“Whatever, Wes. This is a really dumb idea. You want him to see me angry?”
And hurt. I don’t need to say it. Wes probably knows how I feel about Jace. If others can see it, there’s no way it’s escaped Wes. He knows this is going to hurt me.
“I’m waiting in the car,” I tell him. “I’ll call him. If he doesn’t answer, you can go in and get him.”
“Fine. Then just bring him home okay?” Wes says as we head down the stairs.
“If he comes out. What if he’s in the middle of, you know?” I grimace.
I kind of hope Wes will deny that Jace might be doing “you know” with the girls, but he doesn’t. “He’ll come.”
We look at each other, both realizing what he said at the same time. Despite the bizarre situation, I can’t help the burst of laughter that erupts. It’s silly, really, but somehow all the emotions built up inside of me come out in a fit of giggles. Wes joins me.
“He’ll come. Oh Wes, that was good.” I clutch my stomach and sigh. It really wasn’t that funny, but I feel better.
Madeline lives a couple of streets down from Wes. “You weren’t invited, huh?” I tease him as we pull up.
Wes doesn’t respond and I glance over at him. His mouth is drawn in that tight, determined look. Maybe that was the wrong thing to ask. Maybe he wanted to be invited. Maybe he’s making me come because he wants to be in Jace’s shoes. What teenage boy wouldn’t? Besides, these are Lincoln girls. It should be Wes, not Jace, who gets to sleep with them. He probably already has, but maybe not all in one night. How does a foursome work anyway? I shake my head, trying to clear it. It doesn’t matter. I’ll never need to know.
“Are you going to call him?” Wes asks.
I take out my phone and hit his number on speed dial. It rings several times and I’m about to hang up when a girl answers with a giggle. “Hellooooo?”
It sounds like Serena. At least it’s not Madeline. “Hi. Is Jace there, please?”
“He’s uh, indisposed, at the moment.” I hear background noises that make me cringe. I might be sick. I can’t believe Wes talked me into this.
“Who is it?” I hear Jace call.
“Don’t worry about it, Jace. It’s not important.” She calls back. “Would you like me to pass any messages along?” She asks me.
“Just tell him that Pepper called, please.” I know she knows it’s me. My picture comes up on his phone when I call him.
“Okay.” She hangs up.
I look at Wes. “Serena answered.”
Wes leans his head back against the seat. “This isn’t going to be fun. He might kill me. You sure you don’t want to come to the door with me? It might save my life.”
“Oh, please.” I know he’s kidding, sort of. “Just tell him I’m in the car before he can say anything. Then he’ll at least be curious enough to wait for you to explain.” I sigh before adding, “You know, I can just talk to him about all of this tomorrow. Do we really need to do it right now?”
“It’ll be the most effective this way,” Wes says as he gets out of the car.
I wait nervously, my mind whirling with images that make me queasy. I glance at the clock at least a hundred times. Only eight minutes have gone by but it feels like hours. Finally, I see the front door open and Jace walks out with Wes. He looks relaxed and calm, not at all what I expected. It must be the drugs.
He slides into the passenger seat and Wes gets in the back seat. Jace gazes at me, his pupils dilated like I’ve never seen before. “Pepper,” he says. It’s a caress, and his voice is raspy. He’s looking at me with desire.
“Jace,” I say back, trying to sound serious. I haven’t looked at him this closely in weeks, and I missed him more than I admitted to myself. We continue staring at each other, locked in some sort of weird staring contest, until Wes clears his throat.
“Guys? Let’s go.”
I turn on the car with shaky hands and drop off Wes at his house. Jace doesn’t say anything, and every time I glance over he’s staring at me. “Stop being a creeper, Jace.”
“Sorry. You’re just so beautiful, Pepper.” I give him a doubtful look. Jace is fucked up right now so I can’t really believe anything he says.
I’m supposed to be angry or hurt, and I think those feeling are buried in me somewhere, but the overwhelming emotion I feel is desire. Lust. He really needs to get out of the car. And I don’t think Jace is feeling anything like remorse or regret, if the way he is looking at me is any indication. So much for Wes’s plan.
“Can we have a sleepover tonight?” Jace asks when we pull into his driveway. “We haven’t done one of those in forever.”
We hadn’t done one of those since Jace started high school. “I’m not going to sleep with you, Jace.” I put the car in park and face him.
Jace reaches out and holds my hand, rubbing circles on the palm. “I don’t mean sleep like that. I mean actually sleep. I’ve missed you so much.” He watches our hands as he continues rubbing circles. “I won’t be able to fall asleep in my bed. I just want to hold you.” His voice is soft, and he sounds so lost. How can I possibly deny him? But this isn’t right. Something is happening between me and Ryan, and a sleepover with Jace is totally inappropriate.
“We can’t, Jace. It’s not right.” Jace’s hopeful expression crumbles. He drops my hand and looks down. He looks so sad. I feel guilty. After all, I did ruin his night.
“Wes said you were worried about me,” he says.
“Let’s not talk about that right now. I do worry. But I just want you home and safe and not messing around with a bunch of girls.” And then, so he doesn’t think my concern is just jealousy, I add, “I hope you were using protection.”
