Pretending Hearts (24 page)

My mom didn’t reply. Instead, she set the pie on the plate and slid the dish across the table. I took a tentative bite, hoping my appetite would return for one of my favorite treats.

I felt the resentment unfurl between my mother and father. Blake was the invisible elephant in the room. They both loved him fiercely and blamed each other for his estrangement. Each of my parents felt like they were responsible for his success and with his newly-cemented professional status they weren’t able to enjoy the spoils to the fullest.

I always felt on the sidelines. As if I were invisible when Blake and I were in the room together. But with him gone, nothing had changed. The reason I considered modeling at one point was because I thought my mom would finally see me if I had my own successes. But living your life for someone else’s happiness was a fool’s errand.

I understood my parents were waiting for me to say something. I was the one expected to break the tension. Whenever the atmosphere became too much for all of us to bear, I was expected to offer a distraction. But I was an adult and they didn’t need to put on a united front for my benefit. If anything, I rather have a truth serum slipped into all of our drinks and have everyone finally admit the way they really felt. I wasn’t immune to pretending things were one way when they were actually another. But I wouldn’t play that role for them anymore. I was too weighed down by my own predicament.

I had no immediate plans to tell my mom and dad about the pregnancy. Because I didn’t want to be tempted to choose the path that would please them the most. I couldn’t be their puppet when it came to having a baby or not. There was too much at stake.

“I’m perfectly fine with you not coming to my show next weekend. But could you give me your honest opinion about a song I wrote?”

Levi was sitting cross-legged on my couch scribbling in a notebook while I was typing away at my laptop. The day before, I had returned back to my apartment. I had cut my visit short a day early because I felt my mother tracking my movements. I was afraid if I stayed around her any longer, she would figure out the dark secrets festering below the surface.

“Not another one like we’ve done before, right?” I said and laughed. “
Roses are red, violets are fine, you’ll be the six and I’ll be the nine
.”

“Have you been hanging out with my brothers? Because those are the kind of lyrics they tend to write,” he teased.

“Okay, no more bad lyric jokes. I promise,” I said with a smile.

I felt relaxed with Levi and I was surprised by how calm I was with him beside me. There was a fear our relationship would be strained since the last time he came to see me. But although he knew I was pregnant, the way he treated me wasn’t any different. He was still the amazing and thoughtful guy he’d always been. Even when I was home for Thanksgiving, he texted regularly. Levi had no obligation to me. I could’ve told him I was pregnant and he could’ve run as far away from me as possible. The fact he hadn’t was telling.

As I watched his mouth move while he silently recited his lyrics, I became mesmerized. I had replayed our kiss on a loop in my brain. His mouth teased me in a way that had me aching for so much more. I was engrossed by every move he made. His body appeared firm beneath his clothes and I wanted the opportunity to be pressed against him as he pulsated inside me. With my future uncertain, I allowed myself to revel in my fantasies.

Levi shook his head at me. He said jokingly, “You’ve totally tuned me out. I knew you had little faith in my songwriting abilities.”

My cheeks burned as I pulled my eyes away from admiring his body. “Of course I want to hear your song. I don’t have a guitar or anything though if you were planning to sing.”

“I’ll tap the beat out. You’re better off not hearing me attempt the guitar. I could never change chords in a natural-sounding way.” He continued, “I’ve only finished a couple verses, but I want your opinion before I complete the rest.”

Removing the laptop from my legs, I set it down on the coffee table. I folded my hands on my lap and waited patiently for him to begin. I could tell he was nervous and his reaction endeared him to me even more. Slowly, he began to tap out the rhythm with his fingers on the edge of his notebook, his body unconsciously rocking to the beat he made as he began to lose himself to the song.

"
Not much in the way of finding bright lights
," he sang softly, and I sucked in my breath at the sound of his voice, so steady and quiet and strong. "
But on this starless night I was much more than blinded. You don't know what you're doing but you're doing it right, they say you don't realize what you've found until you find it.
"

He voice gained strength and he closed his eyes and simply sang, while I sat and let his words wash over me.

"
Not much in the way of pretentiousness. We bear our wounds, we're reckless and defenseless, and I'll shield you from what you could never face head-on, I'll hold you in my arms til Armageddon.
"

My hands were trembling by the time he finished singing, as he opened his eyes and looked at me shyly, his last note dying away. The way he sang was soft and gravelly and I felt his lyrics penetrate deep inside of me. My throat felt like sandpaper and as much as I tried to hold in my tears, I felt the dampness on my cheeks. I breathed, “Levi, that was beautiful.”

Levi gave me a sheepish smile. “Thank you. I’m calling the song ‘Lost at Sea.’ I may have finally found that inspiration I needed after all.” He slid over to sit next to me and put his arm around me. I rested against his solid body and breathed in his comforting scent.

“I’m going to come to your show Saturday. I hope you plan to sing. You have an amazing voice,” I assured him.

“I think Rain would sound much better.”

His words rankled me. “Levi, you need to be willing to take risks. Aren’t you tired of always playing it safe?” I demanded.

He stiffened next to me and I had to regain my balance as he quickly pulled himself off the couch. “That sounded a lot like a criticism.”

I lifted myself up to face off with him. “I just don’t like the idea that you’re more comfortable in the background. You have so many great qualities and I think if you were a little more ambitious—”

“Del, I don’t define success in the same way you do. I’m fine with who I am. I’ve accepted it. You’re projecting your own issues onto me,” he said.

“How am I doing that?”

“Because as much as you claim your mom drives you crazy, you seem to let her play you. Didn’t you tell me she sent you off to college with the advice to land a rich husband? A few of your comments make me feel like who I am right now wouldn’t be good enough.”

