Loving Your Lies (36 page)

“I’d like nothing better than to make love
to you,” my angel said softly. “But it’s wrong.”

My heart sank. “How can it be wrong?” It
felt perfect.

Julian held my piercing gaze. “It wouldn’t
be fair to you.”

“What do you mean, not fair?” Bracing my
hands on his chest, I straightened my back.

His long silence filled me with foreboding.
“I can’t be with you, Jona.”

“But you
are
with me.” A testing
glance upward confirmed the flock of birds still hovered above us.
“You dragged me into this moment. I’m here, and the world stopped
turning.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” His fingers
caressed my burning skin down my arms to wrap around my hands. “It
would only be for a moment.”

My glance moved to our joined hands.
One
moment, where the world stood still.
I knew he was right, had
known it all along. Ever since last night when I heard my mother
accusing him of having to leave in the end. Leave with her. Leave
me behind.

Alone.

“How could I forget about that?” I whispered
to myself. Then my gaze switched back to his eyes. “You have to go,
don’t you? Back to Heaven.” The hesitant nod he gave me cut deep
into my heart. “How long do I get to keep you?” But even as I
croaked the question, I knew he wouldn’t answer.

And it wasn’t necessary, because I already
got the answer last night. Her deal with God was about forgiveness.
My
forgiveness.

Today I turned my back on the past and let
my mother into my heart again. She got what she wanted. The deal
was fulfilled.

“You said she won’t die today. But she will
soon. She’s getting worse as we speak, isn’t she?” A small part of
me still hoped he’d shake his head. But Julian only kept staring at
me with sadness in his eyes. “I found back to her just today, and
now I’m going to lose you both?”

“Jona—” His voice, as he reached up to cup
my cheek, carried all the sorrow I tried to hide by biting back my
tears.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I soaked in the
longing and gentleness of his touch. “But you’re an angel. You can
heal her. Make her feel better. You did it before, I know it.”

Julian pulled me down and cradled my head to
his chest. His heart beat slowly, but loudly. “I’m not a healer,
Jona. From today on, my powers are bound. I can’t help her other
than ease her pain while she’s getting weaker.” He stroked my hair,
and I surrendered to his hold. “She made a deal. And the rules must
be obeyed.”

“Fuck your damn rules!” I nestled tighter
against his chest, my fingers digging into his hard muscles. “I
don’t care about your bloody deal. I want you to stay.”

Julian remained silent for a long while.
When he spoke next, it was nothing more than a whisper in my mind.
“Yesterday you said you would sky dive with me. Was that the
truth?”

What he said didn’t ring a bell, so I
sniffed then lifted my head to him. “When did I say that?”

His eyes tilted back to regard the sky. “A
moment before I wiped your memory.”

What was he saying? He made me forget? A
loop of barbwire tightened around my heart. “You meddled with my
mind?”

“I had to. You came too close to discovering
my secret.” Julian pressed his palm briefly to my forehead, and all
of a sudden, a heavy fog, that had clouded my mind for the past
twenty four hours, lifted. All the events of yesterday returned
with such clarity that it knocked me breathless.

But I couldn’t be mad at him. He’d risked
exposure to everyone only to heal my burned hand. His torn face
when he’d begged me not to push him into revealing it flashed
before me.
I’d sky dive with you.
My own promise rang in my
mind.

It took him no more than a blink to take all
those little memories from me. And what about today? My throat
constricted, making it painful to swallow. “Now that I know you’re
an angel, will you have to wipe my memory again? Will we go back in
an hour, with me not being able to remember any of these precious
moments with you?”

“Eventually, I will.”

“What?” I was nothing short of hysteric.

Julian said nothing. But he lifted me
gently, to place me next to him, then he sat up. His wings started
to tremor, getting to a very high frequency until they finally
disappeared. Feeling bereft of his true beauty, I ran my hand up
and down his back, but there was nothing to be felt.

I put on my shirt when he buttoned up his.
Taking my hand, he rose from the grass and pulled me with him. I
followed with a sinking heart as I realized he was heading
home.

