“It’s almost two in the morning, Jace. I told you I wasn’t coming.” I try to soften my voice, even though I’m frustrated. The air is filled with tension, and the expression, “you could cut it with a butter knife” comes to mind.
“But I’m your best friend. I thought I was at least.” Jace looks around at the others, lingering a moment longer on Ryan. “And it’s my birthday party.”
“Can we talk about this later? This is Zoe’s house. Her parents and brothers and sister are asleep. I don’t think they’d be happy finding out more people came over.”
We stand there for a moment longer, staring each other down. He wants me to go back to the party with him and I want him to leave. It’s not a situation we’ve ever been in before. I can practically feel the power balance shifting in our relationship. The pieces that make Jace and me who we are, together, are all still there, but they are rapidly rearranging themselves. Finally, the dynamics between us settle into a new mold, and the tension in the air starts to lift.
“I’ll go back to the party with you if you want,” Ryan says to me.
Jace’s head turns sharply to look at Ryan. Ryan looks like he wants to step back but he holds his ground.
I sigh. “Look, I’m exhausted. We just watched a movie and spent an hour in a hot tub. I was about to go home and go to sleep.”
“I’ll come,” Jace says, and steps closer to me.
I don’t know how to handle this Jace. He’s still authoritative, and in control, even drunk. But he’s being high maintenance. This side of Jace is still new to me, though it’s becoming more familiar. And now, he’s showing it to others too. He’ll probably be mortified and furious when he sobers up. I don’t want to deal with him then, that’s for sure.
I want to tell him that he can’t come home with me because Ryan’s my boyfriend now, but I can’t bring myself to cut into Jace like that when he looks so lost and exposed. I’d do it if we were alone, but not with others. I glance around at everyone, pleading for some sort of assistance with this situation.
Everyone is watching, waiting for my response. I don’t mean to build the anticipation, but I feel like Jace and I are on a stage, and there’s an audience. These types of exchanges between Jace and I are supposed to be private, and I’m incredibly uncomfortable. Instead of responding to his comment, I turn to head inside, grabbing a towel on the way. “I’m going in to change.”
I’m grateful when no one follows me. I’m back in my yoga pants and hoodie when Zoe joins me in her bedroom. “What are you going to do?” Her voice is sympathetic.
“What do you think I should do?”
“I don’t know. It’s so awkward out there. I feel like Jace could crack at anything right now. You know how to handle him. But, Ryan’s here, and things are so new with you guys. You don’t want him to get the wrong impression.” Zoe looks more concerned about my predicament than I am. I’m just frustrated, and terribly confused.
“I’m going out there.” When I open the door, Ryan is resting on the couch armchair outside Zoe’s bedroom in the basement. “Hey,” I say softly.
“Hey,” he says back. He has nothing but a towel around his waist. His hair is still wet, and there are droplets of water on his eyelashes.
I walk closer to him and he opens his legs so I can stand between them. “Jace isn’t usually like this. I swear, I tell him. “I don’t know what’s gotten into him.”
Ryan places his hands on my hips. “I do. He’s afraid of losing you.”
“But why? We went through a rough patch but things are back to normal again.”
Ryan’s warm eyes lift to look directly at me. “Are they?”
“Maybe not. There’s you now.”
The screen door opens and Jace walks inside. “Time to go home Pep.
Now
.”
I glance at Ryan. “Go ahead,” he says. “We’re all calling it a night anyway.”
Instead of kissing Ryan goodnight, I just give him a tired smile and squeeze his shoulders. Jace is standing in by the screen door glaring at me, and the last thing we need is him causing a scene (more accurately,
another
scene).
Jace insists on sitting in the backseat with me on the drive home. He sits in the middle seat beside me and leans against my shoulder. I’ve never seen him drunk, and it’s unnerving. How can I be so angry with him one minute, and so drawn to him the next?
“Slumber party?” he asks groggily when we pull up outside my apartment.
“Nope. Remy’s taking you home.” I push him off my shoulder and open the car door. The desire to take care of him is overwhelming. I could be a good friend and tuck him in, make sure he drinks some water and sleeps on his side. But friendship is dangerous when it comes to Jace Wilder.
“Goodnight Jace.” It’s my turn to draw the boundaries between us.
I grip Ryan’s hand when the plane starts down the runway, reviewing the safety information I’ve just read in my head.
He squeezes my hand and smiles at me. “How do you feel?”
“If this is it, I suppose I’ve had a good life.”
“Oh, come on. It’s no less safe than driving.”
He puts his arm around me and I snuggle in to his chest, breathing in his smell that I’ve become familiar with. It’s clean laundry and boy. I close my eyes, trying not to think about the rumbling feeling in my belly and the shaking plane.
Ryan rubs my back. Lying on Ryan’s chest reminds me of the bus ride on the way to Districts when I fell asleep on his shoulder. I started to fall for Ryan that day, but the fall was gentle. Like his kisses. It wasn’t a long fall either. I sense that he’s holding back. Or maybe it’s me. It’s probably both of us.
