Gran shakes her head, because he didn’t answer that question either. But I already know the answer. He’s keeping his distance. Instituting boundaries. Controlling our relationship. What’s new?
Jace changes the subject. “So, I’m actually gonna be out of town a bunch this fall for a couple of recruit visits to different colleges. I’ll usually just be gone weekends, but I’ll have Remy swing by if I’m away on a school day.”
The dinner with both Ryan and Jace isn’t quite as bad as I’d thought it’d be. The guys end up talking about the different colleges they are visiting on recruiting trips, and Gran chirps in with her opinions.
“Are either of you guys considering CU?” I ask. I haven’t raised the subject with Jace, but I’ve wanted to a million times. I take a bite of mashed potatoes, pretending to be more interested in the food than his answer.
“Yeah, definitely,” Ryan answers first. “It was one of my first choices before my dad became coach. It’s got one of the best cross programs in the country. So, assuming my dad doesn’t screw that up, I’ll just have to decide if I want him to be my coach.”
“Would that be weird?” I ask.
“I don’t think so. He’s always helped coach me unofficially. I think it could be pretty cool,” he says with a shrug. “We’ll see. I haven’t gone on any other visits yet so maybe I’ll like somewhere else better. Oregon seems pretty awesome too.”
Gran helps me out. “What about you, Jace?” She asks him.
Jace looks right at me. “CU’s my first choice.”
I put my fork down. “But you just told us about all the schools recruiting you. I don’t get it. I didn’t think CU’s football team was in the same league.”
“It’s not. But it still has a decent division one team. I’d rather know I’m gonna get to play than risk being a bench warmer.” Jace watches me as he butters a piece of cornbread.
“Hmmm. . .” Gran hums loudly from her end of the table.
“What about you, Pep?” Jace asks. “What are you thinking for college?”
I’m surprised by his question. I figured he knew I wouldn’t want to leave Gran.
“CU, if they gave me a scholarship. If not, the closest school with a running team that gives me a scholarship.” I pat Gran’s hand. “Don’t worry, I’ll move into the dorms at least.”
“You know you can stay here with me on Shadow Lane as long as you want, baby girl,” Gran tells me.
Jace only stays a moment to help clean up after Ryan leaves. I’m still digesting the news that he might stay in Brockton. I almost wish I didn’t know it was a possibility. I don’t want to get my hopes up. Besides, he’ll be in college. I’ll never see him. Kids from Brockton go to CU all the time, but they disappear just like the kids who go out of state. Swept into the college bubble. It’s another reason why it’s so odd that Jace hangs out with college kids. That world is supposed to be separate.
Gran can tell I’m distracted and she doesn’t ask me about homework or anything else. Instead, she takes her nightly bong hit and settles in to watch television and knit on the sofa with Dave.
The rest of the week falls into its normal routine. Jace picks me up in the morning, mostly ignores me at school, and eats dinner at our house a few nights. I’m starting to wonder if I imagined everything that happened on Saturday night.
If I’m being honest, I guess things aren’t totally the same between us. I want to pretend that we can go back to our easy friendship, but I can’t. Making out with Jace was one of the best moments of my life, followed by one of the worst. It was hard enough trying to ignore my feelings for him before I kissed him. Now that I know firsthand how good it can be with us, suppressing my wayward thoughts when we’re together is impossible. Besides, Jace felt it too. That was undeniable.
So why did he say it can’t happen again?
I have some theories. He doesn’t stick around with one girl, and he cares about me enough not to want to hurt me, which he undoubtedly will. Maybe he doesn’t want our friendship to change, since we’ve got a pretty good thing going with the whole keeping it platonic thing. Plus, he doesn’t do the girlfriend thing, and he knows I’m not a casual hook up kind of girl. I can understand those explanations. But I expect there’s something more. If it felt as good for him as it did for me, he’d be willing to take the risk. Right?
Jace wants to control our relationship just like he does everything else in his life. He’s controlled it so far, I’ll be the first to admit. Keeping our friendship in a neat little box, separate from the rest of his crazy party life. And I’m not the only one he keeps at arms’ length. He never gets emotionally involved with a girl, despite his intimate interactions with them. How does he do that anyway? On the beanbag in his room, I felt closer to him than I ever had before. Minutes later, when he coldly told me it wouldn’t happen again, I felt lonelier than I ever had before. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster.
The arrival of my first race of the season – the Aspen Leaf Invitational – forces me to stop overanalyzing Jace Wilder and the havoc he’s wreaking on my heart.