And then he spoke. “Jona, the day that I
return to Heaven—” He paused to gaze at me with somber eyes. “When
your mother dies, I will take away all your memories of me. And not
only from you. From everyone I came into contact with.”

27

TALKING ABOUT THE PAST

WITH THE WOODS before us, I kept my eyes on
my feet threading through the knee-high grass. Julian’s hand on
mine felt warm, faking that the world was still all right. A calm
wind swayed the green blades, proof that he’d released his freezing
grip on time. The moments rushed by once more like wild rapids.

The horror of losing the most important
memory of my life anchored deep in my bones.

We returned home. In the middle of the
afternoon everyone was still on the field. Except my mother. She
slept peacefully in her room when I entered on silent steps, Julian
behind me. He brushed his palm over her forehead. Her soft moans
the only sound, she woke from this unusually deep sleep.

It was one thing to know that Julian could
do magic to others, but a totally different thing to see it happen.
I couldn’t decide who to look at first. Julian’s beautiful face
when he concentrated on his powers, or my mother’s happy eyes when
she caught me standing in the middle of the room.

Welcome back to life, Mum.

Julian sat on the edge of the bed and took
her bony hand into his. Color returned to her cheeks, her huge
liquid pupils reduced to a normal size.

“Is it already time to go?” A frightful
shiver came with that question.

Julian shook his head. “The deal is
fulfilled, but
He
is no fiend. The two of you do have time
to talk.” He rose from the bed and held out his hand to her. “It’s
a beautiful day. Would you like to sit outside?”

“Of course,” my mother replied, accepting
his help when she climbed out of bed, and forced a smile. “After
all, it might be my last chance to see the sky and the vines.”

My chest suddenly seemed too tight for my
heart, and I had to cough against the lump in my throat.

Julian helped her to the bench on the patio
then left us alone to make tea. Seated facing my mother, I studied
her features, that already bore the stamp of death. How long until
God would take her away from me? Another day? Two?

“Why the deal with God, Mum?” There was no
way to ban the tremor from my tone. “Why didn’t you seek the
doctors’ help instead?”

“So he finally told you.” She shook her head
slowly, but then a soft laugh rocked her bony shoulders. Her hand
crawled across the table and landed over mine. “I’d been on
medications for months, darling. But it’s cancer of the pancreas.
It’s incurable.”

I’d heard about the incurable detail before.
Only, now I refused to believe it. “There must be a way. What about
one of those chemotherapies? Or a surgery. Do you really need a
pancreas anyway? They could take it out, or maybe part of it.”

She grimaced. “Whatever modern medicine can
do, it would only prolong the suffering.”

I saw pain in her eyes, which had nothing to
do with her own misfortune. Her discomfort was due to my horrified
expression and her inability to comfort her daughter with a better
prognosis than she could give me.

“So how did God get into the game?” Fighting
not to whimper, it still felt strange to talk to her. And about
such an off-the-wall topic, too. “I mean it’s not every day you
hear He sends down an angel to fulfill people’s wishes.” At least
He’d never sent someone my way in the twelve years I’d prayed for
help.

A grateful shine lit up my mother’s eyes,
and she cast a glance toward the sky. “No, I guess it’s not. He
must have taken great pity on me that evening.” When she looked at
me again, I lifted one eyebrow, urging her to explain. “You see, it
was the evening after I returned from hospital with the news that
they couldn’t help me anymore. I was advised to get my affairs in
order.”

“Another way of saying your time was
up.”

She nodded. “They gave me half a year, if
that. My thoughts kept coming back to one topic only. You.” My
mother searched my face while her hand closed around mine. Firmly.
The angel power Julian had filled her with strengthened her.

“I had made a mess of my life and in the
process hurt you so badly. You, the only good thing that ever
happened to me. On my knees, I begged for a chance to fix my screw
ups. I asked for a possibility to set a few things straight before
my days were up. It already killed me to think of dying without
ever talking to you again. Without the chance to ever hold you—”
Her bottom lip trembled. She reached for a tissue in her pocket,
wiped her nose, and dabbed at the tears in her eyes.