“Are you excited to get back to California?” I ask him, once we’ve taken off and I’m no longer clutching his tee shirt with a death grip.
“Yeah, I am. I’m not planning on seeing many friends though. We’ll get in today, tour the course, race Saturday, and then we head back Sunday.”
“I bet you could have stayed a few more days. The teachers wouldn’t have cared if you missed school.”
“We’re coming back for Christmas and staying through New Year’s, so I’ll see everyone then.”
Nationals is only an hour from Ryan’s home town, but we are all staying at a hotel. Ryan’s uncle offered to host us but we thought it’d be easiest to be close to the course.
When we exit the terminal at San Diego International Airport, a girl our age runs up to Ryan and wraps her arms around him. She has beautiful wavy light brown hair, and long tan legs. When she disentangles herself, I recognize her from some of Ryan’s Facebook photos. It’s Katie. Two guys behind her greet Ryan with brief, less aggressive, hugs. Katie turns to Mark and gives him a hug as well.
“Hey guys. This is a surprise!” Mark says.
“We wanted to surprise Ry!” Katie beams. “Mikey came up from UCLA for the weekend, and you know Chad and I are at USD, so there’s no way we’re missing Ry’s last high school meet!”
“Thanks, guys. You really didn’t have to do that.” Ryan says, but I can tell he’s psyched to see his buddies. I’m too overwhelmed to understand my feelings at the moment. I would have thought Ryan would mention that his girlfriend of three years goes to college here.
“This is my Coach, Tom, and my girlfriend, Pepper.” Three sets of eyes settle on me. I get the feeling the girlfriend thing is news to them.
“That’s cool that you came all the way out here to support Ryan,” Chad says.
Mikey punches Chad in the arm. “She came to race, dumbass! Haven’t you followed this? These two are big news in the running world. Same high school, and they’re both going to Nationals. Pepper Jones, right?” Mikey puts out his hand and I shake it.
Ryan and I get a ride to the hotel with his friends while Coach Tom and Mark pick up the rental car. I somehow end up in the middle between Ryan and Katie. Talk about awkward.
The guys chat away. Ryan tells them about Brockton, and they fill him in on college stuff. I can practically feel the coldness from Katie. Bubbly one minute, and icy the next. I guess it isn’t the reunion she had in mind. I almost feel guilty, but I know I shouldn’t.
“I’m going to take a shower and unpack. I’ll let you guys catch up. Coach said to meet in the lobby around 2, right?” I ask Ryan. I have my own separate hotel room. Ryan’s is down the hall.
“Yeah, but that’s a couple hours from now. Come on over to my room when you’re ready, or we can meet in the lobby.”
“I think I’m just going to rest, but I’ll come by if I change my mind.”
The hotel room is the nicest I’ve ever stayed in. Actually, I’ve only stayed in a few others, all with teammates for cross or track meets. I have this one to myself. I call Gran to let her know I made it. Then I call Jace, but it goes straight to voicemail.
I slip on a hotel bathrobe and wrap my wet hair in a towel after showering. I lie on the bed and turn on the television, but I’m not really watching it. I have another hour to kill before we head over to check in and walk the course. I’ve never felt so lonely in my life.
***
Everyone seems to know Ryan when we walk the course. It takes twice as long as it should because a runner or a coach stops us every few minutes, all wanting to talk to Ryan. This is his domain. And he’s the reigning champ.
Mark and Coach Tom each head off to meet up with friends in the area for dinner while Ryan and I grab dinner at the hotel’s restaurant. It would be romantic, except that Ryan’s friends join us. Katie takes the open seat next to Ryan and I end up directly across from her, between Chad and Mikey. Her chair is practically touching Ryan’s. She glances often at me throughout dinner, making it hard to ignore her.
Chad and Mikey are cool, and they distract me from my anxiety about tomorrow and my annoyance with Katie by telling stories about college. Katie keeps trying to pull Ryan’s attention away by speaking quietly to him so that no one else can hear. She touches him constantly, and Ryan seems perfectly comfortable with it. After all, she was his girlfriend for three years. That’s a serious commitment. It must have been something really special. I shake my head and swallow the lump in my throat.
As soon as I’m done eating I toss some cash on the table to cover my meal and tip. “Hey guys, it was great to meet you all. I’m going to head up to rest for tomorrow.”
Ryan glances up from his conversation with Katie. “You don’t want to chill for a little while? It’s only 7:30. We could all watch a movie or something in my room.”
I make the mistake of glancing at Katie, who is glaring at me. “Nah, I’m exhausted. Goodnight, guys.” I hesitate for a moment. I would normally give Ryan a hug, or maybe a peck on the cheek or something, but it doesn’t feel right. Not with Katie sitting there clutching his arm, and his two friends who have only ever known him as Katie’s boyfriend sitting there watching. Ugh. I give him a pretty pathetic attempt at a smile before heading towards the elevators.