Unfortunately, Dorothy Sandoval is my teammate, and she has juicy gossip to share.
“Did you hear about what happened at Ben’s place on Thursday night?” It’s a rhetorical question. Dorothy knows that no one on the team is friends with that crowd, or keeps tabs on them.
“I guess it was a just a few people,” she continues when no one responds. “You know the group. Connor, Remy, Jace, Kayla, Andrea, and Lisa. Oh, and Tina Anderson. You know she’s kind of dating Connor or something now right? Well, they all did E.”
“E? Are we supposed to know what that is?” Jenny asks.
“It’s ecstasy. You know, like the drug. They’re little pills you take and they make you really, like, happy and sensual and stuff,” Dorothy is all too eager to inform us.
“Oh,” Jenny says in a tone suggesting she doesn’t especially care to be educated by Dorothy Sandoval on the matter.
I swallow, the cool morning air no longer feeling as refreshing as it did just a moment ago. Jace told me he didn’t do drugs. I thought I could at least believe the things he does tell me, even if I have to be left to wonder about the things he doesn’t.
“Yeah.
Ohhhhh
,” Dorothy emphasizes dramatically, before continuing her story. “And I guess they were all like, tripping out, and one thing led to another, and there was a lot of sex.”
My throat tightens and constricts and it has nothing to do with our jogging pace, which should feel easy and relaxing. I stumble over a root.
“You okay?” Zoe asks.
I regain my footing. “Yeah. How do you know about this?” I ask Dorothy.
“Tina Anderson. You know, Dana Foster’s BFF? They’re in my photography class and we sometimes hang out. I mean, they’re juniors, but they’re cool,” Dorothy adds. I glance at Zoe, who rolls her eyes. Dorothy’s point that
we
are not cool enough does not go unnoticed.
She continues proudly relaying her information. “Tina and Dana said that this wasn’t the first time the group had that kind of get-together, but Tina was only invited for the first time the other night. She said she’d try to see if Dana could come next time. But seriously, if she’s telling people all about it, I doubt they’ll invite her again.”
I clear the lump in my throat. “So, what did she mean about a lot of sex?”
Claire, who is running beside me, gives me an annoyed look. We usually ignore Dorothy’s little rants, and it’s unlike me to encourage her. But I can’t help my curiosity.
“It sounded like they all had sex with each other. How crazy is that, right? Okay, maybe not everyone had sex with everyone, but, like, they watched and stuff. Tina saw Jace bang all three of the other girls. She made it sound like he didn’t go for her because she was with Connor, but I think she was kind of disappointed.”
Zoe snorts. “Seriously? That’s pathetic. Who wants to get in line for that? Yuck!”
I’m disgusted, and hurt. But this shouldn’t affect me so much because I’ve always known how Jace is, right? No, this isn’t the Jace I’ve always known. Sex with multiple girls in one night? Hard drugs like ecstasy? A simple kiss and make out session with me is nothing to him. I’m not cut out to be with a guy like Jace. I’m only fit to be his neighborly friend, separate from the world he lives in. And the thing is, I want no part of that world. It’s not the Jace I know, the Jace I’ve had a crush on for years. Who is he anyway? Do I even know him?
My head is swimming and the trees in front of me start to blur. I quickly wipe my eyes before anyone can see, but they immediately refill with hot tears.
Claire notices before I can turn away and she touches my arm. I slow my pace to drop to the back of the group. The last thing I want is Dorothy catching my reaction and adding it to the gossip circuit.
“Hey, hey,” Claire says softly, noticing the tears burning down my cheeks. “What’s going on?” She searches my eyes.
“It’s nothing.” I wipe my running nose and take deep breaths to calm myself. I
Zoe looks behind her and catches my eye. I nod, urging her to keep the team from noticing me. Bless her little wild heart, Zoe asks Dorothy a question, distracting her from my melt down.
I stop running, and Claire rubs my back, unsure why she’s comforting me, but doing it nonetheless.
I kick some rocks and look up at the sky. “I can’t help it. I know he’s not in my league, but. . .” I sigh. “I kissed Jace last weekend, and I thought he was into it. The kiss, it changed everything for me. But obviously, it didn’t for him.”
Zoe pulls me in for a hug. I blubber on her shoulder. “I feel like I don’t even know him sometimes.”
“Maybe Dorothy misheard or misunderstood what Tina was saying,” Claire says quietly.
