My Brother's Keeper (13 page)

Goddamn him. Ellis slumped against the counter. He had to hold it together. If he broke, Rudy would hurt worse than he already did. “Do you want syrup or honey to go on your waffle?”

Rudy didn’t answer.

“Rudy?” A new shiver of fear raced over Ellis’s skin. He looked up. Rudy’s chair was empty. He went into the dining room. “Rudy?” Then the living room. Ellis found Rudy at the front door looking out the window. “Why didn’t you answer me?”

Rudy kept staring.

Ellis walked over. “Please come sit down and eat.”

“I didn’t get to say goodbye. I should have said goodbye. So tell him for me. Tell Jon I said goodbye.” Rudy pushed past Ellis and walked to the stairs. “I’m going to my room now.” He waited at the bottom step.

Ellis swallowed back the lump in his throat. “Okay.”

“What if I have to go to the bathroom?”

“You go to the bathroom then go back to your room.”

Rudy went up the stairs. A moment later his door thumped shut.

Ellis slid to the floor.

He was wrong. The rage didn’t need to recede before the grief consumed him. If anything, his anger fed the sadness, making it stronger.

Everything inside Ellis shattered.

The Moonlight Motel was small, old, and probably should have been condemned, but Jon wasn’t one to judge. Right now, compared to the disaster of his life, the place was the Ritz.

He dropped his bag on the floor and shut the door. The lock didn’t want to engage so he used the chain instead.

The he went to the bed and collapsed. His head hurt. His heart hurt. His throat squeezed, and his stomach twisted. The misery eating him was a fate worse than death.

Even tears abandoned Jon. Perhaps only people who deserved to cry got the privilege. And, right now, Jon deserved nothing.

The clock on the bedside table read 10:00 a.m. Had it only been an hour since he’d destroyed his chances for happiness? His appointment with Dr. Kale was at one. No need to go now. Mike was going to be pissed for standing up his colleague twice in a row.

If only Jon could find the will to care.

Too bad he couldn’t just get in his car and drive. But he couldn’t let Ellis down twice. His testimony would be needed if Lenny didn’t plead out.

Jon dragged himself closer to the phone. He dialed the number to Kale’s office. He at least owed the man the courtesy of a cancellation call. The secretary answered and Jon made the conversation as short as possible.

After he hung up, he lay with his arm over his eyes. How was it possible to feel hung over when he hadn’t had a drop? He’d never been a drinker before the factory incident. Now if he put the stuff to his lips, he couldn’t stop until he had to hold on to the ground so he wouldn’t spin off into space.

No, it was just better to stay away from the booze. He’d already fucked up enough today.

The phone rang. Jon was surprised by the sound as he was by the grogginess of his thoughts. Had he fallen asleep? He looked at the clock. He’d lost two hours.

He answered it. “Hello?”

“Jon?”

Mike?
“How did you get this number?”

“I instructed Dr. Kale’s secretary to call me if you cancelled your appointment.”

“That still doesn’t explain how you got this number.”

“Kale’s office has caller ID. It can come in handy sometimes when patients need help, but can’t ask for it.”

“Last time I checked I was no one’s patient. At least, not yet.”

“What happened?”

“You know, I don’t really feel like talking to you right now.” Jon hung up the phone. Less than a minute passed when it rang again. Jon picked up the receiver. “You don’t know how to take a hint, do you?”

“No, I just happen to be as stubborn as you are.”

“Stubborn?” Jon laughed. “How about I pull the cord out of the wall? Let’s see you call back then.”

“There’s a flight leaving DC in less than an hour. I could be there before dinner.”

Dealing with Mike on the phone was one thing, but trying to avoid him in person was impossible. The man could reach a person’s soul and force them to tell him what he wanted to know. Right now, Jon couldn’t face the ugly things the man would dig out.

“Fine. We’ll talk.”

“Good.” There was the distinct sound of the catch on a door being shut. “Now. Why did you cancel your appointment?’

“You’re the head doctor with all the explanations for everything I do. Right down to the kind of fucking cereal I eat in the morning.”

“It’s Ellis.”

“Wow. Amaze me some more.”

“Jon.”

