Shawn thrust into me one more time as his release painted my inner walls. Two things hit me at once; one, I just proclaimed my love, and two, we just had sex without a condom. I was less concerned about the latter since I felt 82
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fairly certain he was disease free as well as myself. The other kind of had me freaking out. I just said
I love you
.
What would happen now?
Once he stopped rocking forward and our breathing got under control, Shawn brought his hand up to stroke the side of my face. "What did you say?"
Shit, he had heard me. I tried to turn away from him but he held my head still. I looked up into his blue eyes and what I saw there wasn't shock or anger, but affection and caring. "I said I love you."
"That's what I thought you said." A smile curled his lips as he leaned forward to give me a quick kiss.
I whimpered as Shawn pulled out of my body and
set me on my feet. The moment he realized we just had unprotected sex, his face contorted with what I would call anger.
"Shawn, it's okay. I'm clean, I swear it."
He met my eyes. "That's not it. I should have been more responsible. Hell, I should have been more gentle with you. I could have hurt you." Shawn took a deep breath and rested his forehead against mine. "I also don't want you to think I would ever put you at risk or hurt you."
I put my hand over Shawn's heart. "I would never think that. I could have told you to stop but I didn't."
"I didn't really give you much choice."
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"Shawn, there's always a choice and I will always choose you." I let him look into my eyes to see the love I had for him. I dropped my hand from his chest. "But I will say this. You need to keep lube in the shower from now on.
I don't need bubbles floating out of my ass."
Shawn started to laugh. "Seriously though, how should we handle this no condom business?"
"Well, I know I'm safe, but I don't want you to take my word for it. So if this is something you would like to continue to do, I'm on board with it." I held my hand up when Shawn opened his mouth. "But I think we should be tested first. For peace of mind and all." I could be mature when the occasion called for it and I didn't want Shawn to take the brunt of the guilt here. I have a mind of my own, I could have said no.
Shawn stepped back to lean against the far wall. "I think getting tested is a good idea. Like you said, for peace of mind, but I think we should still use protection just to be on the safe side."
"Fair enough." This was one of the reasons I loved Shawn. I could respect him and count on him to make the right decision.
I could breathe easy now with his focus on the
whole no condom thing. With his thoughts consumed with that, he wasn't asking me to explain the
I love you
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confession.
Once dried off, we headed to bed. Under the covers, I let him pull me close and I plastered myself to his side.
Shawn started to run his fingers through my hair and my body went limp from the lazy strokes on my scalp.
"Marc, you still awake?"
I turned in his arms to look at him. "Yes."
The room was dark with only the light coming from the full moon, but I lay close enough to see the nervous look on Shawn's face.
"Did you mean what you said in the shower?"
Maybe I spoke to soon. Honesty in this case would be the best policy. I smiled at him and ran my hand down his stubbly jaw. "Every word. I know we just met but I love you."
Shawn smiled at my soft-spoken words. "Good, because I know what I'm feeling is unlike anything I ever experienced before and I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way."
Shawn leaned down to kiss my forehead. He didn't say those three little words back to me but deep down he had to feel the same way after what we'd just shared. And according to Ross, this love was fated.
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Thank the Big Boss Man in the sky, it was Friday.
The last patient left for the day, so I used my alone time to catch up on my busy work and the ever-growing pile of insurance claims that needed to be filed. I hated spending so much time on insurance paperwork. The companies paid out so slowly and if there happened to be one little error on the form, they wouldn't pay.
I put on my iPod to help pass the time. Today's
selection was Everclear, my favorite band ever. I turned the music up and started to sing and dance around the office.
I yelped in surprise when I noticed Serena standing in the hallway staring at me. Her eyes were wide, face pale, and her mouth hung open. Then I realized something. She had caught me doing this several times before when I was her sister and she hated this particular band. Too many coincidences. I watched as she straightened her shoulders and took a deep breath. I had no idea what I was going to do.
"Marc, come with me to my office. We need to talk," Serena said in a clipped tone.
Yep, the jig was up. Either I was going to be fired for my terrible singing or Serna had figured out who I was.
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What would be the consequences if she figured it out?
I followed her into her office. My hands shook with nerves and bile rose in my throat. I had no idea how to get out of this one and I just prayed my lunch stayed down.
"Have a seat." I watched as she sat in the chair behind her desk. She steepled her fingers in the way she always did when she wanted to lecture me about
something. "I've noticed some things about you that have me wondering a few things."
"Like what?" I wrapped my arms across my midsection in an attempt to tramp down the need to vomit.
"You remind me of someone but until today I thought I was just imagining things. When I saw you dancing around and singing to that wretched music it hit me. I know exactly who you remind me of."
Serena smiled at me as if she'd just solved a major mystery or some shit. I wiped my hand across my forehead.
The sweat beaded up faster than I could wipe the wet drops away.
"Who?" I was able squeak out of my dry throat.
"Marie."
Ross never said what would happen if I admitted
my identity so I wasn't going to incriminate myself. "That's just crazy." I choked out a laugh but didn't really feel the humor of this messed up predicament I found myself in.
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"I thought you would say that, but you have to see where I'm coming from here. Your impeccable
organization skills are the same, you have the same taste in bad music, the terrible dancing is dead on, and the real kicker is when you started to laugh at my story the other day before I even finished telling it."
