More than Just Sex (24 page)

GOLDEN FIRST-DATE RULES

Rule #1: Talk about her more than you

At the risk of getting all mathematical on you, in the opening interactions, the best psychology is for you to control up to 90% of the conversation, but not the content. You want the content to be mainly about her, but with you defining the direction and flow of the conversation. Once you start dating and being in a ‘relationship’, of course, you should aim for an equal 50:50, but never let it slip the other way. If you let her control the communication you will lose your sense of being the ‘man’ in the relationship, and even though she has been complicit in the shift, she will likely lose interest very quickly in favour of another who can ‘man up’ better than you.

Rule #2: If you fail any of her tests, get out quick

This is a little controversial, maybe, but if you fail, you’re as good as out anyway and, if that’s the case, it’s better to do it on your terms. Chances are that, whether she even knows she’s doing it or not, she is going to keep testing you in the early stages and especially the early dates. Remember, men and women are emotionally, physically and biologically different. While you are hardwired to be a hunter-gatherer, she is hardwired to filter for the best, most secure and genetically matched mate. So she’ll test and test and test until she is satisfied that she has found it.

The problem is that if she continues to test you and you engage with it, then you risk giving away your power
and validating her doubt by showing that you are not strong enough to stand up for her or to her. And if you are more ‘into’ being with her than she is with you, then she has all the power – and you are risking an emotional kicking.

We blokes tend to wrap our self-worth up in our manliness, and being dumped is not something we are conditioned to accept easily and generally don’t take it very well.

When relationships split up, the most painful part is often the lack of choice. The most hurt partner is the one for whom the choice was removed. I’m sure you know lots of people that, having been dumped, have done anything and everything in their power to win that person back, only to be the one doing the dumping a short time later. The feeling of choice is much more important to our wellbeing than the outcome, so if you know you are going to fail a test, get out while you have the choice.

Rule #3: Don’t push the pace

Sex is not the only desired outcome. It’s not, you know! If you want a meaningful relationship I suggest that you make ‘closing the deal’ or an ‘F close’ secondary to finding out if you are actually compatible in life, not just in bed. It’ll happen when it happens. Don’t hold back from it unnecessarily, but as we agreed earlier, on the first date it is probably not a good idea.

There is no right and wrong here either, but make sure your ‘intent’ is set to Miss Right, not just Miss Right Now. There are plenty of Miss Right Nows out there, but if you’re
constantly chasing them, you’ll miss your Miss Right when she comes along. It’s also one of the main reasons for not sticking with a relationship that’s not working for you.

Sure, give it a chance and learn how to communicate with each other. If, however, you’re so busy trying to change the wrong girl, and scared to let go because something is better than nothing, then you are almost certainly missing someone much more compatible for you.

Rule #4: No lying, ridiculous exaggerating or ‘spin’

Never ever lie to your date. There are dozens of reasons for this, but even if the only reason you need is that you’ll probably get caught, don’t do it. Remember that she is testing you, and make no mistake: she will remember. You are on a date, she is in a heightened state of interest and whatever you say and do is going to stick with her.

Think about it like this: Can you remember where you were when the Twin Towers came down? Can you remember what was said in the heat of an argument with your ex? Can you remember the first sporting event you ever won? Of course you can. The reason being that you were in a heightened emotional state at the time, so the ‘thing’ made a much bigger imprint on your mind than the second time you won or the thing your ex said that wet Tuesday afternoon when you were doing the washing up.

Your date is in a heightened emotional state: one of curiosity and possibly a little arousal. She is curious to see if you live up to your billing. While the fact that you do will create a fantastic connection, she will remember
almost everything you say and if you lay a dodgy stone in the foundations it doesn’t matter how tall or elaborate the building gets, that one dodgy stone will be the weakness forever more. If she finds out that something is not true, she will immediately doubt everything else that you’ve said. Don’t do it to yourself, you don’t need to. She is impressed enough to be on a date with you in the first place. The date should be a chance to build a deep connection – if you want to, of course.