“Yes, goddamn it. It’s Ellis.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, no, that’s not true. It isn’t Ellis. He didn’t do anything. It’s me. I fucked up. I fucked up, and it can’t be fixed.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I don’t think I can.” Just the thought of reliving the morning events raked every nerve raw.

Smoke danced across muted sunlight pouring in the windows of the warehouse. The smell of copper mixed with machine oil only to be stamped out by the rancid odor of sweat and fear. The sharp crack of gunfire cut, butchered reality, and when it all stopped it wasn’t Jon’s partner who was dead. It was Rudy and Ellis.

“Jon?”

He sucked in a breath. Air sandpapered his lungs.

“Jon, are you still there?”

He barely squeezed out a ‘yes.’

“Listen. Stay where you are. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“No.” Jon sucked in another breath, regaining control. “No. No. Just…the phone is good.”

“You sound like you need more than a chat.”

“I’m okay. Please. It’s just…” The smell of death faded and the turmoil in his mind eased to a slow churn. “It’s just really difficult right now.”

“I don’t mind coming down there.”

“I know you don’t, but I do. I don’t need a shoulder to cry on.” He didn’t want one.

“Okay. Then talk to me, and while you’re at it, convince me why I shouldn’t be on a plane and on my way down there to make sure you don’t do something you’ll regret.”

What would he do? End his life? If Jon learned anything that day, it was a man didn’t need to eat a bullet to kill himself.

Jon told Mike what happened. From the morning Lenny hung the dog on the porch until Jon arrived at the motel. Through it all, Mike remained silent. When Jon was done the emptiness inside him echoed.

“I think once things calm down, he’ll talk to you.”

Jon shook his head even though no one could see it. “He won’t. What I did is unforgivable.”

“Nothing is unforgivable.”

“Yeah, well this is. You didn’t see the look in his eyes. Ellis will not forgive me for this. Ever.”

“Would you like me to talk to him?”

“You won’t get very far.”

“I think I do a good job of getting you to talk to me when you don’t want to.”

A stray tear rolled down his cheek. He thumbed it away. “I thought I knew.”

“Knew what?”

“Loss. I thought I knew what it was like. I thought I felt it the day my brother died, then the day Alex was killed. But none of that can compare to this. It doesn’t even come close.”

But there was one thing it shared with those other tragedies. Jon would never be able to escape the memories. Now they wouldn’t just haunt him. They would chew him up and spit him out.

Ellis couldn’t bear sleeping in the bed he’d shared with Jon, so he made himself comfortable on the sofa. That’s where he woke up with a crick in his neck. Memories from yesterday were out of focus, but where he’d slept, the dried tears on his cheeks, and the ache in his throat, concreted the events in reality.

Rudy stood at the front door, trailing his fingers up and down the gauzy curtain. Even when their parents died Rudy hadn’t reacted like this.

Seeing him there, staring out at the world like a lost soul, made Ellis ten times angrier with Jon, and ten times angrier with himself. It was Jon’s fault Rudy was like this. Jon’s selfishness had caused his brother this pain.

Ellis forced his voice to remain steady when he spoke. “You hungry? I was thinking biscuits. How about we go down to Annie’s Kitchen. It’s been a while since we went there.”

“I broke the Christmas tree.”

They’d gone to Annie’s a week before Christmas a few years ago. Rudy hadn’t been able to resist the sparkling lights on the tree. He pulled the whole thing down, covering the people in a nearby booth in a hail of pine needles and icicles. At least the ornaments had been plastic, so except for a few scratches courtesy of the tree branches, no one was hurt.

Ellis dragged Rudy out before they’d even started on their order.

“Yeah. You did. But that was a while ago. They’ve probably forgotten.”

“Will Jon forget about us?”

Ellis sighed and buried his face his hands. “Rudy, please.”

“I miss him.”

“I know you do.”

“When will he come back?”

Ellis pushed himself off the sofa. “Let’s not talk about Jon right now, okay?”

“But it’s important.” Rudy rested his head against the window. “It’s really important.”

“I know it seems like that now.” How many nights would Ellis cry himself to sleep before the pain became bearable? Months? Years?

The answer was never.

Ellis petted Rudy’s shoulder. “Why don’t you go upstairs and pick out some clothes? I’ll come up in a bit and help you get dressed.”

“I like my pajamas. They’re my favorite.” Rudy went from petting the curtain to petting the front of his red pajamas.

