assholes. And then there is this badass guitar wailing. Wonder where that's coming from? The hippos calmly come out, one by one, all wearing sunglasses and leather jackets. They just walk out of the spaceship, smirking, and don't give a crap. But something very special happened that day. While beating the crap out of the aliens, each hippo, individually and collectively, realized the universe is there for them to destroy and remake as their own and that to exist, they have to take responsibility for their own vibrations and energies not by controlling them, but by becoming aware of them and, most importantly, respecting them. And later, the hippos had a huge party at the lake with pizza and everything. But it ended early because some idiot kid threw a beach ball at a girl's face and her nose crumpled.

Sometimes even when a ninja is relaxed, he's pumped, because that's the way it is. And if you want nice and relaxing crap, go read another book or go to hell, ‘cause
²²²
I'll
²²³
bite
²²⁴
your face off.
²²⁵

One of the first kicks you should learn is the front kick. This kick is simple but complex. And it's great for nuts. Start with one foot forward, with the other eight to twelve inches behind. Keep your feet about shoulder width apart (fig. A). Put your weight on your rear leg. Lift your front knee up high (fig. B). Lean back a little bit and extend your leg, but do not hyperextend the knee (fig. C). Strike target with the ball of the foot. Return your foot to the ground so you can frigg'n run.

Start with your feet shoulder width apart or closer (fig. A). Transfer weight to the right leg. Lift your left knee up high and inward towards your body (fig. B). Now, lean slightly to the right at the waist and rotate your right foot pointing toe away from kick. Now, extend your left leg outward, but do not hyperextend the knee (fig. C). Lower right arm to the side (for balance and looking cool). Rotate hip forward. Strike with the blade of the foot (side) and toes pointed down. Return left foot to side position. Follow-up with another kick or frigg'n book.

 

Start with right side facing target, feet shoulder width apart, and right foot forward. Transfer weight to the right leg. Begin turning towards target, weight on front leg. Lift left knee close to the body. Unload the right knee as turn is executed to avoid knee injury. Rotate right foot, pointing left toe away from kick. Lean slightly to the right at the waist. Point left bended knee at target. Extend left leg outward, but don't hyperextend the knee. Lower right arm to the side (for balance). Rotate left hip forward. Strike with the top of the foot and toes pointed down. Place left foot down wider than shoulder width. You should be facing opposite from start (left side facing target).

 

You can practice your kicks on trees
or
you can pile a bunch of pillows on top of each other and wrap them in a blanket so they don't fall over.