October Joy (Moments In Paradise 1) (12 page)

Sarah had no idea how she managed to smile, but she did and then after a cordial good-night to them both, she turned away.  By the time she got to the car, she tried to shut down her tears, not wanting to have to explain them to Andrew or spoil their final hours together.  But her effort was in vain because Andrew noticed her inner pain as soon as she didn’t return his warm smile.

“Hey,” he said, pulling her against his shoulder.  “What happened?”

She burst into tears and cried for a long time, but in a more normal way than she had last night.  Andrew held her gently and didn’t force her to talk until she had half a chance of speaking in coherent sentences.  She didn’t know how to describe to him the way she felt and why it all hurt so much.  One minute she was missing Levi terribly, and the next she was feeling resentful for all of the years she had lived in his shadow.  Without him, she was completely insignificant and worthless.

“Did someone find out about us and say something to you?” he asked.

“No,” she said, wishing that was it.  At least then she would be getting some attention instead of only being worthy of plastic smiles and kind words that weren’t about her anyway, just Levi.

Andrew kissed her forehead and brushed her hair with his fingers.  “Talk to me, Sarah.”  It was a command, not an invitation.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing, it’s just--”

Andrew gave her some time to answer, but she didn’t take it.  “It’s just what?” he prompted her, kissing her gently on the temple and rubbing her back.

She let out the words consuming her thoughts.  “I don’t matter, Andrew.  I’m nobody without Levi.”

“That’s not true, Sarah.”

He said it with certainty and conviction, but she wasn’t buying it.  He didn’t know how much Levi had done.  How many people’s lives he had touched.  How many people adored him, including her.  The church had suffered a great loss.  She had suffered a great loss.  Her life was meaningless without him.  Her purpose in life had been to be his wife, and without Levi, she had no purpose.  No reason to be here.  No reason to be at her church each Sunday.  No reason to keep living.

“I should have gone before him,” she said.  “God should have taken me instead and left Levi here to--”

“Stop, Sarah,” Andrew said.  “I want to marry you, not Levi.”

His words shocked her, scared her, and made her laugh all at the same time.  They shocked her because it was the second time today he had mentioned marriage, and they scared her because she wasn’t sure she wanted to be a pastor’s wife again.  She wasn’t cut out for it.

But mostly they made her laugh because that’s what Andrew did.  He flooded her heart with joy every time they were together.  Levi had done the same thing.  Even in the difficult times, he could always make her laugh.

“That’s the last time I ever want to hear you say that,” Andrew said seriously.  “God doesn’t make mistakes, Sarah.”

“Did you ever feel so lost without Annika you wanted to die?”

“Yes.  Many times.”

“How did you go on?”

“Mostly because I had to.  I had a lot of people depending on me, and I rose to the challenge, but it took me awhile to figure out they all could have survived without me, but I couldn’t survive without Jesus.  It’s not about you needing Levi or Levi needing you, it’s about you needing God, Sarah.  He wants you to see how much you need Him and how greatly He can meet your needs.  He’s been doing it your whole life, you need to trust Him to keep doing it.”

Sarah found peace in Andrew’s words.  She felt the same as when he talked with her this afternoon about learning to enjoy God, and she knew the two were connected without having to ask.

“Will you help me see that, Andrew?”

“Yes.”

She was thinking more on a long-term basis, but Andrew didn’t waste any time.

“Think for a minute, Sarah.  How have you seen it in the last three months?  How has God met your needs?  Have you gone hungry yet?  Have you been completely starved of love and affection?  Have you had any joy at all?”

She thought mostly of her son and daughter and their families.  She had been thankful many times they both lived close by.  Her grandson had become even more of a joy to her on the day of Levi’s funeral than the day he was born.  And Jamison, her son-in-law, had been a blessing to her also as he joined their family officially last month.

She also thought of some friends and people in the church who were making sure her needs were met.  No she hadn’t gone hungry; The church had decided to keep paying her Levi’s regular salary until a new pastor was hired, and she also had the life-insurance money for when that time came.