“Please, Rudy. Go upstairs and pick out what you want to wear.” He walked a few steps then stopped at the bullet hole in the floor. “Hurry up.” He pushed Rudy toward the stairs.

Damn Jon. He’d promised he wouldn’t bring the gun into the house.

But that had been before Lenny had tried to kill them.

As Ellis climbed the steps he told himself what Jon had done was unforgivable. By the time he reached the top, it sounded like an excuse even to him.

He knocked on Rudy’s door. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah.” Rudy sat at his drafting table still dressed in his pajamas.

“You’re supposed to be getting dressed.”

Rudy huddled closer to the picture he worked on. “I don’t want to go anywhere.”

Hearing him say that was almost as bad as having him refuse breakfast yesterday. At least he ate some lunch and dinner, but it hadn’t been much. Now he didn’t want to go to town? A ride to town always meant the possibility of going to the card shop.

“Do you want me to make you some oatmeal?”

“I’m not hungry.” Rudy exchanged the red crayon in his hand for a black one.

Ellis tried to look over his shoulder. “What are you drawing?” Rudy turned, blocking his view of the picture. “Sorry, I just wanted to see.”

“Not yet.”

“Later then?”

“Yeah.” Rudy returned to drawing.

“You know I love you, right?”

“I know.”

“Good.” It was a start. “Do you want me to close the door?”

“Yeah.”

Ellis pulled it shut.

“Ellis?”

He opened it. “What?”

“It wasn’t Jon’s fault, and it’s not your fault either. One day you’ll understand.”

All he ever says to me is, ‘One day you’ll understand.’

An icy chill kissed the back of Ellis’s neck. “Why would you say that, Rudy?” He continued to draw. “Rudy?”

“Can we have pancakes?” Rudy changed out another crayon.

Ellis took a breath. “Sure, I can do pancakes.”

“No blueberries.” The scratch of the crayon on the paper grew louder.

“I thought you liked blueberries?”

“I’m allergic.”

“Chocolate chips?”

“I’m allergic to those too.”

“No chocolate chips.”

“And no marshmallows. They turn my poop blue.”

Ellis bit his lip until it stopped trembling. “Is there…” He cleared his throat. “Is there anything you want in your pancakes?”

“Bananas.”

Tears ran down Ellis’s cheeks, but he still managed to keep his voice steady. “I thought you didn’t eat anything yellow?”

“Jon likes bananas.”

Ellis pressed the back of his hand over his mouth to stifle the sob. He cleared his throat again. “Okay, bananas. Got it.”

He barely made it to his room before the tears broke free.

Even with a full night’s rest, Jon ached.

A shower would have eased the knots in his back and washed away the all over grungy feeling he had from sleeping in his clothes, but he didn’t have the strength to walk to the bathroom.

Going back to sleep was another option. It seemed to be the only way he could escape yesterday. At least then he’d have a few hours of peace.

Or you could finish what you started.

Jon’s gaze wandered over to the duffle bag laying next the door.

“No.”

Aren’t you tired of fucking people’s lives up yet?

More than anything. Jon propped his elbows on his knees.

He hadn’t bothered to put the trigger lock back on when he dropped the gun in there. Hell, he’d even popped the clip back in.

With this kind of pain, it should have been easier than ever to end his life. But he never would. What Ellis had given him was etched forever in his soul. Those were memories he did not want to lose, no matter how many times he relived the reason he’d never have anymore of them.

Jon stumbled into the bathroom and turned on the shower. He didn’t bother to test the temperature before he got in.

The spray cut through the clouds of steam and pummeled his back like super heated needles. He braced himself against the wall.

If only it would hurt more than the pain in his heart.

Jon had shot down Mike’s suggestion about talking to Ellis. It wasn’t the fear of rejection that held him back. It was the fear of what Ellis would say.

Because there were so many things.

But what if…What if Ellis didn’t hang up? What if he listened? What if he could forgive? Even if Ellis didn’t want him in his life any more, the gift of his forgiveness would ease the guilt.

You don’t deserve it.

He didn’t, but he still wanted it.

The space in the bathroom condensed and the sense of solitude disappeared. Jon opened his eyes. Water beaded on the curtain until the drops were too fat to stay and drew lines to the bottom. A shadow flashed behind the white plastic.