My heart as tight as my throat, I reached
toward her, placing my hand on her forearm. “You can hold me now,
Mum.”

Her mouth quirked as though she wanted to
smile. Instead, more tears spilled over.

The next moment, Julian stepped out with a
tray carrying three steaming mugs. He put them down and planted a
hand on my mother’s shoulder. She sucked in a breath, which I
didn’t realize she was running out of, and her torn face relaxed a
little.

With the strength he gave her, she
continued. “That night, I offered to trade the rest of my life for
one peaceful moment with you.”

My mouth fell open.

“I do confess I didn’t put much faith into a
happy ending then. But shortly after I’d finished my prayers, a
strange white light brightened the room, and Julian appeared. He
said he was sent to help.”

When Julian withdrew his hand and sat next
to me, she gave him a sheepish smile. “You had a hard time making
me believe, didn’t you?”

He chuckled as he wrapped his arm around me
but still looked at my mother. “You were definitely one of the
harder nuts.”

I reached for my cup, blew on the steam, and
took a small sip. My eyes snapped toward him. “So your plan was to
keep her going until the day we would meet again and I would
miraculously forgive her?”

“Not quite.” His grip on my shoulder
tightened. “I made preparations. Went looking for you and found out
what you usually did at what time of the day.”

“You stalked me?” My eyes grew wide.

“Stalking is such a harsh word. I did proper
research of an individual. Studied you,” he drawled. His gaze
lingering on me, he leaned back and skimmed his fingers over the
back of my neck. “At the same time, your mother made sure you’d
have a home here in France with your aunt once things worked out
well. Eventually, I set the course. When the police caught you at
Camden Market, it wasn’t coincidence.”

“No, it was freaking bad luck.” Or was it? A
lot of nice things had happened ever since.

“I kind of planted stones in your way.
People, who shoved you in the right direction.”

My thoughts returned to my flight from the
cops that particular afternoon. “The man with the hat,” I
remembered half aloud. “The kid. And the lady, who almost beat me
with her bloody crutches. That was all your work?”

He nodded. Of course, for someone, who could
hover between moments, this was like a waltz.

“I can’t believe it. You manipulated me. How
rude.” And yet, when I gazed into his shiny blue eyes, I wanted to
kiss him for all his sneaky behavior.

“It was easy enough to convince your friend,
Quinn, and the judge of our intentions to bring you to France,” he
said. “And well, you know the rest.”

Shivers raked over me. I breathed deep,
crossing my legs at the ankles under the bench. “That morning in
Abe’s office, I saw you clad in a shiny white robe. Why?”

He ruffled my hair. “You’ve always been
exceptionally observant. Or maybe I was just too easygoing around
you, I don’t know. I had a hard time hiding from you from the
beginning.” He sounded as if he knew the deeper truth of this, but
didn’t let me in on it.

I liked to think this had to do with his
strong feelings for me. There was this slight chance that he’d
wanted me to see who he really was. To be honest with me.

The thought of honesty caused me to glance
at my mother again. Julian had said there was time to talk, and I
had so many questions, which only my mother could answer. “Why did
you give me away, Mum?”

The moment stretched in silence as she
clasped her hands and shifted in her seat.

Julian pressed a kiss to my brow and
whispered, “I’ll see if Albert needs a hand in the vineyard.”
Although I would have been thankful for his assistance and the
soothing effect he always had on me, I appreciated his retreat.

With him gone, I gripped the warm mug a
little tighter to find another source of comfort. When I spoke, my
voice sounded too calm for my agitation. “Why the orphanage and not
this place? Why wasn’t I entrusted to Marie’s care instead?”

My mother held my gaze, but all color had
disappeared from her face. A hint that she’d dreaded this question
for a very long time.

She inhaled deeply. “My family didn’t know
of you. I never told them, because I was ashamed of the situation I
was in—pregnant by a man I hardly knew and who left me even before
our child was born. I had nothing at that time but a shabby
two-bedroom flat, a handful of pounds in my pocket, and a pile of
overdue bills, that kept mounting.”