Pretending Hearts (17 page)

“Good.”

I could see an internal debate raging in Levi as he regarded me silently. I waited in anticipation. Every single morsel of his life that he chose to share with me, I found fascinating.

Finally, he said in a sober tone, “My last girlfriend cheated on me and it sucked.” Levi chewed on his lower lip. “I guess I’m hesitant about jumping into anything again.”

I wondered if his reference was to what was happening between us. I wasn’t ready to jump into anything either, but I couldn’t pretend there wasn’t a strong attraction. Not only was he gorgeous, but the self-assured way he carried himself made me picture what he could do to my body once I handed over control.

My body was waging a war with my brain. I depended on Levi and if things went sour between us, I could lose him for good. My heart wasn’t ready to take that gamble.

Levi and I fell into what I considered a “safe” relationship. There was no risk and unfortunately no reward. I wanted to push the limits with him, but I was afraid of rejection. I was hurt countless times before and I didn’t want another loss to add to the many I’d already experienced. And Levi kept an emotional distance for reasons I hadn’t quite figured out.

My gut feeling was Levi had a secret. Maybe I sensed it because I was too familiar with the ways secrets burned endlessly until they caused irreversible harm to relationships. Levi was open in many ways, but I couldn’t help but feel there was something simmering below his happy and carefree appearance.

I wasn’t the secret-bearer for once and it felt liberating. I didn’t pretend with him. Being closed off hadn’t won me any favors in the past, so I was trying something new. I told Levi all about my family and my fears about how their mistakes reflected on me. He never judged or told me I was wrong to still want to believe in my dad. I wondered if he could legitimately be the nicest guy I ever met.

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, Levi asked me over for dinner. We had been spending time together for over a month, but besides the almost-kiss in my bedroom, he hadn’t made a move. Unfortunately, my honesty had yet to extend to admitting my budding feelings for him.

I was accustomed to meeting a guy and my lust burning hot and bright. After a few desperate kisses and our limbs tangling as we tore each other’s clothes off, my desire waned. Even with Wyatt, I never felt the same lustful stirrings after we ended up in bed together. However, the leisurely pace between Levi and me had me tossing restlessly in bed at night as I wished for him to be the one beside me.

Casey and I had grown closer since she had come over to watch the game. I liked Casey and as a bonus, we didn’t share the complex history like I did with Autumn. Being friends with Autumn was full of twists and turns. Every sentence had to be hyper-analyzed in order to avoid stumbling onto topics better left unsaid. Most of our conversations centered on my brother because he was the thread holding us together.

My brother was stubborn, so I wasn’t surprised when he starting practicing with his team less than a week after his injury and got medical clearance soon after to play in the team’s upcoming games.

After Levi’s dinner invitation, I called Casey for her advice. Should I take the invitation to meet his family as a sign of his intentions? Was it
just dinner
? I didn’t want to go into battle unprepared. Levi and his mom were obviously close and winning her over could help encourage our slow-moving relationship along.

Casey insisted guys never let a girl meet their mothers unless a wedding was in the future. Although I didn’t take her statement to heart, I did hope Levi was coming to care for me. Was the dinner a sign he was open to the possibility of the two of us being more than friends?

The way his eyes raked over me when he picked me up at the apartment once again convinced me I wasn’t simply projecting my feelings onto him. I felt a little thrill of anticipation as he dragged his eyes away from my legs back to my face. I had dressed conservatively in a black skirt and gray sweater, but still showed off a little skin by skipping the leggings.

Levi swallowed visibly. “You look nice.” He flipped his hair out of his face and seemed to regain his composure. “But you didn’t have to dress up. Dinner is usually casual at my house.”

I did feel a little overdressed when I noted he was wearing khakis and a t-shirt, but I decided to play it off. I shrugged. “The outfit isn’t new. I just don’t have a lot of opportunities to wear any of my nicer clothes.”

I felt the buzz of anticipation as he moved closer. My body warmed all over and I wondered how I’d get through the night without jumping on top of him and trying to kiss him into oblivion. “Well, I’m lucky you felt the opportunity was tonight,” he said softly and tucked a strand of my blonde hair behind my ear. “Ready to go?”

I nodded dumbly and knew at the second, I’d agree to follow him anywhere.

He led me to his car and once inside his dark blue Honda Civic, I ventured an uneasy smile. “So, anything I should know about your mom before tonight?”

His laugh was uneasy. “My mom is kind of old-fashioned. Her parents came over from Sicily when she was a baby and according to my mom, they just about had a stroke when she married an Irish union guy. The fact he was Catholic had been his one saving grace to my grandparents.”

“My family is the opposite of conservative,” I said. My hands curled around the edge of the passenger seat. “Is that going to be a problem for her?”

“Have you met my brothers?” he asked sarcastically. “She would consider it tasteless to dig up skeletons from someone’s past. The only real rules she wants me and my brothers to follow are to attend church on holidays, no cursing at the dinner table and to visit our grandparents in the nursing home once a month.”

“How well do Cole and Evan follow these rules?”

“Shockingly not well,” he said.

“Well, I like the sound of a normal family dinner,” I said. “Thanksgiving at home is going to be chock full of dysfunction.”

He gave me a questioning look. “Why is that?”

“I have to split my time between my mom and dad. My mom had been planning to invite my dad over, but after the story broke about Blake and Autumn…” I trailed off.

“Dredged up too many bad memories?”

“The funny thing is she publicly forgave him for the affair immediately after his arrest. But I wonder if she ever truly let her hurt go. Maybe all the time her pain was festering and her resentment has only been building up to a crescendo,” I said.