Rule #5: Let her check you out… you have nothing to hide

In this technical age it is very easy for her to check you out; she probably will have done so already, perhaps even before she agreed to a date in the first place. But if you are the real deal and have nothing to hide then let her check you out. Tell her where to look and let her be friends on Facebook. Every part of your life should line up anyway so you have nothing to hide or fear. If you do then it’s time to sort that out and not conceal it from someone you want to build a meaningful connection with. Think about it!

But letting her check you out has another big advantage. Social proof! You have the opportunity to paint yourself in the best (but accurate) light if you make sure that not only do you externalize your true values but your Facebook page does, too. In fact you can’t afford for it not to. Clean up anything that doesn’t do you justice, un-tag pictures of you drunk or that night with the stripper or the goat. Do yourself a favour and pay attention, your public image extends way beyond your physical self.

Rule #6: If you like her, find a good reason to see her again

You are going to spend at least a few hours in each other’s company, and you should have lots of things in common, or at least enough to have some sort of connection. If you like her, this is your cue to neatly transition into the second date. It shouldn’t be contrived. It should, in fact, be such a natural progression that you don’t even have to think about it. This is also where you move linguistically to the ‘we’ stage.

Think back to your new language skills. ‘
We
could do this together’, or
‘We
could get tickets for…’ As soon as she agrees, you have a second date without any of the awkwardness of a ‘So, can I see you again?’ conversation. If she comes back with ‘I’ll have to with check my diary, health insurance, pet sitter,’ or any other lame excuse, do not force the issue. Take the hint – she’s not interested.

If she is interested, she is likely to say, ‘Yes,
but
(which of course turns the ‘yes’ into a ‘kind of’) just let me check with my diary, health insurance, pet sitter and come back to you with some dates.’ In which case you are fine, and a casual ‘I’ll need to check myself so I’ll call you (take control) in a couple of days and we can firm it up.’ That’s all you need to do. You must always be in control at the end of the date!

RECAP!

OK, you’re rushing out the door because you’ve got a hot date with that girl you met last Friday, so here’s a list of dos and don’ts to make your first date a great one:

By now you have made it through the first date and passed the first lot of tests, and so has she. But you are not home and dry yet. There is so much more fun you need to have and things you need to find out before you can progress to being a ‘couple’.

Again, you can’t ‘win’ at the dating stage, but you can certainly lose if you fall into the common pitfalls, which cause the untimely demise of so many blossoming relationships. All are avoidable if you use your head (the one on your shoulders that is), but in case you’re not sure let me spell them out for you.

First up…

SHE’S CALLED AN ‘EX’ FOR A REASON

Even if it is to tell the new wonderful girl in your life that she is indeed wonderful by comparison, you do not need to
contrast her with anything or anyone else, and especially not your ex. I’ve even heard someone who was particularly hard of thinking say, ‘You are so amazing. I wish my ex could see me now, she would be SO jealous.’ Talk like that is only likely to end in one place, and that’s with yet another ex.

Of course, there are two schools of thought on this one: one that says, ‘Well, of course I’ve had a past, so why should I pretend otherwise?’ and the other says, ‘We all know that we have a past but I don’t want to have dinner with it’. My view is firmly with the latter and, unless asked, the only relationship at breakfast, lunch or dinner should be the one that you are actually in at the time.

It’s all too easy to wax lyrical about the time when you and your ex did this amazing thing, or even the time when your ex did something that you hated. But all she will be thinking is, ‘He’s talking about his ex. Why is he thinking about his ex? Do I remind him of her? Does he want to be back with her? Wow, I’ve just remembered that I have an ex, too. I wonder what he’s up to?’ And maybe even, ‘The sex was better. In fact, lots of things were better. I really do wonder what he’s up to.’

You’ll have done it to yourself: you’ll have dropped her straight into a state of doubt in your commitment and also dropped yourself into a direct comparison with someone else.
It’s not big and it’s not clever.