I gasped and sat back onto the couch. I was stubborn, but Levi was proving his point. Had I unintentionally tried to mold him? Suddenly, I felt awful over the idea I ever made Levi feel like he wasn’t worthy of me.

“I’m sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way. I’ve just been around so many cocky guys who had very little to offer. I see how talented you are and I want everyone else to see what I do.” I cleared my throat and lifted my chin to meet his eyes. “You’re incredible.”

Levi’s posture relaxed and I felt relief as he slowly lowered his body back down next to me. Playfully, he bumped his knee into mine. “You’re not so bad either.”

I grimaced. “I don’t know about that. I keep waiting for the day you realize I’m poisonous and tell me you’re changing zip codes to avoid contamination.”

His eyebrows pulled together as he considered me. “I think you spent too much time with toxic people, but I don’t think you should categorize yourself as one of them. I have a talent for reading people and that’s the reason I liked you from the first night we met.”

I giggled. “I was wondering why you didn’t kick me out of the library after my meltdown.”

His arm came behind me and he hugged me to his side. His lips brushed the side of my head. “You have walls up—crazy high walls with an intense security system in place. But what’s behind those walls is definitely worth fighting to get to.”

I blinked at him. “Maybe we shouldn’t be spending so much time together. Even as friends… maybe it’s not a good idea.”

His eyes lowered to my belly and I could tell he understood my train of thought. “I know we haven’t talked about it as much as we probably should, but I was trying not to upset you. But I want you to know I’m not going anywhere. Whatever you decide… it doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

I scrubbed my cheeks with the palms of my hands. “That’s crazy talk, Levi. What if I decide to have this baby? It’s not like you would want to date a teen mom.”

“I guess you don’t realize how much I care about you then,” he said softly. His fingers brushed away a strand of my hair. His fingers lingered on my cheek and as much as it pained me to do so, I moved my head away.

“Maybe I was wrong to accuse you of not being ambitious, but in this sense, you do deserve better than what I can offer you.” His mouth opened to protest, but I didn’t let him finish. “If I needed any more proof of how wonderful you are, then you’re laying it out right now. Most guys wouldn’t offer to stick around. But just because you’re willing to stay with me, it doesn’t mean I should let you.”

“Delia, if you don’t want to start dating anyone right now, I get it. But I figured down the road, when you’re ready, we could have that first date I promised you.”

I had pictured dates with Levi. Our dates would be filled with our cheesy jokes and laughter. And they ended with our bodies entangled to a point where I would never know where his body ended and my mine began. 

I groaned in frustration. “Levi, we need to be realistic. I have two possible futures ahead of me. In one scenario, I’m a single teen mother raising Wyatt’s baby. In the other scenario, I’m a monster.”

His eyes widened in alarm. “Whoa, why’d you even go there?”

I dug my fingernails into my palms. “I drove by the clinic yesterday on the way home. Just to see it. To see if I could imagine myself getting up the nerve to walk through the front door and take care of the
problem
.” I shut my eyes tightly as I continued, “There were protestors in front of the building. They were holding up these horrible signs that said things like
Stop the Baby Slashers
. There were pictures too on the signs, but I couldn’t bear to look at them.”

I choked out a broken sob. “And then the protestors got in a circle and they were praying. I rolled down my car window to listen to them. Levi, they were praying for the souls of the innocent children who were in danger from the killing centers set upon the earth.”

He opened up his arms and I fell into them. He held me as I cried and I felt his presence chase away the feelings that I was unworthy of love. I never judged any woman who had an abortion, so I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be as lenient when it came to my own predicament. At times, I wished I could bury deep enough inside myself that what was going on with my body wouldn’t matter any longer.

“I feel like each day, I’m being ripped apart in all different directions. After my appointment and talking to Wyatt, I felt so sure I was making the right choice by not having the baby.”

“But you’re not so sure now?”

“I feel like the world is full of noise and I can’t make out what are my honest feelings.”

“Then I won’t add any more noise,” he said and his voice held a promise. “But I won’t let you chase me away. You shouldn’t do any of this alone.”

Levi’s goodness—his light—made me wish to be enveloped inside of his arms forever. I clung to him as I felt myself slipping below the surface into a deep well of hopelessness. Most of the time, dread pumped through my veins. But in Levi’s arms, I only knew comfort and hope. 

Returning to Maloney’s was a complete new experience. Last time, I had come to nurse a crush. I felt a longing to be that girl once again. My problems were never small, but at least they felt manageable at the time. Although I was overwhelmed, I vowed to set my issues aside for one night. For a few short hours, I’d give myself a reprieve.

Casey had come along to see Trojan Jedi and I was glad for her constant chatter. I couldn’t sink back into my darker line of thinking when she kept me distracted. While getting ready for the show, I was feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and felt self-conscious wearing any of my dresses. It was a mental thing and I was glad Casey hadn’t given me grief for leaving the house in loose-fitting jeans and an oversized red sweater. Especially since she would have men’s eyes falling out of their sockets when she walked by. Her black dress fit her like a second skin and if she bent at the waist, anyone surrounding her would be given quite a show.

“This outfit screams groupie, doesn’t it?” she whispered as we pushed further into the bar.

I held back a smile. “A little bit. But aren’t you one? You did tell me to hook you up with one of Levi’s brothers.”

“I did, but I may end up talking to them and hating their guts. They have a pretty face, but I hate douches. I don’t mind a casual hookup, but I can’t stand guys who treat girls like they were crafted for their sole pleasure and can be disposed of once they get their fill,” she said, her voice rising. Although her words were biting, she gave a charming smile to the bartender and waved him over.