She shared all of that with Andrew, and she felt better, but her emotional needs were more of a factor than financial ones.  And the support was there, but sometimes she worried once her loss of Levi began to fade from the minds of others, she would be forgotten about also.  She was still the pastor’s wife, but what would happen when a new pastor was hired?  Would others still see her?  She often hated her role, but it was part of her significance.  It made her feel needed and important.

But Andrew said something to give her peace about the future and the greatest sense God was very much at work to meet her needs now and for years to come.  If she had the courage to believe it.

“I’m here for you too, Sarah.  God led me to you.”  Placing his fingers under her chin, Andrew lifted her face toward his.  “Do you believe that?”

She whispered her response.  “Yes.”

“Do you believe it enough to let me kiss you right now?”

His words made her heart race.  If she wasn’t going home tomorrow with no idea when she might see him again, she would ask him to wait on that.  But she needed to know this was real between them.  Today hadn’t been a fantasy.  Andrew wasn’t just saying nice-sounding words.  She already knew he hadn’t been with anyone else since Annika had passed away, not even a single date or a desire for that.  And yet he was offering her a sign of commitment he could love again, and she knew he wouldn’t take it lightly.

“Only if you really want to,” she said.  “Only if I’m going to see you again.”

His eyes danced, and he smiled.  “Yes to both of those,” he laughed, moving the few inches necessary to meet her lips with his.  The intensity of his nearness and the gentleness of his touch instantly transported her into another lifetime.  Levi had been her one and only, and she had loved him very much.  But God was opening another chapter of her life--like the sequel to a bestseller.

“I’ve been wanting to do that all day,” he said, stroking her cheek and smiling like he didn’t regret it in the least.

She smiled.  “You have?”

“Yes, Sarah.  I am so attracted to you.  You stole my heart the first night we were here.”

He kissed her again, and she didn’t regret giving him permission to do this.  Levi had been a good kisser.  Always gentle, sweet, and loving.  And Andrew kissed her in a similar way and yet different enough for her to know it wasn’t Levi.   She wasn’t surprised Andrew’s kiss felt nice and gave her some assurance he truly cared for her, but she was a little surprised he lingered to the point she felt desirable to him.

Driving back to the hotel then, Andrew waited in the lobby for her while she went to change into some suitable clothing for another walk.  She wore her jeans again because they were warmer than the khaki pants she had been wearing earlier today.  When she met Andrew in the lobby, he seemed to be admiring her physical appearance more than she had seen him do thus far.  It was a strange feeling to be looked at by another man besides Levi, just like being kissed by Andrew, but she didn’t feel ashamed of any of it.

He walked with his arm around her waist on the way to the café, and that gave her a schoolgirl-like feeling.  Andrew had an adolescent quality to him.  An innocent nature she knew she could take at face-value.  He wasn’t trying to seduce her or charm his way into this.  He was simply being himself, and he wasn’t afraid to let her know how he felt about being with her.

“What was your favorite part of today?” he asked after they were seated and sipping their warm coffee.

She thought back over the day, and she didn’t think she could pick just one moment.  It had all been pleasant, and progressively so.  She felt more connected to him as the day went by, especially since he kissed her this evening, but the gradual closeness had an appeal of its own.

“I liked being at the bookstore with you,” she said for starters.  “It’s been a long time since I’ve gone shopping with a man.  Levi never went shopping unless it was for a major purchase like new furniture.  I kept thinking, ‘I’m here with someone, and it’s a man who isn’t my husband!’  She laughed.  “I know it’s been more than twenty-five years since that happened.”

He smiled but didn’t say anything, and she shared another favorite moment.  “I liked riding in the car with you through the country too.  Levi and I used to go for drives a lot, especially on Sunday afternoons.  You really do remind me of him in a lot of ways.”

“Can you imagine him being the one doing this right now?  Like if you had been married to someone else, and he was the one who lost his wife five years ago and then met you at a ministry conference?”

