Real Ultimate Power

First off, Hamburger says that his friend Mark saw an actual ninja, but that's bullshit, because there are less than fifty ninjas in the whole world and there are even less than that in the U.S. Second, I've been inside a real
Okinawan
dojo (I bet Hamburger doesn't even know what that is) and I know what I'm talking about. Maybe when Hamburger turns eleven, he can ask his mommy if she'll get him a life for his birthday.

—T.B. Lawson, age 33

 

This book changed my life. When I grow up, I want to kill someone!

—Cindy, age 7½

 

I am a single mother. A single mother of three boys! And it's tough enough to keep them from acting up without people like Robert Hamburger in the world. He is a disgrace to the whites, if he's white. My second-born son has been, as he calls it, “flipping out” recently and he started doing so around the same time the boys discovered this book. And surprise, surprise, my son seriously harmed his brother AND now his behavior is affecting his schoolwork. Is Robert Hamburger going to tutor him? Doubt it. I'm a single mother! My son's rambunctious attitude is going to get him put in juvenile hall or even jail. Hamburger is encouraging kids to go berserk and disregard rules. I demand that this book be banned, before someone seriously gets hurt. Trust me, Mr. Hamburger, this is one single mother of three boys you do not want to mess with. I'll see you in court! Write me back and we'll talk some more.

—a-single-mother-of-three-boys-you-do-not-want-to-mess-with, age 41

 

I use the martial arts (no, not ninjitsu ... I don't have the patience or dedication) in conjunction with medieval sword skills. So I have a working knowledge of
what it takes
to become proficient in ANY form of the martial arts, even the complicated ones. There is a reason why Ninjitsu is called an ART. Figure that part out, Hamburger.... Oh, wait.... Sorry.... He probably doesn't have enough grey matter (brain) for that. Hamburger is the opposite of what any human being should even think of being. He thinks he knows everything (but actually, he knows nothing). Other people know that he's full of crap, too.
I'm not alone.

—anonymous, age 29

I used this book for a school paper. When I turned it in, my teacher thought it was so good that she called my parents!

—Mike, age 9

 

Ninjas DO NOT kill and stab all day. They aren't “cool” because they can do anything. They are actually highly trained paid-assassins. If they (ninjas) were still around “flipping out and killing people” like Hamburger says, then we would hear about it A LOT more than we usually do. He's so stupid. If Hamburger is going to talk about something he should at least know what he's talking about. He probably doesn't even know what a
shuriken
is. And that's not even the gist of what's wrong with this book. Oh, and by the way, Hamburger—if you're reading this—I'm a sniper. So if you see a red dot appear on your chest, smile, because you'll get to meet somebody who really is “cool,” if only for a second. (Sorry if you're crying while reading this, but I don't care.)

—Jeremy C., age 26

Good morning. I would like to thank my dog Francine, whose real name I will not disclose because of privacy. And I want to thank my baby-sitter, John Fielding, for helping me write this book. He's cool, I guess. Plus, I thank my parents for having sex and making me, but THAT'S ALL. Third, I would like to thank Miek Coccia, Daniel Greenberg, and Jeremie Ruby-Strauss for realizing that a simple kid could teach people about ninjas. (Though, they are always laughing at me—so I don't know what their problem is.) O.K., see ya later!

For the hippos ...

Table of Contents

Dear Everybody,

 

This is my last will and testimony. If you find this book, then you should consider me dead meat. I have left the neighborhood, because I am a true live ninja and I have a destiny—total sweetness. You probably don't understand what that is, because you're an idiot. Everybody I know doesn't understand the complete sweetness of ninjas and it hurts me—you hurt me. But don't get me wrong—I don't want your heads to explode. I forgive you, but I just deserve something cooler.

You can have all of my stuff: my shirt, my beach towel, and that bowl. I don't care. But most importantly, I leave you this book so maybe, just maybe, you can understand the way of the ninja—REAL Ultimate Power.

 

Farewell dummies,

Robert Hamburger

Do you want to know what REAL Ultimate Power is?

(If yes, then turn the page. If no, then close the book
right now.)

Do you want to get pumped?

I mean really,
really
pumped?

The Official Ninja Book

by Robert Hamburger

All copyrighted material within is Attributor Protected.

H
ave you ever been so pumped that you want to completely flip out? I mean like really
really
flip out. People get pumped about all sorts of things: sports, pets, making out, or motorcycles. Do you want to know what gets me pumped? Ninjas. Ninjas are so sweet, I want to crap my pants.

When I wake up in the morning, I lay in bed for a few hours and practice kicking and punching with my feet and arms. (Don't worry, homey, I'm only practicing.) After that, I go eat breakfast with Mom, like eggs and toast and stuff. Then I go nuts: I throw towels, scream at birds, and spit on the carpet. And THEN after
all
that, my dog Francine and I dress up like ninjas and make forts and fight and French and flip out all day.

You see, I love ninjas so much it hurts, and that's why I made this book about them. I don't know if there are even ninjas anymore, but sometimes I think that there must be, because of the feeling inside me. My parents fight. Just imagine being a ninja. You could kill anybody you want. And I mean ANYBODY! These guys are sooooo sweet. And do you know why? They flip out and kill people
for no reason at all.
That's awesome! Do you know of anybody else who can do that? Probably not. Your dad couldn't even kill people just because he wanted to. He would go to jail in a second. But ninjas ... yeah, right! There's no way you could put them in jail. Ninjas are unstoppable and charming. Pirates and Vikings are cool, but they don't go nuts like ninjas. And ninjas have magical powers, too. They can fly. Every human being on the face of the planet wants to fly, and ninjas have been doing it since day one. DAY ONE! And that's a fact. Some ninjas have the power to bio-slime people. It may sound disgusting, but trust me, it's pretty sweet.

I am not attracted to ninjas, personally. But sometimes when I'm lying in the backyard and I'm thinking about ninjas for more than an hour, I pop a boner. Sometimes they're small, but sometimes they're humongous. Mom caught me one time when this happened. She said, “What the heck is going on? What are you doing?” And she chased me around the yard with a rake. When she caught me, she made me lay on my stomach and she stepped on my butt. Mom's pretty big, so it went away real fast. But when she stopped and it came back even bigger, I knew that ninjas were special. These guys are
totally sweet.
Everyday I ask my mom if I can take karate. I say, “Hey Mom, can I take karate?” And she says, “No way! You'll hurt someone.” So we compromised on yoga—I start next year. But who cares, I don't need karate—I express myself by screaming and imagining stories about ninjas.

I guess I just want to tell the people of Earth about something totally sweet. I have felt this way all my life. My name is Robert, and this is my book about the coolest guys to ever flip out.