When Serena was going through clinicals, she had an elderly patient who came to the dental school to get a tooth fixed. He fell asleep in the chair and Serena thought he had already been sedated. She turned on her drill and proceeded to pull at the side of his cheek to make room for the hand piece. The man's eyes popped open and he started to scream. Scared the shit of out of her. Even though she never touched him with the drill, his shrieks could be heard down the corridor. From that day on, the other students called her Doctor Pain.
My chin started to tremble and the breath I'd been holding flew out my mouth on a chorus of laughter. I covered my face with my hands. This little episode wasn't helping my denial.
"That is still as funny now as it was eight years ago," I mumbled under my breath.
"I heard that!" She screamed and jumped from her chair to run over to stand in front of me. "How did you do it? And why are you a guy?" She asked as excitement 88
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oozed from her.
Damn her supersonic hearing. Where was Ross
when I actually needed his butt? "I… I don't know what you're talking about," I stuttered as I tried to stand up but Serena put a hand to my shoulder and pushed me back into my chair.
"Give it up. I know it's you, Marie. I don't know how you did it and I don't care as long as I have you back, even if you have a penis now." She hugged me hard. "Were you reincarnated or something?"
Okay, she was excited and I was freaking the fuck out. Maybe subconsciously, I wanted her to figure it out.
But didn't she think any of this just a little bizarre? I started to wonder if I should be concerned over her easy acceptance of the whole situation. "If I tell you, you won't think I'm crazy?"
"No. At first I thought I was just seeing what I wanted to be there, but watching you sing and dance around the office just proved to me that you are her."
Serena squatted down in front of me and grabbed my face with both her hands. She had tears in her eyes. "I missed you so much. I prayed to God that I would do anything to have you back and I guess he was listening. Losing Mom and Dad was one thing, but to lose you? I couldn't bear it.
When they told me about the plane crash and that there 89
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were no survivors, I swear I died that day, too." She started to sob.
I got down on my knees in front of her and hugged her tight. "Don't cry, Serena." Please God in Heaven, don't punish me for this. "You're right, it's me, Marie. I'm back now and everything is going to be okay."
"It is now. I'm so sorry for making you go on that trip. I just thought you needed a break. You were always working so hard. I just wanted you to have some fun in your life."
My heart broke to see my big, strong sister crying like this. Her pain ran so deep and she wasn't even to blame for what happened. "Hey, you listen to me, Serena. It wasn't your fault. I made the choice to take an earlier flight back. Had I stayed on the original flight, I would still be here, so please don't punish yourself."
She looked up at me with tear stained cheeks. "Still hurts to know if you never left this whole thing could have been avoided."
"This is going to sound completely insane but dying was the best thing to ever happen to me."
Serena looked at me as if I'd lost my mind, so I explained about Ross. I told her how my angel made a mistake and I was born a girl when I should have been a boy. I also explained how for me it made sense about how I 90
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felt on the inside, the constant feeling of something being wrong with me. She listened and didn't interrupt. When I finished she just sat with me on the floor of her office, staring aimlessly in front of her.
"Why did you never tell me how you felt? I didn't have a clue you were dealing with all these feelings."
I shrugged. "How could I have explained it? At the time I really didn't know what was going on myself."
Which was true. I was a teenage girl feeling lost in my own life. Up until our parents died, I lived a good life. I had friends, played sports, and had boyfriends. Therefore, by all appearances my life had been perfect.
Serena turned to face me. "Still, you could have said something, anything, I would have listened."
"Serena, Mom and Dad were gone and you got
stuck raising me. Did you really want me to drop the whole I-think-I-need-gender-reassignment-surgery discussion on you, too?"
Serena sat there silent for so long I was afraid I had hurt her feelings. She turned to face me. "Was that popular ten years ago?" Serena asked as she started to giggle.
"It's not funny." I shook my head. How did we go from serious to humorous so quickly? I shoved Serena in the arm and she fell to the side. The harder she tried to stop, the more the laughter carried on. I guess laughter was better 91
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than tears.
After a few minutes, Serena calmed down and sat
back up. "I'm sorry, I really am. I've just been dealing with a lot and I guess you have too." She wiped her eyes. "So, a man, huh?"
I nodded. "Yep. You still love me, right?" I knew the answer to that but I still wanted to hear her say it.
"Don't be a dumb ass. Of course I still love you."
Serena wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "More than you will ever know, little man. But please, next time you're dealing with something as major as this, let me know.
You're my only family and I will always be here for you."
My eyes started to water. To know she would
always have my back and always choose me meant the world. I may not have a big family but when someone loved you as much as Serena loved me, there was no need for any extra.
"Oh my gosh."
I looked up at my sister. She had a hand clasped over her mouth.
"What's wrong?"
"I haven't thought about this in years, but do you know what Mom and Dad were going to name you had you been a boy?"
"No. What?"
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She turned her dazed look towards me. "Marc." My stunned expression matched hers. "I can't believe I didn't remember this when I hired you. All the signs were right there for me to see but I didn't until I saw your terrible dancing again."
"Really? They were going to name me Marc?" Ross had lied to me. I got the funny feeling he set me up by giving me this name and getting me a job here with Serena.