Real Ultimate Power (14 page)

I get a lot of questions about whether girls or women can be ninjas. Well, anybody can be a ninja if they feel it in their heart. You just have to look within yourself and try to figure out what's really important to YOU. Think about this: Are you living the life your parents wanted to live? What goals do you have? Are these goals yours or are they someone else's? Are you so dependant on another person that you don't know who you are or what you want? Most importantly, ask yourself what would you do with your life if you could do anything you wanted regardless of what other people might think? Your answer is what you
should
be doing, since this is what you really want to do. If deep within your catacombs, you feel that your destiny is to be a ninja, then that's what you have to do. And it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

Becoming a ninja isn't easy. You'll get tired. You'll get colicky. But in the end, you'll be pretty sweet. And even though it's hard work, you can't go around complaining. There's this one kid I know who can't stop whining because his dad ran away from home and never sends him cards or sings happy birthday. I don't know what his problem is—my ultimate dream is to have a deadbeat dad. It just sounds dangerous. Nevertheless, besides porking (really) hot babes, flipping out, wailing on guitars, and cutting off heads, a ninja has to train. They have to meditate ALL THE TIME. But most importantly, each morning a ninja should think about going a little crazier than the day before. Beyond thinking about going berserk, a ninja must, by definition, actually go berserk. Here are a few starters if you don't know where to begin:

A ninja has got to have attitude—that is, a ninja must be ready at any moment to chill the fuck out whatever the situation may be. Nobody, I mean nobody, can chill like a ninja. Just lay back, call some homies, and chill. Or call some honies, if need be.

Now go out there and be a ninja. This stuff is what dreams are made of. Stick to your goals and go live your dream.
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Thank
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you.
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Even though ninjas don't have a set bedtime, they still believe in sleeping. Because if they're too tired during a mission, they might end up making a silly mistake. Personally, I have to go to bed at 6:00
P.M.
every night. I'm not a big fan of going to bed early, but it's Dad's number one rule. I hated it at first, but during school Ms. Burbell has me run extra errands, because I have so much energy. I get them done
fast.
I like Mrs. Burbell. She's pretty funny, too. One time, she came into class one day with makeup smeared all over her face. She said that she was in the bathroom puking, because her sister died. And when Ms. Burbell said “puking,” we laughed our frigg'n asses off.

Ninjas are sneaky and pretty fast; so they can frigg'n book. Make sure you're good at this.

During the winter, ninjas wear a white shirt and white pants so they can blend in. And during the summer, they wear a light tank top and shorts. But when hiding during the night, they wear what they had on earlier that day, because it's dark—so who cares? Hiding is just as important as stealth. They go together like ninjas and guitars. If you have to spy on a victim for hours, you should be hiding—otherwise it's more like staring, which gets weird after a while. A ninja can hide in anything: closets, toy boxes, backpacks, lockers, whatever. If you want to be a ninja you have got to practice hiding everywhere. And make sure to bring some blankets and a pillow. You might be hiding for over ten minutes and the ground might make your butt sore. Don't forget some treats either, because you might get hungry and your victim may hear your stomach moan and he'll look around to investigate.

If a ninja wants to kill somebody, they might have to wait for them to look the other way, which may take a super long time. So a ninja must have patience or they will screw everything up. One time I hid under Mom's bed all day and peed in a sandwich bag just so I could freak out my aunts when they were changing their panties. But Dad got real mad, because he was embarrassed. And he made me wear the bag to school, which I'm going to tell a therapist when I'm older. He's thinks he's so frigg'n important because his job is to make sure that the tuna that goes on the boat equals the tuna coming off, but nobody even cares. One time, he came home smelling like fish super bad and I accidentally covered my nose and then when he saw, he kicked me in the nuts. The best example of patience is old people. They have
a lot
of patience. That's probably why they can sit on the toilet for over an hour. I don't how they can do that. There are some things you can do to increase your patience, but I forgot them. I guess you just relax.

A good ninja always needs energy to flip out. So always keep some treats in your bag for energy.

But most importantly, you need to keep alert, 'cause you never know what's going to happen next, and you've got to keep cool. Like this one time in class, I was just talking to the guy next to me and, guess what, there were these rich kids sitting in front of class who were shooting spitballs all over the place. One of them shot a spitball at me and it went straight into my mouth! But I just swallowed it and kept talking like nothing happened. It was already in there—so I didn't want to make a big deal about it. The kids freaked out and didn't mess with me again. So always be ready, because that sort of thing could happen to anyone.

To practice all your ninja skills together, here's an official test:

If you succeed, you are mastering the ninja skills, which
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is
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a
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good
²¹¹
thing.
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