“No matter how fucked up I am, I always do. I don’t trust those girls. No one but you, Pep.”
I don’t know what he means by that.
I can hear the pleading in his voice, and I know that he needs me right now. He’s right. He does need me. He’s totally “rolling” right now with those dilated pupils, and he won’t be able to fall asleep. He shouldn’t be alone the rest of the night and I don’t know what he’ll do on his own anyway. What if he tried to drive somewhere? That would be bad.
“Okay, you can come over to my house.” I pull out of the Wilders’ driveway and park the car on the street outside our apartment.
Gran is asleep, but she’s left my bedroom light on. I usually sleep in my underwear but I leave my sweatpants on when I crawl into bed. Jace slides in next to me. He shuts off the bedside lamp. “Can I take my pants off?” He asks. “I’ll sweat my balls off if I don’t.”
I sigh. “Fine.”
He takes his shirt off as well.
“You have underwear on, right?” I ask. This wouldn’t be so awkward if we hadn’t made out. We could pretend that we weren’t attracted to each other.
“Yeah.” Jace plops his head on the pillow. I lie on my side and watch him. He’s on his back, staring at the ceiling.
“How do you feel?” I ask him.
“I don’t know. That’s a complicated question. I’m happy to be here right now. Really fucking happy to be with you.”
“Let me guess. Ecstatic? That’s why it’s called ecstasy, Jace.”
His eyes dart to mine and he rolls on his side to face me. “How do you know?”
“Gimme a break, Jace.” I roll my eyes.
“Are you disappointed in me?” He asks in a low voice.
“Yeah, of course I am. But let’s not have this conversation right now.”
I can see his eyes in the darkness searching my face. “I won’t do it anymore. If you don’t want. If it means I can be with you.”
“You won’t do what? And be with me how?” My heart leaps in my chest. What is he talking about?
“I won’t do drugs. I’ve been doing them. And be with you. Like this. Just like this. I could lie here every night and I’d be the happiest person in the world.”
I know this is not the time to have this conversation. “Maybe we should go to sleep,” I tell him.
“Can I hold you? Please? I won’t do anything. I promise.”
I snuggle closer and Jace pulls me into his chest, hard. He squeezes me to him and tucks his chin on top my head, tugging me as close as possible. After a few minutes he loosens one of his hands to rub my back, but keeps the other arm tight around my waist. I try not to think about what he was doing with other girls earlier that night. I know he needs me right now. Needs to know we’re okay.
As friends
.
Or not . . . I can feel his penis pressed against my thigh, and there aren’t a lot of layers between us. It makes me want to do things I really shouldn’t want, and definitely shouldn’t do.
“I know you can feel me,” he says. “I’m sorry. I can’t help it. But I swear I don’t want to do anything with you. Well, I want to, but I want this more. I just want to hold you, okay? Ignore my dick.”
“I can’t ignore it, Jace.” My face is pressed into his chest and my voice is muffled.
Jace adjusts himself so I’m still at his side, but can’t feel him anymore. “Is that okay?”
I nod. This was a bad idea. But it’s almost midnight, nearly two hours later than I usually go to sleep, and I’m exhausted. Jace strokes my hair and my back at the same time, and it soothes me to sleep.
When I wake up the next morning, I’m tucked into Jace’s side like a football, and his throwing arm is wrapped around me. He nuzzles my neck like a cat. “Are you awake?” I ask.
“Yeah, but don’t move. I like you here.”
His voice is scratchy.
“You should go home to get ready for school.” Even though I’m quite comfortable, I know this shouldn’t be happening.
“Five more minutes.” He inhales.
“Are you smelling me?” I ask him.
“Yeah. You smell like the ocean or something. I missed it.”
“I’ve never even been to the ocean,” I remind him.
“What kind of shampoo do you use?” He pulls me closer to him.
“Jace!” I squeal and jump away from him when I feel him hard against my bottom. I must have taken my sweats off some time in the middle of the night because we’re both in our underwear. “Is it always like that! Jeez!”
Jace chuckles. “It’s called a morning wood. Sorry.” But he doesn’t seem the least bit sorry. He glances down at it. “He’s waking up. Stretching, if you will.”
I sit and cross legs. “Ryan’s picking me up in 30 minutes. And Gran’s going to freak when she sees you. We need to get up.” Jace sighs and rolls over onto his back, his erection proudly pushing up from black boxer briefs. He catches me staring and grins.
“Are they all like that?” I ask him. I should let it go, but my fascination gets the better of me.
“Like what?” He knows what I mean, but he wants me to say it.
“That . . . big!” I cover my face with hands, mortified. It just seems so huge, and I don’t understand how it can fit inside anyone. Jace pries my fingers away from my eyes.
“Don’t be embarrassed. No, they aren’t all the same size. You must know that, at least.”
I nod. Duh. “But do you know where yours is, like, size-wise?”
He raises his eyebrows. “What do you think?”
It’s big. He knows it. Of course. He has all the other goods, why wouldn’t he have that as well? I push him hard, trying to roll him off the bed but he doesn’t budge.
He starts laughing and I smile. It’s good to have Jace back. The cocky, care free, Jace. Maybe it will all be okay after all.
