Pretending Hearts (21 page)

I swallowed hard. “The last week of September,” I mumbled.

My hopes were crushed. Who had I been kidding? Wyatt had pretty much confirmed my pregnancy with his admittance of a broken condom. Delores kept talking, but the white noise in my brain was making it hard to hear her. I almost wanted to tell her to skip the formalities and just lay all my
options
out for me.

Delores gave me a specimen cup and instructions on how to take the urine test. The staff would test my urine and use the date of my last period to figure out how far long I was. The results were given to me straight by Delores.

I was pregnant and approximately nine weeks along. I remained stoic in spite of my inclination to burst into tears.

Waiting in the examination room, I browsed the pamphlets Delores had handed me before departing. The brochures even asked me questions I had no idea how to answer:
Am I ready to become a parent? Can I afford to have a child? Would I consider putting a child up for adoption? How do I feel about other women who have abortions?

Delores came back into the room and was accompanied by one of the counselors working at the center. She introduced herself as Emily and she reminded me instantly of my mother. She looked to be around the same age with a slender frame and the same white-blonde hair, although Emily's was loose while my mom's was usually sprayed stiff. Although my mom and I had a tense relationship, I missed her at the moment. I wished I could call her up that second and she could use magical mom powers to make my troubles all go away.

Emily took a seat and gestured to the brochures I had set on top of my lap. “I know there’s a lot of information for you to go over and no one would expect you to make a decision today. I’m only here to give you an overview of the choices in front of you.”

I brought my fingers up to my temples and began to massage the area. “All of the choices feel impossible to me.”

Emily kept her expression neutral. “You’re going to have to think about your life now and your life in the future before making your decision.”

“I can’t see myself as a mother,” I whispered. “That’s a sign, right? Because if I was meant to be a mother, I’d be able to close my eyes and visualize taking care of a baby.”

“Parenting is one of your choices and you’ll have to think about your finances and what type of support system you have,” Emily stated. “Adoption is also something you may choose to do and our facility can put you in touch with several types of agencies that handle private and open adoptions.”

I bit down on my lip hard enough until I felt a stinging sensation. Finally, I asked, “What about abortion?”

“According to the dates you provided, you’re no longer a candidate for a medical abortion.” When I gave her a questioning look, she continued. “With a medical abortion, you are given a medication that causes the termination of the pregnancy. With a surgical abortion, you’ll need to undergo a procedure called vacuum aspiration in our office.”

I waited for a final alternative. I was a little girl waiting for the counselor to pull back the curtain and present a shiny, new option that would eliminate my need for any of the other choices presented. But as Emily continued to go into more detail about the costs and risks associated with abortion, I knew that my miracle fix was never arriving.

***

An hour later, Casey met me at my apartment. Silently, I led her into the living room. As we sank into the cushions of the couch, my phone rang. I set the ringer to silent. Levi had been calling me persistently for days. I could imagine how confused he must be feeling. Last time we saw each other, I’d been practically doodling our names in a heart on my notebook. Now, he only had radio silence and my lame excuses of not feeling well.

“Levi?” Casey asked pointing to the phone I put on the coffee table.

I nodded. “He’s been calling all weekend. I’m going to have to tell him or lie and say I have a communicable disease that requires me to stay away from him indefinitely.”

“What happened at the clinic?” Casey asked. “All I got from your phone call was that they said you were pregnant and to get to your house right now.”

“I’m nine weeks. They gave me another test and had me meet with a counselor.” I pulled out all of the pamphlets from my purse and tossed them on the table. “They gave me the pamphlets to look over, but the counselor covered the basics.”

Casey’s blue eyes darted to the pamphlets. She grimaced. “Now that you know for sure….” Casey didn’t finish her thought.

“What am I going to do?” I asked, looking heavenward. “I have no clue. What I want to do is go back in time and stay away from Wyatt.”

“Delia, I understand you don’t want to deal with this. But you’re going to have to at some point.”

“I talked to the counselor about an abortion,” I said. “I’d have to decide by sixteen weeks.”

“Is that what you want to do?”

I pulled at the ends of my hair. “No!” I said emphatically. “I mean even thinking about having an abortion makes me a bad person, doesn’t it?”

“That’s bullshit,” Casey said with venom. “I hate how there’s a stigma attached to women who have abortions. If I were in your situation, I wouldn’t want my choices stolen from me.”

“I agree, but one of the questions on the pamphlet was about how I felt about women who have abortions. And the question made me think about how others would perceive me. I’ve watched the movies. Unplanned pregnancies don’t end up with a visit to the abortion clinic. They end with the girl realizing being a mother was her life’s dream. She gets a baby and then the guy and then they have a big happy wedding by the movie’s end,” I said lamely.

“Well, I think you out of anyone should know life doesn’t work out that way. Real life is much messier and full of tragedies,” Casey said.

“Like the tragic irony of having a future sister-in-law who also happens to be the one who sent your father away to prison for two years,” I said, once again feeling sorry for myself. Casey’s shoulders went tense and I was warned to tread carefully. Casey liked me, but she was also loyal to Autumn. I cleared my throat. “Blake is coming to visit tomorrow. They have a bye week before the Thanksgiving game.”

“I could make plenty of tasteless jokes because of that sentence, but under the circumstances, I’ll keep them to myself,” she said. “Are you going to tell your brother?”

“And have Wyatt’s murder on my conscience? I think I’ll pass,” I sighed.

“Delia, you have to make your mind up, but you don’t have to make your mind up right this minute,” she said and patted my hand. “There are no easy answers. Don’t think about anyone else’s opinions, but your own. Because if you let others push their beliefs on you and worry more about how you’ll be perceived, you may end up regretting whatever you decide.”