“Why would Tina make something like that up?” I pull away. “And you know Dorothy has no reason to embellish a story for our benefit. Besides, I’ve heard rumors about the same kind of thing before, it just never bothered me like it does now. Before he was just my friend who was unattainable, and the rumors were just stories about the side of him I’d never know,” I say with a frustrated sigh. “I thought, maybe, after we kissed, that I could know all of him, you know? But now I don’t know if I want to know all of him, or if I even can.”
“I always knew you and Jace had this weird friendship but you never talk about it, so I never knew how it was.”
“Well, I don’t really know how it is either.” I laugh bitterly. “I shouldn’t have kissed him. It just gave me an even more real visual when I hear about him with other girls.”
When Claire doesn’t say anything in response, I know she agrees. I’m not one of those girls, and a hot guy like Jace Wilder has no reason to treat me differently from the many other girls he can be with. I should have just kept it platonic.
The joy of racing eases the throbbing in my chest to a dull ache. Fortunately, the physical reaction of heartbreak doesn’t mess with the strength in my legs. Just like Coach instructed, I settle in to a comfortable tempo, letting my legs carry me along.
“Bring it in, Pepper!” I hear Coach call from the sideline. “Nice and steady.”
I detect the warning in his voice, urging me not to push too hard. There’s no reason to. I’m leading the race, and there’s no sound of anyone behind me.
“Yaaaaaay Pepper!” Gran screams when I run by her on the final stretch to the finish line. She’s jumping up and down and I grin in her direction.
I’m still grinning when I run through the finish line. It’s the first race I’ve won with such ease. My time is several seconds faster than my time on this course last year, and I’m not even breathing very hard. It’s just what I need - confidence that Nationals is within my reach. The season technically began a month ago, but I was just in waiting mode until now.
I cheer my teammates on when they finish, and we warm down together before watching the boys’ race. There are two guys from other teams who stay with Ryan for the first two miles but he drops them easily and they fall back with the rest of the pack. Ryan doesn’t even look like he’s at a race. His long legs move smoothly, as though running is the most natural thing in the world. God made this boy’s body to run, and it’s beautiful to watch.
“He’s like you, you know.” Jenny is standing next to me at the finish line. “He’s like the boy version of you when he runs. Have you ever watched yourself run?” she asks.
I frown. “Actually no, I don’t think so. I’ve seen pictures.”
“Yeah, well, you look totally awesome when you’re running. I watched you at state last year when I was still in eighth grade.” She grins. “I was kind of obsessed.”
I like this girl. There’s no facade. No fear. She runs that way too. “You kicked butt today, by the way. What place was it? Fifth? That’s awesome.”
“Thanks.” She beams. Jenny beat Zoe and Claire. She’s already moved into the number two position on the team as a freshman. I’m excited to watch her improve even more.
Ryan finds me after the race and introduces me to his mom and his thirteen-year-old brother, Kevin. Before I have a chance to talk to them, we are interrupted by a guy with a video camera.
“I’m from channel 9 news and we’d like to interview both of you for the 5:00 evening news.”
Ryan acts like this happens every day and I try to play along. I’m sticky and dirty, but all I really have to do is answer questions about the race, and my plans for the rest of the season. They ask Ryan questions about his college choices, and he provides the names of a few schools he’s looking at.
Jenny jogs up to me afterward. “Looks like you might get a chance to see yourself running after all. I heard they video taped the whole race.”
Gran hears about the news interview and glues herself to the television as soon as we get home. She’s bursting with pride, calling all of her friends to tell them to turn on the television. If nothing else, I’m thankful that Gran gets so much pleasure out of watching me run. I think if I placed last in every race, she’d be just as enthusiastic. She is impressed with my races no matter what the result.
The image on the screen flashes to the starting line of the Aspen Leaf Invitational before flashing to an image of me running as I break away from the rest of the girls.
“Brockton Public dominated the twenty-sixth Aspen Leaf Invitational this morning. Reigning state champion, Pepper Jones, cruised into the finish with a smile on her face, nearly thirty seconds ahead of second place finisher, Kendra Smith.”
I hardly recognize myself when the screen zooms in on me running towards the finish line. Jenny was right. If it wasn’t for the uniform and the cheering fans, you wouldn’t know I was racing. Like Ryan, I look relaxed. My legs float along the grass, propelling me forward with seemingly effortless momentum. When the screen flashes to other finishers, the contrast is unnerving. Their arms are pumping hard, and their faces are twisted from the exertion.
After reviewing the boys’ race, the commentator shows clips from the interview with me and Ryan. “Today’s wins for Harding and Jones are just the beginning. We’ll be watching these two young athletes when they take on the national field.”