“I can, but I don’t think he would be moving this fast.  We had been seeing each other for three months before he kissed me, and even after that he took his time.  Which was good.  I appreciated that about him.”

“Am I moving too fast, Sarah?”

“No.  It’s a different time for me now.  I’m not nearly as naive as I was back then.”
At least I hope not. 
She took another sip of her coffee as Andrew mentioned another part of their day.

“And how did you like being at the lake with me?  That’s the one part of this day I actually planned.”

She tried to think of the right word to describe their time together there.  It seemed unreal.  “I liked it very much,” she said.  “It was perfect.  I haven’t had an afternoon like that in a long time.  And I don’t just mean since Levi’s been gone, but even before that.”

Pausing for a moment, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to tell him why, but she went ahead, knowing he would likely ask her anyway.  “We were supposed to go on a two-week vacation up to Canada, all the way to Nova Scotia and back, for our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.  We hadn’t gone anywhere or had some time off since last summer, and I was really looking forward to it because Levi had been so busy.  It wasn’t even so much about the trip as just having some uninterrupted time with him.”

The pain was still fresh in her heart, and she wasn’t sure she could say this.  Andrew must have noticed something in her facial expression because he moved his chair closer to hers at the circular table and put his hand on her back, silently urging her to continue.

“The day before we were supposed to leave, one of the older women in the church passed away.  She was as old as the hills, and her death wasn’t any big shock, but the family wanted Levi to do the funeral, and so we stayed.  We postponed the trip until August, the next time Levi knew he could get away, but then when August came--” She couldn’t finish her thought. 
He was gone.

“Oh, Sarah,” he said, leaning close and pulling her against him.  She cried softly into his shoulder.  It had been a few weeks since she thought of that.  She hadn’t been able to have angry thoughts toward Levi so soon after his death when that circled date on the calendar came around.

“Why had it been so long since you’d had some time away?” Andrew asked.

“I don’t know when exactly, or why, but Levi became really obsessed with his work the last couple of years.  Nothing was more important to him than turning the church around: not his heart and the unnecessary stress he was putting on it, not me, not even his own enjoyment of life.  I tried to talk to him.  Chandler tried.  But he was a man with a mission, and that became his life.  Even when we were here last year, he was different.  I didn’t see him except for at meals.  He was teaching or mentoring the rest of the time.”

Sarah began to wonder if what she and Andrew were experiencing together this week was real, or if she was lonely and mistaking Andrew’s attentiveness and affection for love.  She also wondered if it could be any different with Andrew once she went home tomorrow.  He hadn’t been busy here and had been free to spend the whole day with her and several hours last night.  But what about when he went back to California and his life there?  She could be sitting by the phone and never hearing it ring night after night.

But when Andrew gently caressed her cheek and tilted her face to kiss her lips, she didn’t feel like she could push him away.

“I’m sorry, Sarah.  I’m sorry you’ve had a difficult year.  I hope I can change that.”

You are, but will you stop? 
“Andrew, if this isn’t--If you can’t--”

“I can, Sarah.  And I want to.  I’m falling in love with you.  This is the real deal for me.  If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be kissing you and acting like a love-struck college student.”

For the moment she believed him.  She had to.  There was something about the way Andrew said things that made her believe him without a shadow of a doubt.  Just like Levi.  He was different than him and yet so much the same in the ways she needed him to be, and allowing herself to be vulnerable with him felt more comfortable than trying to guard her heart.

They continued talking and sharing sweet kisses, and in a way she did feel like they were a couple of college students who didn’t need to think about tomorrow and what would happen after that.  On the walk back to the hotel, she told him something she had been thinking about since he said that about this being the real deal for him.  She knew it was for her too, or she wouldn’t be doing it.  This wasn’t like her to be spending all of this time with anyone, let alone a single and attractive man.  She needed to let it be what it was.

“I want us to stay together tomorrow, Andrew.”

“At the church?”

“Yes.  I want you by my side the whole time.”

They were almost to the hotel, and he didn’t comment until they reached the doors.  Taking her into his arms, he held her gently for a long time and gave her another kiss.