I was scared. I didn’t want to be another person in my family who had to be stuck with their regrets forever. My decision was unchangeable. There were no do-overs and I was afraid whatever path I went down, I would never be able to be fully at peace with my decision.

Casey had to leave at five o’clock to get back to campus for her night classes. After she left, I realized I hadn’t eaten anything for the entire day. I had no appetite, but made myself choke down a flavorless frozen food entrée I dug out of the freezer.

I had a few last minute assignments to finish up, but I couldn’t concentrate on my textbooks. The words kept blurring and I thought about skipping out on the work all together. I felt like giving up and for someone who considered herself a fighter, I abhorred the sensation.

The doorbell buzzed and I wondered if it could be my brother arriving a day early. Although the apartment was technically his, maybe he thought it was rude to barge in without any notice. Before answering, I grabbed the pamphlets off of the coffee table and shoved them into my purse. I did a quick visual search to see if I left behind any other evidence of my pregnancy. Satisfied, I strode over to the door and swung it open. I had the urge to slam it close once I saw who had arrived.

“Hi Delia. Can we talk?”

Wyatt’s expression was stricken and the look gave me pause. After our last conversation, I was ready to write him off as a bad memory—regardless if I went through with the pregnancy or not.

“What are you doing here?” I snapped.

He shifted from side to side and I enjoyed watching him grow uncomfortable under my penetrating stare. “I get why you’re pissed, but we really need to talk about this. Can I come inside?”

I almost refused him, but after a beat, I stepped aside. I didn’t believe he had anything to offer me, but maybe he mulled things over and decided to man up and take some responsibility.

I shut the door once he stepped through and didn’t move to lead him further into the apartment. Whatever he had to say to me could be said right next to the door. Just in case I had the urge to shove him out at a moment’s notice.

“Look, I’m here to apologize for being a dick the other day when you came to see me,” he started. “I think you can understand why I panicked.”

I kept my expression dispassionate. I wasn’t his girlfriend anymore and I didn’t have to put up with his bullshit act. “I release you from your duty. I don’t need your help.”

Wyatt looked unsure how to react. “You can’t just say you release me, Delia. Not if you think you’re pregnant.”

“I don’t think I’m pregnant anymore. I went to Planned Parenthood and they confirmed the results,” I said.

“Well, if the baby’s mine, I should help decide what we’re going to do with it.”

I scowled at him. “The baby is yours. If you want to have an adult discussion about this, then stop throwing in passive aggressive statements. The only thing you’re achieving is me getting pissed off.”

He held up his palms in surrender. “Okay, but I’m just trying to process this too.”

I crossed my arms in front of my chest. “Wyatt, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I went to the clinic today and I have a thousand different scenarios running through my brain.”

“If you’re planning to keep the baby or even give it up for adoption, I need to be told. You know who my father is and if I plan to run for office one day—” I was humiliated by the way he spoke to me. I looked down at his manicured hands and wished I never had to remember what they felt like on my skin. The idea of Wyatt’s permanency in my life was revolting. I wanted to be able to toss him out of my life in the same manner he had done to me while likening him to a pair of shoes that didn’t quite fit right.

I cut him off. “Don’t worry, Wyatt. No one is going to come looking for you one day. If I do have the baby, I’d say that his or her father is dead to me. It wouldn’t exactly be a stretch.”

“Delia, I get that I was insensitive and broke up with you in a shitty way. I see that now. But if you think keeping the baby is a way to punish me, then you’re the one who is wrong,” he said in a harsh whisper.

“You should go,” I said dully and opened the door.

“Delia, let me do the right thing here. I’ll pay for the abortion. I’ll take you to the appointment and stay with you until I’m certain you’re okay. Don’t let this ruin both of our lives,” he pleaded.

“Is this the way your family taught you how to clean up your messes?” I demanded. “Please just go.”

“Promise me you’ll think about what I said,” he begged as he slowly stepped out onto the doorstep. He planted himself in front of me and looked as though he’d refuse to move until I answered.

“I’ll call you,” I said. He had made my day go from bad to worse and I only wanted the pleasure of never seeing his face again. He was only there to make sure I wouldn’t be the cause of a political scandal down the road.

Wyatt wasn’t pleased by the vagueness of my answer and stormed away. I was about to close the door when I noticed a tall figure in the distance. I squinted and felt my insides turned to mush as the person bridged the gap between us.

Levi passed Wyatt on the walkway and my body tensed at the possible altercation. Wyatt shook his head in disgust, but was smart enough not to taunt Levi. Levi had an intimidating build and I assumed Wyatt realized he’d be entering a fight he wouldn’t win. My gaze flitted to Levi and stayed fixed.

Levi looked unhappy as he walked up to my vantage point. I imagined what Wyatt leaving must’ve looked like to him. Although I knew a future with Levi was impossible, I loathed the idea of Wyatt being the reason things were ending.

“Hey,” I said uncertainly when Levi was within hearing distance.

“Hi,” he said. His cheeks were red from the biting wind that had started to pick up. His expression was grim, but I still couldn’t help the happiness building inside over seeing him again. Keeping my distance had been a challenge and the truth was I’d been missing him like crazy.

“Come in. Before you freeze,” I instructed.

Levi hesitated, but followed me back into the apartment. I closed and locked the door before turning to face him. He was lingering against the foyer wall and I could see the confusion on his face. In his mind, he probably stumbled on the reason I’d been avoiding his calls.

“I can imagine how bad this looks to you—”

“You don’t owe me an explanation. We’re not a couple,” he said hurriedly. He rambled on, “I mean I was hoping we’d be a couple eventually. But if you’re spending time with Wyatt, I think I can guess why.”