“Just don’t let them drag you into their issues. You’re not a kid anymore and they can’t force you to pick sides,” he said. “And neither can your brother. Blake made his choice and that’s on him. You shouldn’t feel like you’ll lose him if you don’t share his beliefs about your dad.”

“What about your dad? Were you close?”

“I don’t want to talk about my dad,” he said flatly. At my puzzled look, he added, “Don’t take offense. Talking about my father is something I avoid. Besides, I want us to have a fun night and talking about him would only sour the mood.”

“Levi, you can tell me anything,” I said insistently.

I had hit a nerve. For the first time, I noticed his confidence slip. He cast me a sidelong glance. “I know that. And maybe we will talk about him, but just not tonight.”

I accepted his answer because I had a feeling not to push. Looking at Levi’s tattooed arms, I could see the physical proof of what his father meant to him. On his left forearm, he had a tattoo of the steel workers emblem accompanied by the Roman numerals representing the date his father died. His right arm had a half-sleeve of tribal art while his left arm was tattooed with a set of drumsticks emblazed with the Trojan Jedi logo. Relentlessly, I teased him over the fact he could never change his band name.

I relaxed and enjoyed the silence between us. Despite the earlier tension, I wouldn’t try a quick subject change. There was no need to fill the space with meaningless words. I could sit next to Levi and feel comfortable. I never had that with anyone before. I’d always been on edge. Worrying about how I looked—obsessively checking for a hair out of place. Also, there was the constant fear I’d say the wrong thing and let the guy see beneath the surface.

Ten minutes later, Levi pulled in front of a small, cozy-looking house. The houses in the neighborhood were older models with a lot of weathering, but I got a good vibe from the area. Most of the houses were in various stages of decoration for the upcoming holidays. Levi’s house was a cape cod-style and a huge fall wreath was hung on the front door. On the porch, there was also a brown wicker horn-of-plenty overflowing with gourds and small pumpkins.

Levi paused for a minute to shout a hello to a pair of elderly women who were sitting on the porch across the street. They motioned him over, but he waved them off and put a hand on the small of my back. With gentle pressure, he steered me toward the front door. He whispered conspiratorially, “Don’t make eye contact with the Chelsea sisters. They’ll get their claws into you and never let you go.”

I giggled and although I was still feeling jumpy about meeting his mom, I didn’t let it get to me. “Friends of yours?”

“They’ve been trying to set me up with their granddaughter for years now. Although she’s told them over and over again that she’s a lesbian. She’s even brought her girlfriend over their house repeatedly to meet them.” He shook his head.

“That’s pretty absurd to think she’ll change her sexual orientation.”

“No kidding. But the Chelsea sisters get away with having no filter by claiming they're eccentric,” he said.

He opened the front door and held it open so I could walk through. The hallway was quiet, but I could hear loud voices carry from the back of the house. To the left of the hallway was a formal dining room with shelves holding an assortment of knick-knacks and photos of the Caldwell brothers in different ages. A mixture of artwork hung on the wall: a collection of maps from Italy interspersed with childhood drawings. There was so much life in the house. My mom kept the walls sterile as a way to shield us from painful memories.

Before I could closely examine the pictures of Levi, he was signaling for me to follow him further into the house. At the entrance of the kitchen, I prepared myself to come face to face with his mom. Instead, I spotted his brothers seated at the small kitchen table in the center of the room.

“Cole, 501 and his girl are here!” Evan announced.

I whispered to Levi, “501?”

“Like the jeans,” Levi said, frowning briefly at the absurdity of his brothers' nickname for him, then shaking his head. Addressing his brothers, he said, “Where’s Mom?”

“She had to go to the store for a couple of last minute things. We’re manning her gravy until she gets back,” Cole said and held up his beer bottle to gesture over to the stove.

Levi obviously had little faith in his brothers because he immediately went over to the stove and lifted up the cover of a saucepan. He stirred the sauce and after replacing the cover, set the flame to a simmer.

“What’s cracking, college girl?” Evan asked with an arrogant grin. The twins didn’t share the quiet confidence of their brother. They were charmed with good looks and had no problem using them to get what they wanted.

“Not much,” I said. “What’s
cracking
with you two?”

Evan rubbed the stubble on his chin. “Same old for us too. Building bridges, breaking beds….”

Cole chuckled and gave his twin a high five. I may have been only eighteen, but I was relieved I had learned to stay away from guys like Cole and Evan. I was comforted that Levi didn’t see his brothers as role models and didn't share the same level of emotional maturity.

A car horn bleated from outside the house and halted my comeback. The twins stayed still and looked expectantly at Levi. Levi clenched his fists at his sides. “Are the two of you going to help Mom with the bags?”

“You’re the favorite, 501,” Cole said. He pointed at me as he added, “Besides, we want to get to know your girlfriend a little better.”

Levi didn’t correct his brother’s assumption that I was his girlfriend. Instead, he shot them both a dark look and stomped to the entrance of the house. As I watched him leave, I sank into one of the vacated chairs at the kitchen table. I could feel Cole and Evan’s eyes on me before I turned to face them.

“Yes?”

Cole folded his hands in front of him on the table. “We’ve been curious about the deal with you and our baby bro.”

“The deal?” I hoped to hold them off by responding to their questions with my own questions. If I delayed them long enough, Levi would return and shut them up.

“Yup. Levi says the two of you are only friends, but I’m calling bullshit,” Evan said.

“And why is that?”

“Because you want him,” Cole said simply.

“And how exactly can you tell that?”

“Well, each time he looks at you, your eyelashes start to flutter and your face gets all dreamy. Kind of looks like an orgasm face to me,” Cole said with a laugh.

“Gah, you two are the biggest misogynistic pigs—”

Evan held up his palms. “Whoa, slow down there. Why are you so offended?”

“Yeah, don’t you like our brother?”