I’m brushing my teeth in the bathroom thirty minutes later when I hear a knock at my door. I check the peephole before opening the door, aware that I am wearing only sleep shorts and a tank top. I see Ryan on the other side and I feel the tightness in my chest ease slightly.
I open the door and stand to the side so he can come in. “Hi,” I say softly. “Are you guys going to watch a movie in your room?”
“No, I told them I should probably get to bed early.” Ryan scratches the back of his head and sits down on the edge of my bed.
“Yeah.” I lean against the dresser, unsure what to say or how to act. Though I hate sounding like a jealous girlfriend, there’s no point in denying it. “So, um, it seems like Katie is still really into you. I’m not going to lie, Ry, it was a little weird for me seeing how close you guys are.”
Ryan raises his eyes from the floor to meet mine. He sighs heavily. He stands up and places his hands on my hips. His eyes search mine. “I’m sorry, Pepper. I didn’t want to be rude to her. I know she was a little more touchy than necessary, but I really don’t have feelings for her anymore.”
“I believe you. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t make me feel terrible.” I speak softly. I’m not angry. I’m not sure what I am. I don’t think he really has feelings for Katie anymore, but just the history of their relationship hurts me.
My phone buzzes, alerting me to an incoming text message.
“Do you want to check it?” Ryan raises his head to ask.
“Nah, I will in a minute.”
Ryan takes my hand and leads me over to the bed. We lie down next to each other, and my heart rate picks up. I’ve never been on a bed with Ryan before like this.
“I’ve been wanting to do this all day,” he says before bringing his mouth to mine. This kiss is passionate, more demanding than the soft ones we’ve shared in the past.
His hands roam along the side of my body, and his thumb brushes my breast. He continues caressing me past my waist and stops at my bottom. Underneath my pajama shorts.
My body instantly reacts, and I press closer to him. He deepens the kiss, and I let my own hands drift from his neck to his chest.
My cell beeps again, reminding me of the unchecked text.
“We should stop, Pepper,” Ryan says shakily.
“We should?” I ask. The erection pressing into my thigh does not agree.
“It won’t take much for me to lose control with you, Pepper. And that’s the last thing I want. Especially tonight.”
“You’re probably right.” I know he is, but my body is on fire, and it’s incredibly difficult not to give in to the desire when he’s lying here right next to me.
When our ragged breathing slows, Ryan sits up and hands me my phone from the nightstand. It’s from Jace.
Call me to say goodnight
.
I glance at Ryan, wondering if he saw the message when he picked up my phone. If Katie had sent Ryan a message like that, I would not have liked it one bit. But then again, I didn’t date Jace for three years. He’s just my friend. Except, not really. Ugh.
Ryan’s watching me. I throw my phone on the bed and take his hands, leading him to the door. “I’ll see you at breakfast at 7:00?” I ask.
Ryan nods before reaching up to cup my cheek. “You’re really amazing, Pepper, you know?” He shakes his head and kisses me softly on the lips. It looks like he wants to say more, but instead he just says, “Sleep well.”
“You too.” I tell him, closing and locking the door behind him. I lean back, taking a deep breath.
When I call Jace, he answers on the first ring. “Hi Pep!” He says enthusiastically.
“Hi, Jace.” Loud music blares in the background. No surprise there.
“How’s California? Did the flight go okay?” He asks.
“It’s great. Yeah, the flight was good,” I tell him.
“What’s up? You sound kind of down. You miss me, don’t you?” I can hear him breathing, like he’s walking upstairs. The background noise fades.
“Of course I miss you. I’m not down though. Maybe a little lonely in this big hotel room, but mostly just nervous for tomorrow.”
“You’re gonna be amazing,” he says earnestly. “Just run like you always do. You’ve got a gift, Pep.”
“Thanks, Jace.”
“I wish I was there,” Jace says.
“In San Diego? You’d like it here. Didn’t USD recruit you?” I ask him.
“Yeah, but I meant there, with you, in your hotel. So you aren’t lonely.”
“Jace,” I warn. It wouldn’t have been weird for him to say that several months ago. He’s always wanted to take care of me. But now . . . “It wouldn’t be right for you to be in my hotel room,” I murmur.
I can practically see Jace’s jaw clenching when he says, “You better be sleeping alone tonight.”
“Relax. Ryan and his dad are sharing a room. Besides, I need to get a good night’s sleep.” I smack myself if the forehead, realizing exactly what I’ve implied with that statement. That Ryan and I wouldn’t be sleeping. “I just meant, I’ll sleep better in a room by myself, you know?”
“You’ve slept fine with me in the past,” Jace points out. It’s true. Aside from the night he slept in my bed recently, we used to share a bed all the time during sleepovers growing up.
“I should get to bed, Jace.” I don’t like the direction this conversation is going.
“Okay. Smile, baby.” He pauses, presumably waiting for me to smile. I do. “I’ll be thinking of you when you’re running tomorrow.”
When I lie in bed, trying to fall asleep, I find myself longing for Jace to be there, holding me.