There’s a loud knock on my door. “Jace Vernon Wilder! I know you’re in there!” Gran screams. It’s not a scream I recognize. Is she mad? It’s hard to know with Gran. Jace and I look at each other with quizzical expressions.
“Coming!” Jace yells back. He pulls on his jeans and quickly answers the door. Gran eyes his shirtless chest before moving her gaze to me. I’m sitting in bed. At least the covers are hiding my bare legs.
“Would one of ya like to tell me what is goin’ on here?” She asks calmly. Too calmly.
“It’s not what it looks like, Gran,” I tell her. “You know I went to Wes’s last night? Well, then we met up with Jace and he just decided to sleep here.” I try to be as honest as possible. Not that drugs and orgies would necessarily shock Gran, but still.
“Hmph,” Gran growls out.
“I assure you, Buns, there were no shenanigans.” Jace sounds contrite.
Gran crosses her arms and looks back and forth between us. The mis-matching pajama set and piglet slippers diminish the impact of her piercing gaze, but only slightly. Apparently she’s satisfied by her assessment because she turns to go back to the kitchen.
As soon as Jace looks back at me we break into another fit of giggles. It’s like we’re little kids again, and we know we’re up to no good. Jace’s six pack clenches as he laughs, and the temperature in the room increases. I clutch my stomach and roll back onto the bed to avoid thinking thoughts that I shouldn’t.
“Okay, get outta here. I need to get dressed,” I shoo him away.
Jace throws on his tee shirt and leans against the door frame. “So, does this mean you’re not shutting me out anymore?” He asks.
I stare at the ceiling, avoiding his gaze. Does Jace need me? Do I have bargaining power? “Will you stop doing drugs?”
Jace takes a moment to answer. “Yeah. Okay.”
Sheesh. That was easy. I push my luck. “Will you stop dealing drugs?” I say it quietly, just in case Gran is eavesdropping.
“Yes.”
Definitely too easy. All I had to do was ask? I have a hard time believing him.
“You should go. Ryan’s picking me up soon and I need to get ready.”
“Can I start picking you up again? And dinner?” I glance at him standing in the door. He looks young and lost again, like he did last night. I so rarely see him like that, and it’s impossible to resist.
“Yeah.” I heave out a loud sigh, and I’m rewarded with Jace’s heart-stopping smile. Just shoot me.
I hear Gran lecturing Jace while I pull on a pair of dark skinny jeans and a knit sweater.
“Young man, I don’t know what you’re up to but it’s messin’ with my granddaughter so you better clean up your act. You know I’m here for you, but you gotta wisen’ up. Getting into a little trouble is healthy and you always were a bit of a trouble maker. But now I’m thinking you’ve been getting into some bad trouble. So get your shit together Jace Wilder.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Jace says. “I know what you’re sayin’.”
“Good.”
They say a few more things to each other that I can’t hear before the front door closes. A few minutes later, I’m brushing my teeth when I hear Ryan chatting with Gran in the kitchen. I haven’t fully recovered from Jace being here. Ryan’s newfound familiarity in our kitchen, so close to when Jace was here, is unnerving.
Gran hands me my lunch box and a cream cheese bagel for breakfast.
“I thought I saw Jace walking down the sidewalk when I pulled in,” Ryan says when we’re in his car.
“Oh, yeah. He was at our house.” Shoot. I know this isn’t going to sound good. “It’s a long story.” I take a bite of bagel to give myself a second to gather my thoughts.
“Oh?” Ryan prompts.
“Don’t freak out, okay? Jace was kind of fucked up last night and I didn’t want to leave him alone so he crashed at our house.”
I peek at Ryan, and the hurt look on his face is like a kick in the gut. “I thought you guys weren’t really talking right now?”
“We weren’t. But I think I need to be there for him. Nothing happened between us though, okay?” Yet, I feel guilty.
Ryan pauses before he asks the question I know he doesn’t want to ask, and I don’t want to answer. “Where did he sleep?”
“We don’t have a spare room, but we just slept.”
“In your bed?” Ryan cringes, like it’s painful for him to ask.
“Ryan, something is happening between us. With you and me, I mean.” I quickly amend, knowing he could easily jump to the wrong conclusion. “And I hope it can keep happening, even though I know it was easier when Jace and I weren’t speaking. But Jace is going to start being around again. Driving me to school, and dinner and stuff.”
I don’t want Ryan to give up on us yet. I’ve already formed a strong attachment to him and it scares me how much I hate the idea of Ryan moving on to Lisa, or someone else.
Ryan pulls into the senior parking lot. The radio is playing softly, and he sighs when he looks at me. His warm brown eyes harden with resolve. “Can I kiss you right now?” He asks.
I don’t respond, but lean over the center console and gently brush my lips against his. He places his hands on either side of my face and softly kisses me back. He moves his head to the side, letting our lips slowly run along each other. His breath is warm against my skin. Ryan’s thumbs skims back and forth along my cheekbones, and I sigh into him, letting my head drop to his shoulder.
“I’m going to be doing that a lot more, if that’s okay with you,” Ryan tells me.
“Permission granted.”